The Chocolate Poet Society

 

Editor’s Note: As noted in my last blog post, I just completed my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training course.  I had two posts, the first was about gratitude, this is a tribute to a beautiful group of people, who gave me the gift of belonging.  I will be forever grateful to them.  I just hope my words do them justice.

It was inevitable, it’s really surprising it took as long as it did.  We had a three-story house in the woods in the north Georgia mountains, and due to the fact I was the only male, I had a private room with a private bath.  I think about the second day, a few of my fellow classmates wanted to see what my room looked like.  They came crashing in, marveling at the room, and of course, eyeing up the beautiful bathroom with the freestanding bathtub.  And then Staci noticed that I had my shades pulled down on the one set of windows in the bedroom, and she shrieked, “Why do you have these shades down!  You’re missing a beautiful view!”  And she proceeded to raise the shades and expose me to the outside world.

Way back in the fall, when Laurel and I took a trip to France with Sheila Ewers on a Yoga Retreat, I mentioned to Sheila that I wanted to take the 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training course.  She was thrilled, and much to my dismay, in January or so of this year, she reached out to me to take me up on it.  Oh my God, what have I gotten myself into?  As is very typical for me, I immediately went into flight mode, my standard answer to any challenge, the unicorn in me came out.  I started thinking of the many reasons why I couldn’t, or shouldn’t, do this. 

The requirements were intense.  Over roughly two months, I would have to travel to Georgia four times for weekend training events, and one time for a nine-day event at a house in the north Georgia mountains, along with nine Wednesday night virtual calls for two hours at a time.  If I were any good at math, I’d realize, 200 hours is a lot of time.

The first weekend together, we gathered, eight students, and two teachers, and as noted, I was the only male.  Over the course of the weekend, there were times when some of my classmates would talk about various women-related issues, and then they would turn to me and say, “sorry Steve”.  At the end of the weekend, I said to Sheila, “I don’t want them to hold anything back, they can say anything they want in front of me, I need to feel like I belong.”  And Sheila responded, “I really don’t think that will be a problem with this group.”  And she was right.

The next weekend was incredible.  I was struggling mightily with the Sanskrit and eventually the anatomy, but I kept feeling so comfortable with my group.  They were such a menagerie of personalities, and I just loved something about each of them.  Truth be known, I couldn’t wait for that third weekend, I just loved being around them.  They were so open and honest, and so willing to let me in.

As the time came for the nine days together, I started getting apprehensive yet again.  The feeling that I just don’t belong, that I wasn’t worthy to do this, that I’m just not good enough kept coming up, and I was trying to figure out why or how I could back out.  And then a funny thing happened….

The one night a few days before I was to leave, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I had a sharp pain in my right calf, probably a cramp, but it didn’t feel like a cramp.  I had an instant where I thought it was a blood clot again, I had one a few years ago in that same calf.  I panicked, and thought, no!  I won’t be able to finish the training if I have a blood clot.  And I knew then how badly I wanted this.

When I arrived at the house, I had my usual apprehension.  I don’t belong, I shouldn’t be here, I’m not worthy… But, I have grown in my abilities to know when to use the tools in my toolbox.  I phoned a friend.  Actually two.  I sent an e-mail to Hailey, and I told her I don’t feel like I belong, I want to leave, and I just wanted to cry.  She said, that’s OK, if you want to cry, then you should cry.  I talked to Laurel, and of course, she knows me better than anyone, and she reassured me, these are just normal feelings. 

As the days wore on, I became more comfortable  I have become so much better at knowing myself, knowing what I need and who I am.  But it was so much more than that.  Everyone gave me my space and allowed me to be me.  There was a day when I was really down, and instead of living one of Laurel’s yoga cards that says “Perfectly Imperfect”, I was telling myself that I’m “Perfectly Incompetent”.  The good news is that I know that this can be me sometimes, and I will get past it, but
also, everyone let me have my space and didn’t try to fix me, they were just there for me. 

