For the Students

Editor's Note:  I was honored to be asked to speak at the induction ceremony for Sigma Beta Delta at Georgia Gwinnett College.  Sigma Beta Delta is an Honor Society for top students, which I definitely would not have been a part of in my college years.  Several of them are my former students, and I really enjoyed this opportunity.  There is nothing earth-shattering in what I said, but I hope that some of the students came away with something to help them as they begin their careers.

I’d like to thank Sigma Beta Delta, the faculty and administration of Georgia Gwinnett College, the students, parents and family and friends for this opportunity to say a few words.  First, let me introduce myself.

I’m Steve McCullough.  I’m a devoted follower of Jesus Christ and am thankful every day for the beauty of Grace.  I’ve been married to my wife Laurel for over 35 years, and she’s the best friend I’ve ever had.  I have four children, Megan, Kelly, Patrick and Sean, and I try my best to be a caring and loving father.  I am currently the Chief Financial Officer for WIKA Americas, and I am responsible for North and South America.  WIKA is a German-based company and is a global market leader in pressure, temperature, level, flow and force measurement technology.  I currently serve on the Board of Trustees of United Theological Seminary in Dayton, Ohio and as an Elder at Shallowford Presbyterian Church.  And for seven years, I was an Adjunct Accounting Professor at Georgia Gwinnett College until last spring.  Previously, I’ve worked at Barco, a Belgian company, which was in large screen visualization, and at Deloitte, or when I worked there, Deloitte & Touche, an international public accounting firm.  I have an MBA and I’m a Certified Public Accountant.

As I prepared for tonight, I thought long and hard about what I would say to you.  I’ve been blessed to hear some great speeches at various graduations and other ceremonies from some very impressive people.  Some went a bit too long, and some were just right.  Based on that experience, I plan to err on the side of either just right or too short, because it can get ugly when you go too long. 

I thought about what do students want to hear when they are either graduating or getting close to graduation?  So I did my best to think back over my 30+ year career, and keep in mind, I’m old, so it’s been a long time since I’ve been in your seats.  I have 10 points to share, so here goes.

• Who are you? - Within my introduction lies my first point to you.  Always remember what are the most important parts of your life.  As we go into the work environment or the business world, we oftentimes let that define us.  You meet people or you see old friends, and the question comes up, “what do you do?”  The normal or immediate reaction is, “I’m the CFO at WIKA”.  Well, no, most importantly, I’m devoted to Jesus Christ, I’m married to Laurel, and I’m Megan, Kelly, Patrick and Sean’s Dad, and … Don’t get me wrong, my job is very important, but that’s by far not the most important thing in my life, but we’ll get to that in a few moments.  And pay attention about the adjunct professor part, we’ll get to that in a few moments too.

• You know more than you think you know – I remember way back when I started my career.  I was in public accounting, going out on my first audit assignment.  I started thinking, I have no idea what I’m doing.  They’re going to figure out I don’t belong here.  After a few weeks or a few months, I started settling in and realizing I knew more than I gave myself credit for.  Well guess what?  I’ve had those moments throughout my career.  You will find yourself in situations as you go along where you start wondering, what am I doing here, I don’t belong.  Take a deep breath, think back to your education and experience, and work your way through.  You can do hard things.

• Do what you love – I’ve told my children to pursue those areas that they love, or think they’d love to work in.  You spend a long time working, if you can do what you have a passion for, you will be much better off.  Having said that, there may be limitations on this.  For example, my sons Patrick and Sean would both like to teach at the college level.  Those jobs are becoming more and more scarce.  They are also not huge fans of the corporate world.  They may have a difficult road to hoe if they want to follow their passion.  I still encourage them though to follow that path to the best of their ability.

• And if you can’t be with the one you love – I know it may sound crazy to you, but I didn’t grow up dreaming of being a CFO.  Actually, I wanted to be a baseball player, but that didn’t work out, so I tried becoming a journalist.  When I was graduating from college, if every journalist in the country died at that time, there would be someone coming out of college to replace them.  The market was that saturated.  So I went to graduate school, got my MBA, my CPA, and went into public accounting.  That didn’t mean that I gave up my desire to write, or also, another desire, to teach.  Throughout my career, I’ve taken the opportunity to use my writing skills at work, and also have taught many training courses in the various roles I’ve had.  And eventually, I was able to teach here.  Just because you didn’t get a job in the area or discipline you love the most doesn’t mean you can’t utilize those skills in the job you do have.

• You have to be able to look in the mirror each day – Don’t ever sacrifice your ethics.  You will get many opportunities to do this over your career, but you have to be able to look at yourself each day.  I worked once for a gentleman, who was incredibly successful.  But oftentimes he didn’t pay his subcontractors or vendors, and he lied to his employees continually.  He was worth millions of dollars, but what was the price?  You have to be able to live with your actions, and no amount of money is worth your good name.  Now, it may not always be easy to determine what crosses the line of good ethics.  I used to play a game in class called, “Fifty Shades of Fraud”.  It would be interesting what students thought crossed the line or not.  A great rule of thumb I’ve used is, “how would you feel if your Mom found out what you did?”  If you’d be embarrassed, then you probably shouldn’t do it.

• No one is a peon – When I was General Manager at Barco Simulation, our receptionist came to me the one time, and she made the comment, “well I’m just a peon”.  It takes a lot to make me angry, but this made me angry.  I called her into my office, and we had a little talk.  My Dad quit school when he was 16 and drove a truck.  He eventually got his GED, and he eventually became a manager of a truck terminal.  One of the greatest lessons he ever taught me was that you never disrespect anyone for the job they do.  Every job is important, every person is important.  As I told our receptionist, she is the first voice, the first face people see when they call us or come in the door.  She is vitally important to our company, as is everyone else.

• Work hard…while you’re at work – A few years ago, we had two interns at WIKA, one was one of my former students, Corey Christopher, and the other was from a much more prestigious school locally.  My staff fell in love with Corey, and not so much with the other gentleman.  The reason?  Corey would do all of his work, and when he was done, he would ask what else anyone needed him to do.  No job was beneath him.  The other gentleman?  Not so much.  At the end of the internship, we brought Corey back to work for us for a few semesters until he left GGC.  My staff loved him, we wrote him reference letters, it was a great experience for Corey and for us.  And it was fairly simple, Corey worked hard, and he always volunteered to do whatever was needed.  That’s how you get noticed. 

• Choose Your Attitude – We spend a lot of time at work.  You can choose to be miserable, and make the people around you miserable, or you can choose to make the best of your day together.  You need to celebrate your successes, and celebrate your colleagues’ successes.  Years ago, I read something that has stuck with me for many years.  It says:

     “As you enter this place of work, please choose to make today a great day. Your colleagues, customers, team members, and you yourself will be thankful. Find ways to play. We can be serious about our work without being serious about ourselves. Stay focused in order to be present when your customers and team members most need you. And should you feel your energy lapsing, try this surefire remedy. Find someone who needs a helping hand, a word of support, or a good ear – and make their day.”

