Unconditional Love

I think this conversation took place a little over a week ago .... 

 “Grrrrr, it’s my toy!”

“Rrrrrr, it’s my toy!”

“Girls, would you please stop!  Why do you always fight over the blue dog toy?  It’s a squeaky toy!  We have at least 20 squeaky toys, there’s a red dog, a yellow dog, a yellow duck, a blue snake, why can’t one of you just play with one of those toys?”

“Because I want the blue dog,” Little Bit said.

“I want the blue dog,” Daisy said.

Snickers let out a big sigh, “Girls.  Puppies.  What am I going to do?  Girls, we need to talk, stop with the toy and get over here.”

Snickers gently shifted in his dog bed as Little Bit and Daisy dropped the toy they were fighting over and bounced over to see what Snickers wanted to talk about.  While Snickers was old and didn’t ask for much, the girls still respected him for his length of service to the McCullough family.

“Girls, it’s almost time, I’m going to be leaving soon.  You two will have to take over all of the pet responsibilities for the family.”

“Bu-bu-but Snickers, where are you going?” Little Bit nervously asked.

“Little Bit, you remember when Minnie left a few years ago.  It’s my time now, I need to move on.”

“Who’s Minnie?  And where do dogs go?” Daisy asked innocently.

“Minnie was the Man owner’s Princess before I came along,” Little Bit said smugly.

Snickers replied, “All dogs go to Heaven of course.  There was a great movie about this many years ago, you guys are too young to know about it, but it’s true, all dogs go to Heaven.  We provide great service here on Earth, we serve our families, we have very short lives, our reward is getting to go to Heaven and wait for our families to come join us.  Now, I have some instructions for you, you girls have to take over the duties now.”

Little Bit said, “What do you mean Snickers?  What duties?  We do a good job of taking care of the family, don’t we?”

Snickers said, “You do, but you have to take over my duties too.  Little Bit, you have done a great job taking care of Patrick, and you have done a good job taking over as the Princess for the Man  owner.  Daisy’s still a puppy, she needs to grow up and take on some more responsibility. “  Snickers glanced over at Daisy, and sighed, “The first thing is she needs is to get over her puppy ADD and pay attention.  Daisy!”

“What?  Did you say something Snickers?  There are squirrels out there, I need to chase them!”

“Daisy!  Pay attention!  I have some things to say,” Snickers said grumpily.

“Yeah, Daisy, pay attention,” Little Bit chimed in.

“OK, first thing, you guys have to look after the Lady owner, she’s the most important one in the family, and she’s really going to miss me.  You two have to take care of her.” 

“Second, you two have to make sure you entertain Kelly and Clayton’s dogs anytime they come over.”

Daisy shrieked, “Nooooo!  I won’t do it!  Those two are spoiled brats.  And they never stop!  Do either of them ever sleep?  They’re constantly going, and going, and going.  Even I get worn out.”

Little Bit chimed in, “Snickers, do we really have to be nice to them?  They are pretty high maintenance, and Kelly really spoils them.”

Snickers started laughing, “Listen to you two!  Little Bit, I don’t think I’ve ever met a dog more spoiled than you.  Princess, huh.  And Daisy, seriously, Franklin and Rosie are no worse than you.  Ladies, they are still puppies, puppies have lots of energy.  Just like YOU, Daisy.  I’ve put up with it for the last year, and I’m old, the least the two of you can do is put up with them and be nice.”

Snickers continued, “Ladies, what’s a dog’s motto, what’s our commitment?”

Little Bit and Daisy both sighed, “Unconditional love.”

Snickers went on, “That’s right.”

“But Snickers, Franklin and Rosie are dogs, we don’t owe them unconditional love,” whined Little Bit.

“Little Bit!  How nice has Kelly been to you?  She’s treated you like a Princess as much as our Man Owner has.  Clayton has treated you really well too, and think about how much Minnie loved Kelly and Clayton.  How do you think Minnie would feel if she knew you were treating Kelly and Clayton’s puppies badly? Remember Little Bit, unconditional love means you treat Kelly and Clayton’s puppies with the same love Kelly and Clayton give you” Snickers said.

“You’re right Snickers, I’m sorry,” Little Bit sighed.

“Daisy?  What about you?” Snickers asked.

“What?  Did you say something Snickers?” Daisy asked, as she still scoured the yard for squirrels.

“I give up,” Snickers murmured.

