“You are only
free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place
at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” Dr. Maya
Angelou
As many of you know, I embarked on a new journey a few months
ago, shedding the corporate life that I’ve lived for close to forty years to
find my dharma, to find where I belong. Spoiler
alert, I’m not sure I found my dharma, and I learned a lot about belonging, in
many ways, particularly from reading Brene Brown’s “Braving the Wilderness” and
the quote above from Dr. Angelou. Most
importantly, I learned a great deal about myself, or maybe I re-learned some
things about myself, and found out some new things that somehow I never knew in
my 63 years on this earth.
Old Dog, Old
Tricks
Sadly, in some ways, I just haven’t changed. I still overcome my lack of organizational
skills with brute force and over-preparation.
As I started out the semester, I would go in early, stay late, and work
on accounting problems all day from the chapters in each of the courses I was
teaching. Thankfully, I was able to
sprinkle in some classes in between, or potentially I would have gone
completely insane.
I would sit in my office, doing problem after problem, moving
from textbook to textbook, online problem to online problem, wearing myself out
each day. On weekends, the process was
the same, the only difference was I was doing it sitting in the backroom of the
house. Continually, working problem
after problem.
In the process, I discovered a new variant of a recent
disease – Accounting Problem Foggy Brain.
I found that doing hours and hours of accounting problems led me to this
dull, numbing sensation where I really couldn’t think clearly anymore. I’d do a problem, I’d check the answer, and
no matter how easy the problem was, I’d get it wrong. I’d get so angry at myself, how in the world
could you possibly have gotten that wrong?
It didn’t matter, my brain was just too foggy. Now, a smarter person may have walked away,
but I would go right back at it, and try again.
Eventually, as I would discuss this with Laurel, she would
have some suggestions, like, why don’t you get up and take a walk around campus? Do you really have to go in first thing in
the morning? Why don’t you work a little
from home, and then go in? Why don’t you
go to the Library or somewhere else and do some work from there? Hmmm, maybe she has a point?
I did eventually take some of her advice, once in a while, I
would go for a walk during the day, enjoy the beauty of the campus, not nearly
enough, but I did. I did start going in
a bit later on some days, I’d do some work at home to break it up a bit, which
helped. I’d give my head a chance to
clear on my drive to work. Weekends were
still painful, I’d work hour upon hour straight, doing accounting problem after
accounting problem. While I know this
may be everyone’s dream, they can get a bit old after a while.
So I learned, or re-learned, that yet again, my standard way
of addressing any task or issue is to just work myself into the ground no
matter how efficient, or inefficient, that process is.
Well I Never
Expected That
It didn’t come to the surface immediately, but after a few
weeks I had a brand new discovery, and something I never expected – I was
really lonely.
It took me a while to figure it out, and as noted, I never
expected it. I’ve been an introvert all
my life, so I didn’t really think or believe human interaction was that
important to me, but I found out, the hard way, that it was.
Outside of my time in the classroom, which really isn’t as
much human interaction as it is presentation, I didn’t have much human
interaction. I had spent the last 40
years or so working in organizations, with people, in teams, and I spent a lot
of time interacting with my personnel, colleagues, customers, vendors, whomever. When I was a CFO or General Manager, I would
consciously walk the shop floor or throughout the building talking to people in
the organization. I always believed that
this was part of my responsibility, making sure the people working there, doing
the value-added jobs, could see me, talk to me, tell me any issues or problems
they were having.
I discovered that it wasn’t just out of a sense of duty I
did this, it was because I needed that interaction. I used to love to write “words of wisdom” on
Marci’s whiteboard and wait for her to come in and read it, and then we’d laugh
and laugh about it. I loved to twist Yelena’s
ponytail and hear her yell a fake “Ow!”.
I loved to ask Szabo, how’s it going today, and almost, without fail,
hearing “It’s all jacked up”, and then find out why it was all jacked up. I loved to quote “Stepbrothers” to Jillian,
listen to Nancy say, “here’s what I’m going to tell you…”, hear Bernadette
laugh, try to convince Jessica she needed another cat, tell Becky “make it so,
Number One!”