•  But, when you’re not at work, be completely present at home (or do as I say not as I did) – For several years, when I worked at Barco, I gave up my role as a father.  When I was General Manager at Barco Simulation, I traveled constantly to the point of missing every birthday and my anniversary for at least one year.  I missed school events, I missed soccer games, I was one of those stereotypical bad Disney Dads.  I used to say, I bleed Barco red.  My whole existence revolved around my career, I defined myself by my job at Barco.  I can assure you based on my 30+ years of experience, I’m not the type of employee that I would want working for me, and most people don’t want someone like me, or at least who I was.  The best employees are the ones who have balance in their lives.  You need to have a personal life, you need to spend quality time with family, with friends, volunteering, whatever it is to achieve balance in your life.  As noted, work hard while you’re at work, but when you’re not, put work behind you, and spend quality time with the ones you love.  It will make you a better person to be around, and your colleagues will appreciate that.

• You’re never too old to change – After leaving teaching here, I needed something to fill that void.  Now it wasn’t like I was bored, I still had a full time job, but I wanted more to do.  So I started taking yoga with Laurel.  After 57 years of never stretching, this was a huge step for me, but Laurel really wanted me to try it.  I’m now going to yoga probably 2-4 times a week.  Why didn’t I ever stretch?  Because it hurts like hell, my hamstrings are awful, my quads are awful, and most likely they always will be, and it still hurts like hell, but at least I’m giving it my best every time I go.  It has made a huge difference in my life.

But the bigger change and difference came in my life about 10 years ago.  After 20+ years of putting my work and my career ahead of my family, I changed about 10 years ago.  I finally realized what the most important things in life are.  While my career is still important to me, it pales in comparison to the most important parts of my life.  Just like those old sayings go, I can’t get that time back, I can’t change the past.  But I can change the present, and I can make my future better.  I would hope that maybe you could learn from an old guy, and not find this out the hard way. 

One last thing and then I’m done.

Getting back to that adjunct professor thing – I taught here for seven years.  It was probably the best time I’ve had in my career.  While it was difficult, I had a full time job, I was teaching at night, I was preparing all weekend, I’d be watching Dr. Weisel’s videos, and Laurel would say, “oh good, another accounting video to watch”, but I loved teaching, and I loved the classroom.  I had great help from the faculty here, the people I worked with have amazing dedication and passion for what they do.  Most of all, I loved the students.  I decided to teach here to “give back”, to try to be an educator and mentor to students, but it was amazing all that I learned and gained from the students.  I was blessed with some great people I encountered and got to know, and I learned a great deal more than what I taught them.  Even though I haven’t taught her for about a year, I still always tell people I taught at Georgia Gwinnett College because of my excitement and enthusiasm for this place.  It’s left a permanent mark on my heart.

As you’re getting ready to leave here, whether it’s this year or in a year or two, be confident in what you have to offer.  You have been prepared by some great faculty, and you can do great things. Pursue what you are passionate about.  Work hard, but also enjoy your life.  Have fun.  Respect your colleagues, treat them well, and respect yourself, and don’t do anything you’d regret.  In closing, I’d like to share with you one of my favorite quotes:

When he retired from the Supreme Court, Justice Thurgood Marshall was asked of what accomplishment he was most proud.  He answered simply, "That I did the best I could with what I had."

I hope to be able to say that one day, and I hope that you can too.  Thank you.

My Mom is Going to Kill Me!

“He has told you , O mortal, what is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

But to do justice, and to love kindness,

And to walk humbly with your God” Micah 6:8

“Now if you are unwilling to serve the Lord,

Choose this day whom you will serve,…

But as for me and my house,

We will serve the Lord” Joshua 24:15

About 12 years ago when we moved to Georgia, we left Megan and Kelly behind in Dayton.  Both were in college at the time, and we didn’t want to disrupt that, so Laurel, Sean, Patrick and me moved to Georgia, and we got an apartment for Megan and Kelly in Dayton. 

The next summer, the girls moved to Georgia, and the first Saturday they were here, Kelly and the boys were headed up to the pool.  They went out the door and about a minute later, Kelly was back in the house.  She said, “I figured the boys would tell you before too long, so I better tell you now”.  In those few brief seconds, probably a hundred different horrible possibilities flew through my head at least, but then Kelly lifted her shirt to show a tattoo she had gotten.  You wouldn’t imagine the huge relief I had, it paled compared to all of the things I imagined.

Twelve years later, after a trip to Asheville to visit Dave Carr, a bond of getting a tattoo together with a dear friend, and the unfortunate timing of visiting my Mom the next weekend, and I’m sitting here thinking, my Mom is going to kill me.  What to do?  How can I explain this?  Who can I blame….

I’ll blame Dave Carr! – Dave has always been that “sandpaper on my soul”.  A group of us formed our small group at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Dayton back in the late 90’s, and we’ve largely been together ever since.  With any group, we’re an eclectic mix, some conservative, some liberal, both theologically and politically, I tend to lean conservative on many issues, both politically and theologically, Dave tends to lean the other way.  Over time, largely due to my small group, my leaning has softened, I’m still a conservative in many respects, but I’m much more willing to listen to the liberal viewpoint. 

As I noted, Dave has always been the “sandpaper on my soul”.  We have always said in the small group, “when I grow up, I want to be like Dave Carr”.  Dave reads, he listens, he studies, he meditates, he thinks.  He has always challenged me, and I can’t always say I’ve enjoyed those challenges.  But I can unequivocally say, I’m a better person because of those challenges.  Dave, and all of my small group members, has made me a much better person.

But it’s more than that.  There have been times where I’ve faced struggles, and I’d be driving to work in the morning, and my phone would be ringing.  I’d look down, and see it was Dave on the line.  Now, I don’t know about everyone, but I know when I am wallowing in self-pity, I like to stay there.  But, I’d answer the phone, and Dave wouldn’t allow that.  He would check in, see how I was doing, and ensure I was pointed forward rather than backward. 

Two years ago, Dave and I tried to convince the entire small group to get tattoos together, and that was met with a resounding thud.  No takers.  When I told Dave I wanted to get one, and I told him what I wanted to get, he said, “Let’s get it together.”  So, it’s Dave’s fault. 

But no, Mom would never buy into blaming one of my small group, she knows what they all mean to me, she knows what good men they are, that won’t work, so maybe ….

