How Long Must We Sing This Song?

I can't believe the news today

Oh, I can't close my eyes

And make it go away

How long?

How long must we sing this song?

How long, how long?

When I got the call from my brother Jim about 10 o’clock on Thursday night, lying in my hotel room, that line just kept running through my head.  How long must we sing this song? My nephew Michael had passed, he overdosed on drugs, and really, in regard to that part of it, that’s all I know, and to be honest, I really don’t want or need to know anymore.  I woke up many times that night, kept thinking, did this really happen, and then would realize, yes, it had.  I couldn’t make it go away, no matter how hard I tried.

Whether it’s depression, suicide, alcohol, drugs, addiction, an overdose, my due apologies to Shakespeare for butchering his beautiful line, but “a rose by any other name would smell as putrid”.  I know I have no facts, no statistics, purely anecdotal, but I just feel like we are losing way too many young people, and as I note, I really don’t care which one it is or was, it’s devastating to lose any one of them.  I’ve just grown too weary of seemingly fighting a losing battle.  But those of you who know me, you do know, I won’t ever give up this fight. 

While I know a lot about depression, and far more than I’d like about suicide, I know absolutely nothing about addiction or the potential result, an overdose.  I’m pretty passionate about depression and suicide, and I found I met my match in my niece Molly when it comes to addiction.  As we talked, what struck me was one of my favorite lines that I’ve learned from our yoga instructor, Megan Kearney:  “Your brain is lying to you”.  I’ve found so many times through my life through depression that my brain lies to me, and it tells me that I don’t need help, I don’t need counseling, whatever.  It would appear from talking to Molly that those who suffer from addiction face a similar battle against a lying brain.

While there are many who would love to help those of us with depression or addiction issues, sadly, it’s not an easy road to help those in need.  It has to come from within them for a change to happen.  Jim had said to me that he feels like he failed, he should have done more.  I feel the same way, Laurel and I had thought about buying Michael a yoga book that dealt with addiction, I had thought about reaching out to Michael, and I didn’t.  So I also carry a certain level of guilt.  But, as I said, it comes from within the person, and until they see a change is needed, it just won’t happen.  I’ve often quoted the following from “A River Runs Through It”.  It is from a sermon from Reverend Maclean after the death of his son, and unfortunately, there is too much truth to it.

“Each one of us here today will, at one time in our lives, look upon a loved one and with need, ask the same question: ‘We are willing to help, God, but what, if anything, is needed?’  For it’s true we can seldom help those closest to us.  Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give, or more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so it is those whom we live with and should know who elude us, but we can still love them.  We can love completely without complete understanding.”

So again, I ain’t giving up, but this time, I’m going to take a completely different approach to see if I can gain some traction.  And as people who know me know, my goal with a blog post is to reach one person.  If one person reads this, and they get something out of it, I consider it a success.  I’ll call it the “It’s a Wonderful Life” approach, and again, my apologies to Shakespeare, who I keep butchering, “I come to praise Michael, not to bury him”.  I remember:

• I remember when Michael was a baby, when he was a toddler.  He had a big, round head, but

even bigger brown eyes.  His eyes were so expressive, he was mischievous and laughed a lot.  One of my favorite stories was the time he was walking in the yard at my parents’ house, and he looked down, pointed and said, “Poop!  Right there!  Pappap, you clean it up!”  I’m not quite sure Pappap saw quite the humor we all saw, but we laughed and laughed.  Michael also always seemed to be at the center of everything.  The picture at the right is from one of our family reunions.  Michael is the

one in the red shirt and sunglasses being held by my Uncle Bob.  Each year, we would do family pictures for each of my Mom’s sisters and brother’s immediate families.  Michael appeared in every single family picture that year, wearing those sunglasses.

• Right after I got married to Laurel, Jim and I were taking a CPA review course, and we would be gone all day on Saturdays.  Michael and his sister Emily, who was one year older, would spend the day at my parents’ house with Laurel.  One thing about Michael, he really didn’t like to nap.  So when Jim and I would get home that early evening, Michael was pretty tired and grumpy.  I remember him standing up against the couch, and he’d be dead asleep.  You’d try to get him to lie down, but that would just make him mad.  Some other “moments” from those Saturdays that I loved:

• Laurel once got the wisdom of Solomon when Michael and Emily were fighting over an empty paper towel roll holder.  Just as she was cutting the cardboard in two, Michael screamed out, “Don’t cut it!”  Too late.  Michael was not a happy boy at that point.
• Dinnertime used to be a pleasure, as noted, Michael hadn’t napped, and he would just mumble and sit there dozing off.  He always wanted to sit by Pappap, even then Pappap was his favorite, and I remember Pappap asking him if he wanted ketchup on his hamburger.  Michael mumbled a bit, and I guess Pappap thought he wanted ketchup, and just as he squirted it on the burger, Michael started screaming.  Emily then interjected, “Pappap, Michael doesn’t like ketchup on his hamburger!”  It seems Pappap was the butt of a lot of these stories. 

• After we moved away, Laurel and I would visit periodically, over holidays or the summer.  Michael was extremely competitive, and I remember he’d want me to hit him fly balls, and he would practice catching them.  Sadly, I wasn’t always the best at hitting fly balls, and Michael would get so angry at me.  But that never matched the wrath I received when we’d play foosball.  It would typically be Jim and Emily against Michael and me.  I definitely wasn’t the best foosball player, and Michael let me know it when I screwed up.  If you could have seen the intensity when Jim or Emily scored, or Heaven forbid, beat us. 

• As years went by, the visits became less frequent.  When I was able to see Michael in the later years, as a teen or as a young adult, what amazed me was his relationship with my Dad.  I always struggled in my relationship with my Dad, but that was more about me rather than him.  Especially in the later years, it had a lot to do with patience, which I didn’t have enough of, but Michael, he had so much patience with my Dad.  If you could have seen them together, they would be talking to each other, and it wasn’t like there was anyone else in the room.  When Michael had troubles along the way, my Dad always defended Michael, he was always a huge fan.  And Michael always spent time, listening to my Dad, talking to him, being so much kinder and gentler to him than I ever was.  I envied him for their relationship, but I was so happy for the relationship they had.  More than

anything else, that was the biggest reason Michael always had a special place in my heart.

• In the last couple of years, what was amazing was seeing Michael with his children, Daphne and Elliot.  Remember those brown eyes I talked about when he was a baby and toddler?  If you could see those brown eyes light up around his children, it was magical.  They gave him such joy, and that joy showed so vividly when you saw Michael.  He was so patient and loving to Daphne and Elliot, I wish I could have been near the father he was.

Five snippets, five snapshots from a life too brief.  Michael really touched my life, he left me with many memories, but also with a very big hole for the memories that I won’t get to experience since he’s gone.  And the five memories I gave you pale in comparison to the 500 or 5,000 that his immediate family could share with you. 

As each of us ponders our life, who have we touched?  Who have we made a difference for in their lives?  I believe that if you think about it, you could come up with a great number of people who you have had an impact on, and who would really miss you if you were gone. When you make choices in your life, whether it’s suicide, addiction, drug or alcohol abuse, you are impacting more people than you could probably imagine.  Doesn’t that make it a life worth living? 

