Taste and See

"Instead of standing on the shore and proving to ourselves that the ocean cannot carry us, let us venture on its waters just to see" Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Laurel and I are coming up on our 39^th year of marriage, and I’m embarrassed to say that we’ve taken very few vacations together.  Over the years, we took our four children on many visits to grandparents, we did do a Disney trip once with them, but as a couple, we’ve gone on very few.

There was the first one, Virginia Beach, when the girls were little, we went to France when the boys were little, and about five years ago, we went to Niagara Falls.  We had planned to go to France on a yoga retreat last year, and then, well, COVID hit, and that didn’t happen. 

As we were gearing up for the rescheduled trip to France, we started running into some barriers along the way.  We attempted to renew Laurel’s passport, in plenty of time for the trip, and then the State Department greatly extended their wait times after we sent the renewal in.  As many times as we tried to contact them, by phone, e-mail, whatever means, we couldn’t get an answer from anyone.  Eventually, even with the website saying Laurel’s passport was in unknown status, it miraculously arrived. 

As we prepared for the trip, Laurel and I both had trepidation that maybe we shouldn’t be doing this, or maybe something was telling us we shouldn’t go on this trip.  With the COVID numbers rising again, we didn’t know if it was a good idea or not.  To make matters worse, our one son Patrick is getting married the weekend after we are supposed to get back, and if we test positive, we may miss the wedding.  That would be a disaster.

What gnawed at me was the memory from our 25^th anniversary, when I had booked a trip to England and Ireland, only to cancel the trip right before we were supposed to go because of some important work meetings.  I was having those same feelings since this is budget season at work, but I couldn’t bear doing this again to Laurel.  I really wanted to make this work.

The day finally arrived, and we were off.  After a few flights, a long drive, we arrived at just an incredible chateau in the Bourgogne region of France.  We were greeted by our hosts, Sheila Ewers, our yoga teacher, and Mike Ewers.  As we settled in, I started having a mini-panic attack, we shouldn’t have done this.  I shouldn’t be taking a vacation.  I should be working.

You see, I’ve been raised to work.  At one point, my Dad worked 17 years without a single day off, no vacation, no sick day.  While I’ve improved over the years, I don’t vacation well.  I struggle separating from those things that I’m “supposed to do”.  Those rules to live by were coming back to the surface. 

I came for the yoga….

While I wanted to provide a great vacation for Laurel, I came for yoga.  Since Laurel introduced me to  yoga four years ago, my love for the total experience of yoga has grown and grown.  I love the combination of the physical, emotional, spiritual and mental growth I get from my yoga practice.

Before we moved from Georgia, Laurel and I practiced at John’s Creek Yoga.  I have a special appreciation for anyone who teaches, I taught for seven years as an adjunct professor at Georgia Gwinnett College, and while I always appreciated teachers for what they do, my respect grew even larger after that experience.  I am truly amazed at what yoga teachers do, to me, there has to be so much that goes into teaching yoga, the preparation, the theming, planning the movements, adjusting for the size or demographics of the class, I have to believe it’s very difficult. 

And then, there’s Sheila Ewers.  I guess one of the biggest reasons I have such respect for Sheila is that she uses and quotes literature so often.  I was an English major in college, and I tend to always gravitate to those who study and quote literature.  But it’s way more than that.  Sheila never “phones it in”.  Her classes are very creative.  The movement is fluid, you travel to new places, in some cases, you’ve never been to where you are going, you don’t anticipate where you are going, and it’s a beautiful journey.  More importantly, she themes extremely well, and she sets the stage at the beginning of class, continues the theme throughout, and pulls  it all together in the end. 

At our yoga retreat, Sheila didn’t disappoint.  Sheila weaved a beautiful tapestry of metaphors into our yoga practice.  In many classes, Sheila pulled in some of the greats of French literature, she used “The Little Prince”, Victor Hugo, Pierre Chardin.  She also used some of our adventures during the week, and themed off of those experiences.  Each yoga class was incredible, completely different each time, and a new journey to savor. 

And there was so much more…. 

I experienced such a sensory overload during the week, each day brought a new experience, a new adventure, so much to take in, it was overwhelming.  The countryside was magical, there were vineyards everywhere, there were castles, churches, fields, hills, valleys, it was truly a magical setting. 

At one point, in yoga, Sheila raised an awareness of the senses we were experiencing.  As I look back, I taste and see:

• The breathtaking balloon ride, the sound of the flame filling our balloon, the silence shortly afterward, followed by listening to the dogs, cows and other farm animals far below.  The sight of the group of cows, lined up together, curious to see who in the hell was in their pasture with that big balloon? 
• The wine tastings, the smell of the different wines, the tastes, the wine cellars that had been in existence for hundreds of years, still providing a sanctuary for the various vintages.  I have never tasted wines this amazing in my life, and really, I probably never will again. 
• The flowers, the colors, the smells, there was such an array of vibrant and beautiful plants that we saw in the country and at the markets. 
• The cold, crisp, clear air first on the balloon ride and then on the bike trip.  On the bike ride, I actually got a splitting headache from breathing in that cold, crisp air, it felt so good, and then it felt so bad. 
• The taste of real food.  Since I got diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease about two years ago, I’ve eaten very sparsely, blandly, safely.  Sheila arranged for our chefs to cook “special” meals for me, no  butter, no creams.  For the first time in two years, I was eating real food.  The mixture of joy and thankfulness was wonderful. 
• The markets, seeing people shop for fresh fruits, vegetables, bread, meats, it was such an experience to see the vibrancy, the hustle and bustle of a Sunday morning marketplace. 
• The song of the local people speaking their melodic language.  I’ve traveled to somewhere between 10-15 countries around the world, and I’m not sure anyone can make words sound so lovely. 

TTFN 

As many of you know, I’m a huge fan of Winnie the Pooh (hence the name of my blog post).  Just like in the Hundred Acre Wood, we had our cast of characters on the yoga retreat.  I, of course, am Eeyore, and will always be Eeyore.  The misconception is and can be that I’m not having a good time because I’m Eeyore.  The truth be known, I love to be able to just be me, and be accepted for just being me. 