I’ll blame Chris Henry! – It was Chris who said, “If you want to choose a Scripture to take literally, to make the center of your Christian discipleship, to shout on the streets, write on a sign, tape on the wall or tattoo on your arm, this is the one.”  Last year, when I was first contemplating getting a tattoo, and Laurel and I were “negotiating” it, we were sitting in church, and Chris spoke that line.  I turned to Laurel, and gave her that look, “See!  Chris said I should get a tattoo!”  I was sold then. 

Mom would believe it, she has heard me sing Chris’ praises.  She knows if Chris said to do it, I’d do it.  Recently, we were invited to a fundraising lunch for Columbia Theological Seminary.  A young lady called Laurel asking if we’d attend, and when Laurel asked me, I said no.  Then I got an e-mail from Chris asking if we’d come, and I told Laurel we were going.  She got mad at me, and said that was the same event she had asked me about.  She said she told the young lady from Columbia, you should have just had Chris invite Steve, that way you’d know he would come.

And that is the power and the draw of Chris Henry.  As I’ve been preparing for this weekend, I’ve re-read his sermon with the “tattoo” line in it several times.  It was last April, “Take This One Literally: The Art of Neighboring”.  As I’ve re-read it, I started thinking, this may have been his best sermon.  But then again, most of the time, when I read his sermons, I think, this may have been his best sermon.  The dilemma I faced was that the sermon was referencing two passages from the Bible, and the key one for me at least was Matthew 22:36-40.  It wasn’t in my plans, but it’s so incredible.  Love God, love your neighbor.  The crux of being a Christian.  But I digress, I’ll get there in a minute.

No, I can’t blame Chris.  Wow, I can’t imagine how that conversation would go.  So maybe ….

I’ll blame Laurel! – I wasn’t completely sold on this tattoo idea until I started going to yoga with Laurel.  She has been begging me to go to yoga for years, and I finally succumbed last summer.  It has been one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.  So many of these people that teach yoga and go to yoga classes have tattoos.  And so many of them are such incredibly nice people.  They have such an inner peace, they embrace the concepts of yoga, they live the practice.  I’ve gotten to the point that I look forward to seeing some of the people we practice yoga with as much as the practice itself.  There must be some correlation here, not sure what it is, but how could I go wrong? 

So, it must be Laurel’s fault.  But no, I really can’t blame Laurel.  Yoga has been one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life, and Mom loves Laurel for the beautiful child of God she is.  No, that won’t work.  Maybe ….

I’ll blame God! – Ah, too many people have tried that, and really, I can’t go there.  Well, …

I’ll blame me – Yes, it’s time to face my Mom and say, blame me.  Blame me because I need a constant reminder of what the Lord requires of me and who I am to serve.  It’s not enough that I look at those passages every single time I open the Bible, I need to tattoo them on my arms to remind me constantly what I’m supposed to do.  If I could carve them into my heart, I would do that too. 

It was easy to decide on Micah 6:8, that has been my “go to” scripture for as long as I can remember.  I think many of us from Westminster lived that one, our youth choirs often sang this, and so many of us grew up with children in the youth choirs, I guess it just became emblazoned in our souls.  I’ve always loved this scripture, but I need a constant reminder of it, and how to live it.  When I told Dave that was what I wanted to get as a tattoo, he was all in.

Joshua 24:15 seemed to have its own spiritual force, and to be honest, I can’t explain it.  Kelly got us a picture that we hung in our kitchen, which was this verse, so I get to see it, and embrace it every morning.  Then, I was asked to join the Stewardship Committee this year at Shallowford, and the theme was Joshua 24:15, and I have to admit, I got goosebumps.  It seemed to have a life of its own.

Which brought me to my dilemma.  How could I ignore the pull of Matthew 22:36-40?  That was the one of course that Chris said, “tattoo it on your arm”.  Yes, quite a struggle for me.  I was set on Micah 6:8, but should I abandon Joshua 24:15?  In the end, I stuck with “my house will serve the Lord”, which to me also means I will love God and love my neighbor.  But I have also thought, what other appendage could use a tattoo?  But again, I digress.

One last thing and then I’m done.  A dear friend Jeff Poynter shared his daughter Riley’s blog about her internship with Engineering Ministries International.  He commented, “It may rival your writing ability!”  Quite frankly, no, it far surpasses it.  As I have often found in life, we can really learn a lot from the younger generations, they have so much to offer if we’d just listen.  She has some beautiful words about her internship, but a few points I loved from the very beginning.  She talks about “wasteful adoration” and “thanksgiving”.  And yes, my tattoos are wasteful adoration.  God knows what is in my heart, I don’t need to tattoo it on my arm.  But my thankfulness for all He has given me makes me want to shout it on the streets, write it on a sign, tape it on a wall, and yes, tattoo it on my arm.  Blame me. 

“If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I”

Recruitment Video for Riley Run Benefiting the Amanda Riley Foundation

My Thoughts and Prayers Are With You .....

“ What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.” James 2:14-17

I guess it hit me when the shooting happened at a church in Texas back in November last year. I remember when the news feeds erupted, TV, internet, everywhere, with the story of over 20 dead at a church. While people worshipped, a gunman mercilessly murdered them. What I remember most at that time though was my reaction. Nothing, really. My immediate response was, “Oh, another mass shooting.” That was about it, nothing else, just another day in the life.

It wasn’t until later that day when the story unfolded, and I got to see the faces, see the carnage, that I cried. Part of it was tears for all of those helpless victims who had no business losing their lives so soon, so senselessly, while they worshipped. Part of it was tears of anger and rage at myself for what I’ve become. I lost my ability to care. Maybe just temporarily, but that was enough of a wake-up call for me. For that brief period of time, I just didn’t care, I had become so numb to the crazy number of mass shootings, I had no emotional reaction whatsoever.

The irony is that when I started writing this blog post, Laurel mentioned the Orlando shooting, and I thought to myself, I almost forgot about that one. And then she said, “I almost forgot about the Texas shooting.” Is that who we’ve become? Is it just another day in the life? We’ve just grown to accept shooting massacres and move on?

I find it interesting and almost humorous, some of the silly discussions or arguments that went on after this one. Have there really been 18 school shootings this year? Well no, that’s just more fake news! The media is blowing it out of proportion. Does it really matter? Isn’t one mass shooting one too many? What if it were your child, or my child, wouldn’t one be too many?

We like to hold ourselves out as the greatest nation, I would argue that, I believe that ship has sailed a long time ago, but I still believe we have an awful lot of pretty smart people out there. No one can come up with some ideas to deal with this? My liberal friends say, “Let’s ban assault weapons, let’s have more gun control.” Yes! My conservative friends say, “Let’s bring in out-of-work ex-military personnel or ex-police officers to guard the schools or arm the teachers.” Yes! Let’s do something, let’s do anything! I’m amazed at the continual malaise, the constant “that won’t work”, why do we have so little desire to do anything to address this? 

