A Modest Proposal

A tribute to the great work of Jonathan Swift

Several years ago, Bruce Springsteen and Tom Morello collaborated for an incredible version of Springsteen’s song, “The Ghost of Tom Joad”.  The song is great in and of itself, but the guitar solos, particularly by Tom Morello, make the live version something special.  

I was always intrigued by Morello’s guitar, he has the words, “Arm the Homeless” written or taped across the front of his guitar, I’ve seen this same message in many of his other videos.  I always assumed that this was a metaphorical comment, it was his way of saying, we need to give the homeless a means to live their lives rather than the hopelessness they face every day.

But then it occurred to me; this wasn’t metaphorical at all.  He meant this literally, and it makes so much sense now!  

Think about it.  We are struggling in this country with so many homeless people, and they are hanging out in the streets, begging for money or food, and quite frankly, it’s just not very appealing.  How are we supposed to feel good about ourselves, when you have all of these homeless people hanging around, begging, unbathed, smelly, really an eyesore for us all?  There’s been a call in this country to just put them in jail, but that exacerbates another problem (more on that later).

We should arm them all. Give them all guns, they can go back underneath the bridges where they sleep or the homeless shelters, and they can make more room for themselves. Eventually, the fittest, or probably the best shots, will be able to secure the best locations for sleeping, and the more frail ones will no longer be a problem for us.  The homeless population should drastically reduce, and we won’t have that eyesore anymore.

Now, the downside might be that they start heading toward the suburbs and taking out some of the local homeowners for an even better place to sleep, but that can even be turned into a positive.  No homeless people whatsoever, all of them will have a place to live, and there will be no more issues of homelessness on the streets.  And the bonus is that many of the homeowners that they take out are probably on Social Security or Medicare or both, which will alleviate the problem of funding for those programs.

Once we solve the homeless issue, we can take this model a step further – prisons.  This represents another area of overcrowding and an area where we continue to reluctantly spend to keep our streets safe and potentially rehabilitate those who have committed crimes.

Let’s face it, we keep pouring money into our prison systems with no real return on this investment. There are estimates of several billions of dollars being wasted annually on keeping our prisons operating, and really, for what purpose?  Do we really believe that these lives are worth much, and do we really believe that there is any hope of rehabilitation?  

I would propose a much cheaper solution.  We provide each prisoner a gun and a wealth of ammunition when they enter the prison.  I get it, there will be the up-front cost associated with this solution, but think of the long-term benefits.  It won’t be long before each prison is reduced to a very manageable number of inmates, similar to the homeless situation, the strongest, or best shots, will survive.  We won’t need prison guards anymore to ensure safety within the prisons, we will only need guards on the outside to ensure none of the prisoners get out.  And if we don’t feed them, the problem eventually goes away completely.

Once we’ve solved the homeless problem and the problem with overcrowded prisons, we can start solving some of the major issues that we face in our society.  We know that we will always have guns, it’s our God-given right in this country, so instead of discussing and debating gun control, we should take a completely different approach:

Arm Everyone!

The Second Amendment provides the right to bear arms, and we should ensure that everyone in this country embraces this and adopts this to make our country a much safer, and better, place to live.  Since statistics show that the vast majority of mass shootings are perpetrated by white males, we need to look to other demographics where we can provide better coverage and put guns in the hands of those who are underserved.  We should start with women, next we should arm children in schools, and then move on to immigrants and blacks to ensure everyone has their God-given right to bear arms.  

In regard to the order, that is something we can discuss or debate, but there seems to be.a growing trend among younger men, particularly on college campuses, who say, “Your body, my choice” to let women know who is really in charge.  Also, we’ve heard recent stories of creepy old men taking advantage of young girls, preying on the defenseless.  If we arm the women, these men may not be so brave, and they may think twice when the young girl or lady counters their brazen approach with “Your private parts, my Smith & Wesson”. The side benefit to this of course is that there will be much less debate on abortion issues related to unwanted pregnancies.

In regard to children, let’s face it, the majority of mass shootings occur in schools.  We’ve seen so many tragic stories of shooters marching through a school building, going from classroom to classroom, mowing down young children.  What if each of those children was armed, and as soon as some stranger enters the room, they open fire?  To be honest, I really don’t think any of these shooters would ever chance it, this problem would be solved very quickly.  And again, we have a side benefit.  Think of that loveable movie, “A Christmas Story”, and the three friends, Ralphie, Flick and Schwartz, always tormented by Scott Farkus and his toadie, Grover Dill.  I think the bullies would be less inclined to abuse Ralphie and the gang if they knew they were packing heat.  Bullying would drop dramatically in the school system if everyone was carrying.

Once we’ve solved the most pressing issues in our country, we can expand this to all aspects of society.  Churches, the workplace (particularly Post Offices), on the highways.  Aggressiveness or nastiness in all of these venues will become less prevalent if people know that their fellow parishioners, co-workers or drivers are loaded and ready for someone to step out of line.  I believe that our entire society will become much more civil if people knew one misstep could lead to a bullet to the brain.  

