You Did What?

Many years ago, there was a young lady who worked for me named Kelly Kitchens.  The one day, Kelly came into my office, and she started complaining about her husband.  I can’t remember what transgression he had committed, it doesn’t matter, but I stopped her at one point, and asked, “Tell me, has your husband ever tried to implement a purchase order policy?”  She looked at me in shock, and said, “Oh my God, no.”  I quickly said to her, “Well I did.  Your husband really doesn’t seem so bad after all, does he?”

I then related to Kelly the sad tale of the purchase order policy and the fallout that occurred.  Now, in my defense, we were in the process of moving, I had taken a new opportunity at my employer at the time, Barco, and we were moving from Dayton, Ohio to Kennesaw, Georgia.  We were sitting on a house that just wasn’t selling, and the finances were getting tight.  I was becoming desperate, I was losing my mind, trying to figure out how to make this all work.  I think I could possibly get off using the temporary insanity defense.  Or maybe not.

It all started the one Saturday evening.  I had been traveling back and forth between Dayton and Kennesaw, I was home for short periods at a time.  As I struggled, trying to figure out how we would manage this move, how we would sell this house, how we would get back together as a family, I started panicking about the finances while I wasn’t around.  I worried that money was just flowing out freely without me there to ensure we were fiscally conservative.  And thus the purchase order policy was hatched.  It was a perfect plan.  All purchases, large or small, had to be agreed to by both parties to ensure no unwise spending took place.  I even formalized it in a document, typed it up on the computer, with signature blocks for each of us. 

I know what you’re thinking right now.  This really couldn’t get much worse.  But it could!  You see, I decided to introduce this policy on Sunday before we went to church.  But not just any Sunday.  Mother’s Day!

After we got ready that morning, Laurel and I were in the kitchen, waiting for the kids to all get ready for church.  I pulled out the document, it was short, very efficiently-worded, and I showed it to Laurel.  I quickly could see, this may not have been my best idea that I’ve ever come up with.  I remember my brother Jim once taught me, “words are like bullets, once they’re out, you can’t get them back.”  I quickly wanted to reel them back in, but too late, the damage was done.  Laurel said nothing, she reached for her purse, she pulled out the check book, her credit cards, her cash, and said, “Here, you take care of everything.”.  She then said nothing else.

It just so happened that Laurel and I were teaching Sunday School that morning for a group of children, so she left before me, and I was taking all of the kids to church.  As I pulled into the parking lot at church, I couldn’t see her car, and the thought hit me.  She left me!  I went into church, and headed for the Sunday School room.  No Laurel.  I started quickly walking up and down the halls of Westminster, you have to understand, it’s a really big church with lots of hallways, still no Laurel.  I would see people, and ask, “have you seen Laurel?”  I remember the look of bewilderment on Patsy Stevens’ face when I asked her, I must have looked that crazy, but still, no Laurel. I started running up and down the hallways, full of fear and panic, stopping anyone I could see, “have you seen Laurel?”, no, no one had seen her.  Eventually, Laurel showed up at the Sunday School room, I tried to say something, but she was still sobbing and refused to talk to me.

While it would appear this story couldn’t be much worse, really, it was.  I had planned this beautiful Mother’s Day celebration that day.  When we got home, Laurel really wanted no part of it, but I convinced her that the kids had really gone to a great deal of effort, we couldn’t disappoint them.  I had written a poem for them all to recite, I don’t remember much of it, other than the first line, “Mother with your hair so brown, upon it you should wear a crown…”  The kids gathered around the fire place,  each one reciting their part of the poem, holding up the various presents, I remember a couple dresses and various other gifts for her.  It could have been so special!  I videotaped the whole event, the kids doing their best, and Laurel sitting their sobbing.  I even tried afterward to video tape an apology, it pretty much consisted of me saying over and over and over again, “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.”  Yeah, that didn’t work either.

One of the next few weekends, we had a Small Group meeting among the guys from my church, and we’d always start off with checking in, what is going on in your life.  I started off, telling my sad tale of the purchase order policy gone awry.  I still remember the look of horror on Sandy McConnel’s face when he said to me, “You did what?”  I know, I know, it was a really, really bad idea.

Over time, the pain did subside a bit, but it wasn’t a topic that was brought up.  We just tried to act as if it never happened.  Once in a while, someone at a social event might try to bring it up for humor, but Laurel still never saw the humor in the event, so the topic would quickly die.

Years later, we had moved back to Dayton, only to be moving back again to Georgia, this time to Duluth, Georgia, still with Barco.  John and Beth Ey put together a going away party for us, and many of our friends from Westminster were there, including several members of my Small Group and their spouses.  At one point, of course, the topic of the purchase order policy came up, I’m pretty sure it was John Ey that remembered it.  Some of the wives had never heard it, so John asked me to share the story.  By this point, Laurel had lost her anger about it, but it still wasn’t something she found funny.  So I shared the story once again, the whole sordid tale.  The funny thing was, Jill McConnel, Sandy’s ex-wife, was sitting near me, and it was déjà vu all over again.  She looked at me in horror, and said, “You did what?”  I know, I know, it was a really, really bad idea.

While it isn’t always easy to find a silver lining in unfortunate life experiences, I’ve done my best to find a “pony in the box” on this one.  Kelly Kitchens was the first, but I’ve used this story many times over the years with colleagues who may come to me complaining about their husband.  I quickly break into, “Has your husband ever tried to implement a purchase order policy?”  I then tell my sorry tale, and in virtually all cases, the young lady comes to realize, my husband isn’t so bad after all.  At least some good has come out of this really, really bad idea. 

If you want to share this story with someone who may need to hear that their husband isn’t so bad, or if you happen to be a husband, who needs to show your wife that you aren’t so bad, by all means, share my ill-conceived purchase order policy story.  Let it do some good.  Just please don’t mention this story to Laurel.  Even after 20 years or so, it’s still not a story that she looks back at and laughs about.

On a Scale of 1 to 10 ....

Each time our Small Group gets together for our annual retreat, we check in with each other, to see how each member is doing.  We ask each member, “on a scale of 1 to 10, where are you?”.  We often break it down to health, personal, emotional, work, etc. 