I’ll readily admit, I don’t have the answers. I don’t know if tighter gun laws will work, I grew up with guns, and I’ve been around them most of my life, but I think we need to investigate this. I do believe one of the most difficult issues is the fact that the NRA has many Congressmen in their back pocket. I’m not exactly sure how someone like Marco Rubio can live with himself after 17 students and teachers were murdered in his home state when he’s taking millions from the NRA. He has to live with himself, he has to look in the mirror every day, not sure how he does it, I know I couldn’t.

But then again, how do we live with ourselves? We love to do what the politicians are so good at doing these days, we like to say “My thoughts and prayers are with you.” I’ve grown in my life to despise those words, we’ve gotten to the point that we use that phrase like we say “how are you?” Thoughts and prayers without action is meaningless. We are calling our politicians to action, but we are also called to action. We need to demand action, we can’t continue to sit idly by while our children are being crucified. Stand up, be heard, write letters, vote those who the NRA supports out of office, demand our politicians stop taking money from the NRA, demonstrate, march, protest. Are our children not worth it?

So just try to imagine, imagine putting Colin or Carter or Nicholas or Rachel or Laura on the school bus tomorrow. Imagine that thought in your mind as you wonder, could this be the day? Will I ever see them again? Should I squeeze them even tighter? Should I tell them even more how much I love them?

Just try to imagine one of the teachers in your family, think about Leah or Holly, have you told them, please don’t be a hero, don’t be a human shield for your students, even though you know, it’s worthless to tell them that, they love their students too much not to sacrifice their lives for them. Have you thought about them every day and thought, could this be the day? When was the last time I told them how much I loved them?

OK, I know I’m old, but I’m going to pull one out from back in the day. What would Jesus do? Do you think Jesus would just sit by while his children were being murdered? Look at some of the faces of children I’ve posted that have been executed at their schools. Think about if that were your child. Jesus said, “Let the children come to me.” He didn’t say deliver them to me in body bags. When will enough be enough?

“I can see Your heart in everything You’ve done

Every part designed in a work of art called love

If You gladly chose surrender so will I

I can see Your heart

Eight billion different ways

Every precious one

A child You died to save

If You gave Your life to love them so will I” 

Hillsong United – “So Will I”

He Ain't Heavy ....

Just like so many families, when we all get together, there is someone who has to hear the old stories that have been regenerated every time you get together.  In our case, it’s my niece Molly.  She loves to hear those stories from when her Dad, my brother, Jim and I were younger and my brother tormented me.  She will say, “tell us that story about when you were riding in the car ….?”  And it all begins.

Many, many years ago, I would gladly go anywhere with my older brother.  He was a teenager, I was about six years younger, and I’d gladly go with my brother, riding wherever he would take me.  I’m sure there are many stories of how he would make my life miserable, I mean, what else should an older brother do to a younger brother (think Wayne and Kevin from The Wonder Years), but there are two that always come up, and to be honest, for good reason.

I’m not really sure which is my “favorite”, but there was the one time, it was a hot, sticky summer day, and remember, way back then there was no air conditioning in most cars.  I was drinking a milk shake from McDonald’s, and Jim decided it would be really funny to slam on the brakes, and then gun the engine, just as I was taking a drink.  It was inevitable that I poured most of my milkshake down the front of me.  I then had the pleasure of sitting in a hot car for the rest of the ride with a shirt full of sticky milkshake.  And of course hearing my brother laugh at my misfortune.

And then there was the time that we were riding down the street, and Jim said, “Look out the window and see what that sign says.”  I of course complied, and as I stuck my head out the window, he hit the brakes, and I banged my head into the side of the window.  And again, of course, Jim got a great laugh out of my misfortune.

Now, before you get to feeling too sorry for me (if you do), in so many ways, I deserved whatever I got.  You see, growing up, I was the much younger brother to Jim, and our older brother Bill.  When I was young, I always wanted to tag along with my brothers, wherever they went, and my Mom always insisted that they let me.  Whenever they went out with friends to play football, baseball, whatever, I was there.  Whenever they had a girl over, I was there.  Whenever they did anything out of line, I was there.  And I was a pest.  I was a tattletale.  I was the stereotypical spoiled baby of the family.  While I know the word hate is a strong word, for a long, long time, my brothers probably hated me, and really, for good reason.  So whatever torture I received over the rest of my childhood, it was probably warranted and well-deserved.

But the torment and torture doesn’t tell the full story.  Over time, Jim spent a great deal of time with me, taking me with him so many places.  I’ve shared before in blog posts, he used to take me to many Pittsburgh Pirate games each summer.  We’d drive to Pittsburgh, park on the streets in North Side, go to the games and get $1 general admission tickets, and get a Coke, and we’d be out of there for less than $5.  As we grew older, Jim would take me hunting and fishing, and we’d spend a lot of time walking around the woods or sitting at a pond or lake, and I wasn’t that spoiled little brat anymore, or at least I don’t think I was.

As time has gone by, the story even changed, and we had more to bring us together.  Into our adulthood, we experienced a tragedy, our brother Bill committed suicide.  As I’ve noted previously, I don’t think there is a greater loss than a loss of a child, and losing a child to suicide is even harder.  But it’s also not easy to lose a sibling, and again, it’s even harder when you lose a sibling to suicide.  After Bill died, I went through a wealth of emotions, trying to figure out how this happened.  I would be driving down the road, and I’d be lost in my thoughts, I’d vacillate between missing Bill, wanting him back, trying to figure out what I could have done to prevent it, to being so angry at him for what he did.  I couldn’t believe he could do this to us, do this to our parents.

Through it all, it really wasn’t feasible to talk about Bill and what happened to my parents, it was too painful for them.  For the most part, we never talked about him, it was off-limits, at least from my perspective.  But Jim and I talked.  At first, we would vent, we would voice our anger toward Bill for what he did.  We would talk about how angry we were, how hurt we were, how we couldn’t believe what he did to our parents, to us.  Eventually, our anger subsided, and our discussions turned to stories, stories of growing up, stories of when we were brothers, and some of the funny things Bill used to do.  Bill was always larger than life, he did everything in a big way.  Jim and I had so many stories, Jim more than me, since they were closer, but we would share those stories, and laugh, we would laugh at better times, times when there were three of us, and we would relive those memories.

