Who Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

“He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much, who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men, and the love of little children, who has filled his niche and accomplished his task, who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul, who has never lacked appreciation of Earth’s beauty or failed to express it, who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had, whose life was an inspiration, whose memory is a benediction” – Bessie Anderson Stanley

Way back when I started my career, I used to post short term goals, and long term goals on my wall.  To be honest, I can’t remember anything other than my long term goal – to become commissioner of Major League Baseball.  Obviously that never worked out.  But I digress.

Our Small Group got together about a month ago for Katherine Ey's wedding, which was such a wonderful event, we had eight of our Small Group members and spouses there to celebrate with John and Beth Ey.  As we sat together late one evening, Nike Nihiser said to me, “I really don’t know how you write what you write.  One, you write so well, I could never write like you do, but you are so open, you put it all out there.  I could never share like that”.

It has probably been about 10 years since I started my blog.  One of our other Small Group members, Dave Carr, suggested it, and I started writing.  Our Small Group has always joked that when we grow up, we want to be Dave Carr.  Dave is a Renaissance man.  He reads, he journals, he blogs, he meditates, he thinks, he challenges.  Dave reaches out to those less fortunate, he follows what Jesus taught us about the “least of us”.  One of the things I love most about Dave is that he always works to be a “bridge builder”.  Whether he believes one way or another about a topic or issue, Dave will always reach out to those on the other side, try to understand their viewpoint, and try to figure out how to bridge the gap between the two sides. 

But the greatest thing I love about Dave is that he is so real.  When I first met Dave, years ago at Westminster Presbyterian Church, he seemed to be someone to put up on a pedestal.  As noted above, he was a Renaissance man, but I really didn’t know him until we went out to lunch the one day.  I found out, Dave wasn’t that different from me.  He had issues, fears, warts, Dave was real.  It’s funny, Dave ended up higher on that pedestal after I found out that he could open himself up so easily and admit what his flaws were.

Over the past several months, I’ve been re-immersing myself into one of my greatest heroes, Mr. Rogers.  With the recent documentary that came out, and the news of a movie coming starring Tom Hanks, I found my copy of “The World According to Mister Rogers” and started re-reading it, and also sharing it with people who I thought could use the inspirational words of Mr. Rogers. 

There are many nuggets of wisdom in the book, particularly surrounding the idea of “neighbors”, which isn’t unusual, considering Mr. Rogers’ theme of “won’t you be my neighbor”.  There’s a whole section that is titled, “We Are All Neighbors”, and it contains some of his greatest writings, such as:

“The more I think about it, the more I wonder if God and neighbor are somehow One.  “Loving God, Loving neighbor” – the same thing?  For me, coming to recognize that God loves every neighbor is the ultimate appreciation!”

“As different as we are from one another, as unique as each one of us is, we are much more the same than we are different.”

“Imagine what our real neighborhoods would be like if each of us offered, as a matter of course, just one kind word to another person.”

While Mr. Rogers’ thoughts and writings are incredible, what I had forgotten, and enjoyed the most, was the Foreword by Joanne Rogers, his widow.  The quote above from Bessie Anderson Stanley was the first piece, and she noted that Mr. Rogers used to carry around quotes like this for when he needed words of wisdom.  She noted another one from Mary Lou Kownacki that said, “There isn’t anyone you couldn’t love once you’ve heard their story”.  Mrs. Rogers said that her husband would always try to find the best in everyone.  When she was angry with someone, he would say to her, “But I wonder what was going on in that person’s day”.  He had a huge capacity for compassion for others.

What really struck me was what she said about how hard he worked to be who he was.  She said, “The outside world may have thought his qualities of wisdom and strength came naturally to him, but those close to him knew that he was constantly striving to be the best that he could be.  He was as human as the rest of us.”

I remember my first experiences meeting and being around Robby Carroll at Shallowford Presbyterian Church.  Robby served as the Minister of Pastoral Care and Counseling at the time, and Robby could capture your attention immediately.  He has a deep, raspy voice, and an infectious laugh.  I remember times sitting in the pews, and when there was a poignant sermon or a beautiful anthem, Robby would close it out with a booming “Hallelujah” or “Amen”.  What captured me most was seeing so many of the people at Shallowford, particularly the older people, who would come up and hug Robby, so many people just absolutely loved this guy.  It didn’t take long for me to see why, he has such amazing gifts.

I remember his retirement message, he gave it at “Pairs and Spares”, it’s a Sunday School class that is largely older people (like me) in the congregation.  As Robby spoke, I realized I was hearing something special, so I grabbed a scrap piece of paper sitting on a table, and a pen to jot down Robby’s message.  For those who know me, I’m sure you can believe this easily, I lost that piece of paper, and for as much as I’ve searched, I couldn’t find it.  So I reached out to Robby recently, and asked if I could spend some time with him and “rehear” his message.  When I told him, he said, “Well, I don’t know what I said exactly, but just like most ministers, I only have one sermon in me.”