 On our yoga retreat, we had our share of  various other characters from the Hundred Acre Wood.  I’ll only reveal one thing about any of them, I found someone who had been born the same day, same year, as me, in the general vicinity, we were both born in western Pennsylvania.  That was truly amazing.  The only other thing I’ll reveal is that we did have some Tiggers, and I’m not so sure about the real Eeyore, but this Eeyore loves to be around Tiggers, they give me so much joy to watch and listen to. 

Thank you for bringing me here…. 

As some of you know, I’m a huge fan of Rolf Gates and read him every morning.  One of my favorite Rolf Gates days of reading talked about gratitude and being thankful.  So I start and end every yoga practice by saying to myself as Rolf suggests, “thank you for bringing me here”.  In those moments, I’m speaking to God, and I’m speaking to Laurel.  Without them, I would have never found yoga, and I wouldn’t be who I’ve become over the last few years.  Of course, I’m still a work in progress, but I’ve come a long way. 

But this thank you is broader.  There are so many people I want to thank.  As noted, vacations aren’t easy for me, and I could have fallen back, easily, into my normal routine of spending more time working than vacationing.  In fact, that was part of my plan going in.  But I didn’t, and that has less to do with me, than the place, the people, the experiences.  I truly enjoyed myself this week, and I’m so thankful for that.  I also stepped way out of my comfort zone.  I ate real food, which was huge for me, I went up in a hot air balloon, and I’m scared to death of heights, and I rode a bike for the first time in over forty years.  I stepped way out of my comfort zone, and miraculously, I didn’t die.  Yes, I’m kidding.  

In so many ways, I didn’t want this, I wanted it for Laurel, but I didn’t want it for myself, I didn’t deserve this.  But I needed it, and I loved it.  Thank you for bringing me here.

Ta-ta for now

The Voices

 “Does everyone have voices in their head?”

“What do you think?”

The voices.  The voices can be so powerful.  I remember a few years ago, I was traveling for work in Brazil, and I couldn’t get a hold of Laurel.  As background, we had some text exchanges around our one dog Daisy, too many treats, and Daisy throwing up the night before.  The voices started:

“Laurel blames you for Daisy throwing up”

“Daisy is sick and had to go to the vet”

“Daisy is dead and Laurel doesn’t want to tell you”

“Laurel has been kidnapped”

“Laurel is dead”

Spoiler alert, none of these happened.  Yes, the voices are powerful.  I unfortunately had many instances like this when I was traveling a great deal, not sure if it was the lack of sleep, being away from home or what, but these stories were way too frequent.  Since I’ve been traveling less, these situations have lessened, but I’m pretty sure they will never quite go away. 

As many of you know, I’ve really come to enjoy yoga.  OK, that may be an understatement.  I enjoy yoga, yoga studios, yoga teachers, other yoga students, books about yoga….  I think you get my point, I’m hopeful it hasn’t become an obsession, but quite frankly, when Laurel introduced me to yoga four years ago, it started slowly, but eventually, I’ve grown to really love it and love what it’s done for me.

Having said all that, I’m still not the most graceful or beautiful yogi.  I have horrible flexibility, my strength isn’t great, I can’t balance to save my life, and I have the grace of a giraffe.  But, it really doesn’t bother me.  One of our teachers, Brooke, is always so supportive and positive, she’ll say in class when we’re doing a balancing pose, “You guys look awesome!  You look so great!”  I always laugh because I’m pretty sure she’s either not looking at me, or she’s just being incredibly nice.  I never really watch anyone in yoga, and I really don’t worry a whole lot about how I look, I’m virtually positive I don’t look great, but I’m OK with that.

Recently, I’ve been really working on Balancing Half Moon.  I could never do it, and it kind of bugged me that I couldn’t because, I just thought, I should be able to do this.  My issue is that you have to balance on one leg, and my quads are very tight and weak, so it’s difficult for me.  With Laurel’s help and coaching, I started to be able to do it.  Not great, but I was able to balance on my leg with one hand on a block.  I was really excited to be able to finally do this, at least my version.

“How much of what is happening in your head has to do with what’s happening in life, right here?” Baron Baptiste from “Perfectly Imperfect”

On Labor Day, we had an outdoor yoga class at a park.  I love outdoor yoga because I love the outdoors, and also because strangely, I can balance a lot better on an uneven surface compared to a flat surface.  It was a wonderful experience, we had a great time.  Then, the studio posted pictures of  the class, and I was devastated.  The picture was Balancing Half Moon, and as I looked at the picture, I saw three lovely roses, and one really ugly thorn.  Now to be fair, the three around me all are teachers, and their poses were beautiful.  Kim, Nicole and Laurel all had these beautiful variations of Balancing Half Moon, and there I was looking, well, like a really awkward giraffe.

And the voices started…

“You look awful”

“You should be embarrassed”

“What are you doing out there?”

“You should quit yoga”

I kept telling myself what I always tell myself, I’m a work in progress, I’m doing the best I can, and I may not look that great, but I’m on my mat, I’m working at it.  But the voices are powerful, and they were taking over.  On a walk the one day with Laurel, I started crying, and tried to explain to her what was going on.  I love yoga, I don’t want to quit, but I hate the way I look, I hate looking like an awkward old man, it’s embarrassing.  She, as I would expect, gave me the logical answer very similar to the logical answer I was giving myself, but I tried to explain to her, the voices are powerful.

It also took me to a bit of a different direction, but also pretty painful.  I don’t know about everyone else, but when I see a picture of myself, I really don’t have too much reaction.  I know I’m not the best looking guy in the world, and quite honestly, I think I’m looking more and more like Doc from “Back

to the Future” each day, but it really doesn’t bother me.  I started thinking about people I know, mostly women, who refuse to have their picture taken, and refuse to post pictures of themselves on Facebook or anywhere else, and I wondered, what are the voices in their heads telling them about how they look?  It hurt to think that while I hated to see what I looked like in a yoga pose, there are people that just in general hate what they look like, and the voices are telling them, they are ugly, or overweight, or whatever. 