Frankly, we’ve approached this issue all wrong for so many years.  We fight and argue about the need for gun control, particularly when the latest mass shooting occurs.  With so much money tied up in firearms, we will never come to any type of resolution that will curtail it, so I believe the best approach is to just embrace it and open it up for everyone.  We can solve the homeless problem, we can virtually eliminate prisons, and we can fix some of the most problematic issues in our country.  And when it comes to that lightning rod that gets everyone worked up about guns, mass shootings, instead of hoping for a “Good guy with a gun” to prevent them, we can have “Everyone with a gun” to dissuade anyone from attempting one.  And if someone is dumb enough to try, in the immortal words of John McClane in “Die Hard”:

Giving Thanks for the America I Knew

               "Musings of an old guy is probably more like it"

Way back in July I wrote “The Four Horsemen of the American Apocalypse", where I focused on the four groups in this country that are destroying it with their hatred, Moms for Liberty, Christian Nationalists, Fox News and the Republican National Committee.  I committed to write about what I am thankful for, and I decided to focus on those moments in my upbringing that have helped to shape me the most and have made me so disenchanted with who we’ve become.

The Building Has Left Jesus

I remember when the church meant something.  I was a life-long churchgoer through the age of 60.  I was a Deacon, an Elder, a Trustee, I served on the Board of Trustees of United Theological Seminary, I was all-in for most of my adult life.

Maybe I changed, but I don’t think so.  I’m still a devoted follower of Jesus Christ, but I will never refer to myself as a Christian ever again after what that identifier has become.

I was fortunate enough to grow up in the church when pastors would stand tall and bold, they would preach the Gospel, even if it wasn’t popular.  I remember Sandy McConnel preaching a “Guns Versus Butter” sermon, where he admonished our country for spending so much on weapons of destruction when people didn’t have enough food to eat.  He also preached about how inappropriate it was for the flag to be displayed on the altar; there is no place for it in the church.  The fact that Wright Patterson Air Force Base invested heavily in Dayton and Westminster Presbyterian Church made this an incredibly ballsy move, but he did it because he believed it and felt it was the message to give.  

I remember Davis Chappell giving a sermon on Jesus, and he said, “Jesus wasn’t a Republican, Jesus wasn’t a Democrat, Jesus was a radical!”, which is what he was, and what being a devoted follower of Jesus is, we have to take a radical approach to what we believe in, no matter the consequences.

Sadly, we now have Christian Nationalists, which quite frankly, is an oxymoron, or we have churches that are essentially social clubs.  In a way, I get it, churches are just trying to survive, they want to keep as many people, and as much money, coming in as possible.  Most churches don’t stand for anything anymore, or at least, they don’t follow the teachings of Jesus.  The church, the building is still around, Jesus has been pushed out the door.  I’m thankful I was able to be a part of the church when it actually meant something.

You can never trust a yellow-eyed Nigger

Growing up in western Pennsylvania, I was a huge Pittsburgh Steelers fan.  When I was 12 years old, one of the Steelers, Ernie “Fats” Holmes, had a mental breakdown, and ended up shooting at a police helicopter pursuing him on the road.  It was a tragic event, for me, it was devastating, I just couldn’t imagine one of my heroes doing something like this, shooting at a police officer?

At the time, I spent a lot of time at my Great Grandmothers, and my two Great Uncles, Bus and Verne, were usually there.  The words above are what my Uncle Bus said about the incident.  As a 12-year old, I couldn’t comprehend what that meant, what in the hell is a yellow-eyed nigger?  This wasn’t my first foray into racism, particularly around Bus and Verne.  They could easily rattle off any number of racial slurs as the day went along, Nigger, Coon, Jungle Bunny, Porch Monkey, and on and on.  The record pictured above was one that we found when we were given my Great Grandmother’s Victrola.  No idea if anyone in my family were Klansmen, but it was apparently a part of the entertainment.

It wasn’t just there, that was the normal vernacular wherever I went when I grew up.  It didn’t stop with people of color, it extended to Hispanics, people of different religions, anyone who wasn’t white and Protestant.  People would rattle off racial and ethnic slurs as a normal course of any conversation.

What I’m thankful for?  It was never introduced into my home.  I never heard talk like this in my own “nuclear” family, I was raised not to be a racist.  I’m thankful for that, and that’s what is so hard for me now.  We really seemed to make great strides for so many years in this country, but now, we are back to being a hate-filled racist nation.  I’m thankful for the values I was taught in my home.

And that’s the way it is

I remember watching Walter Cronkite on the evening news, and he always ended his reporting with the phrase “And that’s the way it is”, and he would add the date, and something about presenting facts without bias.

Those were the days….

OK, I’m sure there was always bias in the news, and I’m sure the bias typically leaned liberal, but, it was nothing like it is today.  At this point, I don’t believe anything.  I read mostly headlines, not the actual articles, because no matter who the outlet is, it’s slanted, it’s biased, some to the left, some to the right, and virtually nothing clothed in facts and truth.  What can we possibly believe?

In a sense, I get it.  There are so many outlets, so many news sources vying for readers and numbers, they are doing everything possible to sensationalize any story.  But it’s not news, it’s not reality.

I always wanted to be a journalist growing up, I wanted to report on the news, or even write feature articles about people who were in the news.  Thank God, I never went down that path.  I just couldn’t do what reporters have to do today.  I couldn’t live with myself if I were one of the talking heads on television or reporters in what’s left of the newspapers.  You have to sell your soul to be relevant, and you have to check your integrity at the door.  I’m thankful I don’t have to do that.

Where Have You Gone Joe DiMaggio?

Or any other athlete from the 1900’s….

I’m amazed at what sports have become in this country, it’s become an obsession for so many people.  Constant sports shows on the TV or radio, analyzing the previous game, predicting the outcome of the upcoming game.  The money that we invest in sports is amazing, while we rail against the billionaires in this country and their lavish lifestyles, we don’t hesitate to pour money into whatever sport(s) we are obsessed with.