As time went on, and as our families grew up, Jim became more of a mentor to me.  While I have various great friends that I reach out to, there are certain things that you talk to your brother about because they know you as family like no one else does.  One of my favorites, and I won’t go into the details, partly so as not to bore you, but also because of the level of embarrassment I have for the stupidity of what I did, I remember telling Jim, and his immediate reaction was, “Oh my God, don’t tell Dad”.  To which I quickly said, “I already did”, and his quick and immediate response was, “Why in the world would you do that.”  I know, I know, I know, really bad decision. 

Most of the time, I would call Jim about my children, issues surrounding them and some of the issues he had been through.  Maybe it’s genetics, maybe it’s the way we were raised and how we raised our children, but we’ve faced many of the same or similar issues.  I’ve been able to pick Jim’s brain and get some counseling when I’ve needed it.  Don’t get me wrong.  He doesn’t have all of the answers.  There are times, he just starts laughing, and says, “Good luck with that one.”  But he eventually starts talking through the issues and tries to help me deal with whatever the problem is.  There are times he is very supportive, and there are times he shows no sympathy for me, and kicks me in the ass.  You know, quite frankly, when he does, just like when we were younger, I really deserved that ass-kicking. 

We have entered a new stage in our lives.  We are both getting old(er).  No, we don’t call each other and talk about our latest aches and pains, hip replacements, arthritis or things of that sort (although we could compare notes on receding hair lines).  We’ve dealt with the loss of our Dad, and how difficult that was.  As much as you realize that death is just another part of life, it doesn’t make it any easier when it’s your parent. 

Now, we are dealing with our Mom getting older, and the difficulties of watching her go through the inevitable changes that old age brings.  Jim is the one who has, and still does, all of the heavy lifting.  My Mom lives close to Jim and my sister-in-law Laura, and they do everything for her.  Recently my Mom asked me if Jim ever complains, and I was able to say without hesitation or reservation, “No, I’ve never heard him complain.”  And he doesn’t and I could never imagine he would.  Jim is just an incredible and amazing son who would do anything for my Mom and also did everything for my Dad.  Similar to my comments above, I’m not looking for any sympathy or any reassurances, Jim is a really good son, and I’m extremely thankful for all he does for my Mom, as is she.

So it may sound crazy, but I relish those stories of the car rides where I took a milkshake bath or my head got smashed against the inside of the door.  I relish those car rides to Pirate games, listening to KQV and 13Q, riding through the streets of North Side with all of the potholes.  I relish those days of sitting on the banks of that little pond in Slippery Rock, catching more mosquitos than fish, or that time that our cat stole Jim’s freshly skinned rabbit from him and took it underneath the trailer.  I relish it all, and I’m thankful for the great father he is, the great grandfather he’s become, and the amazing son he is.  But most of all, I’m thankful for….

He’s my brother.

Old Dog, New Tricks, Part 2

Editor’s Note:  In my writing, I’ll be referencing the book, “Same Kind of Different as Me”, which has also been made into a movie.  If you haven’t read the book or seen the movie, and plan to, spoiler alert, I will be divulging the plot and storyline, which may ruin it for you.  Stop reading now if that is the case.

I recently read a post on Facebook from a friend, and it was from someone that they knew that had gone through a moment in a grocery store that triggered a flood of emotions for that person.  She had lived in the area previously, been married, raised a family, and subsequently got divorced.  When she entered the grocery store, it all came rushing back to her, and she couldn’t contain her emotions.  The experience, the memories of her family life, were just too much.

 This emotional story came to roost for me in a bit of a different way, but still, very emotional all the same.  Our Adult Education class has been reading and discussing “Same Kind of Different as Me”, and as I sat alone one Saturday, catching up on all of my reading while Laurel was gone for the day, I found a story that hit just a little too close to home. 

“God of salvation
You chased down my heart
Through all of my failure and pride”

It’s a true story of a couple in Texas, who gradually grow into affluence.  As they grow wealthier, and find the better things in life, the husband, Ron, gradually strays, and has an affair.  When his wife, Deborah, finds out, instead of kicking him out, divorcing him and taking him to the cleaners, she first wants to talk to the other woman.  She does, and surprisingly, she tells the other woman she forgives her.  Next, she tells Ron their lives have to change, and she introduces him to helping out at the local homeless shelter.  While Ron struggles with being around the “lesser of us”, Deborah embraces it and eventually wins over all she works with at the shelter, including a very angry and sometimes violent African-American man, Denver, who has led a terrible life and been homeless for many years.  Eventually, Ron becomes a little more comfortable, and he and Denver somehow become friends, but it wasn’t without a great deal of trials along the way.  Sadly Deborah contracts cancer, and eventually dies, but her legacy lives on through the friendship of Ron and Denver, and the homeless shelter built in her name to honor all that she had done.

As best I could, I just summarized a beautiful story with many emotional upheavals into one paragraph, missing many critical parts along the way, but hopefully, you get the picture.  While the story isn’t exactly the same as ours, as noted, it hit way too close to home.  As I’ve noted in previous blogs, I left Laurel for a while way back when we were around 30 years old.  I left her, I left Megan and Kelly, and I moved into a tiny one bedroom apartment all to myself.  Somehow, Laurel never gave up, as much as I gave up, she never did.  As much as she should have kicked me to the curb, divorced me and took me to the cleaners, she didn’t.  She believed in us, she believed in our marriage, and she held on strong until I eventually came to my senses. 

“Hold my heart, don’t let it bleed no more

Sometimes forgiveness is like a man at war”

While I wish I could say that somehow we have a beautiful story to tell about helping out the homeless, and me befriending someone like Denver, that is not a part of the story unfortunately.  What hit me when I was reading the book was when it got to the part about Deborah getting cancer.  You see, all of my life, I’ve lived in fear, I’ve feared that just like Laurel’s two sisters, Kathy and Karen, Laurel would someday fall to cancer, and I would lose her much too soon.  I’ve always lived with the thought that I was willing to give her up, and when I realized how crazy, how stupid I was, God would come in and take her away from me.  Each time she would go for a physical or exam, and she would say that they saw something and wanted to do further tests, panic would ensue, and I’d ask her if she could get an appointment sooner, I couldn’t stand the worry.  As Laurel would point out to me, “Worrying isn’t going to do any good”, I’d say, “OK, you’re right, but that still doesn’t help.”

"Your love has called my name

What do I have to fear?

What do I have to fear?"

  

So as I sat there reading that Saturday afternoon, I burst into tears, and I cried.  And I cried.  And I cried.  I felt badly for our two dogs, Little Bit and Daisy, because they had no idea what was going on.  They kept trying to comfort me, but it was no use, I was seeing my life flash before me, and I probably cried more than I’ve cried since my Dad died in 2013.  I couldn’t let go of my past failures, the pain I inflicted on Laurel, how I treated her, what I put her through.  I’ve never been able to forgive myself for that.  I couldn’t let go of my “perceived” future when I was going to lose Laurel, just like Ron lost Deborah.  I was caught between the inability to forgive myself for my past and fearing my future.  Wow, where the Hell do you go from here?