I would encourage you to take the “It’s a Wonderful Life” view and challenge yourself, what would the lives around me be like, if I would have never been born, or if I went away today.  I can unequivocally guarantee you, you will see that your life is worth more than you ever imagined.  And if you do see this, I will tell you in this case, your brain is not lying to you.

Planking Alone

I’ve never been one to do New Year’s resolutions, I just don’t see the point of them.  In most cases, New Year’s resolutions peter out once the initial drive dissipates.  But, I decided to try some changes early this year, and just like most things with me, I didn’t do it half ass, I did multiple changes.  And of course, I made Laurel join in the fun because, well, I wanted her to join in my fun.  I decided to try 30 days of each, and as noted, did them all together.  Thirty days with no internet, other than for work and banking.  Thirty days of no meat, except for fish.  And a thirty day plank challenge, which I found on the internet, before I started my 30 days of no internet, of course.  I had very mixed results, and the following summarizes how this experience went for me.  And Laurel.

No Meat

Bleah.  This one was no fun at all.  I have been wrestling with becoming a vegetarian for a while, and I also considered modifying it to allow fish in my diet.  This was my attempt at seeing if I could make this move.  I’ll preface this by saying, maybe if we were a bit more adventurous or imaginative, it may have been more successful, but as it was, it failed miserably.

I guess if we would have started from a point of being massive carnivores, this would have been a significant change.  But Laurel and I eat a pretty healthy diet, and really don’t eat a lot of meat, and if we do, it’s mostly chicken.  We eat some pork, we eat some burgers, but we’re not crazy meat eaters, we rarely ever eat steak. 

But eating fish every day can really get boring.  Maybe if we had a really good fish market nearby, it would be different, but our Publix only has so many options, and we got sick of the same 3 or 4 types of fish very quickly.  And as noted, we weren’t real imaginative, maybe if we would have found interesting or exciting fish recipes, it would have gone better, but we didn’t. 

I found it hard to believe, but I almost caved toward the end of the 30 days, I couldn’t take it anymore.  But, we made it, we went 30 days with no meat.  We quickly moved back to meat day 31, I couldn’t wait to get a good burger again.  The funny thing is that we are now mostly looking at fish when we go to the grocery store, but there’s some sort of freedom of not having to buy fish, it’s a choice now, not a requirement.

No Internet

I didn’t make Laurel join me on this one, I did this one alone.  A little background.  I just got sick of all of the negativity in the news on the internet and on social media.  What drove me over the top was an unlikely place.  Sports.  As many know, I’m a huge fan of Pittsburgh sports, so I follow a couple local Pittsburgh sports sites to get my daily dose of Pirates, Penguins, and to a lesser extent, Steelers.  It’s gotten to the point in all walks of life that we can’t seem to ever focus on the positives, we dwell on the negatives.  With sports, there doesn’t seem to be any difference.  I started noticing that even when the Pirates or Penguins won, a great deal of the story, and most of the comments, still found fault in something from the game.  We’ve grown to the point where winning just isn’t enough.  We want our teams to play to perfection, otherwise, we’re just not happy. 

I gave up the internet, as noted, I still had to stay on e-mail at work, and I had to continue to pay the bills, but no more MSN, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, DK on Sports, Facebook, Bloomberg, or any of the rest.  This one was so easy, and you know what?  I was so much happier, and I actually went a few extra days afterward, I enjoyed it so much.  I had stripped so much negativity out of my life.

I’ll have to admit, it was a bit disconcerting.  Having no idea what was going on in the world was scary.  I kept wondering if a war started or if a financial crisis occurred, would I know?  I figured, if it were big enough, someone would tell me.  I did have a few moments that made me realize, I had to get connected again. 

One of the situations was a funny one.  My staff came in for a morning meeting, and Nancy Cox-Lupori said to me, “What’s this merger for BB&T going to mean for us?”  I started laughing and said, “Nancy, you forget.  I’m off the internet, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”  She quickly told me about BB&T’s merger with SunTrust, and I was up to speed again.

The other one really bothered me.  A dear friend from our days in Dayton and mine at Barco, Kathi Keeler, lost her mother, and since I was disconnected, I didn’t find out for a week or so after she died.  I took that one badly as I would have liked to have been able to reach out to her sooner than that to express my condolences.  That one made me think that it’s not so good to be disconnected from the world.

What this also taught me was that I’m the one who controls all of this.  People can write all sorts of negative things, but one, I don’t have to read them, and two, I can decide how it impacts me.  I don’t have to get angry or upset over what someone says, I’m the one who is making that choice.  And as noted, I don’t have to read it.  Since I’ve been back on the internet, I think I’m making more constructive and healthy choices. 

30 Day Plank Challenge

As noted, I found this plank challenge on the internet, and it had a gradual progression of increasing the number of planks you did and the time you spent doing them each day.  It also called for doing different variations, straight-armed planks, forearm planks, hip dips, back and forth and up and down.  Some of these, particularly up and down, were not so easy.  Also as noted, I made Laurel do this one with me. 

While I run, and I do yoga, I’ve not been happy with my core, and I’m a firm believer that your core is critical to maintaining good physical health.  I used to do a lot more core work, but I’ve slacked off over the years, leading me to this challenge.  Plus, Danielle Mason at work has started calling me Steve McFatty and tells me I can’t have any more candy.  OK, she’s joking, but I still wasn’t happy with my core.

While we weren’t completely “religious” on this, it was supposed to be 30 days, and I think it took us 32 days or so to complete it, we did it to the end.  I will have to say also, it wasn’t easy.  Part of it had to do with my travel schedule.  I would call Laurel from my hotel room, and we would be planking together over the phone, timing our planks, helping each other through.  At the end, we were doing four one-minute planks to finish off the 30 days.

This was the one change I/we made that I really enjoyed, if you can call it enjoyment.  It was great to see or feel the progression and improvement that we made over the 30 days.  It was also nice to be doing this together and supporting each other with our planking challenge.  So we continued on our plank challenge for the next few months. 

As time has gone on, Laurel’s desire to plank has continued to dwindle.  To be fair to her, Laurel teaches yoga and takes yoga classes, and between the 10-15 classes she either takes or teaches each week, she does plenty of planking.  Between the 2-4 classes I take each week, I don’t do plenty of planking.

So I plank alone.  Once in a while, Laurel does join me, which is really helpful, because planking alone isn’t the most fun thing to do, but for the most part, I plank alone.  It’s been about four months now, and while I’m still not religious about it, I do a fair amount of planking each week.  Would you notice a difference in how I look?  Based on Danielle still calling me Steve McFatty, I don’t think so.  What’s more important though is I feel so much better.  My core feels stronger, and I firmly believe your core is critical to the rest of your body feeling better.