I had a recent conversation with one of the wonderful young ladies I used to work with in Lawrenceville with WIKA.  She was telling me about her son at college, and the voices that are telling him all of those negative things that they sometimes say.  I could easily relate to what he is going through, it’s not easy when you are young, working through those social situations at college, trying to maintain your grades, and have those voices telling you all the things you aren’t good at.  It’s also extremely difficult to be a mother and not being able to do much to help, other than offer those positive comments to try to overcome those negative voices in his head.

While the voices may be powerful, I’ve grown and developed in my ability to deal with them.  The quote above from Baron Baptiste is from one of the chapters titled “The Cosmic Joke”, where he describes that so much of what we believe isn’t real but fabricated in our head.  It’s helped me realize, I’m not alone, there are others who create a new reality like I do.  Another way is this week I’ve been watching a video I found of Hillsong United singing “Break Every Chain” and hearing:

“There’s a power in the name of Jesus to break every chain”

Each morning, when I plank, I’ve been watching and listening to this song, and I hear that phrase over and over telling me about the power of the name of Jesus.  I do firmly believe that Jesus is much more powerful than any of the voices in my head that tell me I’m not good enough.  The voices will always be there, but I’ve been able to deal with them much better through prayer, through song, through reading, through therapy, and yes, through yoga. 

Going back to the comments from the beginning, that was an exchange the other night between Sarah, my therapist, and me.  I asked Sarah that question, and as is typical of a therapist, she turned it around on me (therapists are really sneaky that way).  I’m guessing everyone has some sort of voices in their head.  I’m guessing some are different than others.  I’m guessing some are really strong and persistent while others are those slow, subtle comments that are like a faucet dripping, eventually wearing you down. 

The other day in yoga, Amber started our class with little note cards she put in front of each of us.  The cards had many different messages like:

“You are worthy!”

“You have a light, it’s meant to shine!”

“You are loved!”

This is the one I got:

My hope and prayer is that many people have voices in their heads telling them messages like this.  I hope that when they look in a mirror, they see the light that they are to the world, they know they are loved, they see someone who is worthy.  I’m really hopeful that many out there don’t have those voices that tell them all the things they can’t do in life, but they have voices that tell them how amazing they are, how unique they are and how the world is a better place because of them being in it.

As Laurel and I drove home from that class, I talked again about the voices and what they were telling me.  Again, she reiterated the logical answer, and I said my typical response to the voices, I told her I’d just tell them:

“I’m baptized, so fuck off!”

She told me, maybe you should tell them:

“Brooke says I look great, so fuck off!”

Kindness, Simple Kindness

 “This is a sermon about kindness, simple kindness.  It’s a sermon about the opportunities that we have, all of us, …to treat other people with gentleness, meekness, tenderness, mercy, and kindness.  Sometimes we do; sometimes we don’t, but you know what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about kindness, simple kindness.”  Dr. Thomas Long, from the sermon, “Be Kind, Be Kind, Be Kind”

I first heard this sermon in I’m guessing the late 80’s or early 90’s.  Dr. Long came to Westminster Presbyterian Church in Dayton, Ohio as a guest minister one Sunday, and this sermon probably captured me more than any other sermon I ever heard in my life. 

When I say “first heard”, there is a reason for that.  This sermon moved me so much that I got a copy of it from the church on cassette (yes, I know, many years ago, and I’m that old), and I’d listen to it in my car on my drives to and from work.  I can’t even recall how many times I listened to this sermon, but it was countless times, and I can still hear it and see Dr. Long preaching it.  I can’t remember if the tape finally broke, or I got rid of my car and no longer had a cassette deck, but eventually, I didn’t have the opportunity to listen to it anymore.  Thankfully, there is the internet these days, and I found a copy of it on a website.

There are so many reasons why this sermon touched me, but I think one of the biggest reasons why was Dr. Long gave so many vivid examples of people who needed our kindness:

• The woman running the cash register at the local grocery store who’s had a really long day.
• The guy at work who is constantly complaining and spreading negativity throughout the organization.
• The lonely neighbor who just needs someone to listen to them.
• The homeless man who is looking for some spare change as you are leaving Starbucks.

We come across these people every day, and we can choose to be kind, or we can pass them over and move on to what is more important in our lives.  For the most part, it’s easy to ignore these people, and not give them a moment’s notice.  It’s easy to ignore them, unless you see them in the light of God.  As Dr. Long further states:

“To put it bluntly, in the Bible, kindness is an act of civil disobedience.  It’s a refusal to treat people according to the customs and the mores and the traditions of the status quo of the world around us and an insistence on seeing them and treating them in light of who they will become in God’s future”

I recently saw one of those Facebook posts, and I always wonder, is this real or just a fabrication?  It was one of those stories where a person had reached the end of their rope, and they had planned on committing suicide that day.  They worked in customer service, and someone was so friendly, so kind to them, that they changed their mind, and they didn’t commit suicide.  That person obviously had changed their life forever.  While the story may be a fabrication, I still believe it provides a teaching moment.

My experience wasn’t quite the same, not quite that dramatic, but in that moment, it definitely meant a lot to me.  As I shared in my latest blog post, I had a deep plunge recently, and I was pretty down.  No, I wasn’t suicidal, but I certainly had my share of irrational thoughts running through my head.  It just so happened that I had an interaction with a colleague at work, and it made an incredible difference for me.  She had various kind words for me, but she also shared a couple of meme’s or sayings that really touched me. 

Now the one was funny, as you can see:

It made me laugh, and it also for some reason made me think of one of my favorite quotes and words to live by from Nadia Bolz-Weber:

“I’m baptized, so fuck off”

I’m starting to believe I need to rename my blog site since I use this quote so often anymore, but as usual, I digress.  While I don’t have as many issues with people getting down on me for not being perfect, I have plenty of voices inside of my head telling me what a screw-up I am.  So I did enjoy this picture and the sentiment of it.

