Fonzie Jumped the Shark!

 Editor’s Note: Many years ago, before most of you were born, there was a family sitcom called “Happy Days”.  Great show, great family values, funny, but it stayed on the air much too long.  The moment where it became really evident the show needed to die was when one of the main characters, Fonzie, literally jumped a shark on water skis.  That seemed to signal, it’s time for Happy Days to die a timely death.  The phrase “Fonzie Jumped the Shark” became a metaphor for it’s time to move on.

While I’m not a fan of him, or would ever vote for him, we’ve reached a point where something has to be done.

He’s gone off the rails in so many different directions, even the most rapid of the MAGA cult are growing tired of his shtick, they’re walking out on his rallies, and it’s not good for anyone.  Whether it’s talking about Hannibal Lecter, the size of Arnold Palmer’s penis, windmills, or sharks, his ramblings are nonsensical.  What gets worse is when he talks about real issues like tariffs, global warming or grocery prices, he just isn’t very bright, and he really doesn’t have much of a clue of how these things work.  To try to keep his cult happy, he’s gone off on hate-filled racist lies about immigrants, which may fire up the base, but it’s really not good for the country. 

While all of this has been entertaining on a certain level, except for the racist rants, Fonzie finally jumped the shark.  He played music for 40 minutes or so at a rally recently, rather than answering questions, and danced and mouthed words to keep people entertained.  Does anyone really want to watch an old white guy in horrible physical condition dance around the stage for 40 minutes to his favorite tunes, especially YMCA? 

While this has been really, really entertaining to many of us, he’s become the Clown Prince of Comedy, this is serious stuff.  He may be the next president of this country, and we really need to get him on track. 

I’ve come up with a solution, and for the good of our country, I’m going to offer up what I believe will keep him focused, on track, and hopefully not spewing racists lies at his rallies.

I’ve developed some crisp talking points, they’re short, and even with his apparent dementia, he should be able to get through them without digressing, as long as we keep the teleprompter in front of him.  Plus, they are focused very much on him, which is by far what he likes talking about the most, so he should be able to stay on course.  I’ve developed four, I can come up with plenty more, but I homed in on some of the most important topics that he can address and at least make him sound somewhat presidential.

The first one is to highlight his great respect for those who served our country and the sacrifices that were made to protect our country:

Back when I was in ‘Nam, I was flying in a helicopter with Bob Duvall and Marty Sheen, and I could tell they were scared, they were white as ghosts.  There were missiles flying all around us, I got it, I could understand why they were scared.  Me?  Hell, no, I’m not a loser, I knew the VC’s could never shoot us down.  I tried to lighten them up, so I said, “Don’t you love the smell of napalm in the morning?”  Bob looked at me, and said, “Donnie (Bob always called me Donnie), that’s a great line, can I use it?”  I said, of course, just give me credit for it.  He never did, but that’s OK, everyone knows it’s my line.  It was a great day, we destroyed the VC’s and made Vietnam a much safer place.

The second focuses on catch phrases, key talking points that people can remember.  Think, “We’re going to build a wall, and Mexico is going to pay for it”:

Back when Martin Luther King was going to give his big speech in Washington, I could tell he was really nervous.  It was a pretty big crowd, nowhere near the size of my crowds, but still, for him a big crowd.  I said Doc, you got to grab them from the beginning.  Get them excited.  He said, “Donnie (he always called me Donnie) what would you do?”  I said you need to come up with a tag line, something that everyone will get excited about.  Doesn’t need to mean anything, doesn’t matter, just a line.  Out of the blue, I thought, “I have a dream!”  Came to me just like that.  I told Doc, say I have a dream!  Immediately, people will start dreaming, some about a juicy Big Mac, some about having sex with Ivanka, doesn’t matter, they won’t hear another thing you say.  They loved it, crowd went wild, nothing like one of my crowds, but it was a great day.

The next one is really strategic, it’s about golf, and everyone knows, old white guys love to talk about golf, evidenced by the first Presidential debate:

Back when Tiger Woods was the captain of the Ryder Cup team, he came to me and said, “Donnie (Tiger always called me Donnie), I know we could win the Ryder Cup if we had you on the team, but there are so many whiny babies on the PGA tour, they would complain if I put an amateur on the team, even though you’re a better golfer than any of us”.  I said, “Tiger, I understand, it really wouldn’t be fair for me to do it, it would just create too much controversy.”  Did they win?  Hell, no, I knew they couldn’t win without me.  But, I gave Tiger some advice, and he used it.  I told him, if you lose, just say the match was rigged.  And keep on saying it over and over and over again.  Doesn’t matter if you have any evidence, the more you say something, the more people believe it.  And they did, everyone said that America got screwed in that Ryder Cup match.  It was a great day to be an American.

The last is the most important, it speaks to his love of God and his close and deep relationship with God:

I was lying in bed the one night, all alone, and I was starting to doze off, when I heard a voice, “Donnie, it’s me, God”.  Well of course I knew it was God, He always calls me Donnie.  He said, this country is going to Hell in a handbasket, and we need to do something.  I tried sending a couple hurricanes to destroy a bunch of liberals, but they diverted them, and it only hit a bunch of good, Christian Nationalists.  I’m thinking about sending down some she-bears to rip some people apart.  I said, “God, I know what you mean, but I think I have a better solution.  How about I put together a Bible.  But not just any Bible, a Bible that has my name on it.  I’ll call it the “God Bless the USA Bible”.  With your words, and my name on it, we can get people reading the Bible again.  The best part is I’ll have it made in China, so I’ll make a small fortune on it!”  God loved the idea, He said, “Donnie, you are amazing.  Don’t you ever worry, if anyone ever tries to assassinate you, I’ll always be there to redirect those bullets.  You’ll always be just like a son to me.”

OK, I may have taken a few liberties with the truth, but really, nowhere near the liberties that he takes.  Plus, it’s really quite entertaining, and no one gets hurt.  No more discussions on real issues that he knows nothing about, and no more hate-filled racist rants.  Very simple stories, easy for him to repeat over and over, and the cult will love them and eat them up. 

As noted, if this works, I can come up with many more of these, I just want to make him sound presidential rather than like a babbling lunatic, since it appears he may become our next president no matter what spews out of his mouth, so it would be good for him to sound at least semi-intelligent.  If that’s possible of course.