While I tend to be my harshest critic, I would say that my changes this year (please don’t call them New Year’s resolutions) were a huge success.  In summary:

•       We determined that we are not ready to become vegetarians.  I wish the experiment would have turned out differently, but we learned from it.  We like variety, we do eat fairly healthy other than all the sweets we unfortunately eat, but we do pretty well.  I’m happy with this one at the moment.
•       While I really loved the time away from the internet, I also realized how unrealistic that is.  I need to control what I read, and I need to control how I react to what I read.  As I say this, I realize how basic and simple this is, and I’m somewhat embarrassed to say it, but it’s true. 
•       I have come to “enjoy” planking, even if I have to plank alone.  Yes, I wish Laurel would plank with me, and I still really try to get her to join the fun, but I do understand, and I can accept this.  As I sit here tonight in my hotel room, should I call Laurel, see if she wants to plank with me over the phone?  No, I think I’ll plank alone.

Sinking Deep

Editor’s Note: I wrote a different version of this a few months ago, but I couldn’t publish it.  A few have read that version, so some of it may be familiar.  

“I don’t remember it being like this before”.

You know, on a certain level, she was right, Laurel is always right.

We were discussing one of my recent plunges downward, my dive into depression.  There are many things that can set it off.  Some of the recent ones included:

• Our family gathering for my Mom’s 90th birthday celebration.  As is usual, I looked forward to it so much, I enjoyed it so much, that afterward, I crashed.  Unfortunately, this is somewhat normal for me.

• Bennett White at WIKA lost his Mom, as did Kathi Keeler, a dear friend from Ohio, as did Megan Kearney at Ebb & Flow, back to back to back.  When I spoke to Bennett he talked about giving his Mom’s eulogy, and it rewoke in me memories of my Dad dying and all of the circumstances surrounding that.  Forgiveness, mainly self-forgiveness, is not an easy path for me.

• The United Methodist Church voting for The Traditional Plan which continues the denomination’s ban on ordination and marriage of the LGBTQ community.  This one hurt on many levels, but it leaves me with the difficult decision of whether to resign from the Board of Trustees of United Theological Seminary, a place, and people, that I love.

While I know that many of us can get sad under these circumstances, I can go pretty deep when life happens.  And as Laurel noted, it’s not been quite the same lately.  My dives downward had become more frequent and deeper.

After this interaction, I decided to write a blog post about my (limited) understanding of depression.  As I’ve noted before, I’ve lost three relatives to suicide, or depression, including my brother Billy, and my son Patrick battles it.  I’ve been able to write profusely about depression and its impact, using my brother Billy and Patrick as my main characters, but I’ve hidden behind the page, not admitting that so much of this applies to me too.  I didn’t want to admit it, I didn’t want to expose myself for who I am.

I was going to write about the frustration of going through depression, about the frustration of people asking you, “do you feel better now”?  No, I don’t feel better.  As I’ve noted, depression is terminal, it’s not something where you eventually get better, you may be able to manage it or deal with it through counseling or drugs, but you don’t “get better”.

I was going to write that I’ve chosen my own path, my own treatment, which is by no means the right answer for everyone.  Years ago, I took medication to even out the high’s and low’s, but I decided I didn’t want that anymore.  I’ve decided that for me to be the “best me”, I need to experience the “worst me”.  Through the pain of sinking deep I can develop a greater understanding of what others experience and I can really learn a great deal more about myself and grow as a person.

I was going to write that really this may not be the best approach for everyone, I’ve never really seriously considered suicide, so on a certain level, my depression isn’t as awful as some experience and it’s not life threatening.  For those who are at a deeper level, I’d suggest something more, most importantly, getting good counseling.  That is to me the key to getting through depression. But, good counseling is not so easy to come by.  I’ve been through many bad ones, and good ones are really hard to find.

I was going to write that I haven’t chosen the counseling path, with no good excuse, other than the fact that I am “religious” about listening to good sermons at church and really embracing them and studying them.  I’ve also been blessed by some incredible clergy at Shallowford Presbyterian Church, who in each of their own way, can bring compassion and meaningful dialogue to every situation.  Also, I listen intently at yoga to one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, Megan Kearney, who has taught me that “my brain is lying to me” and I need to sometimes tell my brain, “Wait.  Stop.  I’m not going there”, when my brain wants to take me down a painful path.  But, yes, I’m still very much a work in progress.

I was going to say all of that in my blog post to share what I’m going through to hopefully help those who are going through similar struggles because I firmly believe that we are all in this together, and we need to share the pain to help us all heal together.  But then, life happened again, but that’s another story, and that’s not my story….

Thankfully, something else happened, and that was Lent.  As simple as this may sound, it’s hard to believe what an impact Lent can have on all of us, and in this case, the impact it had on me.  As a part of our Lenten study in our adult education class, we started reading Adam Hamilton’s, “Simon Peter”.  So much of the story discusses those times when the waves are overwhelming, when you are “walking with Jesus in the storms”.  While the stories and the visions of waves and storms were inspirational, it also pointed me back to a great sermon from two years ago from Catherine Foster, “Get Back in the Boat”.  The pinnacle of the sermon told us while Peter walked on water, maybe we should be following a different path:

“When the setbacks and storms of life come, and they will, don’t try to get out of the boat and walk on water.  Stay in the boat, work with the brothers and sisters that God has placed at your side, look for God in the storm, and worship the Lord for His provision and grace.”

Lent happened, and I was able to remember and focus on what can get me through the waves and what can bring me back from the depths.  And you know, while those big things in life can send me deep, it’s often the really little things in life that can bring me back up again.  It’s been the little things that have raised me up, have brought me above the waves, and have kept me above the waves lately.  I sometimes marvel at how the simplest gestures in life, those moments that just take a few minutes or seconds, can mean so much, but they do.

Recently Laurel has been doing a “Five Things Friday”, those things that she has been thankful for.  I’ve loved reading those, she really put a lot of work into it, and they were so meaningful to read.  I’m not nearly as introspective as Laurel, but if I could just give a few of those little things that raised me up and helped me through the storms and the waves I’ve experienced the last few months, they would be:

• Holly Hahn texting me after yoga the one day and asking, “Are you OK?  You seemed sad today.”  Sometimes you don’t realize that people are paying attention and notice, and it’s comforting to know that.

• Bob Smithers sending me a note of thanks for a Clinging Cross I had sent him and how meaningful it was to him.

• Jeff Wood being the really proud Dad and showing me a video of his daughter hitting a game-winning home run in a college softball game.

• Sister Marita Beumer telling me how much my Journey of Faith meant to her when I gave it at United Theological Seminary, because it hit so close to home for her.

• Being a student in one of Laurel’s yoga classes.  While Laurel can often be self-deprecating, she is really good at teaching yoga, she is such a compassionate and caring person, and she exudes that when she is teaching.

OK, it’s clear from what I said before, the waves will keep coming, and I’ll be heading downward once life happens again.  But, I’m not as ill-prepared as I have been in the past.  While the waves seem to be pushing me deeper, I’m developing more and more the coping skills and the people around me that can help me through the storms.  As long as I use them of course.

"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."

