Belonging

 “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” Brene Brown

Recently, Laurel and I joined a book club from the yoga studio that we are members at.  We are doing a year’s journey on racism.  We meet once a week, Mondays at 5 for one hour, and I look forward to those meetings each week.  Being an introvert, I don’t say much, but I just love to listen to the great insight so many people share.  Some of the comments are beautiful, some painful, but all filled with wonderful emotion.

I shared this with Hailey the other day in one of our counseling sessions, and I told her that I feel like I fit in there.  She shared with me the quote above, and she mildly corrected me on the concept of fitting in versus belonging.  And as usual, Hailey was right, I feel like I belong there.  I can just be me and not worry about being me, I’ll be accepted for who I am.

It made me think about where else I belong, and I came to yoga.  Since I’ve been going to yoga for three years with Laurel, I’ve changed, I’ve grown, I believe I’ve become a better person.  I’ve encountered so many wonderful teachers, who have so many great lessons for me.  As I’ve shared before, I get a “Jim Valvano day” out of every yoga class.  I laugh, I think, I cry.  I used to worry about how awful I was at yoga, my body is incredibly tight, I have lousy balance, there are many poses I just can’t do.  But over time, I realized, I don’t ever notice anyone else, and I doubt anyone ever notices me.  And I also think I’ve grown in my practice, I’ve given up that Type A desire to always do things perfectly, I’m satisfied with doing the best I can do on that given day.

To me, it’s much more than that though.  Yoga is so much more about the spirituality, the breathing, the mental state, and that has been as much of the practice to me or more than the physical part.  I’ve gotten so much more out of those aspects.  And the people, for the most part, are so nice, so friendly, so accepting.  Again, being an introvert, I don’t talk much to people, but I live vicariously through Laurel, the extrovert in our marriage, who has never met a stranger.  I like to listen and hear about people through their conversations with Laurel.

“Well it’s a sad man my friend who is living in his own skin, but can’t stand the company”

I still haven’t been able to bring myself to say “Namaste” at the end of practice, because I still don’t believe I’m worthy to be there, I still can’t overcome my dislike for myself, but I do feel I belong.  Now, some may find this as a contradiction, but I don’t see it that way.  While I live by the line above from the Bruce Springsteen song, “Better Days”, my feeling of belonging comes from the acceptance that others seem to have for me.  I always feel welcome at yoga.

As I related to Hailey, the realization where you do belong then leads me at least to the question of where I don’t belong.  That was a painful exercise to go through. 

I started with church.  I’ve come to realize that I just don’t feel like I belong at church.  Don’t get me wrong, I love church, I love the sermons (I’m a sermon geek), I love the music, I love the children, the older adults, I love the passion the pastors bring.  I just think we are missing something, and I think too often, we are missing Jesus Christ, or more, what Jesus taught, and lived and died for.

I’ve been recently reading a few books, one is “Leaving Church” by Reverend Dr. Barbara Brown Taylor.  In it she relates her struggle with the church, and leaving the clergy to become a college professor.  The other is “See No Stranger – A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love” by Valerie Kaur.  I really don’t know how to adequately describe this book to give it justice, it’s so phenomenal, but the best I can say is it is the memoirs of a young Sikh woman and her story of dealing with the hatred we have in this country of those who are different from us.  It made me reflect back on one of my favorite books, Nadia Bolz Weber’s “Accidental Saints: Finding God in All the Wrong People”.  I just feel as if we have lost sight of what Jesus’ intent was and the people that he cared for.  He lived and embraced those who are the least among us.

Where does that leave me?  I’m not sure.  I still am a devout follower of Jesus Christ.  That won’t change.  I still believe in a lot of what we do as a church.  I just can’t embrace the entire package, and because of that, I feel like I don’t belong.  I think it’s time for me to take a sabbatical and figure out what that means for me, I’ve been attending church for probably close to my 60 years, so this is a very painful realization.

