Deep Human Connection

I recently finished a book by one of my favorite authors, Stephen Cope, titled "Deep Human Connection: Why We Need It More Than Anything Else".  Mr. Cope asks a simple question - if you dared to write the history of your own life thus far, what would be your story of connection?  He further challenges us to identify 12 people who you have been most deeply connected to in your lifetime.  From his perspective, these relationships are a significant part of what has shaped us to who we are today.

He gives us a broad perspective on this, it could be someone famous who you never met, but who had a great influence on you.  It could be someone you didn't know for very long, but in that short period of time, they had a great impact on your life.  Or it could be a close friend you had at one point in your life, with whom you spent many meaningful moments together.  He gives us some categories to consider when we do this, which are as follows:

• The Container - they have elicited in you the feeling of being safely held and soothed.

• The Twin - they have inspired in you a deep feeling of belonging.

• The Noble Adversary - they have challenged you, opposed you, confronted you, and frustrated you.

• The Mirror - they have seen something special in you and have reflected you back to yourself in important ways.

• The Conscious Partner - they have been irreplaceable companions as you've worked your way up the path toward an understanding of the meaning of your life.

Deep Connectors in My Life

A couple of caveats before I start down the path of the people who have shaped my life the most or I've had the deepest connection with.  Not sure about you, but coming up with 12 wasn't easy, and I also wanted to leave it open to continue to think about it.  So I left the list at six to give myself some time to dig deeper, but also to leave it open to so many people who have shaped my life.  Also, I excluded any of the members of my former Small Group, because it wouldn't be fair or appropriate to single out any one of them, and quite frankly I couldn't.  I also excluded any of the incredible yoga teachers I've had in my life, there have been so many who have had a huge impact on me, I couldn't ever single one of them out.

With those rules in place, in in no strict order or identification for where they fit above, here are my six.  For now.

Dale Thomas - Similar to Doc Holliday, I really haven't had many friends in my life.  Dale was one of them, and my best friend for many years through high school and college.

My family moved from the suburbs of Pittsburgh to Slippery Rock, going from neighborhoods where I could walk or bike anywhere to the middle of corn fields and cow pastures.  I was incredibly unhappy.  Plus, I was the new kid from the "city" coming to a farming community.  Let's just say I wasn't immediately liked.

Dale was the All-American boy, he played three sports, he was tall, handsome, he never swore, girls loved him, he had it all. He was all of the things I wasn't.  And for some reason, he befriended me and essentially took me under his wing.  I still have no idea how that all happened, but it did.

We remained friends throughout high school and into college.  We eventually served as each other's best man in our weddings.  As time went on, we moved to different cities, started careers, raised families, and we separated further and further away as often happens in life.

I can't imagine what my high school years would have been like without Dale.  We spent so much time together, and we had our share of adventures, some not the best kind, but we survived.  I'm so thankful that for whatever reason Dale befriended me, it made such a huge difference in my life.

Craig Scanlon - Similar, but different to the story about Dale, Craig befriending me made an incredible difference in my life.  When I got out of graduate school, Laurel and I moved from her parents' house in Pittsburgh to Dayton, Ohio, where I was starting my first "real" job.  I had been an English major, wanted to write for newspapers, which didn't work out, so I went to graduate school, got my MBA, and went to work for a public accounting firm.  As I often say, I fulfilled every child's dream....

It's bad enough to be starting your first real job, but new city, freshly married, new apartment, and really not sure if this was what I wanted to do with my life.  I mean the job.  I started out at Touche Ross, and as most people can attest to when they start in public accounting, I thought, they've figured it out, I don't belong here.  I was completely lost, and didn't really know if I could cut it or not.

When on a client site, you would have various people working on the engagement, and we were all led by the senior on the engagement.  Seniors usually had 4-5 years experience, and they could be a bit intimidating.  Luckily on a couple of my first assignments, Craig was the semi-senior, he had about 2-3 years experience.  What was great about Craig was he was so understanding, he always seemed completely calm, and he really coached and taught well.  I never felt intimidated by Craig, he was always willing to help and provide guidance when I was scared to death.  He really helped me survive my first year or so at Touche Ross.