A few months ago, after a difficult time, our daughter Kelly reached out to see if I wanted to spend some time together.  I told Kelly that I wouldn’t really be that much fun, I was pretty down.  Kelly replied back, “isn’t that when people are supposed to show up?”  Wow, she was right.

It was funny, the next morning, I saw a post on Facebook, it was Winnie the Pooh, Piglet and Eyeore.  As many know, I’m a huge Winnie the Pooh fan.  The post is about Eyeore being sad, and thinking he shouldn’t be around others, and the quote above is Winnie’s response.  So yes, we had Kelly over, I probably wasn’t a whole lot of fun, but it was so nice to have her company.  And Franklin and Rosie of course.

My final message to all of you.  There are many broken people out there.  Some are in your family, in your church, in your neighborhood, in your company.  Find them, reach out to them, even if they are feeling sad, or alone, or not much fun to be around, spend some time with them.  They will appreciate it, and so will you.

But my charge is to those of you, like me, who believe when you are in a deep dive, it is best to avoid people and be by yourself.  Don’t.  True friends are there for you anyway.  Let them in, let them just be there for you while you are sorting through whatever you are sorting through.  I know how hard it is to reach out to people and ask for prayers for whatever you are going through.  There are so many people out there who would love to be there, just to support you, just to pray for you.  It can make all the difference.  Let them in.

Riley Run 2019 Recruitment Video

Mary's Gone Old School On Us!

“Steve!  How are you?  I’ll be with you in just a minute!”

That was where I learned the beauty of great customer service. 

Many years ago, when we lived in Dayton, I would go to My Favorite Muffin in Centerville on Friday mornings as a treat to myself at the end of the week.  I’d get a latte, a muffin, and that was how I’d end the week.

The one day when I went in there, this woman yelled to me when I went through the door, “How are you!  We’ll be with you in a minute!”  Now, for those who don’t know me, I’m an introvert, and I’m really not much for a lot of social interaction.  I was a bit taken aback.  She then proceeded to engage in chit-chat, asking my name, asking how my day was, just being way too friendly for early on a Friday morning.

I went back the next week, and instead of a non-descript greeting, it was personalized, she shouted out my name.  Again, I was a bit uncomfortable, she was pushing me out of my comfort zone. 

But, you know what?  I started noticing something.  Each time I’d go into My Favorite Muffin, I would be transformed.  I’d get that greeting when I’d walk in the door, she’d interact with me and ask about me, my family, she’d ask about Laurel (yes, she even found out my wife’s name), and I found myself transformed by her effusive personality.  I noticed that as I was pushing the door open to leave, I had this huge smile on my face. 

The funny thing was, it changed my behavior.  Instead of just a Friday treat thing, My Favorite Muffin became a 2-3 times a week thing.  I loved the greeting, I loved the interaction, I loved hearing my name shouted out, “Steve, how are you!  We’ll be with you in a minute!”

That is where I learned, customer service really isn’t that hard.  We all want to feel special, and the first part of that, is our name.  Our name is special to us, we love to hear our name, and anytime a customer service representative uses our name, we feel special.  That is clearly the first part of it.  Learning a little bit about that person and acknowledging them as a person and not just a sale is also important.

Let me take it a step further.  There are various companies that like to collect your birthday in their records.  Many will give you a free something when your birthday comes, which is nice.  But what about those companies or stores that make sure they say something to you when you come in on or around your birthday?  Anytime that happens to me, I know I’m impressed with the personalized attention I get from that company.

As I’ve traveled a lot, I’ve built up a bazillion miles, points, etc.  What annoys me is when something goes wrong at an airline or hotel, and the simple or quick solution is to give me miles or points to appease me.  That is the last thing I want in these situations.  Rather than a quick e-mail and points, I’d much prefer a simple acknowledgement of the mistake, and a commitment to do better in the future.

While we all can come up with reasons or ways to bash various companies, I’ve found that Delta does an amazing job of dealing with issues like this.  If you travel 50% of the year, there is no doubt, something does and will go wrong.  I had one instance last year, where Delta really screwed up, and again, I travel a lot, and almost exclusively with Delta, so it was bound to happen.  I complained, and a Customer Service Manager responded with a sincere apology and an acknowledgement that, yes, they did screw up and they were sorry.  To be honest, that’s all that I would ever ask of anyone.  I don’t want points, I don’t want anything other than, yes, we made a mistake, we are sorry, and we will do our best to do better in the future.

Recently, my wife Laurel and I were in our Starbucks.  Mary came out and greeted me, she greeted Laurel, she knew my drink, and she knew what drink Laurel normally gets.  After she took our order, Laurel said, “Mary’s gone old school on us.”  Laurel was right, Mary is definitely old school, and that’s a good thing.

I hate to admit it, but I spend way too much time in Starbucks, that is a huge monkey on my back.  Years ago, Starbucks was big on knowing the customer, knowing their name, knowing their typical order.  Something changed along the way, and that all went away.

The Starbucks that I typically frequent has gone through many changes over the last 5-10 years, which is normal in this line of business.  But the store manager, Brian Federico, has done an amazing job of training his group of people.  They are really good, probably the best crew that has been there since I’ve been going to this store.  They are just so good at customer service, they know my name, they know Laurel’s name, they know my drink, they make me feel special every time I go in there.  That is great customer service, which comes from great leadership, it’s like I’m back at My Favorite Muffin in Centerville, Ohio.  And it has transformed me, it used to be I’d go to two or three local Starbucks, but now I go to this Starbucks almost exclusively because of how I’m treated.

As I often like to do, I have to at least share a learning moment that I experienced, where I failed, and in this case, it reflects that customer service, or kindness, can go both ways. 

I went into my Starbucks the one day, and there was a guy ahead of me in line that was texting, and calling and doing all sorts of things to determine an order for whomever was on the other end of the line.  I’m very much a Type A, I struggle with people who delay my progress.  His lack of clarity and purpose was disrupting that, and I was getting really tense wanting to move forward.  I looked to my left, and it was Max making the coffee.  That really set me over the top, Max was new, Max was slow, I was never going to get out of here.  I finally got to place my order, and I tried to calm myself for the long wait until Max finally made my coffee.  As I turned to my left, Max was standing there holding a drink, and said, “Here you go Steve, Grande Nonfat Latte, right?”.  I was amazed.  Max had grown up overnight, and had become a champion at customer service.  Since then I’ve discovered, Max is incredible, he really does a great job, and unfortunately, I didn’t have the patience to allow him to learn and develop as we all need to do.  Yeah, no doubt, I’ve beaten myself up many times over my lack of compassion for those trying to learn a new job, and this was a major learning moment for me.

I know, I know, I know, I’ve way oversimplified this.  Jerry Collier, our Vice President of Sales Operations at WIKA, would probably be telling me, “Steve, you don’t know jackshit about good customer service”.  And Jerry’s probably right because Jerry does know great customer service.  But I do know how I like to be treated.  And I do know, for the most part, when I treat people well and when I don’t.  I just don’t think good customer service is that hard because at the root, at the core, is simple kindness and compassion and getting to know your customer.  Treat people how you would like to be treated, and I think you’ll capture 98% of it.  And as I learned, it goes both ways.