“Snickers, will that Barkley ever be coming back here?  This doesn’t apply to him does it?” Little Bit asked.

“Little Bit, seriously, he was barely born when he was here.  He was really a puppy.  I’m sure he’s much better now.  Besides, I’m the one who had to put up with all of his hyperactivity.  You just ran and hid.”

“He was scary Snickers!  He even bit the Man owner!” Little Bit shrieked.

“Again, Little Bit.  Puppy.  Very young puppy.  I’m sure he’s grown up by now.”

“Is there anything else we need to do Snickers?” Little Bit asked.

“Well, if little kids come over, you need to let them poke and prod you and not get mad or run and hide.  And if anyone wants to dress you up with sweaters or costumes, you need to let them,” Snickers said.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!” Little Bit screamed.  “Kelly used to make me wear those stupid sweaters and costumes.  I couldn’t move!  I’ll let little kids pull my tail and pull my ears, but I will not wear any of those stupid outfits anymore!”

Snickers started laughing, “OK, maybe I’ve gone too far.”

Daisy finally broke from watching the squirrels run through the yard, and came bouncing in the room.  “Wait, wait!  Maybe Kelly can put me in a little dress, and I can do the Daisy dance and get on television!”

“Always has to be the center of attention,” Little Bit murmured while rolling her eyes.

“Hey Snickers, I know our commitment is unconditional love, but doesn’t it bother you sometimes how our Man owner treats you?” Daisy asked.

“What do you mean Daisy?” Snickers asked.

“Well, he calls you Dumb Ass, and he calls you Big Fat Fella, and he yells at you a lot, doesn’t it bother you?” Daisy asked.

Snickers just smiled, “Our Man owner loves me, more than you can imagine.  He loves both of you too, more than you can imagine.  We are put here to teach our families how to truly love.  For some of our families, it takes a little more time, but eventually, they figure out what unconditional love means.  Our Lady owner figured it out a long time ago.  It took our Man owner a little longer, but he figured it out.  Our Man owner gets up in the middle of the night and lets me out to roam the yard and doesn’t complain like he used to.  He gives me whatever treats I want, and never complains.  He listens to me bark and howl and doesn’t yell anymore.  It took a while, but he figured it out.  He learned unconditional love.”

“He always loved me,” Little Bit whispered under her breath.

“Yeah, yeah, I know Little Bit, but you’re the Princess,” Snickers said with a smile.  “Daisy is too, I know, not like you Little Bit, but she is too.  Still, I know our Man owner loves me.  Maybe not quite like the Lady owner, but he still loves me.  And that’s why we’re here, we teach them unconditional love.  Some learn it slower than others, but eventually, they all learn it.”

Little Bit and Daisy looked very sad, and finally Little Bit asked, “Is there anything else Snickers?”

“Yeah, make sure you to tell Delilah, Charlotte, Tux and Mieka that I said goodbye.  Bark at them for me.  I told Franklin and Rosie goodbye last weekend, so they already know, but they’re puppies, they didn’t quite understand, you’ll have to explain it to them Little Bit.  And I’m going to miss both of you.  For girls, and puppies, you’re not so bad.”

Snickers rolled over and started nodding off to sleep.  Daisy, of course, darted out the door, chasing whatever squirrel was silly enough to be on the ground.  Little Bit stood there quietly, watching Snickers, and trying to figure out how she was going to take over the duties as the head of the McCullough dog family.  It was a big job for such a little dog.  I’m sure she will be up to it.

Providence

Thanks to Dave Carr, I created a personalized card that I use to send hand-written notes to people.  Dave is a huge advocate of doing this, it gives a personal touch to anything we do, and is so much more intimate than e-mails or texts.  My personalized card has Snickers on the front, with that huge smile on his face, and inside it says, “Sometimes we lose sight of the fact that the journey is just as important, and oftentimes just as much fun, as the destination.”  Yesterday, Patrick achieved a destination, he graduated from Oglethorpe University, Summa Cum Laude, he had one A- in his time there, the rest A’s.  I have to say though, in this case, while the journey was important, it definitely wasn’t fun.