And the gambling?  I find it hard to believe the time and money we put into gambling on every aspect of sports, will the pitcher throw a ball or strike on the next pitch, will one of the kickers hit the upright on a kick, how long will the national anthem last, which team will score first in the game?  Thankfully, they also run advertisements during the game for people with gambling addiction….  

For me, the worst is amateur sports, or what used to be amateur sports.  College sports are essentially professional sports at this point, and student athletes are really just athletes, the classroom is irrelevant for college athletes, they are there to participate in whatever sport they are involved in. The Olympics used to be something I looked forward to, but now it’s just a bunch of professional athletes competing essentially for themselves, not the country they “represent”.  It used to be so much fun to root for American athletes in the Olympics, but now, it’s just a bunch of professionals looking for their payday.

I’m thankful I grew up during the time when sports were sports, players played the game for the love of the game, or the love of their school or country.  I had the opportunity to see Edwin Moses, Dan Gable, Florence Griffith-Joyner, Eric Heiden, Dorothy Hamill and many others compete for this country.  And best of all, I had the opportunity to witness Miracle on Ice, when a group of young American hockey players beat the hated Soviet Union, 

Loyalty Meant Something

For the past 28+ years I worked for Barco, a Belgian company, and WIKA, a German company.  Overall, I worked for a total of five companies prior to finishing my career teaching at Ohio Dominican University, to try to “give back” for what I received.

Even though I only worked for five companies in my career, it still feels like too many.  I was raised in the generation that believed you started work at one company, and you stayed there until you retired.  That has changed, it’s not uncommon for people to change jobs every year or two, it has become the normal course of business.

The lack of loyalty doesn’t just go one way either, employers have lost their loyalty to their workforce, it used to be that employees were valued, but now, they’re just a replaceable commodity, like a projector bulb or pressure gauge.

While I may have come in on the tail-end of it, I still felt that the companies I worked for valued me, and my colleagues, as important parts of the organization, and I know many of us felt the same way about where we worked.  The picture above is from when a group of us from WIKA participated in a fundraising walk/run to give back to our community and enjoy some fun together.  I’m thankful I was able to experience that, and it saddens me that the younger generation won’t get to experience what it was like to really feel proud of the company you work for.

Looking back, I’m really thankful for what we were. I grew up in a great country, and for all of its issues, I think it was a great place to grow up.  I’m proud of my upbringing, I’m proud of the nation we once were.  I once was incredibly proud to be an American, and I’m so thankful for those memories.  Nothing can change that.

I’m not sure where it all went wrong, but somewhere along the way, it went horribly wrong.  I believe those before us gave us a great country, they sacrificed to give us a better future than they had.  I wish I could say the same for future generations.  My generation has let them down, I’m afraid.  We didn’t pay it forward like those before us.

Is This Heaven?

Nah, it's Massachusetts.  Sorry.  But, I could easily see spending the rest of my living days there.

Laurel and I recently attended a workshop at Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health in Stockbridge, Massachusetts.  For those who aren't familiar, Kripalu is the Holy Grail for those who practice yoga, we've wanted to go there for years.  For some perspective, imagine you are going to the Vatican, Mecca, Jerusalem, whatever holy place is important to you, and how giddy you would be to go there.  That was how I felt as we set off on our journey.

"Appreciation Instead of Expectation"

The beginning was difficult, as is often the case, "you can't get there from here".  We started out at 4 in the morning, finally arrived at 2, and our room wasn't ready.  We finally got to our room at 4 in the afternoon, 12 hours of travel, tired, sweaty, and irritable.  To be fair, they were very clear up front, you can check in at 2, but rooms may not be ready until 4, so I had no one to be angry with other than life itself, which did me absolutely no good, or me for poor travel planning, which again, does absolutely no good.  Not a great start to our trip to nirvana, but it was time to start appreciating and put my First World problems aside.

"Returning to Your True Nature"

The workshop we chose was led by Jillian Pransky, a very seasoned and accomplished teacher, who uses yoga, meditation, and mindfulness techniques to help us develop our spiritual health and wellness.  We spent four days in classes with 30-40 other people, absorbing what Jillian had to say, and also doing yoga, meditation, enjoying nature and having great conversations along the way.  I would never try to put into words what Jillian does or how she makes it such a great experience, but the main technique she uses is called "LARLAR".  LARLAR is an acronym for:

• Land 
• Arrive
• Relax 
• Listen 
• Attend
• Respond

The first LAR, Land, Arrive, Relax, was perfect for me based on the start.  I needed to land in my space, get grounded after a long journey.  I needed to truly arrive, find my breath and get centered.  I needed to relax, and it's really much deeper than that, I needed to find those areas of my body that hold the tension, that instinctively don't relax.  Maybe, just maybe, my "flight in" was a perfect way to start this workshop.

We practiced, we learned techniques and tools to grow, and we had an incredible amount of fun.  Laurel and I were so impressed with Jillian and her capabilities, we bought her book, and we've started looking ahead to our next adventure with her.  I can't recommend her enough.  She brings such a wealth of knowledge, she gave us so many tools to work with, and she brings her message with warmth, sincerity, and humor.  