I've Loved You For 1,000 Years, I'll Love You For 1,000 More!

It's Not Working

"Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, 'Love your enemies.' It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power.  And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals.  Just keep being friendly to that person.  Just keep loving them and they can't stand it too long.  Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning.  They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they'll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them.  And by the power of your love they will break down under the load.  That's love, you see.  It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love.  There's something about love that builds up and is creative.  There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive.  So love your enemies." - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I guess like most people, when tragedy hits close to home, it hurts a little bit more.  Two weeks ago, Antwan Toney, a Gwinnett County Police Officer was murdered doing his job in Snellville.  As he approached a suspicious car, without warning, the people inside the car shot him and killed him.  Like most people, I have a special place in my heart for police officers, I can’t imagine doing what they do.  Any police killing tears me up, but this one was so close to us.  I kept thinking, when I went to the Snellville Farmer’s Market each week, when there was a police officer stopping traffic to let Laurel and I cross, could Officer Toney have been one of those officers?  I couldn’t get that thought out of my mind.

Through the glory of God (OK, some people can chalk it up to something else, but I would disagree), I had perfect timing the day of Officer Toney’s funeral.  Just as I was crossing over 316 on Sugarloaf Parkway, a fire truck pulled up, and stopped traffic.  I was sitting with a direct sight line down 316.  First I saw the helicopter hovering to my right, and then I saw the sea of lights.  First the motorcycles, then the cruisers.  I sat there for 40 minutes watching the sea of lights, blue lights as far as you could see.  Yes, I teared up several times, one, for the loss of a precious life that didn’t need to be lost, and two, for the beauty of the mourning and celebration of his life.  It was an incredibly inspiring moment for me, and I’m so thankful I had the opportunity to experience it.

Last week, it was the mass shooting in Pittsburgh.  Eleven people were murdered at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Squirrel Hill.  I had just been in that neighborhood a couple months ago, my Small Group from my former church, Westminster Presbyterian Church, had our retreat in that area.  Laurel and Megan had come to the area also, and eventually Laurel and I met family there, we had both grown up in the Pittsburgh area.  As Laurel noted, we had driven by the Tree of Life Synagogue during our time there. 

I know so many of us can say this about where we’re from, but Pittsburgh is still home for us.  We grew up there, and there’s something special about Pittsburgh.  As I’ve seen so many times, it’s a small, big city.  There are so many quaint neighborhoods like Squirrel Hill where everyone knows everyone, and everyone on a certain level is family.  That family lost a great number of its members that day.  And that shot or those shots were heard and felt throughout our country. 

Yesterday, I saw a beautiful article in “The Athletic” from a young man named Yogi Roth, detailing his ties to this tragedy, and how it impacted him.  Don’t know if you are a subscriber to that website, but if you are, read it.  It’s a beautiful article.  He talks about his grandparents, who were Holocaust survivors, and one of the things they always told him was, “Yogi – Love Wins”.

Now, I have to tell you, I’m a huge advocate and proponent of “love wins”, but my faith and belief in this has been sorely shaken these last few weeks.  I’m struggling to see where love is winning.  No matter what side of whatever issue we are on, there is very little love being shown.  While Jesus told us one of the greatest commandments was “love your neighbor”, we are failing miserably at that directive.

Maybe it’s just the fact that it’s the campaign season, and we are being inundated with hate speech, but really, is it working?  Whether the issue is immigration, LGBT rights, abortion, gun control, is it really working?  We take up our sides, we hold firm to our arguments, and we steadfastly argue those talking points until we have exhausted ourselves or anyone willing to listen.

I yell at you, you yell louder at me, I punch you in the nose, you punch me in the mouth, I bloody your nose, you bloody my lip.  Are we really accomplishing anything?  Have we made any significant change in how anyone really believes?  It’s not working.

We recently had an Adult Education series where we studied the book, “Seeing Gray in a World of Black and White”.  We discussed so many of these issues where each of us takes a stand, and defend that stand to the death, rather than trying to see the perspective of the other person.  Again, it’s not working.

In irony, I was driving home the one day, and there was a segment from a woman who called herself an “Abortion Bridge Builder” or something like that.  She had been a person who advocated abortion rights, and she had been fighting this battle for many years, and she finally realized, it wasn’t working.  She mentioned an evangelical minister who had the same realization.  Each side had dug in their heals so deeply, and nothing was getting accomplished.  So she reached out to try to bridge the gap and see how each side could reach a viable compromise.  What was ironic was the ones who fought so hard against her were the ones she had sided with previously.  She was viewed as a traitor. 

We can continue to dig our heels in, and fight against each other, or we can try to determine where we have some common ground.  If you think about it, there are many people you love dearly, who you also disagree with on many issues.  Does it make sense to yell at them, disparage them, embarrass them, humiliate them?  Or could you seek to understand, could you try to seek a common ground, a way to at least disagree, but disagree with a greater understanding and some compassion?

Will this prevent the tragedies that I mentioned, will it prevent the next police officer from getting killed, or the next mass shooting?  In all honesty, probably not, at least on the short term.  On the longer term, we have a greater obligation to ourselves and to our children to take hatred out of our dialogue with each other.  We can’t let it take over our lives, we can’t let it govern how we treat each other. 

I’ll go back to the article from Yogi Roth.  Toward the end, he gives us all a charge, which I loved.  He said, “I hope you will take action, whether it’s by calling someone you love, praying for someone you love, or standing up for something you love”.  As noted, read the article if you can.  It’s really a great article.

I’m going to take this a step further. Practice random acts of kindness.  It’s really not that hard.  It can be people you know, or strangers.  Be kind.  Do you know what that does for them?  Kindness can be incredible.  Pay it forward.  Do something for someone, pay something for someone, give something to someone, and if they ask, just say, “when you get the opportunity, do it for someone else.”  If all of us did this, seriously, can you imagine the impact we would have?  And it’s not that hard.

I’ve seen it, you’ve seen it.  I’ve seen it in a big way from Jeff Poynter.  He’s the Church Administrator at First United Methodist Church in Lawrenceville.  Jeff decided to run a marathon, for the first time in his life, with four goals in mind: glorifying God; honoring Cliff Ramos and Donna Bennett in their fight with pancreatic cancer; raising $10,000 for the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network; and finishing the marathon.  Jeff blew past the $10,000 and raised over $42,000.  With the recent events, Jeff’s efforts went a long way toward firming up my belief that love does win.

But it doesn’t have to be something as grand and glorious as what Jeff did, it is oftentimes the simple things in life that can make a difference.  I’ve seen it from so many caring and loving people at Ebb & Flow, our yoga studio, I’ve seen it at Shallowford Presbyterian Church, I’ve seen it from my Small Group from my former church, I’ve seen it at WIKA, I’ve seen it in my neighborhood.  I’ve seen people reach out and help those who needed it, who have taken the time to care and nurture for others, who have just done something to make someone’s day. 