It went beyond that though.  Craig invited Laurel and me out to dinner with his wife Sandy, and eventually he would have us over to his house, we would get people together for touch football or tennis, he really went out of his way to make me, and Laurel, feel comfortable in our new home.  Similar to the story about Dale, I'm not sure my early career would have been nearly as pleasant if it wouldn't have been for Craig.

Catherine Foster – Catherine was the Associate Pastor at Shallowford Presbyterian Church in Georgia when we attended there.  Catherine is a bright, vibrant person who can make you laugh one minute, and have you crying the next with a beautiful sermon.  For whatever reason, I developed a deep bond with Catherine, not sure if it went both ways, but I loved and respected her, she just was an incredibly special young lady.  And to hear her laugh, she had one of those laughs that made everyone else laugh with her.

Two very particular situations come to mind when I think about Catherine.  One, we had decided to move from Georgia to Ohio for my work, but I hadn’t told our children yet.  I was scared to tell them, God knows why, that’s just me, but I hadn’t told them, and our house was about to go on the market.  I told Catherine about it, and she just couldn’t comprehend why I was delaying it, particularly since our one daughter, Kelly, lived close by, and would no doubt see the For Sale sign.  A few days later, Catherine called me, and asked, “Have you told your children yet?”  My answer was no, and almost immediately, I heard this huge laugh, and her saying “What is wrong with you?”  And me saying back, “I don’t know.”

The second is much more meaningful.  I was struggling with a situation with my therapist, it is my deepest darkest secret, and even though my therapist said, it’s no big deal, I just couldn’t accept what I had done.  She suggested I talk to someone else, someone I’m not paying to talk to me, and see what they say.  I chose Catherine.  We went to lunch, and I opened up and told her what I had done.  I looked into her eyes, and I saw God staring back at me.  Her eyes said, and eventually her words, “Oh dear child, why do you punish yourself so much.”  I know many of you would think I’m crazy, and many of you would be right, but I looked into her eyes and saw God.  I will never forget that moment. 

By the way, I’ve decided that Catherine will deliver my eulogy someday.  She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m sure she’ll come around.

Jim Crane – I still have no idea what Jim Crane saw in me, I certainly didn’t see it, and I doubt anyone else did either.  But Jim saw something.  If it weren’t for Jim Crane, my career would have looked much different.  

I had “settled” into the role of a Controller at Barco after working for about 15 years.  I probably would have continued in that role for several years, maybe growing in my responsibilities, divisions I was responsible for, or maybe even moving on to bigger and better things, but most likely, in some financial role.

Jim saw something more.  He challenged me to expand my vision for myself.  He pushed me to consider stepping out, moving into an Operations Manager position, and eventually consider moving into a General Manager position.  I had no desire or plan to do any of this, and quite frankly, I really didn’t feel I had the talent or background to do it.  Jim continued to encourage (and also push) me to expand myself.

Was it easy?  I was nervous as Hell, and I’m sure I didn’t impress a whole lot of people at the outset.  But eventually, I worked hard, I learned, and I gravitated into these roles.  As noted, I have no idea what my career would have looked like otherwise, but I loved the career I had, and Jim Crane is one of the greatest reasons for that.

Rolf Gates – Several years ago, I think it was early in the Covid years (how we seem to measure everything these days), Laurel and I ramped up our morning reads.  She had always been really diligent; I probably slacked a bit.  I decided to re-read the Bible.  I started with the New Testament, since I like it so much more, but then moved to the Old Testament.  I started with the Prophets, which I enjoy, and then moved on to other books of the Old Testament.  While I know many believe the Bible is God-inspired, I find it hard to believe that God had much to do with many of the books of the Old Testament.  Quite frankly, I find much of it batshit crazy, and I just couldn’t read it anymore.

I was looking for a new morning read, and Laurel recommended Rolf Gates.  Mr. Gates is a renowned voice in yoga, he teaches many training courses throughout the country, and has a strong foundation in many aspects of spirituality and service.  I started with “Meditations on Intention and Being” and then I read “Meditations From the Mat”.  I was hooked.  This has taken me on a long journey that I’m still on.  Stephen Cope, Jack Kornfield, Michael Singer, Thich Nhat Hanh, Valarie Kaur, Simran Jeet Singh, Pema Chodron, the Bhagavad Gita, the Yamas and Niyamas, and so much more.  I’ve learned so much about meditation, yoga, breath work, spirituality, kindness, so many inspiring readings and helpful ideas on leading a better life.  