"Shiny Happy People"

Recently I saw a show that brought up the song "Shiny Happy People" by REM.  I never really paid any attention to the song, but I decided to watch the video on YouTube.  I would challenge anyone to watch it and not be incredibly happy afterward, even if it is fairly silly and trite.  It's just a fun video to watch.  This song resonates with me as I think about my time at Kripalu.  Some various anecdotal experiences from my time there:

• When we first arrived, there was a young lady walking a large Poodle, named Poodle(how appropriate!), and she asked if we would mind petting her dog.  Her dog was old, 14, and if she sees people, she wants to be petted.  Of course, we loved the opportunity to pet her dog.  When we were leaving, there was a man walking the same dog.  Same request.  We found out that his daughter worked at the bookstore and couldn't get away to walk her dog, so he was doing it.  Again, we loved the opportunity, a perfect beginning and ending to our trip.
• There was a group of deaf people sitting at the one table near us every day for breakfast.  They were signing to each other each morning during breakfast, smiling, laughing, it was a beautiful sight.  As Laurel pointed out, it was supposed to be a silent breakfast, so yes, they were probably violating the rules, but I just find sign language so beautiful, I simply enjoyed seeing their conversations.
• I saw Rolf Gates.  I wish I could say I met him, because I so desperately wanted to thank him for starting me on my spiritual and mindfulness reading journey.  Seven or eight years ago, I read "Meditations on Intention and Being", and then "Meditations From the Mat" (OK, I read them out of order), and I was hooked.  Since then I've read several Stephen Cope books, Jack Kornfield, Michael Singer, Thich Nhat Hanh, Max Strom, and many others, a wealth of wonderful books and stories about being present, finding your dharma, living your true life.  These books have meant so much to me, and someday, I'd love to thank Mr. Gates for starting me on this journey.  Someday.
• Kripalu has several programs going on simultaneously and overlapping, so the campus was vibrant and alive the entire time.  There was a menagerie of people, all ages, race, ethnicity, just a melting pot of people on their own individual journey.  
• Kripalu has several technology-free areas.  For the most part, we saw little use of computers, cell phones, anything while we were there.  It was so nice to escape technology even for a few days.
• Probably partially because of the dearth of technology, or because of the type of people who come to a setting like this, people were so nice.  As noted, there are lots of programs, lots of people, and as you'd pass by them, they'd smile, say hello, hold the door for you, thank you for holding the door for them.  People were so intentional, I have to believe part of it is where we were, but also no one was "doom scrolling" on their phones.
• They have a beautiful labyrinth, winding through many small trees, it creates such a peaceful, introspective time to reflect, I've done labyrinths before, but walking one in such a natural setting carries a special meaning.
  
  

"Returning to Your True Nature"

OK, here's where I went a bit negative based on an incredible positive.  My God, the beauty all around us.  A beautiful lake, rolling hills, filled with huge trees, walking trails everywhere, you couldn't look in any direction without seeing nature in all its glory.  I then thought about where we live, and another song came to mind, "Big Yellow Taxi", or at least one line from the song, "Paved paradise, put up a parking lot".  Where we live, they are bulldozing everything, all the fields, trees, habitats for animals, are gone.  Just houses and apartments for as far as the eyes can see.  It was so relaxing and peaceful to be immersed in nature, even for such a short amount of time.

The best part, of course, is I got to share this journey with the person I love more than anything else in the world.  She was the one who started me on this journey, we have traveled it together for the last eight of our 42 years, and I look forward to further adventures at Kripalu or wherever our spiritual journey takes us.  Laurel, yoga and nature.  Almost Heaven.

The Four Horsemen of the American Apocalypse

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free"

"Give me your white, your rich, your hate-filled racists yearning to discriminate"

Where to even start?  This has been going on for years, this country has been gradually sliding backward, and while there are many of us who can take credit for it, I think these four hate groups probably should get their fair share of credit.  Again, not sure where to start, but I'll start at the top, and I'll keep it brief, since I'm sure many of you don't want to listen to me rant:

Moms for Liberty

Similar to many hate groups, this group hides behind the premise that they are just looking out for our children.  But some of their methods and rationale are really quite questionable:

• Bullying teachers and administrators into resigning if they don't acquiesce to their ideals of proper teaching.  One of their major topics is teaching compassion and empathy in school because we wouldn't want our children to have any compassion or empathy for their fellow students.
• Book bans and book burning.  There is a wealth of great literature they are opposed to, but they are particularly focused on any books that relate to the LGBTQ+ community or the history of racism in this country.  A sampling of books that they've had banned:

I've not read two of the books, but I have read "The Bluest Eye" by Toni Morrison.  She is one of my favorite authors and is an exceptional writer.  But yes, she does use the framework of our racist heritage quite a bit in her books.  Maybe if we ignore it, it will go away....

Just a reminder, book burning was a major tool in Nazi Germany to suppress critical thinking, but then again, we don't seem to learn from history.  You'd have to read, of course.

Christian Nationalists

"Organized religion is the cause of most human suffering and evil"

I can't take credit for that line, it comes from Charles Russell Lowell in the 1800's at the height of slavery.

I'm still baffled by this one.  I remember years ago, Sandy McConnel preaching at Westminster Presbyterian Church and saying the American flag does not belong on the altar at church, no flag belongs on the altar.  

Quite frankly, mixing religion and country is un-American, this nation was built on religious freedom, and more importantly, it's blasphemy and sacrilege.  Anytime I hear about "God and Country" services or Christian Nation, I cringe.  I would have thought that we would have learned from Nazi Germany, which also espoused "God With Us", but then again, as noted above, we don't really seem to want to read books, particularly history books.  

Unfortunately, we seem to want to use the Bible as our weapon of choice against anyone who we don't agree with.  It would appear that Christian Nationalists never turned the page once they got to the end of the Old Testament and read about Jesus and particularly what he said in the Beatitudes.  Might be worth a Google.  No, they'd prefer the God of the Old Testament to smote those who don't look like us or worship like us.