As I listened to Robby, he spoke of redemption, he spoke of life experiences, he spoke of being on the journey with others and helping each other on the journey.  Robby is a recovering alcoholic, and he is able to use his experiences and the pain he went through to help those who are on the same journey or similar journeys.  Robby talked about“unconditional love and acceptance as the only way”, he spoke of “loving God and neighbor as yourself, and it starting with the self”.  Robby went on to say,

“I am privileged to be on the journey with folks who have lost hope in God and life itself.  We continue to pray that God will give us the wisdom, energy and insight to live our lives with compassion and care for all who suffer.  I am reminded of Jesus weeping over Jerusalem for all of the pain and struggle that is a part of life.”

What I loved the most and what has always drawn me to Robby is when Robby said, “Honest transparency is what we all need.  Honest transparency connects us with God.”  Robby is real, he is genuine, he is willing to bare his soul to help those who need to know “I’m not in this alone”.  Other people have gone through what I’m going through, and they’re willing to share that journey with me.

It’s funny, when I had set out to write this blog post, my title was going to be something like, “My apologies Dave Carr, I don’t want to be you when I grow up anymore, I want to be Robby Carroll”.  OK, the title is way too long, but I also realized, that’s not the message, and that’s not what I’ve learned through all of this.  What I came to realize is that while each of my “heroes” noted above have different qualities or ways of reaching those around them, they have one common theme.  They are real, they are genuine, they are willing to share who they truly are to help those that desperately need help.  They have hopes, they have fears, they have suffered, but they continue to persevere on, and they want to help others persevere on.  And that is why I do my best to emulate the best of what they have given us.

Going back to Nike’s comments, he’s right, I have made a concerted and intentional effort to bare my soul and heart to the world through my blog posts.  Admittedly, it sometimes makes people uncomfortable, real life can be hard for people to take, I get that.  But I think it’s important for people to know and see that there are many of us going through the same struggles that they are facing each day.  We’re all in this together, and we need each other, we can make a difference in each other’s lives. 

I know I can’t be a Renaissance Man like Dave Carr.  I know I can’t be an icon of our generation like Mr. Rogers.  I know I can’t be a beloved minister or counselor like Robby Carroll.  But I can be me.  And I can be real and genuine, and I can let people know, my journey isn’t always easy either, but I’ll happily share my journey with you, if it helps you on your journey.  Funny, it sounds a whole lot like, “Won’t you be my neighbor?”

This Week, Better to be Black than a Woman

Yesterday, I was listening to “Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me!” on NPR, and one of the characters, obviously an African-American male, made that comment to a female on the show. While the comment got a great deal of laughter, it was wrong on so many levels. It is true, being African-American or being female in this country leaves you at the mercy of the “old white guys” that run this country. And, this week has definitely shown us, there is a very good reason that women don’t speak up when they’ve been sexually assaulted. The pain they go through to report it is oftentimes worse than the experience itself, and most of the time, people either don’t believe them or don’t care. It is a very sad reality.

This week exposed so much ugliness in our country, in our political system, in our inability to deal with each other in a civil and compassionate manner. It is hard to determine or imagine who came out in a positive light or in a “winning” manner this week. All sides chose sides, with no one willing to budge or hear the other person’s point of view. In the end, as noted, there were few that came out in a positive light, and mainly, we gave the late night talk show hosts and Saturday Night Live ample fuel for the comedic fire, there was so much great material that emerged from the circus or lunacy that was the Brett Kavanaugh hearings.

I do believe Christine Blasey Ford came out as the most likable, redeeming person in this whole unfortunate situation. She was believable, courageous, unflappable, and came across as someone who is incredibly honest. I do realize many would still not believe her, but I really don’t see anything in her testimony that would make you not believe her, I think it would have to be based on pre-conceived bias going in. While she came out in the most positive light, what she went through I’m sure was not worth it, she was subjected to the same scrutiny all victims go through, and it was tragic to watch.

I think Jeff Flake came to the party late, but at least he came up with a compromise that is workable and should be agreed to by both sides. To be honest, I don’t think the FBI will find anything, I’m really not sure they will be allowed to find anything, but at least he was willing to walk across the aisle and reach a compromise, something that no one else seemed willing to do.

As noted, late night talk shows, Saturday Night Live, all of the comics of the world have a slew of great material to work with. They came out as the biggest winners in all of this.

And the losers? Quite frankly, all of us, which is the biggest issue. Our government, our political system, our courts are completely broken. This was a shit show of epic proportions. I’m embarrassed for all of us, I’m sad for all of us, this is the representative government we have, and they did a commendable job of showing us what asses they all are.

The Republicans have once again shown themselves to be the party of old, rich white guys. They really don’t give a shit about anyone other than other old, rich white guys that help them get re-elected. That is all anything is ever about, and it doesn’t matter what is right or wrong, all that matters is money in the hands of the donor base and then back in their hands.

