On a Scale of 1 to 10 ....

Each time our Small Group gets together for our annual retreat, we check in with each other, to see how each member is doing.  We ask each member, “on a scale of 1 to 10, where are you?”.  We often break it down to health, personal, emotional, work, etc. 

Our Small Group has been together since the mid-90’s, so it’s been a little over 20 years.  We are 10, we lost Scott Porter a few years ago, which was difficult for all of us.  We’ve taken on a couple new members over time, Dave Weaver has been the latest a few years ago.  It’s funny, it’s really as if he’s always been there, he just fits in so well.  Some of us have moved away, so we don’t get to see each other as much, that’s what makes the annual retreat so special.

This year, someone, I’m assuming it was John Ey, had the bright idea to have our retreat in Pittsburgh.  Other than the fact that Pittsburgh is an incredible city, it’s also where I grew up, so this was an extra-special venue for me.  Eight of the 10 were able to make it, and while it would have really been nice to have Jim Clay and John Gummel there, it was still a thrill to have eight of us there.  We stayed in Shadyside, we visited Shadyside Presbyterian Church, where one of our group, Sandy McConnel, was a minister many, many years ago.  We visited Mount Washington, the Carnegie Museum of Natural History, and we visited so many great places to eat.  I think as we get older, meals become a really important part of our lives.

Being the youngest in the group (probably the only place anymore that I am the youngest), I’m noticing signs of aging amongst us.  We’re starting to compare the various medications we take, the surgeries we’ve had, the ailments we are feeling.  Losing Scott a few years ago was sobering, but the fact that we are all seeing the effects of getting older is even more sobering.  It’s really tough when the reality starts hitting you that the number of years left are far less than the number of years you have experienced, and your body and mind aren’t what they were just a few short years ago.

Getting back to the “On a scale of 1 to 10, where are you?” question, one of the rules of Small Group is that everything stays inside the group, but I don’t think I’m breaking any confidences if I reveal my score and what I told my friends.  I rate myself an 8 or a 9, which is probably the highest I’ve ever been.  Why not a 10?  Well let’s hit the negatives first on why I’m not a 10, before we get to the positives of why I’m an 8 or 9.

The negatives:

• I still suffer from depression, which is a lifelong journey that I will always suffer from.  Just like various medical or physical ailments, depression is a disease that essentially is terminal.  The good news is that I often know when I’m heading downward, and I’ve been able to cope and deal with it. 
• My job has been painful to say the least for four years now.  We have been suffering from the economy, mainly in the oil and gas industry, and it’s devastating to be a leader in a business where the people are so good, so hard working, and deserve so much more than we are giving them.  I love the people I work with, and they deserve so much better than this.  I really feel like I/we have let them down.
• I worry constantly about our children, but I really believe that’s kind of a given in life.  I don’t believe I’ll stop doing this until the day I die, and I don’t think I’m that unusual.

The positives:

• I fall in love more and more every day with Laurel.  I really can’t imagine being more in love than I am, but each day seems to bring a new level.
• We have four really incredible children, who have turned into wonderful and caring human beings.  I really couldn’t be more proud of the people they have become.
• I get to come home and see Daisy running across the yard to the top of the fence, and Little Bit peaking under the gate, and when they see me, they run like crazy into the house to greet me at the door.  I feel for those few moments like the most loved person in the world.
• We have found an amazing church in Shallowford Presbyterian Church, with great preaching, great fellowship, beautiful music, a wonderful youth program, and a welcoming community that makes us feel like we are family.
•  A year ago, Laurel introduced me to yoga at Ebb & Flow.  The physical, the spiritual, the mental, those have all been an incredible transformation for me.  But it’s also the people.  Most of it, comes vicariously for me, I’m an introvert, Laurel’s the social one.  I’ve gotten to know so many wonderful people there, mostly from listening to Laurel’s conversations, but it’s just such a nice group of people.  Plus, the teachers are so inspiring. 

What I didn’t say, and I should have said, was to give credit where credit is due.  There is no doubt, I wouldn’t be who I am at this point in my life, and comfortable with who I am, if it weren’t for this group of men.  They have been there through all of the good and not so good that I’ve experienced through the last 20+ years, and I’ve learned so much from them.  In no specific order,

·       I’ve learned the beauty of grace.

·       I’ve pushed myself to think, to learn, to write, to “sharpen the saw”.

·       I’ve copied the tattoos on my heart to tattoos on my arms.

·       I’ve seen that God does give people second chances in life, and how wonderful that can be.

·       I’ve witnessed the love of a caregiver for a parent and spouse through very difficult times.

·       I’ve seen someone who is enormously busy at work still somehow find time for so many, whether it be one of us, or one of the least of us.

·       I’ve received those phones calls to keep you motivated and looking forward when all you want to do is wallow in self-pity.

·       I’ve watched as some grow older so gracefully.

·       I’ve seen a beautiful, heartfelt goodbye that was the perfect message to a  loving congregation.

·       I’ve learned that oftentimes it’s the quiet and gentle voice that speaks the loudest.

·       I’ve seen someone give so freely and generously of his time and talents while he struggles with his spirituality.  What a gift he gives!

·       I’ve been pushed to think differently, to act differently, to view those around me differently.

·       I’ve learned that we don’t always have to agree with each other, but we can listen and hear what each other has to say, and acknowledge that there is a different way to view things.

·       I’ve seen a father’s love of his children taken to a new level that I can only hope to somehow come close to.

·       I’ve seen that it may take many years, but love does win.

·       I’ve seen Micah 6:8 lived out, “to do justice, to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God”.

The weekend ended, too soon as usual, with a meal, of course. We headed off our separate ways, knowing that these retreats will get harder and harder as we continue to age.  Many years ago, someone phrased something to me that at first, I found very odd.  She said, “He was such a good friend, I didn’t hesitate to ask a huge favor of him.”  At first, I thought of it as backwards.  But over the years, I’ve found it’s not.  There have been times, I desperately needed help, mainly with our kids, and I didn’t hesitate to call one of these guys, any day, and at any hour.  I know, they would do anything for me.  And I’d do anything for them.