Fox News

Easily the one of the four that I despise the most.  As I've noted before, you'd have to put a gun to my head to get me to watch Fox "News".  While there really isn't any real news anymore, it's all slanted to whatever side the news outlet is on, Fox News has to be the lowest of the low.  They don't just mix in propaganda to support the current administration and the far right, they blatantly push racism and hatred for anyone who is different from white, Christian America. 

They start most segments with catch phrases like "This is going to make you angry!" to get the base riled up.  Years ago, they declared that there was a "War on Christmas" to stir up the Christians in this country.  They jump on any news item featuring a transgender athlete to tell us about someone who won a 100 yard dash in Bumfuck, Nebraska, and how our children will never be able to compete in sporting events ever again because of the proliferation of transgender athletes.  They try to tell us that immigrants are running rampant in gangs, killing people and eating our pets.  The sad part is, as we've seen where we live, old, white people sit around all day watching Fox News, and they believe the shit that the talking heads tell them.  

You know, it would be great if they'd ever supply some facts about the overwhelming majority of mass shootings are committed by white males in this country, not any minority or immigrant.  Yeah, I'm pretty sure you won't ever hear that on Fox News.  Instead they make killers like this, heroes in our country:

While immigrants in this country live in fear of deportation, we allow people like this to roam free.  If we really cared about a safer America, we would be deporting white men instead.  Oh, wait....

The good news is Fox News has become the training ground for the current president's cabinet.  There are at last count 23 former Fox News personalities in government, I'm sure they are all very qualified.  They recognize that wearing brown suits, eating Grey Poupon, and going to the Met are bad, but taking bribes from foreign countries and stealing from the American people are good.  Check the box, they are qualified to run our government!

Republican National Committee

This one is probably the hardest one for me.  I spent all of my adult life until 2016 as a devout Republican, pretty much voted straight party for 36 years or so.  I'm not sure if they changed or I changed, but I doubt I ever vote for another Republican unless some of the good ones like Adam Kinzinger or Liz Cheney come back.  Still not a fan of Democrats, but they at least seem to care about their constituents.

I wish I could say that the Republican Party I voted for has changed, but I'm not so sure, maybe I was just too naive.  They obviously are owned by the NRA, so we will never see any type of gun legislation in this country.  Again, worth a Google, take a look at which politicians the NRA funds and how much money they give.  And they are clearly beholden to the rich in America as evidenced by the tax laws and spending bills they propose.  

What I find really interesting is that many of them make no bones about it, they come out and say that they really don't care about the poor or even the middle class.  I'm not sure how people are going to be able to live a normal life with the wages they are making and the cuts to health programs like Medicaid.  There have been some recent public comments that are truly amazing to me, by Republicans like Joni Ernst and Mitch McConnel.  Funny thing, when I heard Joni Ernst say, "Well, we are all going to die", I imagined her channeling her inner Creasy (Denzel Washington) from the movie "Man on Fire".

So many people want to blame the current president, but let's be real, he is obviously who we want.  He's a racist, he's not very bright or well-read, he throws temper tantrums like a child, he insults people like a middle-schooler, he is corrupt, he has no regard for women, but he is who we decided should be our president.  While we rooted for Ralphie in "A Christmas Story", we voted for Scott Farkus.  If we look in the mirror, he is the one who is looking back at us.  As my dear friend Dave Carr quoted recently from the cartoon strip "Pogo", "We have met the enemy, and he is us".

I remember years ago, one of the funniest episodes of "Modern Family" had Phil Dunphy committing a huge error in judgment, clearly not realizing what a faux pas he committed.  Of course the episode was meant for humor.  It wasn't meant to be a rallying cry for this country.

Editor's Note:  I have a follow-up post coming, highlighting what I'm thankful for in this country.  Of course, none of the Four Horsemen.

In Celebration of Le Grand Orange

 Editor’s Note: As he is affectionately known in Canada, of course we know him as His Royal Highness, the Great Emperor Donnie, or more recently, the Great Orange Softshell TACO

Since we are celebrating Le Grand Orange on his birthday with a big military parade, I thought he should have some talking points to highlight some of the more memorable points in his career.  

He’s gone off the rails in so many different directions lately, that only the most rapid of the MAGA cult are happy with his shtick. When he was campaigning, he was talking about Hannibal Lecter, the size of Arnold Palmer’s penis, windmills, or sharks, his ramblings were nonsensical.  

But now, it’s much worse.  He’s talking about real issues like tariffs, the economy, global warming or grocery prices, he just isn’t very bright, and he really doesn’t have much of a clue of how these things work.  While the late night talk show hosts have a field day with how ridiculous he sounds, and many of us get a kick out of his gibberish, he is the president, he’s making us all look like fools around the world.

I’ve come up with a solution, and for the good of our country, I’m going to offer up what I believe will keep him focused, on track, and hopefully not spewing crazy comments about topics he knows very little about.

I’ve developed some crisp talking points, they’re short, and even with his apparent dementia, he should be able to get through them without digressing, as long as we keep the teleprompter in front of him.  Plus, they are focused very much on him, which is by far what he likes talking about the most, so he should be able to stay on course.  I’ve developed four, I can come up with plenty more, but I homed in on some of the most important topics that he can address and at least make him sound somewhat presidential.