I found that the university setting is kind of like a bunch
of independent contractors working in the same place. We see each other, we have some interaction,
but for the most part, we all do our own thing.
Most don’t get the sheer joy of doing accounting problems all day, but
they probably do some other, more mundane, tasks each day. There’s just not a whole lot of interaction
amongst us, and we all go about our business and go home each day, to start
over again the next day.
As noted, I learned something new about myself, something I
never expected. I never realized how
much that social interaction meant to me, until it was gone. I couldn’t believe on a campus full of
people, how lonely I could feel and how hard that was for me.
Other Than That
Mrs. Lincoln, How Was the Play?
Most importantly, I really enjoyed the classroom, and I
enjoyed the students. Of course, it wasn’t
perfect, I’m sure I was a bit rusty in the classroom, it had been about six
years since I taught, and I learned along the way some things I’ll do differently in the
Spring, but overall, I enjoyed being in the classroom and teaching.
The students were a box of chocolates, a mix of very good
and driven to not so much. It’s funny,
even though I would get frustrated with some of them at times, I grew to
appreciate each of them for what they brought to the classroom. I have a second post coming that highlights
this, but I came to realize that each of us is unique, and we all bring
something to the table, and I need to appreciate what each student brings to
the table, and for that matter, what each person anywhere brings to the table. Not always easy.
I found along the way that I need to set goals for myself,
and my teaching, but not set goals or expectations that I have no control
over. Actually, I can’t give myself that
credit, it was something that Hailey pointed out to me. I told her that my goals were that I would
educate my students the best I possibly could on accounting and business, and
that they would get as good of a grade as they hoped or expected. As she noted, I can set goals or expectations
for myself, those things I have control over, but if it involves my students,
that can only be a hope or wish that this happens. I don’t have complete control over it.
My biggest joy? I
taught three yoga classes on campus, all in the same week. This
may seem like nothing to many, but it was everything to me. To set the scene, for Wellness Week, the JEDI
(Justice, Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion) Council wanted to have two yoga classes
for students. They asked me, since they
knew I was technically, a yoga teacher.
I was going to chicken out, and ask Laurel to do it, but she is
currently teaching a bazillion classes a week, and I knew she couldn’t. So I agreed to teach the classes. Then another student asked if I could teach a
class for the one dorm the same week.
Sure, why not, what’s one more.
Surprisingly, I was incredibly calm, I was so nervous ever
thinking about teaching a class, but once I “had to”, and didn’t have a choice,
I wasn’t afraid. While I’m sure my
classes weren’t perfect, I really felt like they went really well. One of my students from my Cost Accounting
class, Jadelyn, came to all three of my classes, which I was deeply thankful
for, and it made me feel so much more comfortable knowing at least one student
in the room. And, I’m so excited to say,
we just started a Yoga Club on campus, and I’m going to be the Advisor for it.
Belonging
Somewhere, early in the semester, I had read “Braving the Wilderness”,
and I put it back on the shelf once I was done with it. I really
enjoyed the book, and I learned a lot about belonging, as I have from other
Brene Brown books, but it wasn’t until just a few weeks ago that the lesson
became clearer.
I’m not sure why, but I pulled the book off the shelf, I
think I was looking for a quote in the book, and I stumbled on the subtitle for
the book:
The Quest for True
Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
The first part, I get, I’ve been trying to figure out where
I truly belong all of my career, and really haven’t figured that out. And potentially, I never will. The second part is what hit me, and I can’t believe
I never noticed it or let it sink in. What
I lack is the courage to stand alone. That’s
what I’ve been missing, and I don’t know why I never even noticed that on the
cover of the book, maybe I didn’t want to see it, but now, I have, and now, I
know.
To grant myself a bit of kindness, again, second post
coming, I think I’m starting to see that, and I’m starting to live it. Embarking on a brand new journey took some
courage, and no doubt, I’ve learned, in many ways, I’m standing alone. Taking on teaching a yoga class, that definitely
pushed my courage levels. And I’m
pursuing other possible avenues, other ways to stand alone. Some may pan out, some may not, but at least I’m
venturing out and using my courage to stand alone. We’ll see where it takes me.
The price is
high. The reward is great.
