Back in February this year, the United Methodist Church
approved the Traditional Plan, which strengthened language barring LGBTQ United
Methodists from ordination and marriage.
When I heard this, I was completely heartbroken. Several years ago, my wife Laurel and I broke
from the Methodist Church because of this issue, but I still remain as a
Trustee at United Theological Seminary (UTS), which is technically
non-denominational, but does have heavy ties to the Methodist Church, and has
its roots in the Methodist Church. I was
heartbroken because of what this would mean for me, being on the Board of
Trustees for a seminary that was largely Methodist, but I was also heartbroken
for the decision surrounding this issue.
Several years ago, when we were members of a local Methodist
Church, our son Patrick went
through a difficult time, where he had suffered from sexual abuse. Because of the experience, for a period of
time, he thought or assumed he must be homosexual. When Patrick approached Laurel and I about
this issue, we immediately told him that just like God, we never started loving
him, our love for him had no beginning nor end.
But I struggled with how our church would view him. While we in a sense accept the LGBTQ
community, it’s kind of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” type of approach. I even had one of my friends from church say
to me the one time, “I don’t mind if they worship here, but I don’t want them
acting homosexual”. I’m not sure how you
can grow in Christian community if you can’t accept and embrace everyone for
who they are and where they are in their life’s journey.
After the vote, I debated strongly whether to resign from
the board at UTS in protest for the vote.
I strongly view this position against the will of God, I believe the
love of God, the kingdom of God, is expansive, it has a great deal of room for
so many of us, no matter our race, color, religion, sexual orientation, and I
was really struggling with this decision.
One of the best experiences I had on this topic was when I had a chance
to discuss it with J. Herbert Nelson, the Stated Clerk of the General Assembly
of the Presbyterian Church. He just
started laughing. He said, “I just don’t
get it. The church is for everyone. I’ve never been able to understand
this”. And I don’t understand it, I’m
consistently amazed that while we all sin regularly, consistently, daily,
repeatedly, some of us hold the “sin” of being a part of the LGBTQ community as
the one unforgivable sin, while many of us don’t view it as a sin at all.
I will say, however, that I also get very frustrated with
some of my brethren on the side of the LGBTQ viewpoint who characterize those
on the Traditional side as being uncaring.
I have many dear friends from UTS or from my former church who are
anything but uncaring, but they believe deeply in their hearts that this is
God’s will, that the Bible is clear on this topic. These are deeply loving and caring people, and I have a huge amount of respect for their commitment to what they believe is right. While I may disagree with them, I don’t doubt
their conviction or their sincerity, or their love.
I didn’t resign, but I have to say, I became lukewarm, which
for me, is even worse. I went to my
board meetings this past weekend, and on Thursday, I felt like a man without a
country. As we discussed or debated some
of the possible solutions that may come forward at next year’s General
Conference, I kept thinking, “I don’t have a dog in this fight”. I’m not Methodist anymore, for this reason,
this doesn’t impact me. But quite
frankly it does, and it does impact all of us.
We have lost our ability as people to discuss, debate, and
disagree, but do it in a way that we still respect and love those who we
disagree with. We’ve seen it over and
over again across the globe, but particularly in our country. There are those among the Methodist
leadership, who are trying to change that.
They are working on a compromise solution, one that may not make
everyone happy, but one that may lead to an amicable decision and separation. How exciting would it be to see compromise,
to see the love of God leading us to honoring each other, and coming to a
solution that can be a win-win for everyone?
Maybe, just maybe, this can be a model going forward, maybe we can
figure out ways to constructively, respectfully disagree with each other? If we can’t do it as a church, how can we
expect the country or the world to do it?
But, as noted, I struggled Thursday, I felt lost, out of
sorts, I felt like I really didn’t belong, and I told Laurel that night, “I
think I need to just resign, my heart’s not in it”. Even worse, and for those who have been
reading my blog posts about my depression, I was starting to think, maybe I’m
not just losing my mind, maybe I’m also losing my soul. I was really in a bad place after Thursday.
But then Friday came.
And just like so many of the meetings at UTS, Friday is a special
day. We lead off with Devotions on
Friday, and it is a different person each time. This time it was Dr. Rudy Rasmus. I sat over on the side, all by myself, as
noted, I felt like a man on my own little island, without a soul. And then Rudy spoke. I was completely mesmerized. I couldn’t take my attention away from him,
he had me in his spell. It was simply an
incredible message.
Then, the Reverend Marla Brown approached me, I had sent her
my “depression trilogy” blogs, and she expressed her appreciation to me for
sharing and gave me some kind words. I’m
sure there are some nicer, kinder people in the world than Marla Brown, but the
number is probably in the range that you can count on your fingers.
After that, after the one meeting, for whatever reason, Rudy
approached me, and we had probably a half hour discussion about life, about a
lot of things. I had seen Rudy at our
last board meeting, but we barely exchanged pleasantries, I have absolutely no
idea why Rudy came up to talk to me after the meeting, but it was one of the
most inspirational discussions I’ve had in a long, long time. I was a new man. And whether you are one to believe in things
like this, I count this as a God moment.
Read below what Rudy has on his website, and tell me that this isn’t a
man I can gain a lot from.
As I’ve noted, I’ve thought long and hard about resigning
from the UTS board. I’ve thought maybe I
don’t belong, maybe I don’t really add any value. But then I started thinking, maybe this isn’t
about the Methodist Church, maybe this isn’t about United Theological Seminary,
maybe this isn’t about the skills and knowledge that I can possibly add to what
we do there.
Maybe this is about me.
If you know me, you know how uncomfortable that comment
is. But, I kept thinking over the last
couple days, what the hell is going on?
I kept thinking in the back of my mind, this reminds me of something,
but what? And then it finally hit me,
and yeah, I may be stretching, but it reminded me of one of my favorite movies,
“Field of Dreams”. I’ve been pounding my
head trying to figure out why am I here, what can I do to help the Methodist
Church, what am I doing to help the seminary, and maybe, just maybe, it’s not
about what I can do for anyone else, but what they can and are doing for
me. Just maybe, God has put me here because I
need to be here.
As I painfully struggle through my issues at the moment,
seriously, what could possibly be a better place to be than at a place
surrounding by Bishops, ministers, faculty and students who want to serve
God. I highlighted above the impact Rudy
Rasmus and Marla Brown had on me this weekend but in prior weekends, it’s been Bob
Coleman, Jeff Greenway, Marty Nicholas or Bishop Lowry or so many others. I leave there refreshed, nourished and
feeling closer to God each time. And
maybe, just maybe, that’s why I’m there, God put me there because I need to be
there, nothing else.
So I re-committed, I plan to serve out my term, I am on the
board through May 2021. I’m going to be
there, I’ll do the best job I can possibly do, but I’ll also be there to see
what message God has for me. I truly believe
God spoke very clearly to me this weekend.
I may have believed I was completely lost, that I had finally lost my
soul, but based on everything that happened, I don’t think God has given up on
me yet. And I don’t think I should
either.