Our Small Group has been together since the mid-90’s, so it’s been a little over 20 years.  We are 10, we lost Scott Porter a few years ago, which was difficult for all of us.  We’ve taken on a couple new members over time, Dave Weaver has been the latest a few years ago.  It’s funny, it’s really as if he’s always been there, he just fits in so well.  Some of us have moved away, so we don’t get to see each other as much, that’s what makes the annual retreat so special.

This year, someone, I’m assuming it was John Ey, had the bright idea to have our retreat in Pittsburgh.  Other than the fact that Pittsburgh is an incredible city, it’s also where I grew up, so this was an extra-special venue for me.  Eight of the 10 were able to make it, and while it would have really been nice to have Jim Clay and John Gummel there, it was still a thrill to have eight of us there.  We stayed in Shadyside, we visited Shadyside Presbyterian Church, where one of our group, Sandy McConnel, was a minister many, many years ago.  We visited Mount Washington, the Carnegie Museum of Natural History, and we visited so many great places to eat.  I think as we get older, meals become a really important part of our lives.

Being the youngest in the group (probably the only place anymore that I am the youngest), I’m noticing signs of aging amongst us.  We’re starting to compare the various medications we take, the surgeries we’ve had, the ailments we are feeling.  Losing Scott a few years ago was sobering, but the fact that we are all seeing the effects of getting older is even more sobering.  It’s really tough when the reality starts hitting you that the number of years left are far less than the number of years you have experienced, and your body and mind aren’t what they were just a few short years ago.

Getting back to the “On a scale of 1 to 10, where are you?” question, one of the rules of Small Group is that everything stays inside the group, but I don’t think I’m breaking any confidences if I reveal my score and what I told my friends.  I rate myself an 8 or a 9, which is probably the highest I’ve ever been.  Why not a 10?  Well let’s hit the negatives first on why I’m not a 10, before we get to the positives of why I’m an 8 or 9.

The negatives:

• I still suffer from depression, which is a lifelong journey that I will always suffer from.  Just like various medical or physical ailments, depression is a disease that essentially is terminal.  The good news is that I often know when I’m heading downward, and I’ve been able to cope and deal with it. 
• My job has been painful to say the least for four years now.  We have been suffering from the economy, mainly in the oil and gas industry, and it’s devastating to be a leader in a business where the people are so good, so hard working, and deserve so much more than we are giving them.  I love the people I work with, and they deserve so much better than this.  I really feel like I/we have let them down.
• I worry constantly about our children, but I really believe that’s kind of a given in life.  I don’t believe I’ll stop doing this until the day I die, and I don’t think I’m that unusual.

The positives:

• I fall in love more and more every day with Laurel.  I really can’t imagine being more in love than I am, but each day seems to bring a new level.
• We have four really incredible children, who have turned into wonderful and caring human beings.  I really couldn’t be more proud of the people they have become.
• I get to come home and see Daisy running across the yard to the top of the fence, and Little Bit peaking under the gate, and when they see me, they run like crazy into the house to greet me at the door.  I feel for those few moments like the most loved person in the world.
• We have found an amazing church in Shallowford Presbyterian Church, with great preaching, great fellowship, beautiful music, a wonderful youth program, and a welcoming community that makes us feel like we are family.
•  A year ago, Laurel introduced me to yoga at Ebb & Flow.  The physical, the spiritual, the mental, those have all been an incredible transformation for me.  But it’s also the people.  Most of it, comes vicariously for me, I’m an introvert, Laurel’s the social one.  I’ve gotten to know so many wonderful people there, mostly from listening to Laurel’s conversations, but it’s just such a nice group of people.  Plus, the teachers are so inspiring. 

What I didn’t say, and I should have said, was to give credit where credit is due.  There is no doubt, I wouldn’t be who I am at this point in my life, and comfortable with who I am, if it weren’t for this group of men.  They have been there through all of the good and not so good that I’ve experienced through the last 20+ years, and I’ve learned so much from them.  In no specific order,

·       I’ve learned the beauty of grace.

·       I’ve pushed myself to think, to learn, to write, to “sharpen the saw”.

·       I’ve copied the tattoos on my heart to tattoos on my arms.

·       I’ve seen that God does give people second chances in life, and how wonderful that can be.

·       I’ve witnessed the love of a caregiver for a parent and spouse through very difficult times.

·       I’ve seen someone who is enormously busy at work still somehow find time for so many, whether it be one of us, or one of the least of us.

·       I’ve received those phones calls to keep you motivated and looking forward when all you want to do is wallow in self-pity.

·       I’ve watched as some grow older so gracefully.

·       I’ve seen a beautiful, heartfelt goodbye that was the perfect message to a  loving congregation.

·       I’ve learned that oftentimes it’s the quiet and gentle voice that speaks the loudest.

·       I’ve seen someone give so freely and generously of his time and talents while he struggles with his spirituality.  What a gift he gives!

·       I’ve been pushed to think differently, to act differently, to view those around me differently.

·       I’ve learned that we don’t always have to agree with each other, but we can listen and hear what each other has to say, and acknowledge that there is a different way to view things.

·       I’ve seen a father’s love of his children taken to a new level that I can only hope to somehow come close to.

·       I’ve seen that it may take many years, but love does win.

·       I’ve seen Micah 6:8 lived out, “to do justice, to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God”.

The weekend ended, too soon as usual, with a meal, of course. We headed off our separate ways, knowing that these retreats will get harder and harder as we continue to age.  Many years ago, someone phrased something to me that at first, I found very odd.  She said, “He was such a good friend, I didn’t hesitate to ask a huge favor of him.”  At first, I thought of it as backwards.  But over the years, I’ve found it’s not.  There have been times, I desperately needed help, mainly with our kids, and I didn’t hesitate to call one of these guys, any day, and at any hour.  I know, they would do anything for me.  And I’d do anything for them.  

Let's Get Radical!

I’m a liberal. I’m a progressive. I’m a Democrat. I believe that it’s a sin and a shame that in this incredibly wealthy country, there are people living in poverty and that too many people are OK with that while the obscenely wealthy horde more and more of the wealth. I believe that if someone asks for sanctuary or asylum, I as an individual and we as a nation are morally obligated to help them. I’m not anti-capitalism; I am anti “fuck you, I got mine.” I am pro-immigrant, pro-woman, pro-family, pro-science, pro-education, pro-black lives matter, pro-free press, and pro-union. I believe in Mark 12:29-31 and all of Matthew 6. I believe that #loveshowsup, and that most people are decent human beings when it comes down to it, though it is getting harder and harder to hold on to that last part. If all of that makes me a socialist by your definition, I’m a socialist. I’m not ashamed of any of it.