Last summer when we were at Kripalu taking a workshop, I saw Rolf Gates, he was leading a different workshop at the time. I was giddy with excitement.  I wanted to thank him for the huge change he made in my life, but he was always surrounded by people.  Someday, I’ll get the chance.  He started me down a path, that I hope I never leave, it’s been life changing.  One small snippet from Mr. Gates and his philosophy:

“Yoga is not a work out, it is a work in;

And this is the point of spiritual practice;

To make us teachable, to open up our hearts and focus our awareness 

So that we can know what we already know and be who we already are”

 

Laurel – By far, the best friend I’ve ever had.  She has made such a huge impact on my life in so many ways, I could never thank her enough.  While she has been an incredible wife, and been by my side through the good moments, and not so good moments, she has helped me make significant changes in my life.  I could never have done it without her influence and guidance along the way.

I love to spend time with her, go on adventures, wherever those may lead.  I love to just sit with her, be with her, doing nothing.  I love to talk to her about life, meditation, yoga, spirituality, anything and everything.  I love to go on walks with her, watching the birds, squirrels, rabbits, ducks, or whatever comes along.  I love the great talks we have on our walks, and I enjoy the solitude sometimes on our walks.  I can’t possibly imagine having a better friend, or being with someone I enjoy spending so much time with.  While I know how corny it sounds, quoting a line from Jerry Maguire, “she completes me”. In fact there are times I'm thinking about something, and she starts talking about it.  I couldn't imagine my life without her.

And What About You?

Quite frankly, this was a fun, but really hard, exercise.  Who would your 12 people be?  Who has had the most influence on your life?  What is your story of connection?

My Word for 2026: Pause

Editor's Note:  I wrote this at the beginning of 2026, but then I paused... Seriously, I've been working seven days a week on my classes, and I haven't had time to do much of anything else, but no regrets, I just love teaching.  So my word for 2026 is way late, and let's see how I've done so far!

Before I start, just a brief recap of the past five years and words to guide me:

2021 - Faith

2022 - Forgiveness

2023 - Gratitude

2024 - Kindness

2025 - Surrender

And of course, I'd like to thank my dear friend Dave Carr, who started me on this journey.

It's funny, I feel like I'm coming to this party a bit late, somehow I missed the message for the past nine years of my yoga life, but it became abundantly clear this year.  I've always had incredible yoga teachers from my beginnings in Georgia until now in Ohio, maybe I just didn't get the memo somewhere along the way?

Pause pushed front and center this year, and I finally got the message.  Several months back, I was reading Stephen Cope's book, "Yoga and the Quest for the True Self", and I came upon a chapter on Riding the Wave of Breath.  Laurel had already read this book years ago, and I was so excited when I finished the chapter to talk to her about it, and she said, "BRFWA", or I guess it sounded like "burfwa", very nonchalantly.  "Didn't Sheila teach you about that?"  Now Sheila is Sheila Ewers, one of the most amazing yoga teachers I know, and also one of the finest people I know, so I'm sure when I took my 200 hour training with her, she most likely did talk about Riding the Wave of Breath.  I was probably so full of anxiety trying to learn Sanskrit and anatomy that I missed it.

BRFWA is an acronym for Breathe, Relax, Feel, Watch Allow.  It all starts with the breath, finding deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the nose. Relax, soften your belly, soften your breath, feel the energy flow through your body.  Watch, without judgment.  And now, allow.  When we don’t try to control our energy experience, we’re free to surrender to the wave of sensation, of feeling, of energy.  We can let life be as it is, because we know, everything is already OK.  We can relinquish our resistance.  We can pause, and just let it be.