Let me take you back three years ago to 2013 and when all hell broke loose for Patrick and the rest of the family as well.  Patrick had just gone back for his second semester of his sophomore year at Grove City College in Pennsylvania.  Patrick loved Grove City, it was a relatively small school, very strict religiously, and had very solid academics.  In January, we started getting some distressing calls.  Just a few weeks earlier, he had seemed very happy, but that had changed dramatically.  As the weeks went by, he was plummeting.  Each conversation was getting deeper and deeper into depression.  I finally told him, if he wanted to come home, just come home.  He then said the words that no parent ever wants to hear.  He said, “you won’t be disappointed in me?”  If there’s one thing in life I’ve learned as a parent, don’t ever tell your children or lead them to believe you are ever disappointed in them.  I told him no, I could never be disappointed in him. 

Unfortunately, he didn’t come home soon enough, and we got a call from the counselor on campus that Patrick was planning to commit suicide, and he wanted to admit him to a local psychiatric hospital.  This was our first experience with a psychiatric hospital, and we learned a lot, particularly patience.  Imagine yourself as a parent, and your child is five or six states away, and he/she is in a psychiatric hospital that you’ve never seen, and you can only talk to him or her once a day?  We patiently would wait for that time each evening, when we would get 10-15 minutes on the phone with Patrick, and try to decipher what the hell was going on.  As soon as we were able, Laurel and Kelly got a flight up to Pennsylvania to see Patrick in the hospital, which gave us a whole lot of comfort.  We were eventually able to secure Patrick’s release from the psychiatric hospital, and we were able to bring him home.

One of the most painful parts of all of this was withdrawing Patrick from Grove City.  When we got Patrick released from the psychiatric hospital, we also packed all of his stuff up from his dorm.  I will say that packing up his dorm room was one of the most painful separations I’ve witnessed in my life.  Patrick began believing he was gay, and once that became apparent at Grove City, he was rejected immediately.  Grove City holds itself out as a very caring, Christian environment, but that doesn’t apply to those that are different.  I will have to say this was also one of the most critical junctions in dealing with Patrick’s issues.  He was ready for us to reject him also, but Laurel and I both told him, just as God never started loving you, our love for you has no beginning or end.  We will love you always, no matter what.  That appeared to provide a great deal of relief to Patrick.

When we brought Patrick home, we had some significant adjustments to make.  We hid all of the knives in the house, or anything else that we believed he could hurt himself with.  Laurel spent many nights sleeping in the spare bed in Patrick’s room to make sure that he didn’t hurt himself.   But the pain for all of us was just beginning.  Shortly after Patrick came home, Patrick revealed the one night at dinner what had led him to want to commit suicide.  He revealed that his private music teacher from his middle school and high school years had sexually abused him.  For me, this was one of the greatest nightmares a parent can face.  We are given children to protect and raise, and we had failed at this.  It was devastating.  As a side note, we pursued many different angles with the police and the district attorney’s office.  We learned a lot about how little our government officials can or will do about issues like this, I guess, unless it provides major headlines like the situation at Penn State.

While I wish I could say that when Patrick came home, everything worked out happily ever after, and we all went back to normal, it wasn’t that simple.  The one night Patrick “disappeared” and Laurel thought a saw was missing.  I frantically drove down the road, no idea where I was going, but I was looking for Patrick.  The next thing I know, there he is walking down the road toward me.  As I pulled up, he said, “What?”, and I said get in the car.  I told him you can’t just go for a walk without telling us anything with the state you’re in. 

Patrick eventually went back into a local psychiatric hospital.  It was a disaster, the hospital was awful, and to a certain extent, that may have been a turning point for all of us.  Two bits of humor from this.  When we were checking him in late on a Sunday night at the hospital, he started stuttering.  I found out later that this can be a side-effect of anti-depressant medications.  I didn’t say anything, but I was livid.  Patrick has a beautiful singing voice, and all I could think was, “OK, we’ve put up with a lot, but by God, you will not stutter.”  The second thing was when we went to visit him after a few days, we found out how bad the place was.  I didn’t realize at the time how bad it was, and how much Patrick wanted out, and I asked the innocent question, “How do you like it here?”  He replied, “I f-f-f-f-fucking hate it!”  I guess you could call that gallows humor. 

Eventually, Patrick progressed, he climbed out of the depths, through various counselors and medication, he emerged from the depths of hell.  He was able to go back to school, to Oglethorpe University, and that was mainly because we wanted to keep him close by.  Patrick determined he wasn’t gay, the abuse made him assume he was, but he found out he wasn’t.  He has fallen far away from God, unfortunately.  He is angry at God for letting this happen, he is angry because the abuser is a “self-proclaiming” good Christian, who leads the worship music at his church.  Grove City College proclaims to be a good Christian college, but rejected him because he thought he was gay.  Through all of this, Patrick has soured on God and religion.