I still find it hard to believe that we spent so much time together, living with each other for nine days, starting at 7 in the morning until 9 or 10 at night, and we got along so well.  It was one of the most magical experiences I’ve ever had in my life, I missed Laurel deeply, but I was so sad to have to say goodbye and leave when our time was done.  It sounds so trite to say, we laughed, we cried, we shared our emotions, but we did, and there were so many moments that were so meaningful and touching, I won’t ever be able to forget them.

There are so many moments I could share, but of course, those are our private moments, but I’ll share just one, because I don’t think it would violate anyone’s trust, and frankly, I thought it was incredibly funny.  It was the one breakfast, toward the end of our stay.  We had a requirement to remain silent each morning until after breakfast.  As we were having breakfast in silence, I took a bite of food, and immediately shuddered at the taste.  Something wasn’t right.  Staci and Carley immediately started laughing at the face I made.  Not deterred, I thought, maybe it was one bad spot.  So I took another bite.  Another shudder.  Staci burst out laughing, and said, “Why did you take another bite!”  She and Carley were laughing and crying, and then I looked up, and Phyllis had tears rolling down her face.  When I finally got myself under control, and had stopped laughing, I looked at the end of the table, and Meenu had tears rolling down her face too.  Yes, we laughed, and we laughed so hard, we cried.  And I had to fall on my sword and confess to Sheila that the silence had been broken, and it was all because of me.

Going back to the beginning, after Staci unceremoniously raised my shades, I gradually opened my

windows.  It probably took a day or two, but I remember the one night as I was lying in bed, I kept thinking, what is that noise?  It finally dawned on me, it was the waterfall behind the house.  I had these beautiful woods outside my windows, I had this majestic waterfall, and I still didn’t realize it for a couple days, that’s how closed off I’ve been to the world around me.  It was such a gift that Staci gave me that day.

We still had one weekend left, we had our final test, which I was scared shitless for, I still couldn’t seem to grasp the Sanskrit or the anatomy.  Thankfully, Staci and Jacey put together flash cards online, which I studied probably at least 50 times.  If it weren’t for those,  I wouldn’t have passed the test.  More importantly, we had our final time together, and the tears flowed.  And flowed.  And flowed some more.  We also had a great deal of laughter and fun, but it was a difficult moment to have to say goodbye.

At our last group setting, we each had to say what we planned to do, to live by going forward.  Back at our mountain house, we had a ceremony where we said goodbye to our “Loyal Soldier”.  That is who we use to protect us from the outside world.  In my case, I said goodbye to “Stone Cold Steve McCullough”.  Throughout my life, I withdraw my emotions, so that no one can see what I’m feeling, what hurts.  I don’t want anyone to see inside, to see the real me.  The funny thing was when I called Laurel to ask her what she thought my Loyal Soldier was, she said it immediately, so I guess I’m more transparent than I thought I was.  At least to her.  I told the group, I’m going to start following what Mother Teresa said, I’m going to be honest and transparent, even if it does make me vulnerable.

“I am searching for something I have not lost” from “Einstein and the Rabbi”

So, why did I want to do this training so badly?  Truth be known, I desperately wanted to do this to find forgiveness.  I’ve been searching for 30 years for forgiveness, and I thought I could find it here.  I had looked everywhere else, maybe this was where I would find it.  On our last Sunday together, the day of our graduation, I read the line above.  I also got horribly lost on my morning run, which seems so poetic for this journey.

If you read my last blog, I said that I started yoga to find my breath, but I found so much more.  Similarly, I set out on this journey to find forgiveness, but I received so many wonderful gifts, and I realized, I never lost forgiveness, it’s been there all this time, I just need to figure out how to embrace it. 

There were so many other gifts that I received throughout this experience.  The greatest gift?  Belonging.  It’s been years since I’ve felt that I belong anywhere.  This wonderful group of people gave me the gift of belonging.  After some initial trepidation, I felt so comfortable anytime we were together, it meant so much to me.  I can’t thank them enough.