“And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear”

While there have been times in my life that I would have simply accepted this is just who I am, and would have quoted one of my favorite cartoon characters, Popeye, and said “I yam what I yam, and that’s all I yam”, this year has given me a new sense of optimism that I can be so much more. 

I look back to the challenge that our Pastor, Chris Henry, gave us for Lent on “A Clearing Season” and the journey I went on.  I explored myself, I explored my religion and faith, I sunk to the depths of Hell, driving myself into a state of depression, but I pulled myself out and garnered so many great insights and new visions of my life and the lives around me.  I grew and changed during that Lenten Journey, and I am so thankful for that.

“If you gladly chose surrender so will I”

I have continued to explore my worship through my running, as bad as it has been lately, but it hasn’t changed my focus on listening to contemporary Christian music, and finding so many nuggets of inspiration to live my day by.  I’ve interspersed some of the lines throughout this post, some of the ones that give me the greatest inspiration.  And it’s not just on the run that I get and keep that inspiration, throughout the day, I hear these lines running through my mind, and it helps me stay in focus. 

I started yoga this year, and it has been an incredibly uplifting and sobering activity for me.  I’m learning so much about myself and so much about what I can do, and what I can’t do.  While I’m still such a novice, I’ve only been doing it for five months or so, I look forward to it each time, and grow a little more each time.  Don’t get me wrong, there are times that I think I’m progressing, and times I think I’m regressing, at least in my stretching or balance, but I’m always growing in my focus, and my desire to keep coming back to see how I can improve.  As I’ve noted, I will probably never be very good at this, but it has been one of the best activities I’ve ever taken up in my life.  I’m surrounded by so many inspirational people, both teachers and students, that just make me feel good each time I go there.  Why in the world would I not want to do this?

"If You can calm the raging sea

You can calm the storm in me"

  

Finally, the entire church year has been amazing for me.  Through the Lenten Journey, through our Adult Education class, through the services, the music, the sermons, I’ve been inspired, and I’ve grown.  I’ve been lucky, I’ve been blessed through the years to hear some great sermons from great ministers, but the sermons I’ve heard at Shallowford this year from Chris Henry, Catherine Foster, and Bradley Kibler have been outstanding, particularly during Lent.  I have to go back to one (seriously, how do I choose just one?) where Chris Henry said, “But making space for renewal of the soul is not like adding another item to the to-do list.  Caring for the soul is a gift we give ourselves, not an obligation we begrudgingly meet… It involves setting priorities and holding ourselves accountable and sometimes, it means stretching ourselves beyond the comfortable.”  But with all of the great sermons like this, the eloquent weaving of stories together, taking Biblical passages and bringing them into focus in our everyday lives, Chris hit me with the Christmas sermon, with a simple story of Linus from “A Charlie Brown Christmas” and the words the angel spoke, and I needed to hear – Fear Not. 

Those tiny two words, repeated by a tiny cartoon character many years ago, brought into focus once again, what has held me back for so many years.  Stuck agonizing over my past failures, fearing what the future holds in store, wanting to take control from God, which I know is ludicrous and makes no sense, and those two words brought it all back into focus for me.  I can’t change the past, and in so many ways, I wouldn’t.  While I have some huge black marks on me from my past, I also have thousands or millions of things of beauty that define my past.  I can’t control the future, and quite frankly, I’m pretty sure that God has a better idea of what my future should look like than I do.  I need to learn to accept that.  I need to stay in the present, be the best me in the present, which will help me be a better person in the future.

One last thing and then I’m done.  Let me tell you a story about my hamstrings.  Stay with me here, there’s a point to this.  As I related in my last post, “Old Dog, New Tricks”, yoga is really, really hard for me.  For many reasons, but the worst is my hamstrings.  I’ve spent 57 years not stretching them, and while I could wallow in the fact that I’ve never stretched myself beyond the comfortable, and letting that define me, I’m giving it my best to do something about it.  The one yoga class, Brooke said, “You need to stretch your hamstrings at least 90 seconds at a time just to maintain your flexibility.”  I actually started laughing.  I thought to myself, I have to do this for 90 seconds just to maintain zero flexibility?  Then the one time, Megan was working on my hamstrings, and she said, “Your hamstrings are really confused.”  Well of course they are, they’ve gone 57 years without any stretching, they are rebelling and saying, what in the world are you trying to do to us?  As I was in a stretch the other night, my hamstrings began yelling at me once again, my legs started shaking uncontrollably, as my hamstrings went on strike and wouldn’t take anymore punishment.  I just started laughing.  As I looked up, Dani smiled and said, “It’s OK, you’re good.”  No I’m not, but with the help of some great teachers I will be, or I’ll be content with where I can be.  Believe me, I’m not quitting, and next time, I’ll go back at it again, and see what my hamstrings are willing to do.  But I can’t change the past, I can only control the present, and I’m not going to worry what the future brings.  If someday, I work myself up to say, 2-3% flexibility in my hamstrings, that’s great, but I’m just going to keep on doing the best I can and not worry about the future.

So am I saying that just like with my hamstrings, I’m not going to wallow in my past failures, not going to worry about the future and just live in the present?  Sadly, no, I’m not there yet.  But I’m getting better.  While I’m not one to ever give myself much credit for anything, I’ve grown this year.  I’ve actually gotten better.  As I always say, I’m a work in progress.  I am committed to be a better me in the present, and I hope that leads to a better me in the future. 

“Thy Will Be Done”

“And what does the Lord require of you?  But to do justice, to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God”

“But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”

“I Can Do Hard Things”

“Fear Not”

While it’s impossible to distill down a year of learning, growing and inspiration into a few simple phrases, these are some of the ones that have captured me this year.  As I close out the year, this blog post, my blog posts for the year, I wish you the best, and I promise to do my best to give you my best in 2018 and beyond.

Old Dog, New Tricks

“Some of you are approaching this time like a lion, ready to attack this yoga session.  Some of you are approaching this like a unicorn, ready to escape out the door.”

I recently quit teaching part-time at Georgia Gwinnett College after seven years, partly due to my travel schedule and partly due to the fact that I wanted to spend more time with my wife Laurel.  It isn’t ever like I’m bored in life or don’t have enough to do, but I tend to always like to be busy and active.  So while there wasn’t necessarily a “gap” in my schedule after retiring from teaching, mentally, I still had a bit of a gap to fill.  And, as noted, I wanted to find a way to spend more time with Laurel.