The one I really enjoyed was this one:

It reminded me so much of an excerpt from Glennon Doyle’s “Love Warrior”:

"We think our job as humans is to avoid pain, our job as parents is to protect our children from pain, and our job as friends is to fix each other's pain.  Maybe that's why we all feel like failures so often - because we all have the wrong job description for love."

And more recently, I read the following from Rolf Gates:

“We are in a hurry to escape the pain we have been in and are still contending with, but our haste is self-defeating.  Do not walk so fast.  The pain you wish to escape is everywhere.  Do not walk so fast.  The grace you seek is everywhere.”

We have this concept of life that we should only embrace the good, the favorable, the enjoyable.  But we also have to embrace the painful, the dark, the fears.  Too many times I’ve let those irrational, devastating thoughts take over and push me further and further down.  I’ve learned, with some success, I need to just let them be, let them simmer, let them bounce around in my head, until it’s time for them to go away and be replaced with something more pleasant.  Key phrase, some success.

In the end though, it comes back to kindness, simple kindness.  Maybe, just maybe, this interaction with a colleague helped me embrace the pain I was going through and not let it take over until I could move to a better place.  Have you experienced this kind of kindness?  Have you made someone’s day with a kind word?  Has someone made your day with a kind word?  In the end, it’s just not that hard, and it can make all of the difference.  No, you may not keep someone from committing suicide, but maybe you’ll be the one voice of love and compassion for someone among all of the negative voices they hear each day.  

Dr. Long closed his sermon with these words from Henry James:

“There are only three things important in human life: be kind, be kind, be kind.”

The Big Lie

 “Let go of the frustration and the judgment, and work with your unruly mind as you would a child or a puppy.  It is very important that you come to know this unruliness in yourself and that you be willing to embrace it, not judge it.”  Rolf Gates

About a month ago, I saw a post from Sheila Ewers where she described, well she described so much.  As Laurel and I always say, Sheila never says anything that hasn’t been well thought out and is very meaningful.  She described many things but what captured me the most was:

“Perfectionism is the antithesis of love. It fools us into believing that we are not worthy of love unless we hide our flaws and crouch behind a facade.”

I’ve lived my life beating the shit out of myself for failures, real or perceived, and not being able to accept that I’m not perfect, I’ve hurt people, I’ve hurt those I’ve loved, and I live in shame for what I’ve done.  I came to the conclusion when I read what Sheila wrote that if I’m not willing to truly live my life, to accept myself for who or what I am, then I might as well die.  OK, please don’t take that wrong, it’s meant to be more of a positive statement.

I then finished Glennon Doyle’s book “Love Warrior”, and I read the one part where Glennon reached her own epiphany, which was:

“We think our job as humans is to avoid pain, our job as parents is to protect our children from pain, and our job as friends is to fix each other’s pain.  Maybe that’s why we all feel like failures so often – because we all have the wrong job description for love.”

She went on to describe that what people need is someone to sit quietly with them when they are feeling pain, to stand with them through the pain.  Our jobs aren’t to take away the pain, but to provide comfort.  We all need to feel and go through pain, it’s natural, it’s a part of growing.  If we try to take away each other’s pain, it stunts growth, it isn’t right, it isn’t fair, it doesn’t help.  

As I read this, I came to the stunning realization, an epiphany, that I’ve had this all wrong my entire life, and I felt like such a failure.  I can’t take away people’s pain, and I have no right to.  I’m not God, and I shouldn’t try to play God.  I cried when I read this because I was so wrong for so long, and I couldn’t believe that I never saw how ridiculous this was.

Recently, I was working with my new therapist in Ohio, Sarah, and as usual, I was doing my stream of consciousness, bouncing around from one thought wisp to the next, new revelations, and I finally stopped suddenly, and said, “am I OK?”

Now, I haven’t been with Sarah for very long, and I do feel badly for her, I often think that my therapists will want to quit or have to see their own therapist because of me.  But Sarah has been able to deal with me so far.  Sarah quickly said, “Yes!  You’re OK.”

Last week I had a business trip to Georgia, and I was able to work in a visit to Hailey, who had been my therapist for 18 months, but we hadn’t seen each other for several months.  We reviewed where I was, what was going on, and we discussed my long-standing inability to deal with shame in my life.  What was interesting to me was how what Hailey said to me weaved perfectly in with what Sarah had been telling me.  Everything was coming together perfectly.

Afterward, I reached out to Hailey by e-mail, and I said the same thing to her that I said to Sarah, “am I OK?”  I followed it up with:

“Who would have thought we’d be talking such nonsense!  Thanks to you, I can look at myself, and with my shame, depression, irrational thoughts, and I can say ‘am I OK?’  And I can relatively confidently say, ‘Yes, I think I’m OK’  You’ve helped me gain an acceptance of myself and who I am, and helped me develop tools to get through the difficult times.  For everything going on in my head, I feel fairly good about myself.”

Everything was coming together, the tapestry was weaving together beautifully, all of the pieces were fitting perfectly into the little puzzle I had created.  

And then it all fell apart.  As long and hard as I’ve worked toward this moment, it all unraveled in such a short period of time.

It started simply or with a simple mistake.  I lost my credit card.  Mistakes happen, but I don’t make these kind of mistakes.  I was devastated.  I tried to remember or figure out how it happened, but it really didn’t matter.  I was able to cancel the card, no charges were incurred, I just had to deal with all the issues of getting a new card, dealing with payments automatically charged to the card, etc.  But I had a really hard time accepting that I made such a mistake.  I started questioning my cognitive abilities, maybe I was getting old, and my mind was going.

Then I came home, and I was ecstatic to see Laurel, anytime I’m away from her, I miss her, I can’t wait to see her, I can’t wait to talk to her, listen to her, just be with her.  I didn’t feel the same zeal coming from her, and that was painful for me.  To be fair to Laurel, I was needy due to my mishap with my credit card, I was already down, and I set her or us up with unrealistic expectations.  Still, I was really hurt, and I plummeted.

I spent the next several days immersed in irrationality.  I thought many thoughts.  I imagined many things.  My mind went to all of the worst possibilities and scenarios.  I’ll leave it at that because my irrationality can go in many painful and difficult directions, and no one should have to see what alternative life I can create in such a short period of time.

And the most devastating part of all?  I realized that my breakthrough, my recent awaking and growth, was a big fat lie.  It didn’t take much, and I plummeted back down to the depths that I had allowed to be my prison before.  But this was worse than before because I had soared higher than I had been in such a long time, so the fall was that much further and harder.  I thought I had been able to “embrace, not judge, my unruliness” but I was wrong.  All of the reading, counseling, people who have been great role models, all of the tools I have, and these “little” issues or problems sent me downward.

Still, through it all, there is hope.  I recently spent a weekend with my small group from my former church, and we talked about a lot of things.  One of the things we discussed was hope.  I pulled out one of my favorite sermons from one of my favorite ministers, Sandy McConnel, who was on the retreat.  The sermon was “A Rose in Winter” which he preached way back on December 8, 1996.  Yes, I still have it along with many other of Sandy’s sermons.  As Sandy puts it, hope is faith pointed toward the future, the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark, hope is a rose in winter.  

While I may have tumbled, and tumbled badly, I know where I can get to, and I know what I’ve read, the counseling that I’ve received, the role models I have in my life are right.  I can conquer the demons, the irrational thoughts, I can embrace, not judge the unruliness that runs through my head.  And when all else fails, I can use the immortal words of Nadia Bolz-Weber, and I can tell those voices or irrational thoughts:

I’m baptized.  So fuck off.

The Joy of Travel ....

 My spidey senses were tingling

I traveled for work out to Boulder, Colorado, last week, and even under “normal” circumstances, it wasn’t starting off well.  Some idiot planned my trip, leaving Columbus on a 5:30 am flight, with a three-hour layover in Atlanta on Monday morning.  I had to get up at 3 in the morning after retrieving Laurel from the airport at about 6 on Sunday night.  So, less than 12 hours with my wife, most of them sleeping, and getting up at “0 dark 30” for a long day ahead. 

After the fun of Monday, nothing of consequence until Wednesday.  I had traveled to Boulder with my dear friend and colleague, Rick Keith, and he was able to leave early, so he flew out on Wednesday.  He had the rental car in his name, and he was concerned, but no matter, I told him, I’ve Ubered before, and I can do that for the rest of the trip.

Wednesday morning came around, and I had to get an Uber to work, and I put it in my phone, and 30+ minutes?  Really?  Most of the time when I Uber, it’s 3, 5, maybe 8 minutes, but 30+?  When the driver picked me up, I asked him, should I be concerned for my trip to the airport on Thursday?  Well, maybe so, but as long as you schedule your ride, you’ll be fine.  I was still a bit concerned, but I figured, what could go wrong?

What could go wrong, will

I had scheduled my Uber for 5 am, so I got up at 4, and headed downstairs.  My Uber App was telling me that my driver would be there at 5 or so.  Good so far.  I waited a bit, and then about 5:10, I got a notification from Uber that my ride had been canceled, no drivers available (the good news was I got a $5 credit on my next ride with Uber!).  OK, Boulder is about 45 minutes to an hour from Denver airport, so I was a bit perplexed how I would get there. 

I asked the young lady behind the desk at the Hilton Garden Inn, can you get me a taxi?  She had no idea how.  She said that the Embassy Suites (right next door) had a taxi list, and I asked if I should just go over there and ask.  The Security Guard just happened to be standing there, and he suggested to her to just call over to the Embassy Suites and get the list.  Still no real help at this point.  Although the Security Guard did say that buses run to the airport, and I could walk down the block and wait for a bus.  Somehow I didn’t see this as a great option.

I started trying to get another Uber driver.  I tried calling taxi services.  No answers.  I downloaded the Lyft App and tried them.  No drivers.  I kept surfing back and forth between Uber and Lyft, still no drivers.  The young lady told me, I got you a taxi.  Huh?  I never heard her talk to anyone?  She said, it was really weird though, it was all automated, so I didn’t talk to anyone.  My confidence wasn’t very high.  All of a sudden, I got a notice, a Lyft driver was 1 minute away.  Woo hoo!  I got a call, and the gentleman asked me where I was, he was over at the Embassy Suites.  I said, stay there, I’ll be right there.

I found the driver, and I was off to the airport.  He asked what time my flight was, 7:25, and he said, no problem, we should be there by 6:10.  We had a great conversation, he was a young guy like me, and we talked about virtually everything and anything.  All of a sudden, his phone started re-routing him.  I looked at his phone, and it was starting to show 6:30 or later for my arrival.  Well, that’s not so good.  There were some re-routes, but eventually we got to the airport a little past 6:30. 

I ran to the Delta ticket counter, and as I got there, the Delta representative had this nasty look of horror on her face.  Oh shit, I forgot my mask in my rush to get there.  I pulled it out and apologized all over myself.  I got through the airport, and I got to my gate just as they were boarding.  OK, I can relax now, I’m on my way.

What Could Go Wrong, Will (part 2)

We all boarded the plane, and we were settled in ready for the trip to Atlanta, and then on to Columbus.  I had planned this flight and timing for one main specific purpose.  Thursday night yoga with Abbe.  I love all the classes we have, but there’s just something about Abbe, she’s always so nice.  I had missed Tuesday’s class with Nicole, so I really wanted to get back in time for Abbe’s class.

We sat for a while, and then, when you’re an experienced traveler, you can start feeling, this isn’t good.  Sure enough, the pilot came on at one point, and said something was wrong with the plane.  The maintenance people were trying to fix it, and he’d let us know.  I kept flipping to my Delta App, and I saw they were showing a delay.   At one point, the pilot came back on and said, well, that didn’t work.  I flipped to the Delta App, and they bumped the time out to 9 am, which I knew meant, they have no idea.  I kept looking at my anticipated arrival in Atlanta, and I knew I’d miss my connection.  No yoga for me.

The one bit of good luck was that I had tried texting Laurel and calling her, and she hadn’t responded.  My natural inclination always goes to she’s dead, she’s kidnapped, she’s unconscious, whatever possible disaster could have happened.  I’ve been down this road before, when these situations occur, I worry the whole flight until I land, and have a reply text waiting for me.  In this case, the delay allowed Laurel to get back to me, and I knew no tragedies had occurred.

All of a sudden, the pilot came on and said, they somehow fixed the problem, we would be leaving within 15 minutes.  OK, most likely, I’d still miss my connection, but I had a shot.  We got out of Denver and on our way to Atlanta.  We landed right around the time my plane was taking off.  I still tried to get to it in time, I was only one terminal away, but I probably missed it by 15 minutes.

I headed to the Sky Club, thankfully all of my travels have allowed me to still have access, and they told me I was re-booked on a later flight.  My Delta App still had me on the previous flight, so I was theoretically up in the air at the moment, but of course not.  They couldn’t give me a seat assignment, I would get it at the gate.

What Could Go Wrong, Will (part 3)

I worked my way to the gate when it was getting time to leave.  Now, as some background, I was lucky enough to be upgraded on my previous flight to First Class due to my status, but I harbored no illusion that would happen on this flight.  To be honest, for a short flight like this, I really don’t care other than wanting to get off the plane as quickly as possible, particular after the long day I was having.

I got to the gate, and I noticed the displays.  There were no seats available in First Class, and I was the second one in line to get one of those no seats available.  I looked at the Economy Comfort seats, and there were seats available, but I wasn’t on that upgrade list.  Again, for the most part I didn’t care, other than just wanting to get off the plane quickly.  The young man had no idea why I wasn’t on the upgrade list, but he was able to put me in Economy Comfort, so that was a good thing.  As a side note, my Delta App was still telling me that I was on that other flight, and it was also telling me my suitcase was on the ground somewhere. 

As we got close to boarding, the gate agent said that there was a problem with the plane, it was too hot, they were trying to get it to cool down before they boarded, just a short delay.  A bit later, no, the plane was broken, they needed to find a new plane.  No idea when and what gate.

So I headed off again to another Sky Club to see if I could find out something about my flight.  Note, my Delta App still had me on the previous flight and my suitcase somewhere on the ground.  I asked the young lady at the Sky Club if she knew anything about my new flight.  She got a bit offensive and told me that she didn’t have any information like that, just my name, account number, personal information, but nothing about my flight.  Now, they always do have that information, which is why I asked, but at that point, I had lost my energy to argue, discuss, anything, I just moved on.

I found a seat in a very crowded Sky Club, and started texting Laurel, venting.  She sent me back a text with the universal instructions for stress – just breathe.  My elevated text back was, “I CAN’T BREATHE, I HAVE THIS STUPID MASK ON!”  Of course, you have to wear a mask throughout your travels, and it was getting to be a pretty long and frustrating day wearing that mask.

I finally found out my gate and new time of departure, and I eventually made my way to the gate.  I looked up at the display, and there were seats available in First Class, but somehow, I wasn’t on the upgrade list.  At this point, I had lost my ability to care, I was close enough to the front to get out quickly once we finally got to Columbus.

The rest of the trip was uneventful, thankfully, although I came close.  I kept thinking, the perfect end to this day would be getting a ticket on the way home.  I kept trying to watch my speed, but I was tired and anxious to get home, and at one point, I looked up, there was a police car on the side of the road, and I looked down, and I was going 80 miles per hour.  Somehow, I avoided it and didn’t get that ticket.

For as much as I travel, I’ve had quite a few experiences like this, but this one is in the top 10% or so of difficult travel days.  I think it was just the number of things that went wrong.  But also, I think post-pandemic, or still pandemic, travel is different.  I told Laurel, people, for the most part, just seem meaner.  They are relatively rude and all about themselves.  And the people working don’t seem nearly as good.  I don’t blame the young lady at the desk at the Hilton Garden Inn, but as Nancy Cox-Lupori would say, she was as lost as Alice.  She really didn’t know what to do.  I’ve always praised Delta for the great customer service they provide, but between the people and the Delta App, there was a lot to be desired, this wasn’t their best experience.

But How Was the Play Mrs. Lincoln?

I always love to find the good in an experience, and I tried and found several.  They were:

• Yes, how can I complain when I’m Diamond Medallion, get access to the Sky Club and get upgrades?  I agree.  To be fair, I paid dearly for this over the years, but still, most don’t have this luxury.  I’m very thankful for being able to go into the Sky Club and to have chances to be upgraded.
• The Lyft driver I had was a wonderful man.  I loved talking to him, he really brightened a very poorly-started day for me.
• There was a lady sitting behind me on the flight to Columbus, and she made friends with everyone around her.  This was her first flight to Columbus.  The questions started, are you from Columbus?  Where do you work?  What do you do?  Are you a Buckeye fan?  I’m a Gamecock fan.  She never met a stranger.
• On my flight to Columbus, there was a young lady sitting next to me with her, I assume, grade school daughter.  I was sitting there finishing Glennon Doyle’s “Love Warrior”, and tearing up periodically.  All of a sudden, she pulls out the Wall Street Journal, and starts reading it.  I couldn’t help think, what irony.  This picture really seems reversed.  And then I thought, no, it isn’t, or it shouldn’t be. 
• Waiting for the bags in Columbus, there was another young guy like me, but he was a former military officer, you could tell by his clothes and his backpack.  He had his granddaughter with him, she was probably 3 or 4.  I saw him take her little pink backpack, and attach it to his huge military backpack, and put it over his back.  To see this hardened military guy with this little pink backpack, I really wish I could have gotten a picture, it was really a beautiful moment.