Last comment and I’m done, and again, from “Einstein and the Rabbi”.  A few days after the reading above, I read this, which seemed like a special message jut for me, based on the age cited.  It said:

“Rabbi, I realize I have a gift, and all I need to do is just be me.  God gives you gifts.  Use them.  Don’t be ashamed.  I’m 61 years old.  It’s OK if others don’t like my work.  My work’s OK.  I’m OK.”

Belonging.  And allowing me to just be me. 

Many thanks to The Chocolate Poet Society.

Expressing Gratitude - For My Mat

 Editor’s Note: I just completed my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training course.  I have two posts, and essentially they are out of order, but for a reason.  I believe expressing gratitude should be a high priority, so I wanted to post it first.  And the second will be the story and a tribute to “The Chocolate Poet Society”, an amazing group of people who made me feel like I belong.  I want to ensure I devote enough time and effort to write about what they mean to me.

They came by it honestly

This weekend our daughter Megan and her husband Thomas are celebrating their 11^th wedding anniversary.  Our sons, Patrick and Sean, sang before the wedding, and even wrote an original song that they performed.  Shortly before the ceremony, I went to their hotel room, where they were practicing, to take them to the church.  When I got there, they told me, “We just wrote a new verse for the song”.  Since this was my first child getting married, I was a bit stressed, and I nearly lost my mind, and said, “You can’t add another verse!  You have to have this locked in!”  No matter, they added the new verse, and the song went well, and everything worked out beautifully. 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I was in the Georgia mountains at a heavenly house with a waterfall

right behind it, in the middle of the woods, and I was preparing my first yoga class, an hour-long class I had to teach for my fellow students, The Chocolate Poet Society, and about five minutes or so before teaching my class, I was tweaking it a bit.  I can add this sequence, I can talk about this, I can change my theme, I can add some music, I can…. And it hit me, Patrick and Sean came by it honestly, I was going to tweak this until the bitter end.

Going into this, I never imagined that I could ever put together an hour-long yoga class, I didn’t think I’d be able to sequence it, I wouldn’t be able to theme it, I’d lose track of what I was doing, I thought of all the reasons I couldn’t do this.  As the nine-day journey progressed, Sheila Ewers and Tami Roberts, our instructors, did a wonderful job of preparing us, building bit by bit, and parceling out enough each day to give us the confidence that we could do it.  Still, I was scared, and I didn’t know if I could do it.

But then, it all started flowing, and I knew why it was flowing, which gave me the idea of how to theme my class.  I realized that I could do this because of the great teachers I’ve had over the years, and I set my theme as a theme of gratitude for all of them.  And I told my story of my yoga journey, a relatively short one, but an important journey all the same.

I told my class why I started practicing yoga five years ago.  I had run in a Team Marathon at WIKA in Germany, and I really, really sucked.  I was very upset and angry, and when I got home, I told Laurel, I want to start going to yoga with you.  The reason was that when Laurel and I would run, she ran with such ease, and her breath was incredible.  She breathed so effortlessly while I sounded like a chain smoker running down the road.  I wanted what she had, I wanted to learn to breathe like that to become a better runner.

Laurel warned me that yoga wouldn’t be easy for me.  I said, “No shit, have you seen my hamstrings?  I know this won’t be easy”.  I remember going to my first yoga class, and Megan Kearney, the owner of Ebb & Flow, started off by talking about how some people approach yoga like a lion, ready to attack, while others are like a unicorn, ready to run out of the back of the room.  No doubt, I was a unicorn.  And there are still times, I’m a unicorn.  Anytime a teacher brings up hamstrings or quads, I’m ready to escape, but I stick it out and put the work in.

I told the class that every day when I step on the mat, I start by saying, “Thank you for bringing me here”.  That expression of gratitude is for Laurel for inviting me to join her at yoga, it’s for God, it’s for anyone who has played a part in this.  Every time I step on the mat, I express my gratitude. 

It’s a Great Day for Yoga!

