Editor’s Note: I wrote a different version of this a few months ago, but I couldn’t publish it. A few have read that version, so some of it may be familiar.
“I don’t remember it being like this before”.
You know, on a certain level, she was right, Laurel is always right.
We were discussing one of my recent plunges downward, my dive into depression. There are many things that can set it off. Some of the recent ones included:
• Our family gathering for my Mom’s 90th birthday celebration. As is usual, I looked forward to it so much, I enjoyed it so much, that afterward, I crashed. Unfortunately, this is somewhat normal for me.
• Bennett White at WIKA lost his Mom, as did Kathi Keeler, a dear friend from Ohio, as did Megan Kearney at Ebb & Flow, back to back to back. When I spoke to Bennett he talked about giving his Mom’s eulogy, and it rewoke in me memories of my Dad dying and all of the circumstances surrounding that. Forgiveness, mainly self-forgiveness, is not an easy path for me.
• The United Methodist Church voting for The Traditional Plan which continues the denomination’s ban on ordination and marriage of the LGBTQ community. This one hurt on many levels, but it leaves me with the difficult decision of whether to resign from the Board of Trustees of United Theological Seminary, a place, and people, that I love.
While I know that many of us can get sad under these circumstances, I can go pretty deep when life happens. And as Laurel noted, it’s not been quite the same lately. My dives downward had become more frequent and deeper.
After this interaction, I decided to write a blog post about my (limited) understanding of depression. As I’ve noted before, I’ve lost three relatives to suicide, or depression, including my brother Billy, and my son Patrick battles it. I’ve been able to write profusely about depression and its impact, using my brother Billy and Patrick as my main characters, but I’ve hidden behind the page, not admitting that so much of this applies to me too. I didn’t want to admit it, I didn’t want to expose myself for who I am.
I was going to write about the frustration of going through depression, about the frustration of people asking you, “do you feel better now”? No, I don’t feel better. As I’ve noted, depression is terminal, it’s not something where you eventually get better, you may be able to manage it or deal with it through counseling or drugs, but you don’t “get better”.
I was going to write that I’ve chosen my own path, my own treatment, which is by no means the right answer for everyone. Years ago, I took medication to even out the high’s and low’s, but I decided I didn’t want that anymore. I’ve decided that for me to be the “best me”, I need to experience the “worst me”. Through the pain of sinking deep I can develop a greater understanding of what others experience and I can really learn a great deal more about myself and grow as a person.
I was going to write that really this may not be the best approach for everyone, I’ve never really seriously considered suicide, so on a certain level, my depression isn’t as awful as some experience and it’s not life threatening. For those who are at a deeper level, I’d suggest something more, most importantly, getting good counseling. That is to me the key to getting through depression. But, good counseling is not so easy to come by. I’ve been through many bad ones, and good ones are really hard to find.
I was going to write that I haven’t chosen the counseling path, with no good excuse, other than the fact that I am “religious” about listening to good sermons at church and really embracing them and studying them. I’ve also been blessed by some incredible clergy at Shallowford Presbyterian Church, who in each of their own way, can bring compassion and meaningful dialogue to every situation. Also, I listen intently at yoga to one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, Megan Kearney, who has taught me that “my brain is lying to me” and I need to sometimes tell my brain, “Wait. Stop. I’m not going there”, when my brain wants to take me down a painful path. But, yes, I’m still very much a work in progress.
I was going to say all of that in my blog post to share what I’m going through to hopefully help those who are going through similar struggles because I firmly believe that we are all in this together, and we need to share the pain to help us all heal together. But then, life happened again, but that’s another story, and that’s not my story….
Thankfully, something else happened, and that was Lent. As simple as this may sound, it’s hard to believe what an impact Lent can have on all of us, and in this case, the impact it had on me. As a part of our Lenten study in our adult education class, we started reading Adam Hamilton’s, “Simon Peter”. So much of the story discusses those times when the waves are overwhelming, when you are “walking with Jesus in the storms”. While the stories and the visions of waves and storms were inspirational, it also pointed me back to a great sermon from two years ago from Catherine Foster, “Get Back in the Boat”. The pinnacle of the sermon told us while Peter walked on water, maybe we should be following a different path:
“When the setbacks and storms of life come, and they will, don’t try to get out of the boat and walk on water. Stay in the boat, work with the brothers and sisters that God has placed at your side, look for God in the storm, and worship the Lord for His provision and grace.”
Lent happened, and I was able to remember and focus on what can get me through the waves and what can bring me back from the depths. And you know, while those big things in life can send me deep, it’s often the really little things in life that can bring me back up again. It’s been the little things that have raised me up, have brought me above the waves, and have kept me above the waves lately. I sometimes marvel at how the simplest gestures in life, those moments that just take a few minutes or seconds, can mean so much, but they do.
Recently Laurel has been doing a “Five Things Friday”, those things that she has been thankful for. I’ve loved reading those, she really put a lot of work into it, and they were so meaningful to read. I’m not nearly as introspective as Laurel, but if I could just give a few of those little things that raised me up and helped me through the storms and the waves I’ve experienced the last few months, they would be:
• Holly Hahn texting me after yoga the one day and asking, “Are you OK? You seemed sad today.” Sometimes you don’t realize that people are paying attention and notice, and it’s comforting to know that.
• Bob Smithers sending me a note of thanks for a Clinging Cross I had sent him and how meaningful it was to him.
• Jeff Wood being the really proud Dad and showing me a video of his daughter hitting a game-winning home run in a college softball game.
• Sister Marita Beumer telling me how much my Journey of Faith meant to her when I gave it at United Theological Seminary, because it hit so close to home for her.
• Being a student in one of Laurel’s yoga classes. While Laurel can often be self-deprecating, she is really good at teaching yoga, she is such a compassionate and caring person, and she exudes that when she is teaching.
OK, it’s clear from what I said before, the waves will keep coming, and I’ll be heading downward once life happens again. But, I’m not as ill-prepared as I have been in the past. While the waves seem to be pushing me deeper, I’m developing more and more the coping skills and the people around me that can help me through the storms. As long as I use them of course.
"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."
A few months ago, after a difficult time, our daughter Kelly reached out to see if I wanted to spend some time together. I told Kelly that I wouldn’t really be that much fun, I was pretty down. Kelly replied back, “isn’t that when people are supposed to show up?” Wow, she was right.
It was funny, the next morning, I saw a post on Facebook, it was Winnie the Pooh, Piglet and Eyeore. As many know, I’m a huge Winnie the Pooh fan. The post is about Eyeore being sad, and thinking he shouldn’t be around others, and the quote above is Winnie’s response. So yes, we had Kelly over, I probably wasn’t a whole lot of fun, but it was so nice to have her company. And Franklin and Rosie of course.
My final message to all of you. There are many broken people out there. Some are in your family, in your church, in your neighborhood, in your company. Find them, reach out to them, even if they are feeling sad, or alone, or not much fun to be around, spend some time with them. They will appreciate it, and so will you.
But my charge is to those of you, like me, who believe when you are in a deep dive, it is best to avoid people and be by yourself. Don’t. True friends are there for you anyway. Let them in, let them just be there for you while you are sorting through whatever you are sorting through. I know how hard it is to reach out to people and ask for prayers for whatever you are going through. There are so many people out there who would love to be there, just to support you, just to pray for you. It can make all the difference. Let them in.