But the Democrats have nothing to feel proud about either. Whether you like him or not, they did pull a Pearl Harbor on Mr. Kavanaugh. They did everything they could to dig up as much dirt as they could, and they really didn’t care where or how they found it. I truly believe Ms. Ford when she said she isn’t a pawn, but the Democrats clearly used her as a pawn, and they had no problem trying to find any pawn they could find to destroy Mr. Kavanaugh. I’m sure no rock went unturned looking for dirt on him.

As Mercutio said in “Romeo and Juliet”, “a plague on both your houses”.

Of the whole group, the one who is the most laughable and despicable is Lindsey Graham. His tirade, his histrionics would be hilarious if this weren’t so serious. He bashed the Democrats for doing the same kind of shit the Republicans do every day. Lindsey loved to tie himself to the coattails of John McCain to gain credibility, but he’s cut out of the same cloth as all of the other hypocrites sitting in that room. I used to have a small amount of respect for Mr. Graham, but no more, that was a ridiculous charade put on for a job appointment. I call bullshit Lindsey!

Even the Evangelical Christian leaders couldn’t help but show their disdain for women in this world. Franklin Graham rushed to the aid of his president and judge, when he made these comments:

“It’s just a shame that a person like Judge Kavanaugh who has a stellar record – that somebody can bring something up that he did when he was a teenager close to 40 years ago. That’s not relevant…Well, there wasn’t a crime committed…And they call it sexual assault? No, I don’t believe it.”

Mr. Graham continues to display the type of Christian leadership that some of his predecessors like Jim and Tammy Baker or Jimmy Swaggart did, rather than the type of leadership his father, Billy Graham did. It’s truly a shame that people listen to him purely based on the fact that he is Billy Graham’s son rather than truly hear the hate and propaganda that he preaches each day.

Mr. Kavanaugh was probably one of the biggest losers in all of this. On one hand, I would never want to go through what he went through, and I doubt I would have done very well either. I have nothing in my past similar to what he is alleged to have done, but I have plenty from my high school and college years that I wouldn’t want on display for the whole country to see. Frankly, I’d probably just say no thank you to any type of political office because of this, but I don’t think this will ever be an issue.

On the other hand, after watching him on the several interviews I’ve seen with him, I have to say I really don’t like him or trust him. I don’t find him believable, I find him to have a smarmy attitude about him, I find him to wreak of “white privilege”. I see Brock Turner, I see Otter from Animal House, I see someone who believes he is above the rest of us and above the law.

Having said all of that, if the FBI doesn’t find anything more compelling, I don’t see how you could not approve him for the Supreme Court. With all due apologies to Ms. Ford, absent any other evidence, there just isn’t enough hard evidence against him, and I would venture to say after watching all of this, several of the justices on the Supreme Court would probably come across as unlikable, but that doesn’t disqualify them from the position. It’s sad though if this is the best we have for this position, I always have had a huge amount of respect for Supreme Court justices, and I can’t see feeling that way about Mr. Kavanaugh. My view of the court will be forever tainted if he is appointed.

Sadly, the ones who lost the most in all of this were the women in this country. They had made great strides with the #MeToo Movement, but it became painfully obvious that it only goes so far. Old, rich, white men still control this country, and it’s going to take so much more to make a change.

What really bothered me the most though was the women who came out in favor of Mr. Kavanaugh, or more so, the types of comments they made. I watched an interview with several women who were supporters of Mr. Kavanaugh, and here were a couple quotes, that I wrote down verbatim, that really struck me:

“In the grand scheme of things, my goodness, there was no intercourse. There was maybe a touch. Can we really, 36 years later, she’s still stuck on that. Had it happened.”

“We’re talking about a 15 year old girl, which I respect. You know, I’m a woman, I respect. But we’re talking about a 17 year old boy in high school with testosterone running high. Tell me what boy hasn’t done this in high school. Please I would like to know.”

First things first, I have never done anything like this, and I doubt many of my friends have. However, I have seen statistics as high as 60-70% of women who have been sexually assaulted, and as noted above, they don’t report it, for good reason.

I’d like to ask these women, if I took you into a bedroom, and locked the door, and climbed on top of you, holding your mouth, so you couldn’t scream or possibly breathe, you would be OK with this? Better yet, if you have a teenage daughter, and some teenage boy did this, you’d chalk it up to “boys will be boys” and tell your daughter to forget about it? Really?

Women will only come so far until they can somehow rationalize with women like this that this is wrong, it is flat out wrong, and shouldn’t be accepted. Women should not accept the norm that we have created through the years, women have to expect and demand to be treated with respect.

More importantly, those of us who are tired of our wives, daughters, friends, colleagues being demeaned and treated as objects and sexual conquests need to rise up and say enough is enough. I think about a woman who told me her daughter had been “date raped”. I think about a woman who told me she had gone through the same thing when she was younger. I think about Jeannette Wilson Hall who lost a beautiful daughter way too soon. And I’m sorry, this issue really pisses me off. We, as men in this world, can sit back and accept the whole idea or premise that boys will be boys, or we can rise up and say, we’re tired of those that we love being treated like this. We’ve had enough.