MK Rodgers 

I recently saw this post on Facebook from MK Rodgers. For a little background, she’s the daughter of

one of my cousins, Bill Rodgers. Bill died about three years ago, he was one of my oldest cousins, and I always have great and fond memories of my cousins because of my Mom and her sisters and brothers. They made family special for all of us, so there’s a strong bond within the Irving family. This is a picture of Bill with MK at her wedding. That is such a great picture!

When I read MK’s post, it really got me thinking. I’ve been a conservative and Republican all my life. From the time I knew anything about politics, I think probably the 1968 election when Richard Nixon beat Hubert Humphrey, I’ve followed politics and been a hard-core Republican. I loved Richard Nixon (OK, Watergate kind of changed that), Ronald Reagan, George Bush, and even George W. Bush. I voted straight party Republican until 2016 (we’ll get to that), and I disliked any Democrat from Humphrey to George McGovern to Walter Mondale, and especially the Clinton’s. I still believe there was more to Whitewater than we ever found out, but that’s another story. I've always liked and respected Jimmy Carter, although I didn't think he was a very good president.  To be honest, I never really disliked Barack Obama, I wasn’t a big fan of the Affordable Care Act, but I just couldn’t bring myself to dislike, or despise, him like so many of my Republican friends did.

I believe in “trickle down economics”, I believe in fiscal responsibility, I believe in “a thousand points of light”, I did believe in Weapons of Mass Destruction (boy, really missed that one). Yes, I was a hard-core, conservative Republican. MK’s post got me to start thinking. What does the Republican Party stand for today? What is the narrative, or better yet, what are the actions that define the Republican Party today? Well, in no certain order, they are:

• We believe in closing down the borders of the United States and not letting immigrants in. While virtually all of us are either immigrants or descended from immigrants, we’re fine with putting a halt to it all. If you think about it, many of those who are coming here as immigrants are doing it to save their lives or the lives of their families, so our rejection of them is essentially a death sentence. We are basically saying, “I’d rather you die than live in the United States with me.” 

• We believe in separating families at our borders, when they have the audacity to try to crash
  our borders. We believe in putting children, many of them infants, in cages with little care and support. We even cite the Bible, our weapon of choice, to defend our position, although I’m sure we would like to ignore when Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” 
  

• We defend the Constitution and the Second Amendment to the death. Literally. We continue to carry our children off in body bags rather than seek some sort of compromise and sensible gun laws. Of course we do offer our thoughts and prayers each time it happens, so at least there’s that. I grew up with guns, I have no problem with guns, I just think there has to be some level of compromise on this issue?   I just have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the NRA having so many of us in their back pockets.  We are OK with our children dying as long as we can protect our right to our guns.
  

• We’re not so firm on the Constitution when it comes to the First Amendment, at least when it is someone who has an opposing opinion or belief. Freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of religion are only important if you think like me. Protesters are being targeted by this president and his supporters at Fox “News”, anything contrary to the Republican agenda is labeled “fake news”, and we are happy to have religion back in our schools again. What I really find interesting about the last point is the idea of what religion or whose religion? You know, it may sound great to exclude Muslims, Jews or Hindus, but in many cases, Christian religions view Catholicism as a “non-Christian” religion. I’m not so sure how the Catholics will feel if they are on the outside looking in, and I really have a problem with how many of the conservative denominations view Catholics. I find this to be a very slippery slope, but the key point is we want to exclude anyone who is different. 

• We proposed and passed a tax bill that we touted as benefiting the middle class and lower wage earners. Let’s be honest, while it did, that wasn’t the overriding purpose, and that wasn’t the group that it benefited the most. It benefited the rich, clearly, that was the intent from the very beginning. The problem is that there isn’t enough money to cover many of the programs that are needed to support the country, so many cuts are and will be proposed. And we have left an enormous debt for our children and our grandchildren. While it’s always nice to have some extra money, I don’t need this tax cut. I’d rather see this money go to programs to help those who need this money more than me. I also don’t want to leave this world a much worse place for my children and grandchildren. This tax cut is pure selfishness to put more money in the pockets of the wealthy. 

• We are unwilling to allow gay couples to adopt children. Let me tell you a brief, and I’ll admit, anecdotal story. There is a gay couple that we know of that adopted an infant from India. The infant had been used for sex trafficking by her mother. She is now a teenager, and lives in an incredibly caring home and goes to church and youth group weekly. I have my doubts that if this couple didn’t adopt her if she would be in such a good place today, let alone alive. One story, but why in the world are we so against allowing gay couples to adopt children and give them a loving home? 

• We have lost sight of who are our allies and who are our enemies. We shit all over our allies, and we heap praise all over our enemies. Maybe someone should consult Webster’s Dictionary to make sure we understand the meaning of these words, because I don’t think those words mean what we think they mean. 

• We treat our environment like it is a never-ending resource. Going back to the tax issue, we are selfishly leaving a much worse world to our children and grandchildren. 

• We tell lies, and we double down on those lies. We use the excuse, “politicians always lie”. OK, that’s probably true, but we tell blatant lies that are easily disproved by facts and data, but then we just tell the lies again and again. And we just don’t care. 
  

• We are the party that is supported by “Christian leaders” like Franklin Graham and Jerry Falwell, Jr. who continue to spew their hatred for Muslims and the LGBT community. We are the party that is supported by the racists at Fox “News”. We are the party that is in bed with the NRA, one of the most evil organizations in the country. 

Wait. Where was I going with this?

When I look at MK’s post, I really struggle with disagreeing with any of it other than the union part. She stands for values that are moral and humane, I’m not quite sure how you could disagree with them. Oh my God, does that mean I’m a liberal? A progressive, a socialist, a Democrat? I’m definitely not a Democrat, I still despise Hillary Clinton, and I find many of the Democrats like Bernie Sanders and Nancy Pelosi to be awful politicians and leaders. But I did vote for Mrs. Clinton over the horrible excuse of a human being who is currently the president, and I will continue to vote straight party Democrat at least until he is out of office.

