Absence of Hope

A few years ago, Laurel and some of the other ladies from church took on the challenge of helping a young, single mother (let’s call her Betty) try to get her life in order.  To make a very long and difficult story short, it really didn’t work out very well.  While Laurel and the other ladies tried their best to help build a home for Betty and her children, the concept of “home” just  became way too elusive and never came to fruition.

Betty had so many strikes against her, so many issues, it became an insurmountable challenge to “change her life”.  Betty had led a very difficult life from the beginning.  Her mother had killed her father, and was in jail.  Betty had unfortunately been involved in a robbery as the getaway driver, and had spent some time in prison.  She had four different children from four different fathers, and none of them was around.  She was trying though, she was trying to get her life together.  She was working at a Burger King and taking three different buses to get to work each day.  She lived in low income housing and tried to make a life for her children.  With so many strikes against her, with so many obstacles, without regular and reliable transportation or childcare, it just wasn’t working out, and eventually, the group of ladies from the church, including Laurel, finally gave up.  It was just too much for them.

I really don’t want to focus on this portion of the story though, I want to focus on the children.  Over the past year or two, we’ve seen a great deal of tragedy in our country, whether it’s been in Baltimore, New York, or Ferguson, we’ve seen tragedy, we’ve seen young people getting killed, we’ve seen rioting, we’ve seen looting, burning, unconscionable behavior by many people.  It’s exploded in the news and it’s exploded in social media, and you see very polarizing comments or opinions from all sides.  I’ve hesitated for a long time to weigh in, simply because it’s been so polarizing, and no one seems to be able to look at these situations rationally, but I did want to weigh in eventually. 

Now, having said that, I don’t want to weigh in on whether we have an issue with rogue police officers or whether the rioters were justified or right in what they did, or so many of the issues that have been raised during these crises.  What I want to weigh in on is the issue of hope, or lack thereof, that to me is the central theme of all of this.  Whether we like it or not in “upper middle class America”, we have given so many of these people, so many of these children, absolutely no hope for a future.  You can say what you will on so many of the issues or arguments surrounding these crises, but the point that burns my ass more than any is when people make the comment, “they have as much of an opportunity as I do to succeed in life”.  Really?  Can we truly say that when we look at the demographics, when we look at what so many of these young people face in the inner city, whether it’s Baltimore, Atlanta, New York, wherever it is?  They have just as much opportunity as we have?

So, let’s go back to Betty’s children.  But first, let’s take a glimpse into the upbringing of my own children, and let’s focus on my two sons, Patrick and Sean.  Patrick and Sean went to private Christian schools.  Patrick and Sean had the opportunity to play sports as children, soccer and baseball.  They had video games, they had a pet, they had bicycles, generally they led very normal upper middle class lives.  They both went to private universities.

Betty’s children?  They moved 4-6 times per year.  They moved from school to school depending on where Betty could find low income housing.  They only experienced toys or games to play with when they received them from donations or churches.  They didn’t know their father.  They knew various “uncles”.  They never played, and most likely never will, organized sports because your parent needs to get you there after school.  They never have had, and most likely never will, a pet, a bicycle, video games, or anything that my sons have had.

I’m sorry, but I struggle with how Betty’s children have any hope of making something out of their lives compared to Patrick and Sean.  Just like many parents, Laurel and I have done our best to give Patrick and Sean every opportunity to succeed in life.  We’ve done what many have expressed – we want our children to have a better life than we did.  I’m not saying Betty hasn’t, but Betty’s main concern all of her life has been survival.  She’s been focused on making it through another day, and getting her children through another day.  While I would never blame Betty for where she is in her life and the impact on her children, what hope do her children possibly have for a better future?

As I sit here and write this, I think of those dear, sweet children starting out their lives.  So many of them full of life, full of hope.  I don’t have any grandchildren yet, but I think of some of those beautiful young babies that I see some of my relatives and friends posting on Facebook.  Laurel’s niece, Heather, has four wonderful young boys, the youngest of which is Nicholas.  I guess since he’s the baby, he gets most of the pictures these days (someday the other boys will complain to you, I’m sure Heather!).  I think of him, that sweet face, that smile, and I imagine, what if…. What if he were an African-American baby born in Baltimore, or Atlanta, or Ferguson?  What hope would Nicholas have?  I imagine my lovely niece Heather saying a prayer, talking to Nicholas when she put him to bed at night, holding that sweet face in her hands and I imagine something like this:

“Nicholas, I love you so much.  I wish I could give you a better life, but I’m so sorry, your life will probably be so full of pain.  We will be moving soon, you still won’t have your own bedroom, you’ll have to share it with Noah, Colin and Evan.  We won’t be able to take any of your toys with us, we can’t fit them.

I wish your father would come to see you, but I have no idea where he is, it’s been a few years since I’ve seen him, he’s probably in jail.    I know you’d love to play baseball, you would be so good!  We just don’t have the time to do that.  Someday, maybe I can get you a bicycle if the nice people at the churches in the suburbs pick us as a family they want to take care of to feel good about themselves.

I hope you can eventually finish high school, it may be hard depending on where we have to move to.  You will have to deal with gangs, I hope you can stay out of a gang, but that may be hard, it’s so hard to avoid the gangs in this neighborhood.  You either have to be in one or terrorized by one, it’s not an easy choice.

If you make it through high school, I hope you can get a job at one of the stores or factories in the area.  You will have to work close to home, on the bus line because you will most likely never be able to afford a car. 

You will most likely lose at least one of your brothers, they will either get killed, or they will end up in jail.  I hope and pray you can avoid both of these.  If you are really lucky, you will live a long life, you will stay out of jail, and you will be able to work at a nice job that will pay you minimum wage or a little more throughout your life.  You will never be able to adequately support your family, if you ever have one, but it will be better than the life I was able to give you.

I wish I could give you more than this, I wish I could give you hope in life, but all I can give you is my love.  You are so precious, you deserve so much more, but I can’t give you anymore.  You have no hope for a better future.”