The first one is to highlight his great respect for those who served our country and the sacrifices that were made to protect our country:

“Back when I was in ‘Nam, I was flying in a helicopter with Bob Duvall and Marty Sheen, and I could tell they were scared, they were white as ghosts.  There were missiles flying all around us, I got it, I could understand why they were scared.  Me?  Hell, no, I’m not a loser, I knew the VC’s could never shoot us down.  I tried to lighten them up, so I said, ‘Don’t you love the smell of napalm in the morning?’  Bob looked at me, and said, ‘Donnie (Bob always called me Donnie), that’s a great line, can I use it?’  I said, of course, just give me credit for it.  He never did, but that’s OK, everyone knows it’s my line.  It was a great day, we destroyed the VC’s and made Vietnam a much safer place.”

The second focuses on catch phrases, key talking points that people can remember.  Think, “We’re going to build a wall, and Mexico is going to pay for it”:

“Back when Martin Luther King was going to give his big speech in Washington, I could tell he was really nervous.  It was a pretty big crowd, nowhere near the size of my crowds, but still, for him a big crowd.  I said ‘Doc, you got to grab them from the beginning.  Get them excited.’  He said, ‘Donnie (he always called me Donnie) what would you do?’  I said ‘You need to come up with a tag line, something that everyone will get excited about.  Doesn’t need to mean anything, doesn’t matter, just a line.’  Out of the blue, I thought, “I have a dream!”  Came to me just like that.  I told Doc, ‘Say I have a dream!  Immediately, people will start dreaming, some about a juicy Big Mac, some about having sex with Ivanka, doesn’t matter, they won’t hear another thing you say.’  They loved it, crowd went wild, nothing like one of my crowds, but it was a great day.”

 

The next one is really strategic, it’s about golf, and everyone knows, old white guys love to talk about golf, almost as much as playing it:

 

“Back when Tiger Woods was the captain of the Ryder Cup team, he came to me and said, ‘Donnie (Tiger always called me Donnie), I know we could win the Ryder Cup if we had you on the team, but there are so many whiny babies on the PGA tour, they would complain if I put an amateur on the team, even though you’re a better golfer than any of us.’  I said, ‘Tiger, I understand, it really wouldn’t be fair for me to do it, it would just create too much controversy.’  Did they win?  Hell, no, I knew they couldn’t win without me.  But, I gave Tiger some advice, and he used it.  I told him, if you lose, just say the match was rigged.  And keep on saying it over and over and over again.  Doesn’t matter if you have any evidence, the more you say something, the more people believe it.  And they did, everyone said that America got screwed in that Ryder Cup match.  It was a great day to be an American.”

 

The last is the most important, it speaks to his love of God and his close and deep relationship with God:

“I was lying in bed the one night, all alone, and I was starting to doze off, when I heard a voice, ‘Donnie, it’s me, God.’  Well of course I knew it was God, He always calls me Donnie.  He said, ‘This country is going to Hell in a handbasket, and we need to do something.  I tried sending a couple hurricanes to destroy a bunch of liberals, but they diverted them, and it only hit a bunch of good, Christian Nationalists.  I’m thinking about sending down some she-bears to rip some people apart.’  I said, ‘God, I know what you mean, but I think I have a better solution.  How about I put together a Bible.  But not just any Bible, a Bible that has my name on it.  I’ll call it the “God Bless the USA Bible”.  With your words, and my name on it, we can get people reading the Bible again.  The best part is I’ll have it made in China, so I’ll make a small fortune on it!’  God loved the idea, He said, ‘Donnie, you are amazing.  Don’t you ever worry, if anyone ever tries to assassinate you, I’ll always be there to redirect those bullets.  You’ll always be just like a son to me.”

OK, I may have taken a few liberties with the truth, but really, nowhere near the liberties that he takes.  Plus, it’s really quite entertaining, and no one gets hurt.  No more discussions on real issues that he knows nothing about, and no more hate-filled racist rants.  Very simple stories, easy for him to repeat over and over, and the cult will love them and eat them up.  

As noted, if this works, I can come up with many more of these, I just want to make him sound presidential rather than like a babbling lunatic, since he is the president, so it would be good for him to sound at least semi-intelligent.  If that’s possible of course.

And if this offended you, I’ll paraphrase His Royal Highness, the Great Emperor Donnie, “You can’t take a joke”.  Well of course we can, you’re the president!

There But for the Grace of God....

All the young dudes

Bam!

“You need to go faster!”

Bam! He smashed into my bumper again.

“I’m going to kill that son of a bitch!”

I pulled my car to the side of the road, jumped out and screamed, “I’m going to kick your ass!”

Just then I saw the knife flash in my face as he backed me up against my car. Then I saw two more guys, both with knives, all of them bigger than us, and the one in front of me, ugly as ugly could be. He didn’t have much to lose.

I started talking quickly, “Can you please put the knife down, please put the knife away.” He started pushing me backward, I had nowhere to go, I was between my car and him and the knife. We were on an old backroad, nothing around, no one coming anytime soon.  I talked faster and faster, “Can you please put the knife away” over and over and over.

As noted, they were all bigger, the one looked like Grizzly Adams (I know, too old for most of you), he was huge. My friend Kevin started mouthing off, and I yelled, “Kevin, shut the hell up!”, just as Grizzly pushed him in the ditch.

I eventually talked the guy in front of me to put his knife away, he offered to fight me straight up, but I politely declined, I would have most likely gotten my ass kicked, and I was still shaken, envisioning that knife in my face.

They eventually got back into their car and drove away. Somehow, crisis averted.

That’s probably my most vivid “crisis” memory from my teenage years or early 20’s, I think the rest weren’t quite as intense, or my brain was under too much influence to remember some of the parts or even all of the parts. Lord knows, I wasn’t the best citizen back then. Somehow, miraculously, I survived without getting killed or arrested. But sadly, not all of us did.