But as is apparent from the various actions noted above, this president is only part of the problem, we as the Republican Party are the root of the problem. So did we change or did I change? I think a little bit (or a lot) of both. Over the last several years, various hard-core conservative factions of the Republican Party have emerged, espousing various forms of greed, exclusion and racism. Over the last several years, my faith, my commitment to being a devoted follower of Jesus Christ has left me unable to ignore the huge divide in this country and world between those who have and those who don’t. Quite frankly, it’s just overwhelming to me.

If I can’t live with the ways of the current Republican Party, and I can’t overcome my 50 years or so of disliking the Democratic Party, where does that leave me? Well, I’ve been thinking about that a lot, and I keep going back to a sermon the Reverend Doctor Davis Chappell gave several years ago. He said people often ask him, would Jesus have been a Republican or a Democrat? Dr. Chappell said, “Jesus wasn’t a Republican. Jesus wasn’t a Democrat. Jesus was a radical.” I know many of my long-time friends would find this hard to believe, but I’ve actually strongly considered marching in protests against some of the atrocities going on in this country. I know what you all are thinking - old, white, conservative accountant Steve McCullough marching in protests? Yeah, it sounds really crazy after 58 years of being a good corporate citizen. And thinking about something and actually doing it are two different things. But I think it’s time to get radical.

Journey of Faith

Editor’s Note:  Last week I gave my Journey of Faith along with eight other incoming Elders at Shallowford Presbyterian Church.  Each story, each journey was beautiful in its own way, I was overwhelmed by the emotion and powerful stories of each person as they shared what God has meant to them in their lives.  I did this exercise about 25 years ago, the first time I became an Elder, so my journey is even further along, and my faith is even stronger.  As a very wise friend, Jeff Poynter, would say, I’m not at graduation day yet, so I still have a lot of growing to do.  There’s not a whole lot different than some of you have already read before, but here is my Journey of Faith as presented last week.

“Did you ever wonder where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?”

We’ll get to that in a few minutes. 

First, let me introduce myself since some of you don’t know me.

I’m Steve McCullough - 

• I'm a devoted follower of Jesus Christ and am thankful every day for the beauty of Grace.
• I've been married to my wife Laurel for over 35 years, and she's the best friend I've ever had.
• I have four children, Megan, Kelly, Patrick, and Sean, and I try my best to be a caring and loving father.
• I am currently the Chief Financial Officer for WIKA Americas, and I am responsible for North and South America.
• I currently serve on the Board of Trustees of United Theological Seminary in Dayton, Ohio.
• I have previously served as an Elder, Trustee and Deacon at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Dayton as well as on many different committees.

I like to look at my life in snapshots, times in my life when I needed God most, and of course, God was there.  I’ve chosen three snapshots to take a look back at.  They are:

A River Runs Through It

Several years ago, my brother Billy committed suicide.  There were three of us growing up, Billy was the oldest, and he was the extrovert.  He could talk to anyone, he had many friends, he had a way about him that endeared him to many people.  He was also an alcoholic.  He battled alcoholism for many years, and even when he tried to stop, he’d go into convulsions, his body couldn’t handle it.  So he gave up, he gave in and ended it.

If it were that simple, but there is a valley of depression that unfortunately runs through my family, I lost a great uncle to suicide, a great aunt, and then my brother.  While it’s painful to lose a sibling to suicide, it’s even harder for the parents, and I don’t think my Mom and Dad were ever the same.  We rarely talked about Billy over the years, my brother Jim and I would, we’d vent our anger, reminisce and laugh at the memories, and eventually come to terms with it.  But you never get over that nagging question, “what could I have done?”  While many suicides take loved ones by surprise, I don’t believe any of us were surprised.  Billy would wax philosophically about suicide growing up, he would talk about it like it was a badge of honor.  But even with that sneaking suspicion that you knew what was coming, still, what to do to prevent it?  I still don’t know, but I became passionate about the subject and committing that no matter what, I would do everything possible to prevent anyone I knew from doing this.  This would come in handy further down the road, but we’ll get to that. 

If you’re familiar with the movie, “A River Runs Through It”, there is a closing sermon delivered by Reverend Maclean after the death of his son.  In it, he says:

“Each one of us here today will, at one time in our lives, look upon a loved one and with need, ask the same question: ‘We are willing to help, God, but what, if anything, is needed?’  For it’s true we can seldom help those closest to us.  Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give, or more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so it is those whom we live with and should know who elude us, but we can still love them.  We can love completely without complete understanding.”

Love Endures All Things

Many years ago, I reached the conclusion that my marriage to Laurel wasn’t working.  I didn’t see a future for us together, and I determined that it would be best for each of us to find our true soulmate, the one who could make us the happiest.  Maybe I had watched too many movies, too much TV, not sure what it was, but I believed there was something better, something bigger out there.   I left, I became a vagabond of sorts.  I lived on friend’s floors, in their spare rooms, I eventually got an apartment of my own. 

The whole time, Laurel never gave up, who knows why.  I gave her every reason to give up on me, in some ways I kept believing, if she were really smart, really strong, she would just say the hell with me, and move on.  But she didn’t, she never gave up, she never gave in, she kept pushing and pushing me to come back.  I found out how strong, how committed, how dedicated she was.  She believed in our marriage, she was committed to our marriage, and because of her ability to endure all things, we are still together today.  If it weren’t for her, who knows what Megan and Kelly’s lives would have been like and of course, Patrick and Sean would have never been born.  Her love and commitment changed our lives completely.

Unfortunately, while Laurel forgave me, gave me my life back, I couldn’t forgive myself.  I’ve spent the past 25+ years beating myself up and fearing how God would punish me for what I did.  As a great theologian said to me a few months ago, “I’ve discovered in myself that this is my desire to boot God from the seat of judgment and place myself there.” 

I also had a major epiphany on Christmas Eve when Chris reminded us of the words of wisdom from our friend Linus, “Fear Not”.  Those tiny two words, repeated by a tiny cartoon character many years ago, brought into focus once again, what has held me back for so many years.  Stuck agonizing over my past failures, fearing what the future holds in store, wanting to take control from God, which I know is ludicrous and makes no sense, and those two words brought it all back into focus for me.  I can’t change the past, and in so many ways, I wouldn’t.  While I have some huge black marks on me from my past, I also have thousands or millions of things of beauty that define my past.  I can’t control the future, and quite frankly, I’m pretty sure that God has a better idea of what my future should look like than I do.  I need to learn to accept that.  I need to stay in the present, be the best me in the present, which will help me be a better person in the future.

Providence

Let me take you back five years ago to 2013 and when all hell broke loose for our son Patrick and the rest of the family as well.  Patrick had just gone back for his second semester of his sophomore year at Grove City College in Pennsylvania.  In January, we started getting some distressing calls.  Just a few weeks earlier, he had seemed very happy, but that had changed dramatically.  As the weeks went by, he was plummeting.  Each conversation was getting deeper and deeper into depression.  I finally told him, if he wanted to come home, just come home.  He then said the words that no parent ever wants to hear.  He said, “you won’t be disappointed in me?”  I told him no, I could never be disappointed in him. 

Unfortunately, he didn’t come home soon enough, and we got a call from the counselor on campus that Patrick was planning to commit suicide, and he wanted to admit him to a local psychiatric hospital.  This was our first experience with a psychiatric hospital, and we learned a lot, particularly patience.  Imagine yourself as a parent, and your child is five or six states away, and he is in a psychiatric hospital that you’ve never seen, and you can only talk to him once a day?  We patiently would wait for that time each evening, when we would get 10-15 minutes on the phone with Patrick, and try to decipher what was going on.  As soon as we were able, Laurel and Kelly got a flight up to Pennsylvania to see Patrick in the hospital, which gave us a whole lot of comfort.  We were eventually able to secure Patrick’s release from the psychiatric hospital, and we were able to bring him home.

When we brought Patrick home, we had some significant adjustments to make.  We hid all of the knives in the house, or anything else that we believed he could hurt himself with.  Laurel spent many nights sleeping in the spare bed in Patrick’s room to make sure that he didn’t hurt himself.   But the pain for all of us was just beginning.  Shortly after Patrick came home, Patrick revealed the one night at dinner what had led him to want to commit suicide.  He revealed that his private music teacher from his middle school and high school years had sexually abused him. 

I have to admit that when I heard what had happened, I had no reaction.  No anger, no tears, no nothing.  I was stone cold in my emotions, I was completely numb.  It wasn’t for about another week or so, as I was driving down the road, and all of a sudden, the damn burst.  The tears, the anger, the hate burst forward, I flooded with emotions, and couldn’t control them.  I desperately wanted to hurt or kill the person who had brought this devastation down on my son, but I knew that wasn’t the solution.

My morning runs progressed through my emotions, as I worked through the pain and the anger.  Initially, my prayers would be “please get the devil off my back, dear God, don’t let me do anything stupid.”  I’d work my way to “please heal Patrick dear Lord, please heal him.”  I never worked up to the ultimate prayer, “Thy will be done, Lord, thy will be done.”  That is always the most difficult prayer, and I just couldn’t bring myself to that prayer.

Each day with Patrick was an adventure, he had become a box of chocolates.  You never knew what the day would bring.  I remember one morning, as we sat at the breakfast table, Laurel just burst into tears.  I have to admit, this was a major “oh shit” moment for me, she has always been the strong one, and she was broken.  I remember so many nights going to bed and praying to God, I just can’t take this anymore, I just can’t do this.  And I’d wake up, and do it all over again.  The funny thing was, I’ve never been closer to God in my life.  I had given up, I had given in to God, I had finally acknowledged, I can’t do this by myself. 

Eventually, Patrick progressed, he climbed out of the depths, through various counselors and medication, he emerged from the depths of hell.  He was able to go back to school, to Oglethorpe University, and that was mainly because we wanted to keep him close by.  Unfortunately, he has fallen far away from God and is angry at God for letting this happen.

We still had some rocky moments along the way.  Patrick still has his moments, he can dip into depression at times, and at times, he can plummet into depression.  The one night, somewhere around midnight, we got a call from Patrick, from up in Providence, where he is in grad school.  He was completely irrational, crying uncontrollably, talking gibberish, making no sense at all.  As each of us talked to him and tried to gain some understanding and tried to calm him down, Laurel finally asked the important question.  Are you still taking your medicine?  Apparently he had quit taking it a few days ago, and I guess, this was the outcome.  I’m not sure if you have been down the road of trying to talk rationally to a completely irrational person, but it’s not easy.  The common mantra was he’s a terrible person, he doesn’t deserve to live, and he just wants the pain to go away.

As I sat there, trying to wake up, get my senses, figure out how to rationalize with him, it hit me, as it has before, this is probably going to be our reality for as long as he lives.  He will go along, seeming to be fine, and then there will be something, that sets him over the edge, and we will be back in crisis mode again.  The key though is as long as he is alive.  I watched what it did to my parents when my brother committed suicide, and they were never the same again.  I will gladly take nights like that over the alternative.  We will continue to have to talk him off of the proverbial ledge probably over and over again.

One last thing and then I’m done.  I have to confess, I’m a sermon geek.  I love great sermons.  I download them, I print them, I carry them with me, I refer back to them, I share them with people, I use them in my blog posts.  I can visualize the sermon being delivered, I can hear them still in my mind.  Whether it’s “A Rose in Winter”, “Play the Ball Where the Monkey Drops It”, “Take This One Literally”, “Being Uncertain”, I carry them, I go back to them, I visualize them.  I can see and hear Chris saying “tattoo this on your arm”, Bradley ripping up her planner or Catherine talking about that one thing.  Many have told me I’m a wellspring of useless information, but I disagree when it comes to sermons, they have gotten me through a great deal in my life.

So getting back to it.  Back on November 12, 1995, Sandy McConnel preached “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”.  While there have been many sermons I quote and go back to, this is probably my “go to” sermon.  Sandy paints the picture of when the Edmund Fitzgerald sank that day, and the song Gordon Lightfoot penned about the tragedy.  The line above is from the song, and I can still hear Sandy saying that line, and the utter silence in the sanctuary when he said it:

“Did you ever wonder where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?”

“When the Edmund Fitzgerald went down in Lake Superior, God was not present to intervene and prevent the wreck, but nonetheless God was not absent.  God was then and is now mysteriously and powerfully with us, deep in the heart of life: participating in what happens with us and through us; offering faith and courage, even in the midst of tragedies; assuring us that the risk and pain of trying to care and to be creative are worthwhile.  The God who does not intervene, who cannot be seen is yet present as the Spirit of all that is.  God is willing to share in all the consequences of creation – including evil and suffering – and God is seeking to transform them through love.”

Amen, and thank you for listening.

For the Students

Editor's Note:  I was honored to be asked to speak at the induction ceremony for Sigma Beta Delta at Georgia Gwinnett College.  Sigma Beta Delta is an Honor Society for top students, which I definitely would not have been a part of in my college years.  Several of them are my former students, and I really enjoyed this opportunity.  There is nothing earth-shattering in what I said, but I hope that some of the students came away with something to help them as they begin their careers.

I’d like to thank Sigma Beta Delta, the faculty and administration of Georgia Gwinnett College, the students, parents and family and friends for this opportunity to say a few words.  First, let me introduce myself.

I’m Steve McCullough.  I’m a devoted follower of Jesus Christ and am thankful every day for the beauty of Grace.  I’ve been married to my wife Laurel for over 35 years, and she’s the best friend I’ve ever had.  I have four children, Megan, Kelly, Patrick and Sean, and I try my best to be a caring and loving father.  I am currently the Chief Financial Officer for WIKA Americas, and I am responsible for North and South America.  WIKA is a German-based company and is a global market leader in pressure, temperature, level, flow and force measurement technology.  I currently serve on the Board of Trustees of United Theological Seminary in Dayton, Ohio and as an Elder at Shallowford Presbyterian Church.  And for seven years, I was an Adjunct Accounting Professor at Georgia Gwinnett College until last spring.  Previously, I’ve worked at Barco, a Belgian company, which was in large screen visualization, and at Deloitte, or when I worked there, Deloitte & Touche, an international public accounting firm.  I have an MBA and I’m a Certified Public Accountant.

As I prepared for tonight, I thought long and hard about what I would say to you.  I’ve been blessed to hear some great speeches at various graduations and other ceremonies from some very impressive people.  Some went a bit too long, and some were just right.  Based on that experience, I plan to err on the side of either just right or too short, because it can get ugly when you go too long. 

I thought about what do students want to hear when they are either graduating or getting close to graduation?  So I did my best to think back over my 30+ year career, and keep in mind, I’m old, so it’s been a long time since I’ve been in your seats.  I have 10 points to share, so here goes.

• Who are you? - Within my introduction lies my first point to you.  Always remember what are the most important parts of your life.  As we go into the work environment or the business world, we oftentimes let that define us.  You meet people or you see old friends, and the question comes up, “what do you do?”  The normal or immediate reaction is, “I’m the CFO at WIKA”.  Well, no, most importantly, I’m devoted to Jesus Christ, I’m married to Laurel, and I’m Megan, Kelly, Patrick and Sean’s Dad, and … Don’t get me wrong, my job is very important, but that’s by far not the most important thing in my life, but we’ll get to that in a few moments.  And pay attention about the adjunct professor part, we’ll get to that in a few moments too.

• You know more than you think you know – I remember way back when I started my career.  I was in public accounting, going out on my first audit assignment.  I started thinking, I have no idea what I’m doing.  They’re going to figure out I don’t belong here.  After a few weeks or a few months, I started settling in and realizing I knew more than I gave myself credit for.  Well guess what?  I’ve had those moments throughout my career.  You will find yourself in situations as you go along where you start wondering, what am I doing here, I don’t belong.  Take a deep breath, think back to your education and experience, and work your way through.  You can do hard things.

• Do what you love – I’ve told my children to pursue those areas that they love, or think they’d love to work in.  You spend a long time working, if you can do what you have a passion for, you will be much better off.  Having said that, there may be limitations on this.  For example, my sons Patrick and Sean would both like to teach at the college level.  Those jobs are becoming more and more scarce.  They are also not huge fans of the corporate world.  They may have a difficult road to hoe if they want to follow their passion.  I still encourage them though to follow that path to the best of their ability.

• And if you can’t be with the one you love – I know it may sound crazy to you, but I didn’t grow up dreaming of being a CFO.  Actually, I wanted to be a baseball player, but that didn’t work out, so I tried becoming a journalist.  When I was graduating from college, if every journalist in the country died at that time, there would be someone coming out of college to replace them.  The market was that saturated.  So I went to graduate school, got my MBA, my CPA, and went into public accounting.  That didn’t mean that I gave up my desire to write, or also, another desire, to teach.  Throughout my career, I’ve taken the opportunity to use my writing skills at work, and also have taught many training courses in the various roles I’ve had.  And eventually, I was able to teach here.  Just because you didn’t get a job in the area or discipline you love the most doesn’t mean you can’t utilize those skills in the job you do have.

• You have to be able to look in the mirror each day – Don’t ever sacrifice your ethics.  You will get many opportunities to do this over your career, but you have to be able to look at yourself each day.  I worked once for a gentleman, who was incredibly successful.  But oftentimes he didn’t pay his subcontractors or vendors, and he lied to his employees continually.  He was worth millions of dollars, but what was the price?  You have to be able to live with your actions, and no amount of money is worth your good name.  Now, it may not always be easy to determine what crosses the line of good ethics.  I used to play a game in class called, “Fifty Shades of Fraud”.  It would be interesting what students thought crossed the line or not.  A great rule of thumb I’ve used is, “how would you feel if your Mom found out what you did?”  If you’d be embarrassed, then you probably shouldn’t do it.

• No one is a peon – When I was General Manager at Barco Simulation, our receptionist came to me the one time, and she made the comment, “well I’m just a peon”.  It takes a lot to make me angry, but this made me angry.  I called her into my office, and we had a little talk.  My Dad quit school when he was 16 and drove a truck.  He eventually got his GED, and he eventually became a manager of a truck terminal.  One of the greatest lessons he ever taught me was that you never disrespect anyone for the job they do.  Every job is important, every person is important.  As I told our receptionist, she is the first voice, the first face people see when they call us or come in the door.  She is vitally important to our company, as is everyone else.

• Work hard…while you’re at work – A few years ago, we had two interns at WIKA, one was one of my former students, Corey Christopher, and the other was from a much more prestigious school locally.  My staff fell in love with Corey, and not so much with the other gentleman.  The reason?  Corey would do all of his work, and when he was done, he would ask what else anyone needed him to do.  No job was beneath him.  The other gentleman?  Not so much.  At the end of the internship, we brought Corey back to work for us for a few semesters until he left GGC.  My staff loved him, we wrote him reference letters, it was a great experience for Corey and for us.  And it was fairly simple, Corey worked hard, and he always volunteered to do whatever was needed.  That’s how you get noticed. 

• Choose Your Attitude – We spend a lot of time at work.  You can choose to be miserable, and make the people around you miserable, or you can choose to make the best of your day together.  You need to celebrate your successes, and celebrate your colleagues’ successes.  Years ago, I read something that has stuck with me for many years.  It says:

     “As you enter this place of work, please choose to make today a great day. Your colleagues, customers, team members, and you yourself will be thankful. Find ways to play. We can be serious about our work without being serious about ourselves. Stay focused in order to be present when your customers and team members most need you. And should you feel your energy lapsing, try this surefire remedy. Find someone who needs a helping hand, a word of support, or a good ear – and make their day.”

•  But, when you’re not at work, be completely present at home (or do as I say not as I did) – For several years, when I worked at Barco, I gave up my role as a father.  When I was General Manager at Barco Simulation, I traveled constantly to the point of missing every birthday and my anniversary for at least one year.  I missed school events, I missed soccer games, I was one of those stereotypical bad Disney Dads.  I used to say, I bleed Barco red.  My whole existence revolved around my career, I defined myself by my job at Barco.  I can assure you based on my 30+ years of experience, I’m not the type of employee that I would want working for me, and most people don’t want someone like me, or at least who I was.  The best employees are the ones who have balance in their lives.  You need to have a personal life, you need to spend quality time with family, with friends, volunteering, whatever it is to achieve balance in your life.  As noted, work hard while you’re at work, but when you’re not, put work behind you, and spend quality time with the ones you love.  It will make you a better person to be around, and your colleagues will appreciate that.

• You’re never too old to change – After leaving teaching here, I needed something to fill that void.  Now it wasn’t like I was bored, I still had a full time job, but I wanted more to do.  So I started taking yoga with Laurel.  After 57 years of never stretching, this was a huge step for me, but Laurel really wanted me to try it.  I’m now going to yoga probably 2-4 times a week.  Why didn’t I ever stretch?  Because it hurts like hell, my hamstrings are awful, my quads are awful, and most likely they always will be, and it still hurts like hell, but at least I’m giving it my best every time I go.  It has made a huge difference in my life.

But the bigger change and difference came in my life about 10 years ago.  After 20+ years of putting my work and my career ahead of my family, I changed about 10 years ago.  I finally realized what the most important things in life are.  While my career is still important to me, it pales in comparison to the most important parts of my life.  Just like those old sayings go, I can’t get that time back, I can’t change the past.  But I can change the present, and I can make my future better.  I would hope that maybe you could learn from an old guy, and not find this out the hard way. 

One last thing and then I’m done.

Getting back to that adjunct professor thing – I taught here for seven years.  It was probably the best time I’ve had in my career.  While it was difficult, I had a full time job, I was teaching at night, I was preparing all weekend, I’d be watching Dr. Weisel’s videos, and Laurel would say, “oh good, another accounting video to watch”, but I loved teaching, and I loved the classroom.  I had great help from the faculty here, the people I worked with have amazing dedication and passion for what they do.  Most of all, I loved the students.  I decided to teach here to “give back”, to try to be an educator and mentor to students, but it was amazing all that I learned and gained from the students.  I was blessed with some great people I encountered and got to know, and I learned a great deal more than what I taught them.  Even though I haven’t taught her for about a year, I still always tell people I taught at Georgia Gwinnett College because of my excitement and enthusiasm for this place.  It’s left a permanent mark on my heart.

As you’re getting ready to leave here, whether it’s this year or in a year or two, be confident in what you have to offer.  You have been prepared by some great faculty, and you can do great things. Pursue what you are passionate about.  Work hard, but also enjoy your life.  Have fun.  Respect your colleagues, treat them well, and respect yourself, and don’t do anything you’d regret.  In closing, I’d like to share with you one of my favorite quotes:

When he retired from the Supreme Court, Justice Thurgood Marshall was asked of what accomplishment he was most proud.  He answered simply, "That I did the best I could with what I had."

I hope to be able to say that one day, and I hope that you can too.  Thank you.

My Mom is Going to Kill Me!

“He has told you , O mortal, what is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

But to do justice, and to love kindness,

And to walk humbly with your God” Micah 6:8

“Now if you are unwilling to serve the Lord,

Choose this day whom you will serve,…

But as for me and my house,

We will serve the Lord” Joshua 24:15

About 12 years ago when we moved to Georgia, we left Megan and Kelly behind in Dayton.  Both were in college at the time, and we didn’t want to disrupt that, so Laurel, Sean, Patrick and me moved to Georgia, and we got an apartment for Megan and Kelly in Dayton. 

The next summer, the girls moved to Georgia, and the first Saturday they were here, Kelly and the boys were headed up to the pool.  They went out the door and about a minute later, Kelly was back in the house.  She said, “I figured the boys would tell you before too long, so I better tell you now”.  In those few brief seconds, probably a hundred different horrible possibilities flew through my head at least, but then Kelly lifted her shirt to show a tattoo she had gotten.  You wouldn’t imagine the huge relief I had, it paled compared to all of the things I imagined.

Twelve years later, after a trip to Asheville to visit Dave Carr, a bond of getting a tattoo together with a dear friend, and the unfortunate timing of visiting my Mom the next weekend, and I’m sitting here thinking, my Mom is going to kill me.  What to do?  How can I explain this?  Who can I blame….

I’ll blame Dave Carr! – Dave has always been that “sandpaper on my soul”.  A group of us formed our small group at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Dayton back in the late 90’s, and we’ve largely been together ever since.  With any group, we’re an eclectic mix, some conservative, some liberal, both theologically and politically, I tend to lean conservative on many issues, both politically and theologically, Dave tends to lean the other way.  Over time, largely due to my small group, my leaning has softened, I’m still a conservative in many respects, but I’m much more willing to listen to the liberal viewpoint. 

As I noted, Dave has always been the “sandpaper on my soul”.  We have always said in the small group, “when I grow up, I want to be like Dave Carr”.  Dave reads, he listens, he studies, he meditates, he thinks.  He has always challenged me, and I can’t always say I’ve enjoyed those challenges.  But I can unequivocally say, I’m a better person because of those challenges.  Dave, and all of my small group members, has made me a much better person.

But it’s more than that.  There have been times where I’ve faced struggles, and I’d be driving to work in the morning, and my phone would be ringing.  I’d look down, and see it was Dave on the line.  Now, I don’t know about everyone, but I know when I am wallowing in self-pity, I like to stay there.  But, I’d answer the phone, and Dave wouldn’t allow that.  He would check in, see how I was doing, and ensure I was pointed forward rather than backward. 

Two years ago, Dave and I tried to convince the entire small group to get tattoos together, and that was met with a resounding thud.  No takers.  When I told Dave I wanted to get one, and I told him what I wanted to get, he said, “Let’s get it together.”  So, it’s Dave’s fault. 

But no, Mom would never buy into blaming one of my small group, she knows what they all mean to me, she knows what good men they are, that won’t work, so maybe ….

I’ll blame Chris Henry! – It was Chris who said, “If you want to choose a Scripture to take literally, to make the center of your Christian discipleship, to shout on the streets, write on a sign, tape on the wall or tattoo on your arm, this is the one.”  Last year, when I was first contemplating getting a tattoo, and Laurel and I were “negotiating” it, we were sitting in church, and Chris spoke that line.  I turned to Laurel, and gave her that look, “See!  Chris said I should get a tattoo!”  I was sold then. 

Mom would believe it, she has heard me sing Chris’ praises.  She knows if Chris said to do it, I’d do it.  Recently, we were invited to a fundraising lunch for Columbia Theological Seminary.  A young lady called Laurel asking if we’d attend, and when Laurel asked me, I said no.  Then I got an e-mail from Chris asking if we’d come, and I told Laurel we were going.  She got mad at me, and said that was the same event she had asked me about.  She said she told the young lady from Columbia, you should have just had Chris invite Steve, that way you’d know he would come.

And that is the power and the draw of Chris Henry.  As I’ve been preparing for this weekend, I’ve re-read his sermon with the “tattoo” line in it several times.  It was last April, “Take This One Literally: The Art of Neighboring”.  As I’ve re-read it, I started thinking, this may have been his best sermon.  But then again, most of the time, when I read his sermons, I think, this may have been his best sermon.  The dilemma I faced was that the sermon was referencing two passages from the Bible, and the key one for me at least was Matthew 22:36-40.  It wasn’t in my plans, but it’s so incredible.  Love God, love your neighbor.  The crux of being a Christian.  But I digress, I’ll get there in a minute.

No, I can’t blame Chris.  Wow, I can’t imagine how that conversation would go.  So maybe ….

I’ll blame Laurel! – I wasn’t completely sold on this tattoo idea until I started going to yoga with Laurel.  She has been begging me to go to yoga for years, and I finally succumbed last summer.  It has been one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.  So many of these people that teach yoga and go to yoga classes have tattoos.  And so many of them are such incredibly nice people.  They have such an inner peace, they embrace the concepts of yoga, they live the practice.  I’ve gotten to the point that I look forward to seeing some of the people we practice yoga with as much as the practice itself.  There must be some correlation here, not sure what it is, but how could I go wrong? 

So, it must be Laurel’s fault.  But no, I really can’t blame Laurel.  Yoga has been one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life, and Mom loves Laurel for the beautiful child of God she is.  No, that won’t work.  Maybe ….

I’ll blame God! – Ah, too many people have tried that, and really, I can’t go there.  Well, …

I’ll blame me – Yes, it’s time to face my Mom and say, blame me.  Blame me because I need a constant reminder of what the Lord requires of me and who I am to serve.  It’s not enough that I look at those passages every single time I open the Bible, I need to tattoo them on my arms to remind me constantly what I’m supposed to do.  If I could carve them into my heart, I would do that too. 

It was easy to decide on Micah 6:8, that has been my “go to” scripture for as long as I can remember.  I think many of us from Westminster lived that one, our youth choirs often sang this, and so many of us grew up with children in the youth choirs, I guess it just became emblazoned in our souls.  I’ve always loved this scripture, but I need a constant reminder of it, and how to live it.  When I told Dave that was what I wanted to get as a tattoo, he was all in.

Joshua 24:15 seemed to have its own spiritual force, and to be honest, I can’t explain it.  Kelly got us a picture that we hung in our kitchen, which was this verse, so I get to see it, and embrace it every morning.  Then, I was asked to join the Stewardship Committee this year at Shallowford, and the theme was Joshua 24:15, and I have to admit, I got goosebumps.  It seemed to have a life of its own.

Which brought me to my dilemma.  How could I ignore the pull of Matthew 22:36-40?  That was the one of course that Chris said, “tattoo it on your arm”.  Yes, quite a struggle for me.  I was set on Micah 6:8, but should I abandon Joshua 24:15?  In the end, I stuck with “my house will serve the Lord”, which to me also means I will love God and love my neighbor.  But I have also thought, what other appendage could use a tattoo?  But again, I digress.

One last thing and then I’m done.  A dear friend Jeff Poynter shared his daughter Riley’s blog about her internship with Engineering Ministries International.  He commented, “It may rival your writing ability!”  Quite frankly, no, it far surpasses it.  As I have often found in life, we can really learn a lot from the younger generations, they have so much to offer if we’d just listen.  She has some beautiful words about her internship, but a few points I loved from the very beginning.  She talks about “wasteful adoration” and “thanksgiving”.  And yes, my tattoos are wasteful adoration.  God knows what is in my heart, I don’t need to tattoo it on my arm.  But my thankfulness for all He has given me makes me want to shout it on the streets, write it on a sign, tape it on a wall, and yes, tattoo it on my arm.  Blame me. 

“If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I”

Recruitment Video for Riley Run Benefiting the Amanda Riley Foundation