In the end of course, I survived.  It was a long, painful day, but I also found some bright moments along the way.  Once I had the opportunity to look in the mirror when I got home, I told that idiot who planned this trip that he really screwed this one up.  But at least he has that $5 Uber credit to look forward to!

Leaving Church

 Editor’s Note: Thanks to Barton McMillan who inspired me to write this, even though he doesn’t know it.  You’re a very good man, who deserved to be treated as such.

“God wants the mainline church to die”  Reverend Allen Hoskyn

Very strong words, and I’m still not sure I believe them.  And to be fair to Allen, he spoke them to me many years ago, and I have no idea if he still believes them, or even believed them then. 

I do know that it’s time for me to take a sabbatical, or extend the sabbatical I’ve been on.  I’ve lost faith in the church, or at least the church we’ve created, and I can’t see returning for the foreseeable future.  And that’s OK.

Each time we’ve moved over our 38 years or so of marriage and raising a family, one of the first things Laurel and I would do when we moved to a new community was to find a church home.  It was up there in the priorities with getting utilities set up and emptying moving boxes and setting up our home.

Jesus has left the building

Just like with anything else in life, it hasn’t been just one thing that has dampened my enthusiasm for church.  I will say that I’ve had two very negative experiences over the past year, one at our former church, one at the seminary where I served as a Trustee, that left me really jaded toward our leadership, including me.  Those were probably the tipping points that pushed me over the edge. 

But it’s been more than that, it goes deeper, I’ve had many small events over the last few years that have caused me to hit the pause button and say church isn’t the place for me right now.  I guess part of it could be blamed on the pandemic, we lost our weekly ritual of attending church and the assorted other activities during the week.  Fundamentally though, I just believe the church has lost its way.  We have lost our way.  I know it’s an overstatement to say Jesus has left the building, but I’m not sure we are keeping Him as the focal point of what we are doing as a church.

And let’s be clear, my decision isn’t the right decision for everyone, and while it may appear that I’m painting a broad brush condemning the church, there are still many people doing a lot of great things within the church.  In fact, my next blog post is titled, “When the Church Does It Right” followed by “Faith”, which will highlight where I am on my current faith journey. 

For those who have come to know God, the whole world is a prayer mat

While I could focus on the many negative examples of why I’ve made this decision, I’d like to focus on a few positive examples of why I’ve moved on. 

The first is our yoga studios.  Each time Laurel and I have found a new yoga studio, we are welcomed into a new community.  There is no judgment, we are free to come as we are.  I have absolutely no idea if any or all of the people there are Christians, Muslims, Jews or whatever, but I don’t care, and they don’t either.  They are kind and caring.

The second has been the book club I’ve been a part of for the past year from our yoga studio in Georgia.  The class was called “Don’t Look Away”, and we read a book a month related to understanding and dismantling racism.  Each week we would gather and discuss the book we were reading, and we would share our thoughts and feelings about what we read.  Again, no judgment, we were free to say what we felt and share our beliefs.  And again, no idea if any were Christian or not, but they were kind and caring.

For me at least, I’ve been able to find Jesus more readily outside of the walls of church.  I have no idea if any of these people know Jesus, but I am finding Jesus within them.  I feel comfortable with them, I belong.  While I wouldn’t advocate or believe this is the right answer for everyone, I still believe the church serves a very useful purpose in our society, I just don’t think it holds the right answer for everyone, or at least me at the present time.

To my friends and family, no worries, I’m still a devoted follower of Jesus Christ.  I’d prefer to keep looking for and finding Jesus where He is.  And the good news is, He is everywhere, we just need to look.  In fact, I just saw Him again today in a new coffee shop we went to in Delaware called Coffeeology.

“So the last will be first and the first will be last” Matthew 20:16

And who knows, I may come back someday.  I’m hopeful that I can find a church like Nadia Bolz-Weber’s church where the people like me get the opportunity to worship with those that Jesus hung around with, the ones who are not welcome in most churches.  I believe my dear friend Dave Carr has found that in Hayward Street Church in Asheville, and hopefully someday, I will too.

 In closing, I’ll offer up some words from “Beyond Words” by Frederick Buechner.  I know, I’ve quoted him before, but seriously, he can say it so much better than I can:

Jesus said, "I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life. No one gets to the Father apart from me." John 14:6.

He didn't say that any particular ethic, doctrine, or religion was the way, the truth, and the life. He said that he was.  He didn't say that it was by believing or doing anything in particular that you could "get to the Father." He said that it was only by him-by living, participating in, being caught up by the way of life that he embodied, that was his way.

 

 

Shame

“I’m disappointingly human”

Back in September, I wrote a blog post about Belonging versus Fitting In, the difference between the two and where I feel like I belong and where I don’t belong.  As I noted in the blog post, my therapist Hailey really helped me understand the difference between the two, and she used a quote from Brene Brown to highlight it.  Belonging is us being ourselves while fitting in means we have to become something else.  I think, or hope,  most of us would prefer belonging.

Since then I’ve been reading Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly”, which has been one of the most powerful books I’ve read in a long time.  The main premise of the book is that we need to have the courage to be vulnerable to “live, love, parent and lead.”  As I’ve noted to some people, what’s great is I read it after Laurel, so it had all of the important parts underlined and highlighted, so I could know what to focus on. 

In this book, Ms. Brown draws the distinction between Guilt and Shame.  Guilt is “I did something bad”.  Shame  is “I am bad”.  Quite literally, the heart of the matter for me, and I’ve run through this so many times with Hailey, and while my head understands the problem, my heart still won’t.  Does God forgive you?  Yes, of course, God forgives everyone.  Does Laurel or whomever forgive you?  Yes, Laurel and most people are kind enough to grant forgiveness.  Do you forgive others?  Of course, everyone deserves forgiveness.  Can you forgive yourself?  No.

While this was yet another exercise in my seeing the various ways I have failed in my life, the whole discussion on shame was eye-opening and incredibly painful.  Shame is what we do, who we are, how we treat each other to get what we want.  Ms. Brown told so many stories, so many anecdotes of people expressing how they had been shamed.  Spouses, children, parents, co-workers describing instances when they had been shamed.  The stories were devastating, mostly because I had seen them, experienced them, felt them, and most painfully, used them.  I thought of the words from the Bob Seger song, “Night Moves”, but with a slight twist:

“I shamed you, you shamed me, but neither one cared.  We were getting our share”

For me, the easiest or most painful ones were the times I had shamed Laurel or my children.  I’m not sure who gets shamed more, women or children, but it’s probably a close race, and frankly, doesn’t matter.

I read some of those stories, and I could go through and check the box.  As noted, Laurel had already read it, and marked specific areas, and while it wasn’t meant to be a “wake up call” for me, it was.

• Shaming for sex.  Laurel told me the one story,  and I can’t even remember if it’s in the book or maybe in another book she read, but as she stated it, after working all day, feeding the kids, getting them bathed, getting them in bed, and all you want to do is curl up on the end of the couch and eat some ice cream.  But your husband wants to have sex.  Check.
• Shaming by comparing her to other wives and finding her lacking.  Check.
• Shaming by thinking I could run our household like a business, and not realizing she was really good at running the house.  Check and mate.

Now, the good news is that after some rocky early years, I grew to love Laurel more and more each day.  More importantly, I grew to value and appreciate her and the gifts she has.  She is amazing with the kids, much better at it than me, and she runs our house impeccably, she is really good at it.  I really don’t believe I could have a better partner or spouse, she is truly amazing.  If there is anyone lacking in this relationship, it’s me.

When it comes to our children, I found many of those examples and stories coming way too close to home also.  While unfortunately I could probably come up with hundreds, some brief examples:

• I  remember when Kelly was a pre-teen and playing soccer, I would always say to her, "Where does it come from Kelly?" and she was supposed to answer back, "It comes from the heart sir!"  (I think I read too many motivational books).  You know, it really seemed kind of funny at the time, but maybe not so much for Kelly...
• I remember drawing up a contract with our daughter Megan.  With signatures.  As Megan noted, “you always try to treat us like one of your employees.” 
• I remember being embarrassed at times with Sean and Patrick when they were in middle school. The most odd and ill-fitting kids seemed to always gravitate to our sons.  That seemed to continue into high school and even college.  As I look back, they were doing what we all encourage people to do, be kind to those who need kindness.  What did Jesus say?  Something like, “what you have done for the least of these, you did for me”.  I’m incredibly proud of them now for doing this, and my embarrassment has shifted to me.

Probably the most telling to me was an example from the book.  Ms. Brown described a time Toni Morrison was on the Oprah Winfrey show.  Ms. Morrison said that whenever your child walks into the room, your face should light up.  She said, “let your face speak what’s in your heart.”  Ah, not quite what I did.  My kids used to talk about my “mean face”.  I’d ask, “what do you mean, my mean face?”  They’d say, you had your mean face on, you looked at us with your mean face.  I’d tell that that was just my regular face.

I recently shared this story with Nancy Cox-Lupori, who used to work for me.  I knew how much she would appreciate it.  Nancy and I had a great working relationship, and she would call me out when I needed calling out.  When I had “that face”, she would say, “Stop with the Snoopy face.  Quit scowling at us.”  If I could only have had Nancy around when I was doing that to my children….

As I reflected on all of this, I could come up with so many ways I shamed Laurel and our children, but I couldn’t think of times I shamed people at work (I’m sure Nancy could give several examples).  As I thought about it, I did remember a situation where I shamed someone at work, and I really did it well.  I was teaching a training class on written communication at Touche Ross, and for the most part, accountants weren’t very good at written communication.  There was one young man, Scott Soutar, who had written a memo that had many misspellings, poor grammar, etc.  I used it as an example for a group of employees, with Scott in the audience.  Yes, I was that insensitive.  Until the scenario played out completely,  I didn’t realize how insensitive I was.  Scott was devastated, and I was devastated once I saw what I did.

As Laurel has told me, and I do agree with her, we can’t focus on all the areas we have failed when we read this book.  I do agree with that.  Part of what hurts is realizing how much I have used shame to hurt those I love.  Part of what hurts is realizing that I’ve had it done to me too.  What hurts so badly though is to realize it is who we are, how we treat each other, how we control each other.  It has become such a natural part of our lives. 

“Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good”

OK, I've given you how I've embraced some of the negatives I've found about me reading this book.  But, my God, the positives.  Ms. Brown gives us so many ideas and examples of how we can have the courage to be vulnerable and be better leaders, better parents, and most importantly, better human beings.  Let me highlight some positives I’ve gleaned, which is why it was so critical for me to read this book:

• It got me writing again.  One of the sections of the book discusses that trying to be perfect is the enemy of creativity and art.  Art is never perfect, it’s expression, and it’s who we are or what we’re feeling at the time.  I quit writing because I was striving so much for perfection.  I need to realize, my writing has never been perfect, it never will be, and that’s OK.
• I don’t care about proving myself anymore.  That really has evolved over the past several years, but this book reinforced it for me.  I will do the best I can do, and if that’s not good enough, so be it.  I won’t be shamed into doing what someone else would want me to do or be.
• I am working on my facial expressions, I’ve thought about anyone I meet, waiters, store clerks, co-workers, my family, a smile can change so much.  Especially with our loved ones, let them see how they light up our world, but do it with those people you meet along the way.
• I have given away at least five copies of this book to people who mean something to me, and I will continue to give this book to people who can gain from it.  I really believe this book is that life-changing. 
• I am encouraging colleagues to avoid this type of behavior (shaming) and to do the same with their colleagues.  It just doesn’t belong in any setting.  We can and should be better than this.
• I am doing my best to have the courage to embrace the vulnerable.  I’ve written and re-written this blog post over the last few weeks and debated posting it.  I’ll admit I’m scared of what people will think of me for some of the ways I have used shame in my life to get what I want.  But, I’m hopeful, just like one of my favorite lines from a TV show, “Last Tango in Halifax”, you all will realize that I’m simply disappointingly human.