In July, I went to a meeting at our headquarters in Germany, and as a part of it, I participated in the WIKA team marathon, which they hold annually.  You only have to run about six kilometers, which isn’t a huge challenge, or shouldn’t be.  To say I sucked would be an understatement, it was one of my worst running performances, and experiences, I can ever remember.  While I could make a number of excuses, the reality that I knew was that I had become too “running centric” and had quit doing anything to stay fit other than running.  That just doesn’t work, you need to do more than just run to be an effective runner.

When I came home, I told Laurel, “I need to start going to yoga with you”, which made Laurel ecstatic, she’s been trying to get me to go to yoga with her for years.  Now this was huge because I have done my best to avoid any type of stretching throughout my life, and have made it basically 57 years with virtually no stretching.  Why, might you ask?  Because it hurts, plain and simple.  I am extremely tight, my hamstrings are awful.  So, when Laurel said to me, “You may not realize this, but yoga is hard”.  Uh, no shit, I had no preconception that yoga was going to be easy for me.  On the contrary, I was scared to death of how hard this was going to be. 

It reminded me of something that my good friend and mentor Dave Carr taught me once.  When he was teaching a course, he talked about three “zones”.  One is the Comfort Zone, where things are familiar and we are comfortable.  Then there is the Learning Zone, where beliefs, ideas and perspectives are challenged, and we grow.  And then, there is the “Panic Zone”, where our eyes get big, our heart rate goes up, our breathing gets faster and our palms get moist.

“Take time to set your intentions, what do you want to get out of this time here?”

When I began going to yoga, a short four months ago, yes, I was scared to death, I was in the Panic Zone.  As many times as Laurel would remind me that it was going to be hard, or I probably didn’t realize how hard this was going to be, no, the truth of the matter was, I knew how hard and painful this was going to be for me.  I know my body, I know how tight I am, how awful my hamstrings are.  But oh, I found out so much more.  I found out how weak my hips were.  I found out how tight my shoulders were.  Each week, early on, I learned new things about my body, and it wasn’t good.  I remember remarking to Megan Kearney, the owner of Ebb & Flow and leader of many yoga sessions, that I’m learning new things that my body can’t do each time, and her response back was, “Yeah, but isn’t it amazing what your body can do?” 

And that is why I have fallen in love with yoga.  Each session I attend, I am the unicorn, I am in the Panic Zone.  I often remark to Laurel, “I really don’t think you realize how hard this is for me.  I know it is for a lot of people, but it’s really hard for me.  I’ve not stretched in 57 years, it really hurts.”  But each time, I give it everything I have, I’ve figured out what I just flat out can’t do, but I’m gradually learning to be OK with that, and becoming content with what I can do.

“If you only spend five minutes today intentionally, you are doing yoga.”

It goes far beyond the physical part though.  So much of yoga is about spirituality, focus and breathing.  OK, breathing should be easy, but I’m constantly forgetting that I need to breathe when I’m doing yoga.  I wish I could say I’m getting better at remembering to breathe, but this will take some time.  Focus is another area that is and will be a struggle for me.  I am Type A, no doubt, and my mind is constantly wandering to all of the things I need to get done.  But, I am seeing some glimmers of hope.  I’ve been able to concentrate on what the teacher is saying more and more, and sometimes, I am able to focus, and really concentrate on being intentional.

Which brings me to the spirituality, and more particularly, the teachers I’ve had.  Since I’ve only been doing yoga for four months, I’ve only had the opportunity to experience four teachers, Megan, Brooke, Dani and Felicia.  Again, I’m such a novice to yoga, but they are just incredible.  They are wonderfully unique and amazing in their own way.  Each brings different gifts, different teaching methods, different music, and I’m just mesmerized at how they encourage and inspire me to be my best, and also to be OK with myself when I can only be my best.  There are so many times that they’ll say something in class, and unfortunately, my Type A personality will have me lying there thinking, “wait, what did she just say?  I need to write that down.”  Unfortunately I can’t, so I have to commit the concept to my brain, not the actual comment. 

“You can do hard things”

I have come to realize, and accept, I will never be good at this.  You can’t overcome 57 years of never stretching, and 57 years (or close to it) of being a Type A.  I have gotten better, I have grown, I have improved, but I’m pretty confident and comfortable with the fact that I will never be very good at yoga.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I am loving every minute of it.  Don’t get me wrong, every class, I’m a unicorn, I’m ready to bolt out the door.  I’m scared to death, but I stick it out, and I do the best I can do.  And I’m not ashamed to say that at the end of every class, I get teary-eyed because I’m proud of myself for doing something that I never believed I could ever do.  I firmly believe, they are changing my life.  Physically, spiritually, I’m becoming a different, and better, person. I am so thankful for what they are doing for me.

I can do hard things. 

Stay tuned for “Old Dog, New Tricks, Part 2”.  If I can accomplish this, I can accomplish so much more.  I am still a work in progress.

Marriage Vow Renewal

Editor's Note:  Laurel and I renewed our vows five years ago on our 30th anniversary.  I wrote the following for that ceremony, and I have to say, I feel even more in love today than I was five years ago.  As you can see, I had our children read our story, partly because I knew I couldn't, but largely because they are such an integral part of our lives.  And yes, I'm the luckiest man alive.

The Nature of Love

Megan: Our father has asked us to expand on the nature of love.  Our role is two-fold.  He knew that it wouldn’t be possible to do this himself without crying like a little baby.  And so much of the nature of love for our parents relates to their children, so it’s appropriate for us to be a vital part of this service.

Kelly: Our father chose 1^st Corinthians, 13: 4-8.  Thirty years is a long time, and there are many memories, many life moments that shape a marriage, shape our lives together.  Our father chose four moments, four snapshots that highlight the love that our mother has shown to all, and the reason why, our father loves her so much.

Megan: Love is patient.  While there have been many ways that Laurel has shown great patience with all of us, such as the purchase order policy, “goodbye I love you goodnight”, “I cut off the sweaty parts”, it seemed appropriate to at least start with some humor and focus on her favorite of all of her children, Snickers.  When the boys, particularly Sean, fought so hard to get a puppy, we had no idea what we were getting into.  Snickers was the worst baby anyone could imagine.  While experts would tell you, dogs will never go the bathroom in their crate, we found out the very first night, Snickers hadn’t read the manual.  He stayed up most nights for his first three months or so, he hated his crate, he teethed on our furniture and ruined it, he would pick, pick, pick at the berber carpeting until he could get a good strand and pull it across the room, so we eventually had duct tape throughout our family room.  While Sean and Patrick and I all promised to take care of Snickers, the

one who got to stay up all night with Snickers, was of course, Laurel.  There were many times, she said, it’s either me or the dog, but she knew how much the boys, and I, loved Snickers, so she persevered.

When I finally knew that Snickers had won her heart was one night when we were sitting in the family room watching TV.  Snickers was out back, in the dark, and all of a sudden, you could hear him barking.  For some reason, Laurel thought that Snickers was in trouble, and she leaped off the couch, running out the back door in her bare feet, screaming, “Snickers, Snickers”.  He had won her over, and had become her favorite.  Patience is a virtue, and Laurel definitely possesses this virtue.

Kelly:  Love is kind.  There are many examples, but one has always stuck with me, and it is from early in our marriage.  We were at church at Westminster, sitting on the center aisle of course.  The ushers were taking the offering, and there was a homeless man who had come into the sanctuary and he was sitting a few aisles ahead of us.  The usher tried to be kind and gracefully move past the man, but all of a   sudden, the homeless man tugged at the sleeve of the usher’s jacket.  He had a handful of change that he wanted to put into the offering plate, and he got the usher’s attention to put his change in the plate.  Laurel instantly burst into tears.  I feigned ignorance and asked her what was wrong, but she just shook her head and didn’t say anything.  After the service was over, Laurel was still crying, and I asked her what was wrong.  She said, “Did you see that homeless man?  He didn’t even have shoelaces in his shoes, but he still took the change from his pocket to put in the offering.   If he can do that, how can the rest of us be so selfish?“  I saw the love, the compassion, the kindness that she has for others that day, and I’ve seen it countless times over, whether it is Tawanna, B2B, or whatever small or significant random act of kindness she does along the way. 

Sean: Love bears all things.  When it comes to child bearing, if there is a normal, Laurel didn’t get to experience it.  The most normal child birth along the way was the first, Megan, and she was a month late, at least based on her due date.  Megan came into the world screaming, and she did a lot of that for the first several months.  We used to joke that Megan was a patriotic baby because she always stayed up until the TV programming shut off and they played the Star Spangled Banner at one or two in the morning (yes, back in the olden days of TV).  With Kelly, Laurel ended up on bed rest for the last month or so, and had to endure lying in bed, holding back the contractions.  With the boys, it became much worse.  Laurel had to endure about four months of bed rest, only allowed to leave bed to take a shower each day.  She had to lie there all day, watching TV, doing crossword puzzles, whatever she could do to pass the time, holding off the contractions, so that the boys could grow enough to be born safely.  I constantly wondered, how can she do it?  How does she not bend, how does she not cheat, how does she endure this?  I asked her one day, and very simply, she told me, “I just tell myself each day, if I don’t do this, they won’t survive.  That’s what keeps me going each day”.  I don’t believe I would have been strong enough to ever suffer through this, but Laurel’s love for the boys allowed her to endure those four months.  Her love for her children drove her to bear all things.

Patrick: Love endures all things.  I wish I didn’t have to do this one, but to completely cover the extent of Laurel’s love, this painful part of the journey has to be addressed.  At one point in our marriage, I reached the conclusion that our marriage wasn’t working.  I didn’t see a future for us together, and I determined that it would be best for each of us to find our true soulmate, the one who could make us the happiest.  Maybe I had watched too many movies, too much TV, not sure what it was, but I believed there was something better, something bigger out there.   I left, I became a vagabond of sorts.  I lived on friend’s floors, in their spare rooms, I eventually got an apartment of my own.  I spent a lot of time alone, soul searching, wondering where my life was headed.  I still remember the one morning, getting up in the morning, looking in the mirror, and really not recognizing the person looking back at me.  I was completely lost.

The whole time, Laurel never gave up, who knows why.  I gave her every reason to give up on me, in some ways I kept believing, if she were really smart, really strong, she would just say the hell with me, and move on.  But she didn’t, she never gave up, she never gave in, she kept pushing and pushing me to come back.  I found out how strong, how committed, how dedicated she was.  She believed in our marriage, she was committed to our marriage, and because of her ability to endure all things, we are still together today.  If it weren’t for her, who knows what the girls’ lives would have been like and of course, the boys would have never been born.  Her love and commitment changed our lives completely.

Megan:  My commitment since then has been to try to make every day of her life a better day than the day before.  I realize that I fail at this most days, but that’s my commitment.  She gave me life when I didn’t deserve it, she gave me love when I didn’t deserve it, and my goal, my purpose is to show her the love she deserves for the rest of our lives. 

Too many times, we believe that love is a storybook romance like you read in books, like you see in movies.  True love is loving each other through all the difficulties, loving each other when it isn’t easy to love each other, loving each other through the bad times, as well as the good times.  In my mind, I have had a storybook romance, and I thank God for letting me be a player in this story.  Lou Gehrig once famously said, “I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”  Lou Gehrig was wrong, he wasn’t the luckiest man on the face of the earth, I am.  Thanks be to God.

Advent Devotional

Letting Go

I began writing my blog about nine years ago.  I had always loved writing as a creative avenue (my

dream was to be a journalist and write novels), and due to the fact that my career is in business as a Chief Financial Officer, I needed some way of expressing myself.  I titled my blog, “Stuffed With Fluff – Oh Bother!”, partly due to my love of Winnie the Pooh and the fact that in many cases, my head is stuffed with fluff.  I write about life, my family, friends, students, pets, church, and in many ways, how God speaks to me through all of those avenues.  And I wait to see where God is going to take me.     

I’m not exactly sure how most people write, but my blog posts often take many months to “percolate”.  The process is very similar in each case, the difference is typically in the timing.  It all begins with an idea, something strikes me, something interests me.  And that idea sits there for a while.  And like we do in the Advent season, I wait.  Sometimes, I wait, and the idea never gets beyond that point, it dies a slow, but quiet, death.

If the stars were made to worship so will I

In most cases though, the idea progresses, and the way it progresses is through my morning runs.  As I run, I listen to contemporary Christian music, and I talk to God.  As I listen to God, I write my blog in my head.  So I wait for it to formulate, because I know it will be something eventually.  Sometimes God must talk very slowly, or I must listen very slowly, because it takes months for me to write it in my head.  

If the wind goes where You send it so will I

In these nine years, I have not had a goal or a set amount I want to write or themes I want to write about.  It all depends on what strikes me, what interests me, and then I wait for God to help me foster that idea into a creation.

If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I

What really strikes me about this waiting is that in my everyday life, I very much want or need to control everything.  While spiritually I realize that the only one in control is God, I can’t seem to let go of my desire to be in control.  My blog is the one thing over which I give up all control to God.  How it’s written, what is written, the timing of it, all depends on how God speaks to me, and yes, how well I listen.  It is the one thing in my life that I patiently wait for God to deliver on His terms and timing.  Maybe that is why it is so precious to me.

If the rocks cry out in silence so will I

As I approach Advent this year, what am I waiting for?  What are you waiting for?  What will come out of this waiting?

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