Last summer Laurel and I went to a workshop at Kripalu, titled “Return to Your True Nature: Pausing for Relaxation and Spaciousness”.  The workshop was led by Jillian Pransky, and we learned her technique for pausing, “LARLAR”.  I guess everyone has an acronym for this… The workshop focused on the steps to the pause, Land, Arrive, Relax, Listen, Attend, Respond.  OK, maybe not hugely different from BRFWA, but as I’ve indicated, I’m a slow learner, and this reinforcement convinced me Pause needed to get my full attention in 2026.

It’s not just these world-renowned yoga experts who have shown me the power of pause this year, I hear it at virtually every yoga class, when we talk about the breath.  What I love is how my teachers talk about the pause in between inhale and exhale, and really how powerful that can be, and what a metaphor it can be for anything we do.  Breathe in, pause, breathe out, pause.  I’ve incorporated it in my daily meditation practice, focusing on the pause in between the in-breath and the out-breath.  

But it’s not just breathing, that’s just the beginning.  Pausing can be an effective tool throughout our lives, and I plan to do my best to incorporate it in everything that I do.  Just a few examples:

·      When that rude driver cuts me off in traffic, do I slam on the horn, give them a two-fisted finger, yell at the top of my lungs, “fuck you asshole!” or do I breathe, pause, and reflect on the situation, and just let it go?  To be honest, still not there, but I am finding myself laughing more when someone is weaving in and out of traffic, trying to get wherever they are going a minute or two faster.

·      When Little Bit is right under my feet, and I either trip over her or accidently kick her, do I scream at her to get out from under my feet, or do I pause and recognize she’s only there because she loves me?  Sadly, my usual response is I get mad at her, and yell, and then I get mad at myself for getting mad at her, and beat myself up for it.  Yeah, that one’s working really well.  The good news is that I recognize this one isn’t going well, and I need to watch without judgment.

·      When I’m in front of my class, and in my mind, delivering Hamlet’s famous soliloquy, and my students are sitting at their desks, busy scrolling on their phones for the latest I have no idea what, do I get angry, frustrated, yell and scream, or do I pause and breathe, and keep on going, just in case maybe one of them is actually paying attention?  I keep on going because I have found, if nothing else, there is usually one of them listening and appreciating whatever I’m teaching.  This one, I think I’ve done well with, I’ve come to be able to just pause and let it be.

I wish I would have learned this and incorporated it in my life way sooner than now, but it’s never too late to change.  As noted, I’m still very much a work in progress, but I will continue to work on this in 2026 and far beyond.  As my students can attest to, those who are listening, I’ve become very passionate about Riding the Wave of Breath or LARLAR, or a rose by any other name. Just breathe.  Pause.  Relax.

 

A Modest Proposal

A tribute to the great work of Jonathan Swift

Several years ago, Bruce Springsteen and Tom Morello collaborated for an incredible version of Springsteen’s song, “The Ghost of Tom Joad”.  The song is great in and of itself, but the guitar solos, particularly by Tom Morello, make the live version something special.  

I was always intrigued by Morello’s guitar, he has the words, “Arm the Homeless” written or taped across the front of his guitar, I’ve seen this same message in many of his other videos.  I always assumed that this was a metaphorical comment, it was his way of saying, we need to give the homeless a means to live their lives rather than the hopelessness they face every day.

But then it occurred to me; this wasn’t metaphorical at all.  He meant this literally, and it makes so much sense now!  

Think about it.  We are struggling in this country with so many homeless people, and they are hanging out in the streets, begging for money or food, and quite frankly, it’s just not very appealing.  How are we supposed to feel good about ourselves, when you have all of these homeless people hanging around, begging, unbathed, smelly, really an eyesore for us all?  There’s been a call in this country to just put them in jail, but that exacerbates another problem (more on that later).

We should arm them all. Give them all guns, they can go back underneath the bridges where they sleep or the homeless shelters, and they can make more room for themselves. Eventually, the fittest, or probably the best shots, will be able to secure the best locations for sleeping, and the more frail ones will no longer be a problem for us.  The homeless population should drastically reduce, and we won’t have that eyesore anymore.