We still had some rocky moments along the way.  Patrick still has his moments, he can dip into depression at times, and at times, he can plummet into depression.  Unfortunately, the one time happened to be when he was an ocean away.  In the summer of 2014, Patrick wanted to go on a study abroad trip to Germany.  We of course had trepidation, but we finally thought it would be good for him, and he seemed to be so much better.  It all started off well, but then, he started plummeting again.  We would have discussions with him on the Skype, that was the only way we could talk to him, and he was definitely falling deeper.  At one point, he made the comment, “I probably won’t kill myself here, because I know it would be difficult for you to repatriate the body.”  Of course, that was our number one concern.  The worst experience was the one Sunday when we had scheduled a time to Skype with him.  No Patrick.  We waited, and waited.  As time wore on, I grew angrier and angrier.  I felt so helpless, I couldn’t figure out anything I could do to find out is he alive, where is he?  Thankfully, Laurel is much more resourceful than me.  She started looking up the various friends Patrick had made in Germany in the program on Facebook, and she started messaging all of them to see if they had seen Patrick.  One had, and she went down to Patrick’s apartment.  He had fallen asleep and missed our call.  We could start breathing again.

We now face a new chapter in our lives, in Patrick’s life.  He has finished college, and he now is headed to graduate school.  He was accepted to Rhode Island College, and he received a fellowship, so he first year at least is paid for.  The question that Laurel and I have struggled with for many months now is do you let him go?  We know what happened when he was at Grove City, we know what happened when he was in Germany, how will this be different?  Again, he will be many states away, what will we do if he plummets again?  Our daughter Kelly has even questioned us, questioned our judgment on this.  My dear friend from WIKA, Brent Shadix, also asked me about it.  We don’t know the answer, but we finally came to the conclusion, at some point, he is going to have to live his life.  Patrick has to be able to go where he wants to go or needs to go to follow his dreams or pursuits, and if that takes him away from us, we have to have faith that it will work out.  Are we scared?  Beyond imagination.  We’re scared to death for him to be so far away, knowing his history and his present.  We think about it, we pray about it all the time. 

I know this will sound crazy, but then again, I often find divine intervention in crazier places.  Last week, when I was at church, the pastor was doing a sermon on the Prodigal Son, which is one of my favorite parables.  As I listened intently to the sermon, the following line came crashing down upon me.  “I realize I have always believed there is a great Providence that, so to speak, waits ahead of us.”  You see, Rhode Island College is in Providence.  Maybe this is the Providence that Patrick needs to finally step out of the depths of hell once and for all.  Maybe this is the Providence that will help Patrick heal and to become better finally.  Maybe this is the Providence that God is calling Patrick to so that they can reconcile, and Patrick can finally forgive God for what happened to him.  

The Loss of (Wo)man's Best Friend

Snickers McCullough – Born Spring 2004, Died May 14, 2016. 

Also known as Snick, Snick-Man, Snickey Bear, and most often, The Big Fat Fella.

Amazingly to us, he was almost always a puppy.  Until recently when he got sick, he would still chase the squirrels, dance around like a lunatic for a treat or table scraps, and go upstairs and search for a sock or a stuffed animal to take outside and play keep-away with until you gave him a treat.  He always had a youthful exuberance and a constant smile, if a dog can really smile.  But I think he did smile, he had such a good life, and he deserved it, he was such a good dog.  He really didn’t deserve the way it all ended, so soon really for a dog, but that’s beyond our control.  It’s amazing how it all transpired, if you go way back to the beginning ….

I never thought we’d ever get a pet.  We had made it over twenty years through our marriage, through most of the growing years for Megan and Kelly and partway through the childhood of Patrick and Sean with no pets, and I never thought we’d ever get one.  Then, the boys, mainly Sean , decided they wanted a dog.  I figured if we’d wait them out, they would eventually move on to something else.  This one was different.  They didn’t give up, especially Sean, he would continually demand, we are getting a dog.  So we finally caved, we went looking at dogs, and Snickers won our hearts.

