Curse You Brene Brown!

Editor's Note: I debated sharing this post, I actually had a semi-sleepless night about it.  Ironically, Brene Brown covers this topic in her book "Daring Greatly" about perfectionism being the enemy of good.  But, my goal when I write a blog is that one person gets something out of it, so I'm hoping it does some good.  And I'm hopeful that Sheila, Ariel, Marlene, Bonnie and Abbe realize I'm joking.  But then again, I put you all in the same company as Brene Brown and Mr. Rogers, so that's not so bad.

And while we’re at it, curse you Sheila Ewers.  And Ariel Jaillett.  And Marlene Topping.  And Bonnie Pugh and Abbe Straw for that matter.  And practically any yoga teacher, inspirational writer, theologian, or therapist I know.  Curse you all….

OK, now that I have that out of my system, let’s get to the heart of the matter.

As I’ve grown older, and much, much wiser, I’ve discovered that certain of the “truths” I’ve been taught all my life, weren’t necessarily the truth. 

“Your greatest investment is your house”

“The highest compliment you can pay me is to say I work hard every day”

“You must find a church home”

Over time, I’ve found that on a certain level, these aren’t necessarily true, maybe at one point in time they were, but at various points, they’ve failed the litmus test of being the basic tenets of life to live by.

As I’ve come to discover the truth or untruth about these premises of life, I got excited to realize that there was another one that I could shoot a hole in, and I had planned to write a blog post about how it may be cited universally, but it’s really not true either.  It is:

“You can’t really love someone else unless you really love yourself first”

There are many variations to this quote, this happens to be one from one of my heroes, Mr. Rogers, so I guess I have to say curse you Mr. Rogers too.  At this point, I may be going to Hell.

“It’s a sad man my friend who’s living in his own skin, and can’t stand the company”

This one became vitally important to me because, like the line above I quote so often from Bruce Springsteen, I really don’t love myself, and I truly believe I love others.  But, so many really smart people seem to be saying that’s not possible, and I became excited when I started realizing so many of the hard and fast rules I lived my life by were not really correct, this could be one too!  I can love others without loving myself, all the smart people I read and know and respect are wrong.

Yeah, you can imagine how this went….

It all started innocently enough, we were on a yoga retreat that Sheila led and organized, and at one point, Sheila talked about this, and that’s when it first hit me, maybe this is all wrong.  Now, if you know Sheila, and if you know how much I respect her, you’d know this was quite the leap for me.  But that’s when it first hit me to challenge this and tell everyone why we don’t have to love ourselves to love others.

Then, I saw a post from Ariel Jaillett, who is so wise beyond her years, and it looked like this:

I commented to Ariel that I planned a blog post disputing this, I didn’t agree with it, I didn’t agree with Brene Brown, Sheila, anyone, I can love others and not love myself. 

“I’m with Sheila and Brene Brown.  You may think you love others but when you discover self love it’s like adding color to black and white pictures”

Ouch.  That one came from Marlene Topping.  I have no idea if this is an original quote from Marlene, or one she repeated, but it really hit home, there was something about the imagery, and it made me take a step back.

And then it continued to get worse.  Bonnie Pugh and Abbe Straw were leading a course at our yoga studio on Brene Brown’s book “The Gifts of Imperfection”.  I love Brene Brown, I had already read “Daring Greatly”, which moved me a great deal, and Laurel had already read “The Gifts of Imperfection” and spoke highly of it.  (Side note: anytime I read a book after Laurel reads it, she highlights, underlines, puts comments in the margin, so I know where all the important parts are).

Early in “The Gifts of Imperfection”, Brene Brown discusses the whole concept of loving oneself to be able to truly love others.  It was a sobering moment for me as she beautifully shot holes into everything I was trying to prove.  There were many great comments, but the one I found most compelling came from a woman she quoted, Renae Cobb, who said:

“Certainly, the people we love inspire us to heights of love and compassion that we might have never achieved otherwise, but to really scale those heights, we often have to go to the depths of who we are, light/shadow, good/evil, loving/destructive, and figure out our own stuff in order to love them better.”

Check and mate. 

I decided to give it one last shot, as Princess Leia once said, “Help me Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope!” I spoke to Hailey, and while I anticipated the answer she would give me, I had to at least take one last shot at vindicating myself.  Hailey is my Obi-wan, she can always seem to say the right things to me.  But, yes, she confirmed what all the other smart people were saying.

We talked, and she gave me some of the old tools she had given me to try, with some new variations, and she gave me new tools to work on.  As usual, she was able to help me figure out how to move forward rather than spinning in circles.  She may not have given me the answer I wanted, but she gave me new-found hope to work through this struggle.

As I described to her, the funny thing is I think I’m frustrated the most because I feel like I’m so close to breaking the chains and moving to a whole new level.  I’m pulling on them, I’m stretching them, I can hear them weakening, but I just can’t break them, and that’s what’s so frustrating.  I feel like I’m so close, but I can’t figure out how to get there, and that makes it all the more irritating, it’s almost in my grasp, but it could still be a million miles away, it doesn’t matter, and as noted, makes it all the more demoralizing.

I took some time and went back through my blog posts to gain some perspective, and it’s amazing to me the pattern of what I’ve written, in some senses, what little real change there’s been over the years, and a recurring theme that pervades so much of what I’ve written, and simply doesn't change.

“I’m dying alive”

“I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter…I think it’s about forgiveness”

“I abandoned my family.  I didn’t take care of my family”

I’ve spent my life, judging myself, beating myself up, not loving myself, and I’m really getting tired.  As I’ve said to Laurel, if I’m not going to truly live, I should just drive my car into Alum Creek Lake.  I’ve just been reading “The Little Prince” (thanks to Sheila), and there’s the one person the Little Prince meets on his journey, a drunkard, and he drinks to forget, he wants to forget he’s ashamed, and he’s ashamed because he drinks.  In a sense, that’s the way I feel, it’s an endless recurring nightmare, a hamster wheel that I can’t seem to get off of. 

As noted though, my frustration lies in the fact that I’m so close to breaking these chains.  I have grown to use so many valuable resources to help me navigate this, Hailey, yoga, yoga teachers, great writers, theologians, unbelievable friends and family in my life, and of course Laurel, who has been the one to encourage me and inspire me to get me to do the activities that I’m doing.  And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention God, God put these people in my life, He gave me the tools to figure it out. 

I believe though, it’s up to me now.  Just like the story of the drowning man who shoos away people trying to save him, waiting for God to answer his prayers, and ultimately drowns, I can’t wait for God to swoop down and intervene, He’s given me everything I need to overcome this, I’m the one who has

to turn inward, take it inward and find that inner light that is so desperately trying to come out.

So as I vacillate on the continuum between driving my car into Alum Creek Lake and breaking the chains that hold me back, I keep wondering, what will get me off of this endless hamster wheel?  Self love will never come until I find forgiveness.  One has to come before the other, and that has to come from me.

As I’ve shared in the past, Dave Carr has inspired me to choose a word for the new year rather than New Year’s resolutions.  My word for 2021 was faith, and that one really led me to greater heights in my spiritual journey.  My word for 2022 is going to be forgiveness.  I need to make this intentional, to put in the time, and the work, to take the final steps needed.  I need to really invest in some of the tools and ideas Hailey has given me to break through, to reach a new level.  It’s time to break the chains.

Oh, and by the way, no need to worry, I won’t drive my car into Alum Creek Lake.  As Laurel has told me, Little Bit would miss me too much.