Just as hate didn’t win in the concentration camps in Germany during World War II, just as hate didn’t win when Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated in Memphis in 1968, just as hate didn’t win in New York on 9/11/01, hate didn’t win when Officer Toney was murdered or when those 11 people were murdered in Pittsburgh. 

So for anyone who wants to work from an agenda of hate, it’s not working.  And it will never work.  Yogi Roth is right, love wins.  Love won on the cross, and love will always win. So please, call someone you love.  Pray for someone you love.  Stand up for something you love.  And be kind.  Just be kind.  It can make all the difference.

Who Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

“He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much, who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men, and the love of little children, who has filled his niche and accomplished his task, who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul, who has never lacked appreciation of Earth’s beauty or failed to express it, who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had, whose life was an inspiration, whose memory is a benediction” – Bessie Anderson Stanley

Way back when I started my career, I used to post short term goals, and long term goals on my wall.  To be honest, I can’t remember anything other than my long term goal – to become commissioner of Major League Baseball.  Obviously that never worked out.  But I digress.

Our Small Group got together about a month ago for Katherine Ey's wedding, which was such a wonderful event, we had eight of our Small Group members and spouses there to celebrate with John and Beth Ey.  As we sat together late one evening, Nike Nihiser said to me, “I really don’t know how you write what you write.  One, you write so well, I could never write like you do, but you are so open, you put it all out there.  I could never share like that”.

It has probably been about 10 years since I started my blog.  One of our other Small Group members, Dave Carr, suggested it, and I started writing.  Our Small Group has always joked that when we grow up, we want to be Dave Carr.  Dave is a Renaissance man.  He reads, he journals, he blogs, he meditates, he thinks, he challenges.  Dave reaches out to those less fortunate, he follows what Jesus taught us about the “least of us”.  One of the things I love most about Dave is that he always works to be a “bridge builder”.  Whether he believes one way or another about a topic or issue, Dave will always reach out to those on the other side, try to understand their viewpoint, and try to figure out how to bridge the gap between the two sides. 

But the greatest thing I love about Dave is that he is so real.  When I first met Dave, years ago at Westminster Presbyterian Church, he seemed to be someone to put up on a pedestal.  As noted above, he was a Renaissance man, but I really didn’t know him until we went out to lunch the one day.  I found out, Dave wasn’t that different from me.  He had issues, fears, warts, Dave was real.  It’s funny, Dave ended up higher on that pedestal after I found out that he could open himself up so easily and admit what his flaws were.

Over the past several months, I’ve been re-immersing myself into one of my greatest heroes, Mr. Rogers.  With the recent documentary that came out, and the news of a movie coming starring Tom Hanks, I found my copy of “The World According to Mister Rogers” and started re-reading it, and also sharing it with people who I thought could use the inspirational words of Mr. Rogers. 

There are many nuggets of wisdom in the book, particularly surrounding the idea of “neighbors”, which isn’t unusual, considering Mr. Rogers’ theme of “won’t you be my neighbor”.  There’s a whole section that is titled, “We Are All Neighbors”, and it contains some of his greatest writings, such as:

“The more I think about it, the more I wonder if God and neighbor are somehow One.  “Loving God, Loving neighbor” – the same thing?  For me, coming to recognize that God loves every neighbor is the ultimate appreciation!”

“As different as we are from one another, as unique as each one of us is, we are much more the same than we are different.”

“Imagine what our real neighborhoods would be like if each of us offered, as a matter of course, just one kind word to another person.”

While Mr. Rogers’ thoughts and writings are incredible, what I had forgotten, and enjoyed the most, was the Foreword by Joanne Rogers, his widow.  The quote above from Bessie Anderson Stanley was the first piece, and she noted that Mr. Rogers used to carry around quotes like this for when he needed words of wisdom.  She noted another one from Mary Lou Kownacki that said, “There isn’t anyone you couldn’t love once you’ve heard their story”.  Mrs. Rogers said that her husband would always try to find the best in everyone.  When she was angry with someone, he would say to her, “But I wonder what was going on in that person’s day”.  He had a huge capacity for compassion for others.

What really struck me was what she said about how hard he worked to be who he was.  She said, “The outside world may have thought his qualities of wisdom and strength came naturally to him, but those close to him knew that he was constantly striving to be the best that he could be.  He was as human as the rest of us.”

I remember my first experiences meeting and being around Robby Carroll at Shallowford Presbyterian Church.  Robby served as the Minister of Pastoral Care and Counseling at the time, and Robby could capture your attention immediately.  He has a deep, raspy voice, and an infectious laugh.  I remember times sitting in the pews, and when there was a poignant sermon or a beautiful anthem, Robby would close it out with a booming “Hallelujah” or “Amen”.  What captured me most was seeing so many of the people at Shallowford, particularly the older people, who would come up and hug Robby, so many people just absolutely loved this guy.  It didn’t take long for me to see why, he has such amazing gifts.

I remember his retirement message, he gave it at “Pairs and Spares”, it’s a Sunday School class that is largely older people (like me) in the congregation.  As Robby spoke, I realized I was hearing something special, so I grabbed a scrap piece of paper sitting on a table, and a pen to jot down Robby’s message.  For those who know me, I’m sure you can believe this easily, I lost that piece of paper, and for as much as I’ve searched, I couldn’t find it.  So I reached out to Robby recently, and asked if I could spend some time with him and “rehear” his message.  When I told him, he said, “Well, I don’t know what I said exactly, but just like most ministers, I only have one sermon in me.”

As I listened to Robby, he spoke of redemption, he spoke of life experiences, he spoke of being on the journey with others and helping each other on the journey.  Robby is a recovering alcoholic, and he is able to use his experiences and the pain he went through to help those who are on the same journey or similar journeys.  Robby talked about“unconditional love and acceptance as the only way”, he spoke of “loving God and neighbor as yourself, and it starting with the self”.  Robby went on to say,

“I am privileged to be on the journey with folks who have lost hope in God and life itself.  We continue to pray that God will give us the wisdom, energy and insight to live our lives with compassion and care for all who suffer.  I am reminded of Jesus weeping over Jerusalem for all of the pain and struggle that is a part of life.”

What I loved the most and what has always drawn me to Robby is when Robby said, “Honest transparency is what we all need.  Honest transparency connects us with God.”  Robby is real, he is genuine, he is willing to bare his soul to help those who need to know “I’m not in this alone”.  Other people have gone through what I’m going through, and they’re willing to share that journey with me.

It’s funny, when I had set out to write this blog post, my title was going to be something like, “My apologies Dave Carr, I don’t want to be you when I grow up anymore, I want to be Robby Carroll”.  OK, the title is way too long, but I also realized, that’s not the message, and that’s not what I’ve learned through all of this.  What I came to realize is that while each of my “heroes” noted above have different qualities or ways of reaching those around them, they have one common theme.  They are real, they are genuine, they are willing to share who they truly are to help those that desperately need help.  They have hopes, they have fears, they have suffered, but they continue to persevere on, and they want to help others persevere on.  And that is why I do my best to emulate the best of what they have given us.