And then I came to work.  Early in my career, after I first became a manager at Touche Ross, before we merged and became Deloitte, we had a management training session where I had my first exposure to the Myers Briggs Personality Test.  As we sat there with the session leader, he put on the board everyone’s personality type spread out over a long line.  There was a huge cluster of X’s on one side of the continuum, and then way over on the other side, there was one lonely X.  Some in the group started chuckling, and then finally someone said, “McCullough”.  Yes, McCullough.

I shared that story recently with Hailey, and I told her that I’ve come to the realization, that I’ve never fit in anywhere where I’ve worked.  Well, I could probably put a small caveat to that, I fit in at Goodwill Industries of Dayton, but I was there just a short period of time.  But the remainder of my 38 years or so of working, I just don’t fit in.  I’m good at what I do, I’ve been successful, but I just don’t enjoy it, I picked the wrong profession (I know, I know, every child grows up dreaming of being an accountant, what’s wrong with me?).

I told Hailey, I’ve always been a salmon swimming upstream, and to be honest, it’s getting exhausting. As we talked through it, we talked further on the topic of fitting in versus belonging.  I started thinking about some of my colleagues and how they have figured out how to fit in, and how they have been much happier than me.  I realized the only one who is unhappy about my inability to fit in is me.  I keep swimming against the current, and I keep getting beaten back.  I don’t belong, but I’m too stubborn to fit in. 

Then Hailey, as usual, asked the critical question, “I think I know the answer to this, but would you have it any other way?”  I thought about it for a second, and answered, “No.  I’m not a fitter inner (I know, great grammar).  I just won’t do it.”  But, yet again, what does that mean for me?

"True seeing touches the heart and authentic being expresses it"

Well, it’s a journey, and I may be 60, but I don’t think the journey is quite over for me yet (hopefully).  I think, my time in yoga these last three years has awakened me.  I think this last year with Hailey has awakened me.  I think this last year of reading Rolf Gates' book "Meditations on Intention and Being" has been amazing for me.  And I think these few months in our book club has awakened me.  A sense of belonging is important to me, and I just can’t be someone who I’m not.  While some of these are painful realizations, they’re important ones that have to happen. 

I’ll close with something fun and uplifting because that’s what this blog post is really about, even if it doesn’t seem that way.  While I never like to call out any specific yoga teacher, because most of them are so incredible, I’ll share the following quote that Valerie shared with us on Saturday (the picture to the right is also a quote she shared earlier this year).  Dr. Seuss is one of my favorite philosophers, and this one really seemed to fit me at the moment:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

A Call for the Separation of Church and State

Editor's Note: For the first time ever, I have a guest writer!  My son Patrick asked if he could guest write a blog about a topic near and dear to both of our hearts.  I of course said yes.

Given the horrifying and troubling nature of recent events, I think we can all agree that America is plagued not only by a devastating pandemic but also by many, many other problems. We have witnessed death after death of black men and women at the hands of police, we have seen militias show up at (mostly) peaceful protests armed and ready to engage in senseless acts of violence, and we have heard prominent leaders spew vitriol meant to perpetuate fears and deepen the divide between fellow Americans. But I’m not here to talk about any of that (at least not directly); instead, I’d like to say that Christians need to get the hell out of politics and stay out, as using Christianity as a political platform is a disservice to God and to Jesus’ ministry on Earth. 

Most recently and importantly, we heard many speakers appeal to Christian values and principles during the Republican National Convention. Franklin Graham prayed, for Christ’s sake! What business did he have there? Oh, wait. It turns out that the late Rev. Billy Graham counseled every U.S. president since World War II. I get it. We all need advice, especially if we are as powerful and influential as the president of the United States. However, when counsel becomes a way to manipulate a country founded on the notion of freedom of religion into conforming to Christian standards, things get a little dicey. For instance, was Rev. Billy Graham invited to continue this tradition in an official capacity or was it up to the president to decide for himself whether or not he wanted to be counseled by this man? I mean no disrespect, but Christianity and politics should only mix insofar as we are supposed to pray for our leaders. 