Then, reality set in, and I never thought Snickers would survive.  Everyone says dogs love their crates, but Snickers never did.  The first night we brought him home, he cried and cried in his crate, and we did what you’re supposed to do, we let him cry.  Finally we couldn’t take it any longer, and we went down, and found that he had pooped all over his crate.  There we were out in the backyard at 3 in the morning, cleaning him up and cleaning up his crate.  That was just the beginning.

He hated his crate, he was awful at night, and Laurel had to sleep in the living room every night with him.  At one point, Laurel said “It’s either him or me.”  I was really worried that our short-lived life as pet owners was coming to a close.  Then one night, we were sitting on the couch watching TV, the back door was open, and Snickers started barking outside.  For whatever reason, Laurel thought he was in danger, she came leaping off the couch, flew out the back door in her bare feet, screaming , “Snickers, Snickers, I’m coming!”  He had won her over and he was her baby.  And boy was he her baby.  It would be funny, Snickers would do something, and I’d be screaming at him, and he’d just look at me with this expression of “what the heck is your problem?”  If Laurel would ever yell at him, which wasn’t very often, he would lie on the floor and get as low as he possibly could, pouting because she was mad at him.

As a puppy, Snickers was very much a challenge.  He would dig and dig at the carpet until he could get a strand, and he would then grab it and pull it across the floor, leaving a bare spot across the carpet.  We eventually had to put duct tape throughout the living room to cover the various bare spots on our carpet.  He would teeth on our furniture ruining our couch, end tables, anything he could get to.  Our living room soon looked like something you would see at an off-campus college apartment.  The only thing missing was the smell of stale beer.

The biggest issue would be when he would escape.  We lived right next to Grant Park, a large wooded nature park, and he would make his way to Grant Park and search for anything his nose would take him to.  We would take off running through Grant Park, with a hot dog, screaming “hot dog, Snickers, hot dog!”  When we’d find him and get close, we would break off pieces of the hot dog and throw them to try to get his attention.  He would eventually smell the hot dog, and he would stop long enough for us to catch him and take him home. 

We finally took him to puppy training.  As usual, Snickers’ nose got him into trouble more often than not.  Each pet owner would bring treats for his/her dog for the training, and Snickers couldn’t resist seeking out each dog’s treats.  Snickers eventually graduated from puppy training, but we were convinced they passed him just so they wouldn’t have to deal with him again in class.

When we moved from Dayton, Ohio to Lawrenceville, Georgia, Laurel had the task of finding our next home.  Her first choice, and mine, was our current home.  Many people who knew Laurel accused her of buying this house for Snickers, but she denies it.  The backyard is completed wooded and has a wealth of squirrels moving from tree to tree.  There have been times where Snickers stays out back all day, going from tree to tree, constantly looking up and howling as the squirrels torment him.  He would come in periodically to get a drink of water, but head right back out to continue chasing the squirrels.  There was one time that Snickers came to the back door with a dead squirrel in his mouth.  We are convinced that somehow the squirrel fell from a tree and Snickers found him dead, because there was no way that Snickers could have ever caught one of the squirrels.  We often heard the squirrels laughing at Snickers as he diligently chased them up the many trees in the yard.

After we moved to Georgia, someone (no idea who) got the bright idea that Snickers needed a playmate.  We bought Minnie, another beagle, a female, for Snickers to play with.  We soon found that Minnie much preferred sleeping to anything else, and she failed miserably as a playmate.  Once in a while, Minnie would do the “Minnie fake” as we called it, and she would act like she wanted to play.  Snickers would get all excited and start running around like a nut, and then Minnie would go back and lie down, just kidding.  At times, Minnie, like most females, would lash out at Snickers and attack him.  Poor Snickers would have no idea what he did or why he was being attacked, but you’d see him going up to Minnie afterward, groveling, like most males, apologizing for whatever transgression he committed. 

While Snickers had to share the house with Minnie, and eventually Little Bit and Daisy, he really never had to share Laurel’s heart.  I used to joke that the ranking in Laurel’s heart was Snickers, Megan, Patrick, Sean, Kelly, Minnie and then me (Laurel always loved that).  While it was just a joke, there’s no doubt Snickers was always Laurel’s favorite, and she was always his favorite.  They had a special bond, and because of that, he had such a great life.  And so did we, you really couldn’t ask for a better dog.  Sure, he was a pain in the ass about food, his nose led him way too many places, but he was so good natured, and he always had that smile.  We’ll always remember him as that puppy who loved his treats, loved his backyard and loved chasing those squirrels.  We will miss him.