I recently completed teaching a course at Marion Correctional Institution, I taught a class on “Personal Financial Planning” to eight of the inmates there. I taught this class as a part of a program through Marion Technical College, who provides a great number of courses for the inmates. While I thoroughly enjoyed the teaching and interacting with all the people involved, I don’t plan on returning at least in the near term.

There are several reasons for this, and I’ll raise them in the order that they came to me as I debated returning or not. The first:

The red tape to get access to the facility

First of all, I get it. We are talking about a medium-security prison, and all precautions are necessary to ensure the safety of everyone. The facility is about 40 minutes away from where I live, and over an hour from my main teaching location, Ohio Dominican University. So, it’s not a short commute for me to pop in for whatever is needed.

There was a great deal of red tape to go through to get access to the facility. It all started in the Fall, I had to go through a background check, training, get a badge to get into the prison, various processes and procedures to just be able to get in. I went through various starts and stops, I’d drive up, and for whatever reason, the person I needed to see wasn’t there, I had to turn around and go home. Even once I was supposed to start teaching in January, I didn’t have access on my own, I had to be escorted in and out. The whole process of getting to and into the facility was painful, I had to always plan extra time to account for whatever might go wrong.

The course setup

Marion Technical College sets up the course in their learning system, which typically leaves it to me to purely teach the course. OK, I’m making this sound easier than it is, but I taught a course in the Fall at MTC on campus, and it went quite well, the course was set up incredibly well. As I said, all I had to do was teach.

The issue in this case was that they were transitioning the Learning Management System from Canvas to Brightspace, and the transition wasn’t complete. This was the last time this course was being offered at the prison, and the course just wasn’t set up very well. I don’t blame anyone for this; it was just the circumstances led to a very difficult teaching experience for me. In this case I wasn’t purely teaching the course, I had to fix a great deal of issues each week

Plus, and I did know this up front, you’re not allowed to bring any paper or anything else into the facility. Apparently in the past, drugs could be smuggled in by spraying something on the paper for inmates to be able to inhale from the paper. This makes no sense to me, but that was the situation, and so I had to plan ahead, send files to the administrative personnel ahead of time and hope to have copies for my class each week, which was hit or miss.

It's not them, it’s me

As I made the decision not to return after the Spring semester, I blamed the red tape, I blamed the poor course setup, and as noted, in each case, I understood why it was the way it was, I just didn’t have the time or energy to deal with it while having a full-time teaching job already. It just wasn’t feasible, for once, I had to say no to something, which is a whole other story for me.

But then, reality slapped me in the face. I was at graduation at Ohio Dominican, and I was talking to Shawn Zerby, he’s the father of one of my students, Liz Zerby. He and I were discussing my time teaching at Marion Correctional Institution, and I forget exactly how he phrased it, but he asked me if it bothered me teaching at the prison. It finally dawned on me, yes it did, it did greatly, but maybe not the way he meant or the way many people would think.

As the semester went along, I got to know each of the students, at least to a certain extent. It was a bit of a menagerie of people, but the one thing they had in common was they had been institutionalized for many years. You’d get into situations where you were talking about things in modern-day life, and they really hadn’t experienced them, they had been in for so long. Driving, cell phones, shopping, normal day-to-day experiences we take for granted, they had no real clue about. I never knew what any of them did to be incarcerated, I didn’t want to know, and I really didn’t know for sure when any of them were getting out, or if they ever will be.

But I would get snippets along the way. I believe most or all of them had been in prison for 20 years or more. The one young man talked about turning 40, and having spent half of his life there. There were several stories like that, but the one that got me the most was what I heard on my last night. One gentleman talked about his senior year in high school, it was his last week, he was going to graduate high school with honors that Friday, but he never made it, he was arrested and had been in prison ever since. He had just passed his 26th year in prison. He always carried mala beads with him to stay calm, to “not lose his shit” as he would say.

There but for the grace of God, go I

You know, I know I don’t have the answers, and I guess none of do. I just struggle with this is the life someone gets for making whatever mistake it was when their brain wasn’t fully functioning yet. Making the wrong decision or choice at 18-20, and your freedom, your life is over. It was devastating for me to imagine that, and I felt so much sadness and empathy for those gentlemen, but again, I have absolutely no idea what they did to get into that situation. I just feel so lucky and blessed that I somehow didn’t make the same mistake. I did some really stupid things as a teenager, but I survived, I made it through.

A couple weeks ago, Laurel and I were in Gallery 22, a volunteer-run gift shop. They always have some form of eclectic art, and it’s a great experience to see what they have. It was a “perfect” signature moment for my prison experience. The one display is shown below, it’s an art project that shows various stories of women who are in prison, and what they miss the most about being incarcerated. As I read each of the stories, I started crying. The simple little things we take for granted in life, they missed the most, “having a dog”, “late night drives with the music blaring”, “being able to call home whenever I want”. Some of the same things I would miss, and am so thankful that I have.

Will I go back? I’m pretty confident I will. I believe people who do this really serve a greater purpose, and I applaud them for doing it day after day, semester after semester. I just didn’t have the time, or more importantly, the strength, to do it right now. I need to focus less on the sadness I experience for them, and more on what I can hopefully do to help them if and when they ever get out. I kind of feel like I owe it to them.

But I Can't Meditate!

A few months ago, I read Dan Harris’ book, “10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works”. I learned about the book on Nadia Bolz-Weber’s website, and she highly recommended it for anyone, but particularly those of us who journey with those voices. Plus, I loved how she noted that Dan’s wife said the book should really be titled “90% Still an Asshole”.

I read the book, and I fell in love with it. I felt like Dan Harris and I were kindred spirits. OK, I was never a famous journalist and TV personality, and I’ve never worked in dangerous war zones to cover a story, but I’ve lived so many of the other pieces, the anxiety, the voices, the drug use, I could relate to what he was saying, and on a certain level, I was living his stories while reading them.

The crux of the book is to help his readers find the power of meditation and how it can transform your life, and once I was done with the book, I was sold. I had done some meditation at times, but never really that successfully. I decided I was going all in, and I subscribed to his app, so I could get emails, access to his website with various meditations, I was going to start meditating every day.

That lasted, I think, one day? I started out with an “easy” meditation, I had done this one before, it’s called “Loving Kindness Meditation”. There are some variations of this, but essentially you go through a list of people, someone you love, a mentor, an acquaintance, someone you don’t like, and then yourself, picture that person, and then say to them:

“May you be happy

May you be safe

May you be healthy

May you live your life at ease"

As noted, I think I made it one day. But then, it got much worse. What is amazing and incredible about Dan Harris is he truly believes in the power of meditation. Because of that, he sends almost daily emails with new meditations, advice, information, all sorts of helpful hints about how you can enhance your meditation practice. It was stressing me out….

I would let the emails sit in my inbox, unread, and they would pile up. Once I’d get about 10 in there, I’d take them all and move them to a separate folder, so I wouldn’t have to see them anymore. I’d tell myself that I’ll go back when I have time and read them all. I think I currently have 42 unopened emails in the folder, hanging over my head like Damocles’ Sword.

Thankfully, a few weeks ago, I got an email from Dan Harris that was titled something like, “Feeling guilty about not meditating?” This one I opened and read, and it was well worth it. It talked about all of those ways we are already meditating, even if we don’t sit in a lotus position, back straight, eyes closed, completely focused on our meditation. As he notes:

“No matter how little meditation you’ve done, you’ve almost certainly had moments where your anxiety and self-referential chatter naturally subsided somewhat. So just tune into those moments.”

That’s when I realized, I’ve been meditating all this time. No, not in a traditional way, but in my own way, and quite frankly, if for once I can say something good about myself, I think I’m doing it really well.

I started a morning routine, several years ago of doing plank and boat each day after getting up. It varied for a while, but now it is exactly the same, every morning, at least five days/week. I turn on YouTube, I watch and listen to two songs, Hillsong United’s “So Will I” and Casting Crowns’ “Nobody”. In many cases, I can’t actually see the videos, I can only listen, but it’s OK. What really struck me as I thought about this routine, is it has a certain amount to do with the music, it has a certain amount to do with the exercise, but the overwhelming part of it? The breath. Everything is geared to the breath. While this may bore you to tears, bear with me, there’s a reason for showing you this:

My Meditation Practice

Hillsong United – “So Will I” 

7 minutes, 2 seconds

·  Forearm plank – 18 breaths (OK, why 18? Who the hell knows, but that’s what it is)

“God of creation

There at the start

Before the beginning of time”

· Side plank, left side – 10 breaths
· Side plank, right side – 10 breaths
· Plank – 5 breaths
· Side plank, left side – 5 breaths
· Side plank, right side – 5 breaths

Casting Crowns – “Nobody”

3 minutes, 52 seconds

· Reverse plank or reverse table – 10 breaths (OK, one variation to the routine)
· Boat to low boat, back and forth – 10 breaths

“Well the moral of the story is

Everybody’s got a purpose”

· Low boat, scissor legs back and forth (10 breaths)
· Low boat, feet go wide, tap heels together (10 breaths)
· Low boat, swim the feet (10 breaths)
· Boat, rotate arms back and forth, right, center, left and back (5 breaths)

It took me such a long time to figure out, it wasn’t about the exercise, although I do need it. It’s not about the songs, although I do love both songs and the messages in them. Quite frankly, there are several songs I could easily substitute. It’s the breath. Finding the breath each morning, and consistently staying with that breath.

· Time – 10 minutes, 54 seconds, but really irrelevant
· How long am I holding the various plank or boat poses? – No idea
· Number of breaths – 108. To be honest, I just did the count right now as I was writing this. The number 108 is considered sacred and is associated with various aspects of divinity, wholeness, and the universe. OK, most likely this happened by dumb luck, but then again, maybe it didn’t….

I just got an email the other day from Anne Weidinger, an incredibly gifted yoga teacher. She loves hummingbirds, and she was espousing all of the great qualities that hummingbirds show and can teach us. The one I gravitated to was “abhyasa”. She had a definition in her email, but I wanted to explore further since it captured me.

“In the context of yoga and spiritual practice, abhyasa refers to consistent, dedicated, and sustained practice. It’s the effort and willpower needed to maintain a steady practice, not just in the physical sense of asanas, but also in the mental and emotional aspects of yoga, such as quieting the mind.”

I’ve found that my mornings, those 108 breaths, center me, allow me the ability to quiet my mind, and at least start the day in a good way. I’ve found when I go more than a day without this routine, I get out of sync, and I can’t wait to get back to my breath.

OK, I may have bored the shit out of you with the minute details of my daily practice, but as Casting Crowns would say, “Everybody’s got a purpose”. I hope that this will awaken in each of you what you’re doing each day to meditate and ground yourself. Dan Harris gave various examples, a walk in nature, holding a baby, watching a sunset, cuddling with your cat, give yourself credit! Think about the ways you are already meditating and embrace them, expand them, see where you can find your grounding. And breathe.