Apparently, Franklin Graham is also organizing a prayer march later in the month of September, which is well within his constitutional rights, but hear his reasoning: “We’re just going to ask people to come and pray. We’re going to ask God to bless this country again.” Now, on the surface there doesn’t seem to be too much wrong here. But God blesses people, not nations. He blesses descendants, and through the descendants of Abraham He blessed the entire world with the gift of eternal life. When we read the prophecies in the Old Testament, they are in terms of descendants and lineage, not in terms of national affiliations. I’ll say it one more time: God does NOT bless nations. Listen to this prophecy from 2 Samuel:

 “When your days are over and you rest with your ancestors, I will raise up your offspring to succeed you, your own flesh and blood, and I will establish his kingdom. He is the one who will build a house for my Name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever.”

Notice the word choice. When prophets speak of the coming messiah, they talk about flesh and blood and lineage. They never talk about the nation of Israel or any would-be Christian nation. Why? Because God cares about people, not earthly powers.

With that being said, no nation should aspire to be a Christian nation. God had no desire to have an earthly kingdom in the first place. In 1 Samuel 8, the Israelites ask for a king because they want to be like other nations and demonstrate their power and dominion. This is understandable, given that the memory of a crushing defeat and loss of the Ark of the Covenant at the hands of the Philistines was still fresh on their minds. However, listen to what God tells Samuel:

 “But when they said, ‘Give us a king to lead us,’ this displeased Samuel; so he prayed to the Lord. And the Lord told him: ‘Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king.’”

What was true about the Israelites in the Old Testament is true about Americans now. When we put Christians in positions of national leadership, we reject God as king and place more importance on worldly kingdoms than on the kingdom of Heaven. Jesus didn’t come down from Heaven in order to create an earthly kingdom; rather, he came to establish a heavenly kingdom, His kingdom. His contemporaries expected a military ruler who would restore the former glory of the kingdom of Israel. But Jesus’ mission was more important than worldly power. Christians who seek political power to influence nations to conform to Christian standards and Christians who desire individuals of that nature are not acting like Jesus.

In fact, Jesus and the early Church in Rome undermined worldly expectations regarding His mission over and over again. When the Israelites who would later deny and reject Jesus expected Him to deliver them from the Romans, Jesus preached peace and giving “to Caesar what is Caesar’s.” He didn’t run for office or try to influence Pontius Pilate or any other Roman official. He didn’t even come to depose King Herod. He came to clarify the nature of God’s covenant with the Israelites and to extend it to all humanity, and He didn’t need political office to do so.

Time and time again, when followers and disciples would rather take up arms or establish cabals to overthrow oppressive rulers, the messaging remained the same: Put down your sword, take off your breastplate and replace them with the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18). Growing up going to Christian school, I heard this passage used to excite and encourage warriors of God. Today, I look at it through different eyes. Before Paul got to Ephesus, the place had a proud tradition of warriors. One theory suggests that the city had been founded by the Amazons. A bustling port city, it changed hands via many conquerors who sought control over it due to its economic desirability. This city had seen bloodshed and the heat of battle over and over again. Understanding the context, Paul’s words mean so much more. As Christians, it is not our place to wage wars for earthly kingdoms. It is not our place to exercise dominion over nations or the values and ideals that they promote. Very likely, there were warriors or people who would understand the world in terms of violence and dominance in Paul’s intended audience. His use of militaristic language would reach these people and resonate with them. This isn’t about mobilizing people to wage or engage in spiritual warfare on Earth. The passage promotes a laying down of implements of violence and replacing them with symbols of peace.

There are many other directions I could go with this, many other passages from scripture to reference. I take this topic very seriously because I believe that Christians in America are wrong. I believe that they promote hate and are more concerned with America looking like they do than with they themselves looking like Jesus. Politicians on both sides have used Christianity as a way to promote their moral character, but it seems particularly egregious at this time, given that these so-called Christians show up at protests with paintball guns or worse. Stop trying to make America a Christian nation because, frankly, God doesn’t want it and America isn’t worthy of His blessing.