A Clearing Season

Last week our Senior Pastor Chris Henry introduced our Lenten Study for the next six weeks or so, which will center around a book, “A Clearing Season” and small group development and interaction to study the book and come closer to God.

I have to confess that I’ve never been much for Lent, and please don’t take that in the wrong way.  Due to my job and profession, this is one of the worst times of the year, I’m “crazy busy” (wait, didn’t Chris do a sermon on that topic?), and I just don’t have time for Lent.

As Chris introduced the study and the schedule, I looked and realized that there was a bit of a problem.  Week 1, wait, I’m out of town.  Week 2, that’s right, I’m out of town.  As we went through each week, it dawned on me, I was going to be out of town through Holy Week.  It was going to be a little difficult to engage in this study if I was going to be out of town every week.

I decided though that as “crazy busy” as I am, as difficult as this might be, I need this Lenten study as much or more than ever.  In our Sunday School class, we have been studying the book, “The Shack”, and reading this book and rehashing some memories of our “Year of Discontent” in 2013 made me realize I need to resolve some things in my life. 

Let me take a step back for a second.  As those of you who have read my blog know, 2013 was the year that everything unraveled for us.  We came off of an incredible 2012 as a family, and one by one, things fell apart.  We put our dog Minnie to sleep, Laurel’s Mom died, my Dad died, and worst of all, we had to withdraw Patrick from college after he started having suicidal tendencies and had to go into a mental hospital twice.  To make it even worse, we discovered through this that the music teacher, who we had trusted as family, had sexually abused Patrick leading him to this desire to commit suicide. 

The interesting thing was that through everything, through the pain, the crying, the hurt, the feeling of failure, and those nights of thinking, I really can’t go through another day, my faith in God grew stronger.  Sure, there were days, when I’d be out on my morning runs, when I’d curse God, I’d question His wisdom, His “plan”, but my faith in Him didn’t waiver and I actually grew closer to God.  I’ve never been closer to God in my entire life, and since then, while my faith hasn’t changed, I’m not nearly as close to Him as I was then.  And as Chris alluded to last week, so who do you think moved?

I remember reading a story about prisoners of war during World War II describing the bond they had with each other and their closeness with God during that time, not knowing from day to day if they would continue living or be killed.  They described what it was like to be released, to be free, but lose that closeness with God.  While I would never compare my situation to theirs, I’ve experienced a similar phenomenon.  When I was at my deepest, I was closest to God. 

We discussed this briefly last week, and one young lady hit the nail on the head, at least for me.  We are so achievement oriented, we think we can do anything.  Most of the time, we don’t need God.  We essentially tell God through most of our lives, “I got this God, no need to intervene”.  It’s only when we hit bottom, when we can’t figure out what to do, we reach out to God for help.  Once we get through the tragedy or despair, we go back to our old ways.  I’m probably one of the worst there is for wanting control, so I can really relate to the idea of being in control and not needing God.

The question then becomes, how do we achieve this closeness with God without some awful thing happening to us to put us in the position of needing Him?  I’ll be honest, I never want to go through another year like 2013 again, so I really want to figure out how to do this without falling into the depths of Hell on earth again.  That will be my task, and I invite you to my journey.  I plan to write about my Lenten journey over the next six weeks or so, and share with you my progress. I will update my blog post as I go, and I hope, you will see some progress on the way. 

To get me traveling in the right direction, I’ve taken a few of the key points that Chris shared on Keeping a Holy Lent.  They are:

• Self Examination - How is it with your soul?
• Self Denial - We do not live by bread alone
• Acts of Compassion - Serving others in need
• Gathering in Community - For worship and study

·         I always believe the first step comes down to focus.  To help me focus on what I need to do and to put

me in the right frame of mind, I changed my computer screen background for this period of time.  I chose my favorite benediction from our many years at Westminster and from a dear friend, Sandy McConnel.  I’ve posted a picture of the benediction that I am planning to wake up to each day when I turn on my computer.

Self Examination – One of the things that really hit me as I read “The Shack” was I need to work on forgiveness.  I realize that while I need to forgive others, first, I need to forgive myself.  I struggle greatly with how I treated my father, and with my lack of being a good father.  My Dad was an incredible man, and an incredible father.  Unfortunately, to a great extent, I didn’t realize it until he was gone.  My Dad was so proud of me, and no matter what I did, he was proud of me.  He was always my biggest fan, and he made sure I knew it.

While I feel the same way about my own children, I just don’t have that ability that he had to show them how proud I am of them.  I wish I had his gift, I wish I could be the man and father he was, I just haven’t been able to do it like he could.

I can’t change the past, I can’t go back and show my Dad how much I appreciate all he did for me like I should have, but I have to get past that and forgive myself for what I didn’t do.  I also have time, hopefully plenty of time, to show my children how proud I am of them like my Dad did for me.  Re-reading “The Shack” really opened up this wound for me that needs to be addressed and healed.  I can’t effectively forgive others until I learn to forgive myself.  This will be a major part of my self-examination this Lenten season.

Self Denial – No more “useless” internet.  My point here is that I have to use the Internet for banking, some purchases, travel, teaching, but other than that, no internet.  I/we waste too much time on useless internet sites, and as Dave Carr would say, we have to avoid those rabbit holes.  No useless internet, more effective study and reflection.

Acts of Compassion – Historically, I have had a “Clinging Cross” ministry.  Periodically, when I find

someone in need, I give them a Clinging Cross with a note to help them through their issue or as encouragement for them.  I just ordered six more Clinging Crosses, and my plan is to become more intentional this Lenten Season, and give out those six Clinging Crosses to those who need some compassion and encouragement.  I’ve posted a picture of my Clinging Cross, which doesn’t look nearly as nice as the ones I’ve just bought.  Mine has seen better days, but it’s also helped me through my worst days.

Gathering in Community – On a plane?  Seriously, I can still make this work.  I plan to read “A Clearing Season” along with the church, and hopefully, somehow interact with some people along the way, maybe at church on Sunday, to get the most out of the book and this journey.  As Dave Carr would say, we have to live in commUNITY. 

One final thought.  As a part of studying “The Shack”, we’re planning to go see the movie when it comes out.  Tim McGraw and Faith Hill have recorded a song for the movie titled, “Keep Your Eyes on Me”.  It’s funny, the lyrics are rather simple, but the message is so easy, so clear, but so true.  It’s really that easy, we just make it so hard.  As I thought about the song, I thought about 2013, and really how I was able to make it through that year.

When your mother-in-law dies:

“Keep your eyes on me”

When your Dad dies:

“Keep your eyes on me”

When your son wants to kill himself because someone he trusted and loved committed a terrible crime against him:

“Keep your eyes on me”

When you just don’t know how you will be able to make it through another day:

“Keep your eyes on me”

When the rock in your life, the one who never falters, starts crumbling and can’t take it anymore:

“Keep your eyes on me”

If we maintain our focus, we can get through anything.  It's Ash Wednesday, my Lenten Journey begins.