Now, the downside might be that they start heading toward the suburbs and taking out some of the local homeowners for an even better place to sleep, but that can even be turned into a positive.  No homeless people whatsoever, all of them will have a place to live, and there will be no more issues of homelessness on the streets.  And the bonus is that many of the homeowners that they take out are probably on Social Security or Medicare or both, which will alleviate the problem of funding for those programs.

Once we solve the homeless issue, we can take this model a step further – prisons.  This represents another area of overcrowding and an area where we continue to reluctantly spend to keep our streets safe and potentially rehabilitate those who have committed crimes.

Let’s face it, we keep pouring money into our prison systems with no real return on this investment. There are estimates of several billions of dollars being wasted annually on keeping our prisons operating, and really, for what purpose?  Do we really believe that these lives are worth much, and do we really believe that there is any hope of rehabilitation?  

I would propose a much cheaper solution.  We provide each prisoner a gun and a wealth of ammunition when they enter the prison.  I get it, there will be the up-front cost associated with this solution, but think of the long-term benefits.  It won’t be long before each prison is reduced to a very manageable number of inmates, similar to the homeless situation, the strongest, or best shots, will survive.  We won’t need prison guards anymore to ensure safety within the prisons, we will only need guards on the outside to ensure none of the prisoners get out.  And if we don’t feed them, the problem eventually goes away completely.

Once we’ve solved the homeless problem and the problem with overcrowded prisons, we can start solving some of the major issues that we face in our society.  We know that we will always have guns, it’s our God-given right in this country, so instead of discussing and debating gun control, we should take a completely different approach:

Arm Everyone!

The Second Amendment provides the right to bear arms, and we should ensure that everyone in this country embraces this and adopts this to make our country a much safer, and better, place to live.  Since statistics show that the vast majority of mass shootings are perpetrated by white males, we need to look to other demographics where we can provide better coverage and put guns in the hands of those who are underserved.  We should start with women, next we should arm children in schools, and then move on to immigrants and blacks to ensure everyone has their God-given right to bear arms.  

In regard to the order, that is something we can discuss or debate, but there seems to be.a growing trend among younger men, particularly on college campuses, who say, “Your body, my choice” to let women know who is really in charge.  Also, we’ve heard recent stories of creepy old men taking advantage of young girls, preying on the defenseless.  If we arm the women, these men may not be so brave, and they may think twice when the young girl or lady counters their brazen approach with “Your private parts, my Smith & Wesson”. The side benefit to this of course is that there will be much less debate on abortion issues related to unwanted pregnancies.

In regard to children, let’s face it, the majority of mass shootings occur in schools.  We’ve seen so many tragic stories of shooters marching through a school building, going from classroom to classroom, mowing down young children.  What if each of those children was armed, and as soon as some stranger enters the room, they open fire?  To be honest, I really don’t think any of these shooters would ever chance it, this problem would be solved very quickly.  And again, we have a side benefit.  Think of that loveable movie, “A Christmas Story”, and the three friends, Ralphie, Flick and Schwartz, always tormented by Scott Farkus and his toadie, Grover Dill.  I think the bullies would be less inclined to abuse Ralphie and the gang if they knew they were packing heat.  Bullying would drop dramatically in the school system if everyone was carrying.

Once we’ve solved the most pressing issues in our country, we can expand this to all aspects of society.  Churches, the workplace (particularly Post Offices), on the highways.  Aggressiveness or nastiness in all of these venues will become less prevalent if people know that their fellow parishioners, co-workers or drivers are loaded and ready for someone to step out of line.  I believe that our entire society will become much more civil if people knew one misstep could lead to a bullet to the brain.  

Frankly, we’ve approached this issue all wrong for so many years.  We fight and argue about the need for gun control, particularly when the latest mass shooting occurs.  With so much money tied up in firearms, we will never come to any type of resolution that will curtail it, so I believe the best approach is to just embrace it and open it up for everyone.  We can solve the homeless problem, we can virtually eliminate prisons, and we can fix some of the most problematic issues in our country.  And when it comes to that lightning rod that gets everyone worked up about guns, mass shootings, instead of hoping for a “Good guy with a gun” to prevent them, we can have “Everyone with a gun” to dissuade anyone from attempting one.  And if someone is dumb enough to try, in the immortal words of John McClane in “Die Hard”: