I recently finished a book by one of my favorite authors, Stephen Cope, titled "Deep Human Connection: Why We Need It More Than Anything Else". Mr. Cope asks a simple question - if you dared to write the history of your own life thus far, what would be your story of connection? He further challenges us to identify 12 people who you have been most deeply connected to in your lifetime. From his perspective, these relationships are a significant part of what has shaped us to who we are today.
He gives us a broad perspective on this, it could be someone famous who you never met, but who had a great influence on you. It could be someone you didn't know for very long, but in that short period of time, they had a great impact on your life. Or it could be a close friend you had at one point in your life, with whom you spent many meaningful moments together. He gives us some categories to consider when we do this, which are as follows:
- The Container - they have elicited in you the feeling of being safely held and soothed.
- The Twin - they have inspired in you a deep feeling of belonging.
- The Noble Adversary - they have challenged you, opposed you, confronted you, and frustrated you.
- The Mirror - they have seen something special in you and have reflected you back to yourself in important ways.
- The Conscious Partner - they have been irreplaceable companions as you've worked your way up the path toward an understanding of the meaning of your life.
Deep Connectors in My Life
A couple of caveats before I start down the path of the people who have shaped my life the most or I've had the deepest connection with. Not sure about you, but coming up with 12 wasn't easy, and I also wanted to leave it open to continue to think about it. So I left the list at six to give myself some time to dig deeper, but also to leave it open to so many people who have shaped my life. Also, I excluded any of the members of my former Small Group, because it wouldn't be fair or appropriate to single out any one of them, and quite frankly I couldn't. I also excluded any of the incredible yoga teachers I've had in my life, there have been so many who have had a huge impact on me, I couldn't ever single one of them out.
With those rules in place, in in no strict order or identification for where they fit above, here are my six. For now.
Dale Thomas - Similar to Doc Holliday, I really haven't had many friends in my life. Dale was one of them, and my best friend for many years through high school and college.
My family moved from the suburbs of Pittsburgh to Slippery Rock, going from neighborhoods where I could walk or bike anywhere to the middle of corn fields and cow pastures. I was incredibly unhappy. Plus, I was the new kid from the "city" coming to a farming community. Let's just say I wasn't immediately liked.
Dale was the All-American boy, he played three sports, he was tall, handsome, he never swore, girls loved him, he had it all. He was all of the things I wasn't. And for some reason, he befriended me and essentially took me under his wing. I still have no idea how that all happened, but it did.
We remained friends throughout high school and into college. We eventually served as each other's best man in our weddings. As time went on, we moved to different cities, started careers, raised families, and we separated further and further away as often happens in life.
I can't imagine what my high school years would have been like without Dale. We spent so much time together, and we had our share of adventures, some not the best kind, but we survived. I'm so thankful that for whatever reason Dale befriended me, it made such a huge difference in my life.
Craig Scanlon - Similar, but different to the story about Dale, Craig befriending me made an incredible difference in my life. When I got out of graduate school, Laurel and I moved from her parents' house in Pittsburgh to Dayton, Ohio, where I was starting my first "real" job. I had been an English major, wanted to write for newspapers, which didn't work out, so I went to graduate school, got my MBA, and went to work for a public accounting firm. As I often say, I fulfilled every child's dream....
It's bad enough to be starting your first real job, but new city, freshly married, new apartment, and really not sure if this was what I wanted to do with my life. I mean the job. I started out at Touche Ross, and as most people can attest to when they start in public accounting, I thought, they've figured it out, I don't belong here. I was completely lost, and didn't really know if I could cut it or not.
When on a client site, you would have various people working on the engagement, and we were all led by the senior on the engagement. Seniors usually had 4-5 years experience, and they could be a bit intimidating. Luckily on a couple of my first assignments, Craig was the semi-senior, he had about 2-3 years experience. What was great about Craig was he was so understanding, he always seemed completely calm, and he really coached and taught well. I never felt intimidated by Craig, he was always willing to help and provide guidance when I was scared to death. He really helped me survive my first year or so at Touche Ross.
It went beyond that though. Craig invited Laurel and me out to dinner with his wife Sandy, and eventually he would have us over to his house, we would get people together for touch football or tennis, he really went out of his way to make me, and Laurel, feel comfortable in our new home. Similar to the story about Dale, I'm not sure my early career would have been nearly as pleasant if it wouldn't have been for Craig.
Catherine Foster – Catherine was the Associate Pastor at Shallowford Presbyterian Church in Georgia when we attended there. Catherine is a bright, vibrant person who can make you laugh one minute, and have you crying the next with a beautiful sermon. For whatever reason, I developed a deep bond with Catherine, not sure if it went both ways, but I loved and respected her, she just was an incredibly special young lady. And to hear her laugh, she had one of those laughs that made everyone else laugh with her.
Two very particular situations come to mind when I think about Catherine. One, we had decided to move from Georgia to Ohio for my work, but I hadn’t told our children yet. I was scared to tell them, God knows why, that’s just me, but I hadn’t told them, and our house was about to go on the market. I told Catherine about it, and she just couldn’t comprehend why I was delaying it, particularly since our one daughter, Kelly, lived close by, and would no doubt see the For Sale sign. A few days later, Catherine called me, and asked, “Have you told your children yet?” My answer was no, and almost immediately, I heard this huge laugh, and her saying “What is wrong with you?” And me saying back, “I don’t know.”
The second is much more meaningful. I was struggling with a situation with my therapist, it is my deepest darkest secret, and even though my therapist said, it’s no big deal, I just couldn’t accept what I had done. She suggested I talk to someone else, someone I’m not paying to talk to me, and see what they say. I chose Catherine. We went to lunch, and I opened up and told her what I had done. I looked into her eyes, and I saw God staring back at me. Her eyes said, and eventually her words, “Oh dear child, why do you punish yourself so much.” I know many of you would think I’m crazy, and many of you would be right, but I looked into her eyes and saw God. I will never forget that moment.
By the way, I’ve decided that Catherine will deliver my eulogy someday. She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m sure she’ll come around.
Jim Crane – I still have no idea what Jim Crane saw in me, I certainly didn’t see it, and I doubt anyone else did either. But Jim saw something. If it weren’t for Jim Crane, my career would have looked much different.
I had “settled” into the role of a Controller at Barco after working for about 15 years. I probably would have continued in that role for several years, maybe growing in my responsibilities, divisions I was responsible for, or maybe even moving on to bigger and better things, but most likely, in some financial role.
Jim saw something more. He challenged me to expand my vision for myself. He pushed me to consider stepping out, moving into an Operations Manager position, and eventually consider moving into a General Manager position. I had no desire or plan to do any of this, and quite frankly, I really didn’t feel I had the talent or background to do it. Jim continued to encourage (and also push) me to expand myself.
Was it easy? I was nervous as Hell, and I’m sure I didn’t impress a whole lot of people at the outset. But eventually, I worked hard, I learned, and I gravitated into these roles. As noted, I have no idea what my career would have looked like otherwise, but I loved the career I had, and Jim Crane is one of the greatest reasons for that.
Rolf Gates – Several years ago, I think it was early in the Covid years (how we seem to measure everything these days), Laurel and I ramped up our morning reads. She had always been really diligent; I probably slacked a bit. I decided to re-read the Bible. I started with the New Testament, since I like it so much more, but then moved to the Old Testament. I started with the Prophets, which I enjoy, and then moved on to other books of the Old Testament. While I know many believe the Bible is God-inspired, I find it hard to believe that God had much to do with many of the books of the Old Testament. Quite frankly, I find much of it batshit crazy, and I just couldn’t read it anymore.
I was looking for a new morning read, and Laurel recommended Rolf Gates. Mr. Gates is a renowned voice in yoga, he teaches many training courses throughout the country, and has a strong foundation in many aspects of spirituality and service. I started with “Meditations on Intention and Being” and then I read “Meditations From the Mat”. I was hooked. This has taken me on a long journey that I’m still on. Stephen Cope, Jack Kornfield, Michael Singer, Thich Nhat Hanh, Valarie Kaur, Simran Jeet Singh, Pema Chodron, the Bhagavad Gita, the Yamas and Niyamas, and so much more. I’ve learned so much about meditation, yoga, breath work, spirituality, kindness, so many inspiring readings and helpful ideas on leading a better life.
Last summer when we were at Kripalu taking a workshop, I saw Rolf Gates, he was leading a different workshop at the time. I was giddy with excitement. I wanted to thank him for the huge change he made in my life, but he was always surrounded by people. Someday, I’ll get the chance. He started me down a path, that I hope I never leave, it’s been life changing. One small snippet from Mr. Gates and his philosophy:
“Yoga is not a work out, it is a work in;
And this is the point of spiritual practice;
To make us teachable, to open up our hearts and focus our awareness
So that we can know what we already know and be who we already are”
Laurel – By far, the best friend I’ve ever had. She has made such a huge impact on my life in so many ways, I could never thank her enough. While she has been an incredible wife, and been by my side through the good moments, and not so good moments, she has helped me make significant changes in my life. I could never have done it without her influence and guidance along the way.
I love to spend time with her, go on adventures, wherever those may lead. I love to just sit with her, be with her, doing nothing. I love to talk to her about life, meditation, yoga, spirituality, anything and everything. I love to go on walks with her, watching the birds, squirrels, rabbits, ducks, or whatever comes along. I love the great talks we have on our walks, and I enjoy the solitude sometimes on our walks. I can’t possibly imagine having a better friend, or being with someone I enjoy spending so much time with. While I know how corny it sounds, quoting a line from Jerry Maguire, “she completes me”. In fact there are times I'm thinking about something, and she starts talking about it. I couldn't imagine my life without her.
And What About You?
Quite frankly, this was a fun, but really hard, exercise. Who would your 12 people be? Who has had the most influence on your life? What is your story of connection?
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