Going back to Nike’s comments, he’s right, I have made a concerted and intentional effort to bare my soul and heart to the world through my blog posts.  Admittedly, it sometimes makes people uncomfortable, real life can be hard for people to take, I get that.  But I think it’s important for people to know and see that there are many of us going through the same struggles that they are facing each day.  We’re all in this together, and we need each other, we can make a difference in each other’s lives. 

I know I can’t be a Renaissance Man like Dave Carr.  I know I can’t be an icon of our generation like Mr. Rogers.  I know I can’t be a beloved minister or counselor like Robby Carroll.  But I can be me.  And I can be real and genuine, and I can let people know, my journey isn’t always easy either, but I’ll happily share my journey with you, if it helps you on your journey.  Funny, it sounds a whole lot like, “Won’t you be my neighbor?”

This Week, Better to be Black than a Woman

Yesterday, I was listening to “Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me!” on NPR, and one of the characters, obviously an African-American male, made that comment to a female on the show. While the comment got a great deal of laughter, it was wrong on so many levels. It is true, being African-American or being female in this country leaves you at the mercy of the “old white guys” that run this country. And, this week has definitely shown us, there is a very good reason that women don’t speak up when they’ve been sexually assaulted. The pain they go through to report it is oftentimes worse than the experience itself, and most of the time, people either don’t believe them or don’t care. It is a very sad reality.

This week exposed so much ugliness in our country, in our political system, in our inability to deal with each other in a civil and compassionate manner. It is hard to determine or imagine who came out in a positive light or in a “winning” manner this week. All sides chose sides, with no one willing to budge or hear the other person’s point of view. In the end, as noted, there were few that came out in a positive light, and mainly, we gave the late night talk show hosts and Saturday Night Live ample fuel for the comedic fire, there was so much great material that emerged from the circus or lunacy that was the Brett Kavanaugh hearings.

I do believe Christine Blasey Ford came out as the most likable, redeeming person in this whole unfortunate situation. She was believable, courageous, unflappable, and came across as someone who is incredibly honest. I do realize many would still not believe her, but I really don’t see anything in her testimony that would make you not believe her, I think it would have to be based on pre-conceived bias going in. While she came out in the most positive light, what she went through I’m sure was not worth it, she was subjected to the same scrutiny all victims go through, and it was tragic to watch.

I think Jeff Flake came to the party late, but at least he came up with a compromise that is workable and should be agreed to by both sides. To be honest, I don’t think the FBI will find anything, I’m really not sure they will be allowed to find anything, but at least he was willing to walk across the aisle and reach a compromise, something that no one else seemed willing to do.

As noted, late night talk shows, Saturday Night Live, all of the comics of the world have a slew of great material to work with. They came out as the biggest winners in all of this.

And the losers? Quite frankly, all of us, which is the biggest issue. Our government, our political system, our courts are completely broken. This was a shit show of epic proportions. I’m embarrassed for all of us, I’m sad for all of us, this is the representative government we have, and they did a commendable job of showing us what asses they all are.

The Republicans have once again shown themselves to be the party of old, rich white guys. They really don’t give a shit about anyone other than other old, rich white guys that help them get re-elected. That is all anything is ever about, and it doesn’t matter what is right or wrong, all that matters is money in the hands of the donor base and then back in their hands.

But the Democrats have nothing to feel proud about either. Whether you like him or not, they did pull a Pearl Harbor on Mr. Kavanaugh. They did everything they could to dig up as much dirt as they could, and they really didn’t care where or how they found it. I truly believe Ms. Ford when she said she isn’t a pawn, but the Democrats clearly used her as a pawn, and they had no problem trying to find any pawn they could find to destroy Mr. Kavanaugh. I’m sure no rock went unturned looking for dirt on him.

As Mercutio said in “Romeo and Juliet”, “a plague on both your houses”.

Of the whole group, the one who is the most laughable and despicable is Lindsey Graham. His tirade, his histrionics would be hilarious if this weren’t so serious. He bashed the Democrats for doing the same kind of shit the Republicans do every day. Lindsey loved to tie himself to the coattails of John McCain to gain credibility, but he’s cut out of the same cloth as all of the other hypocrites sitting in that room. I used to have a small amount of respect for Mr. Graham, but no more, that was a ridiculous charade put on for a job appointment. I call bullshit Lindsey!

Even the Evangelical Christian leaders couldn’t help but show their disdain for women in this world. Franklin Graham rushed to the aid of his president and judge, when he made these comments:

“It’s just a shame that a person like Judge Kavanaugh who has a stellar record – that somebody can bring something up that he did when he was a teenager close to 40 years ago. That’s not relevant…Well, there wasn’t a crime committed…And they call it sexual assault? No, I don’t believe it.”

Mr. Graham continues to display the type of Christian leadership that some of his predecessors like Jim and Tammy Baker or Jimmy Swaggart did, rather than the type of leadership his father, Billy Graham did. It’s truly a shame that people listen to him purely based on the fact that he is Billy Graham’s son rather than truly hear the hate and propaganda that he preaches each day.

Mr. Kavanaugh was probably one of the biggest losers in all of this. On one hand, I would never want to go through what he went through, and I doubt I would have done very well either. I have nothing in my past similar to what he is alleged to have done, but I have plenty from my high school and college years that I wouldn’t want on display for the whole country to see. Frankly, I’d probably just say no thank you to any type of political office because of this, but I don’t think this will ever be an issue.

On the other hand, after watching him on the several interviews I’ve seen with him, I have to say I really don’t like him or trust him. I don’t find him believable, I find him to have a smarmy attitude about him, I find him to wreak of “white privilege”. I see Brock Turner, I see Otter from Animal House, I see someone who believes he is above the rest of us and above the law.

Having said all of that, if the FBI doesn’t find anything more compelling, I don’t see how you could not approve him for the Supreme Court. With all due apologies to Ms. Ford, absent any other evidence, there just isn’t enough hard evidence against him, and I would venture to say after watching all of this, several of the justices on the Supreme Court would probably come across as unlikable, but that doesn’t disqualify them from the position. It’s sad though if this is the best we have for this position, I always have had a huge amount of respect for Supreme Court justices, and I can’t see feeling that way about Mr. Kavanaugh. My view of the court will be forever tainted if he is appointed.

Sadly, the ones who lost the most in all of this were the women in this country. They had made great strides with the #MeToo Movement, but it became painfully obvious that it only goes so far. Old, rich, white men still control this country, and it’s going to take so much more to make a change.

What really bothered me the most though was the women who came out in favor of Mr. Kavanaugh, or more so, the types of comments they made. I watched an interview with several women who were supporters of Mr. Kavanaugh, and here were a couple quotes, that I wrote down verbatim, that really struck me:

“In the grand scheme of things, my goodness, there was no intercourse. There was maybe a touch. Can we really, 36 years later, she’s still stuck on that. Had it happened.”

“We’re talking about a 15 year old girl, which I respect. You know, I’m a woman, I respect. But we’re talking about a 17 year old boy in high school with testosterone running high. Tell me what boy hasn’t done this in high school. Please I would like to know.”

First things first, I have never done anything like this, and I doubt many of my friends have. However, I have seen statistics as high as 60-70% of women who have been sexually assaulted, and as noted above, they don’t report it, for good reason.

I’d like to ask these women, if I took you into a bedroom, and locked the door, and climbed on top of you, holding your mouth, so you couldn’t scream or possibly breathe, you would be OK with this? Better yet, if you have a teenage daughter, and some teenage boy did this, you’d chalk it up to “boys will be boys” and tell your daughter to forget about it? Really?

Women will only come so far until they can somehow rationalize with women like this that this is wrong, it is flat out wrong, and shouldn’t be accepted. Women should not accept the norm that we have created through the years, women have to expect and demand to be treated with respect.

More importantly, those of us who are tired of our wives, daughters, friends, colleagues being demeaned and treated as objects and sexual conquests need to rise up and say enough is enough. I think about a woman who told me her daughter had been “date raped”. I think about a woman who told me she had gone through the same thing when she was younger. I think about Jeannette Wilson Hall who lost a beautiful daughter way too soon. And I’m sorry, this issue really pisses me off. We, as men in this world, can sit back and accept the whole idea or premise that boys will be boys, or we can rise up and say, we’re tired of those that we love being treated like this. We’ve had enough.

The Widowmaker Says Goodbye

You may be wondering, why in the world would you call Ken Landers the Widowmaker?  I guess I’ll have to fall back on my standard answer, beats the shit out of me.  I really can’t remember why, but I started calling Ken the Widowmaker years ago.  I really can’t believe this day is here, I can’t believe Ken is leaving, and I kept thinking that somehow he’d change his mind, but, I’m starting to think, he really is retiring.  As a preamble to some well-deserved comments (and humor) about Ken, I think it makes sense to start with some history of where we were and what it took to get where we are.

I joined WIKA 10 years ago as the Chief Financial Officer for WIKA Instrument.  I still remember that first day.  Within 10 minutes of getting there, my Controller, Ruth Berger, had resigned.  It was something she had been working on for a while, so it had nothing to do with me (at least she said!), but that was a tough way to start a new job.  We had a staff meeting with all of the accounting and controlling people later that day, and I remember looking around the room and thinking, what have I done?  I’m not quite sure what it was, but I just had the sense, something was amiss.

As time went on, I found out more and more, but the personnel in accounting and controlling had been through some very difficult times with a tyrant for a boss, and then several interim bosses.  I also found out later, that they had a pool started of when I would leave.  I think I’ve beaten the pool at this point.  Suffice it to say, the job was very challenging, and I’ll admit at times, I confided in my wife Laurel, I’m not sure if I can turn this around, it was such a mess.  I remember Nancy Cox-Lupori (my Accounting Manager, who had started a few months before me)  and I discussing financials, and it seemed every month we’d turn over a rock, and more worms would crawl out, it was so disheartening.

Eventually, Nancy and her team were able to clean up the accounting side, they were able to get the financials in really good shape, and there were very little worries on that side of the house.  But then there was the controlling side.  As noted, Ruth resigned, and I brought in a temp for the interim to try to keep things together.  Eventually, I hired a new Controller, and I thought we were back in business.  Now, I’m not sure about other people, but once in a while, you make a mistake, and you really make a bad hiring decision.  Unfortunately, that was the case here.  I quickly figured out, somehow, I had really screwed up in who I hired, and I had to make a change.  One of the difficulties was, my boss at the time, Michael Gerster, was really beginning to question my judgment.  I had been there about six months, and I had made a major error in hiring.  I couldn’t afford another one like that.

I started out searching for a new Controller, and as noted, I was really stressed about making the right decision, or if I put it negatively, not making the wrong decision again.  I also had to find an Assistant Controller because in the midst of evaluating the controlling staff, that was one of the issues we had.  After a great deal of interviews, painfully reviewing and talking to many people, I brought in a Controller, Jim Campbell, and an Assistant Controller, Ken Landers.

Now to say that Jim and Ken were old school would be an understatement.  They were very much out of the traditional school of controlling, they were both seasoned and had seen a great deal in their manufacturing careers.  Quickly they meshed, and they became a well-oiled machine, complementing the excellent accounting team we had with great financial analysis.  The other thing that I really appreciated out of them was that they were both so easy to work with.  If I needed something, I could quickly go to either of them, and say, “we need this analysis, please get it done”.  No fuss, no bother, they would quickly and efficiently comply.

Sadly, we lost Jim way too soon.  Jim had a stroke about eight years ago, and shortly afterward, he died.  While it was devastating to all of us, it was incredible how the accounting and controlling teams all pulled together to keep everything running without a glitch.  Ken had to bear a great deal of the burden, he was the one in charge for the time-being, and he shouldered that load the way he does everything, without any fuss, without any complaints, he just does it.

When I think of Ken, what always comes to my mind is the term we often use in business, “Steady Eddie”.  To be honest, I hate that term because too often we use that for average, but steady performers.  By no means is Ken average, he really knows his stuff, especially inventory, he has a great grasp on inventory and what is happening on the cost side of the business.  There have been several times lately where I’ve been discussing inventory issues with Ken, and I keep reminding him, “have you trained anyone on this?”  He just chuckles and says he will. 

While, as I’ve noted, Ken is really sharp and knows his job well, I really don’t believe people realized that at first.  You see, Ken talks Alabaman.  Not Southern, but Alabaman.  One of the greatest joys I’ve experienced here is when our colleagues from Germany come over, and they try to understand Ken.  Granted, it’s difficult enough for them to understand us, they speak German, and English is not their native language.  But to watch them stare intently at Ken when he talks, and watch them strain so hard to understand what he is saying, is priceless. 

Two of my other fondest memories of Ken had to do with when we had an intern in the department that didn’t quite work out.  Ken had the pleasure of supervising the intern, and it even pushed Ken’s buttons, which isn’t easy to do, Ken has a very pleasant demeanor.  I remember the one time, I was sitting in my office working, and all of a sudden, through the wall, I heard Ken yelling, “Matthew if I see you on video games one more time, I’m going to take that computer away from you!”.  I almost jumped out of my chair, I had never heard Ken raise his voice before, but he had been pushed over his limit.

The second incident was when I was in California at one of our other sites, and I woke up in the morning, three hours behind, and I see an e-mail from our intern Matthew saying, “Ken’s in the hospital, if you need anything, I’m in charge.”  I instantly panicked, and called the office, and Ken was there.  I asked him what the hell was going on, and he just sighed and said, “I was at the doctor, not the hospital, it was just an appointment.”  Crisis averted.

I can’t believe the Widowmaker is leaving us.  While I keep joking with one of Ken's younger colleagues, Angela Miller, that she's going to become Young Widowmaker or Widowmaker, Jr., I think it's only right that the Widowmaker name retires with Ken.  

You know, too often we take for granted those “Steady Eddie’s”, the ones who just quietly, efficiently get the job done.  I’m really going to miss that laugh of his, seeing him head to the parking lot with his apple every day, that long, Alabaman accent.  But I’m so happy for him that he is able to say goodbye and move on to his retirement.  I wish him well, he deserves it.