And I then I say something I learned years ago from the late, great Badger Bob Johnson, a hockey coach.  Badger Bob was one of the most positive people who ever lived, and he would always say, “It’s a great day for hockey!”  So I start my practice by saying, “It’s a great day for yoga!”

And I asked the class, “Isn’t it a great day for yoga?  I think so.”  And I told them, “Yoga is the teacher, I’m simply the conduit or vessel.  I’ll do my best to allow you to have a great day on the mat.”

As I worked through my sequencing, again, while it wasn’t easy, I felt so comfortable because of the many classes I’ve had with so many great teachers.  Throughout the class,  I weaved in some of the names of teachers and what they brought to me.  I’ll keep this anonymous, except for one.  I couldn’t resist when the time was right to tell the class to come down to their “hiney” as a tribute to Valerie Had. 

Was my class flawless?  Oh my God, no! Early in the class I was going through a sequence of Low Crescent Lunge poses to Warrior I Poses to Warrior II poses.  As I was on the Warrior II series, I had a moment of panic as I realized I had skipped right over the Warrior I series.  As the momentary panic attack subsided, I was able to realize I could just go back and cover the Warrior I series, so it went off without any issues.

Everybody Loves to Dance!

Before we went into Dancer pose, I cued it up by saying the above, which I thought about afterward, really isn’t true.  Truth be known, I hate to dance.  I can’t dance, I have no rhythm, I can’t even clap along to a song.  But you know, upon further review, that’s one of the beauties of yoga.  We are together in a studio, we are a community, but we are also on an island on the mat.  For the most part, I don’t notice anyone else in the class, and I doubt they notice me.  We are together, but we are alone, and we can express ourselves however we’d like to.  So yoga is the one place I can dance, I can dance like no one is watching me.

The funny thing is, I used to hate balance poses, but now I love them.  It’s not that I can do them any better than I  used to, it all has to do with how I view them.  Being a Type A, I used to get so angry when I couldn’t hold a balance pose, now, I just take whatever the day brings, if I can balance, great, if not, there’s always tomorrow.  And I can dance.

Just Breathe

I told the class that it wasn’t until just recently that I realized, I had accomplished what I had set out to do in the beginning.  I learned to breathe.  I was out for a run the one morning, and I realized I had this beautiful, smooth breath.  The irony is I didn’t really care anymore.  I really don’t run that much these days, I mainly do yoga, so I accomplished what I set out to do, but I’ve achieved so much more.

As we wound down the class, I read the Jim Valvano quote above.  I told the class that every time I step on the mat, I laugh, I think, I cry.  I came to yoga to learn to breathe, but I’ve gotten so much more.  Yoga gives me a heck of a day, every day.

If you know me, you know that I’m probably my worst critic.  I can tell you 100 things that I’m not good at, and maybe 2-3 I am good at.  Unfortunately that’s the way I’m wired.  But I was pretty proud of myself.  And still, I knew how I got here and why I was able to do this.  I’m grateful for those who have given me this opportunity and given me the ability to do something I never thought I could do.

My roots were at Ebb & Flow where I learned so much about anatomy, and I also learned what yoga really was.  I learned so much about the beauty of yoga at Blue Lotus Yoga in Duluth and John’s Creek, and was fortunate enough to learn under some incredible teachers.  My love for yoga expanded tremendously during those years and led me to take this course (As a side note, I traveled, I think, five times to Georgia from Ohio in the past two months because there is only one person I would ever want to train under, and that’s Sheila Ewers).  And this past year and a half at The Wonder Within has been amazing.  The teachers there are so precise in their cueing, I could hear them in my mind as I went through my class.  The cueing came so naturally for me, it was almost like second nature.  Lastly, while I know I’m biased, I really believe that Laurel is one of the best teachers I’ve ever seen at theming a class.  She themes her class with a different message each week, and she gives her students a card, similar to the one below, as a memento of the class.  I’ve seen her put in so many hours and effort to theme, and I think it really helped me come up with a theme for my class. 

Although I think she gets hers done sooner than five minutes before class….

Thank you for bringing me here