Awe

 

I recently finished the book, “Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life” by Dacher Keltner.  He gave many examples from art, literature, nature, humanness that demonstrated those moments that bring us awe.

As I read it, I thought about the moments in my life that brought me awe, and there are probably hundreds?  I guess so much of it depends on the type of person you are, and what you gravitate toward, but I found so many of mine fell into the realm of nature, and also forms of artistic expression.  I distilled some of the most meaningful to me into this short list, and really, part of this exercise or blog post is an invitation to you to think about those moments that have brought you awe.  One thing to consider, and you can probably see it from my list, some of these seem so trivial, but for whatever reason, the moment has stuck with me, and you probably have some similar experiences.

In no particular order (OK, I did put the two most meaningful first):

Wedding Day – There are of course so many aspects of marriage that can bring awe, there is so much about that particular day that can be simply incredible, but there is one thing that really captured me that day.  As I prepared and got ready, and as I stood there, waiting to come out with my best man, Dale, I was really nervous, of course, and really focused on not screwing this moment up.  I know I had a very inward gaze, just wanting to get through all of the pomp and circumstance, and get this day over with.

I then walk out, come to the front of the sanctuary, I turn around, and there are all of these people, some relatives, some close friends, some people I barely know, and some I don’t know at all.  And they’re all looking at me with these huge smiles on their faces.  It is such an incredible moment that these people are here for me, and they are happy for me.  OK, it was brief, it changed quickly once Laurel appeared at the end of the aisle, all the attention went to her, rightfully so, but for that one brief moment, I got to experience all of those eyes and smiles cast upon me. 

First Child – All of the births of our children were amazing in their own way for various reasons, but I’ll focus on the first, since that is the most life-changing.  As many know, the whole process of finding out you’re pregnant, the changes in your life, the changes in the woman’s body (no idea how a woman does it, still amazes me), the long nine months waiting, and then the day, and no idea whatsoever what that day will bring.

And then the day comes, and you experience one of the most incredible moments of your life.  I have a difficult time in general with science, and I still struggle with the whole concept of child birth, but that feeling, when this tiny body comes out, and the screaming begins, it makes me wonder, what is this tiny creature thinking at that moment?  I was so nice and snug and warm, and all of a sudden, lights, noise, cold air!  My sense of wonder and amazement is not just what Laurel and I experienced, but trying to imagine what Megan experienced in that moment.

The Bat Whisperer – When we lived in Georgia, we had a back deck, and a patio table with an umbrella on that deck.  The one day, Laurel went out, and opened up the umbrella.  This tiny bat plopped down onto the table, seemingly dead, it apparently got stuck up in the top of the umbrella when it got closed.  Laurel sensed that the bat wasn’t dead, and she got an eye dropper with water, and slowly dropped water into the bat’s mouth.  Gradually, the bat came back to life, and quickly flew off, able to live another day.  I’m not quite sure what amazed me more, Laurel’s quick thinking, her desire to bring this bat back to life, or that it actually worked.

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald – For those who know me, particularly the men from my former Small Group, this has always been my “go to” sermon.  Sandy McConnel preached this sermon on November 12, 1995.  Sandy is one of the greatest preachers I’ve ever heard, if not the best, he’s in the top two.  I always lived to hear his sermons in church, he never disappointed.

But, this was a really special one, and I’m not sure if it was him that day or me, maybe it just really hit me like no other.  Sandy told the story of the song from Gordon Lightfoot, and he weaved the history of the true adventure into his sermon.  Then he said that incredible line from the song:

“Does anyone know where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?”

Again, don’t know if was the power of Sandy’s sermon, or just what was in me at the moment, but the church, mind you, a huge, impressive old church, Westminster Presbyterian Church, grew completely silent when he said that line.  Nothing.  Dead silence.  I can still feel it today, I still experience it, the chill of total silence in such a huge space with so many people sitting there listening.

Niagara Falls – A few years ago, after many years of failing miserably at taking Laurel on a nice vacation, I told her, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.  Hawaii?  Europe?  Australia? Anywhere.  Her answer?  I want to go to Niagara Falls.  Really?

So we went to Niagara Falls.  I had a bazillion hotel points, so we got a suite overlooking the falls, and we spent all of our days at some point, walking along the falls.  I was mesmerized by the power of the water, it was incredible.  I would sit in our hotel room, watching the water rush over the precipice, I would stand right at the point where the water moved from this nice, brisk movement along the top, and then see it cascade over the cliff.  I was enthralled at the power of the water, and the fact that it just never stops, it just keeps on coming, and so many times, I couldn’t take my eyes off of it.

Snake! – I was sitting in our family room in Georgia, as Laurel walks into the room, she screams.  OK, is that “there’s a burglar” scream, “there’s a mountain lion” scream, but no clue, until I saw it.  We often left our back door open for the dogs to go in and out, and a snake decided to cool off from the hot afternoon sun, and came through the back door. 

I quickly jumped up and found something, a broom in this case, to try to shoo him out the back door.  While I’m not a big fan of snakes, I wanted to know where he was, and get him out, before he found a place to hide in the house.  As I headed toward him, I was surprised at the speed with which he moved, they really look like they’re barely moving, but they’re so fast!  The next “oh shit” moment was the strength, he went along the back wall, and the dog dishes were there, and he flipped them in the air like they were paper plates.  Finally, when I was poking at him with the broom, I was amazed at how far away he could strike.  I had a broom in between him and me, but that wasn’t long enough, he had some serious spring to him.  Thankfully, he finally got frustrated, and headed back from whence he came.

Up, Up and Away – This one begs for some background.  Years ago, Laurel and I took one of our few vacations, and the vacation we took was to the south of France.  As a part of the vacation, we had the opportunity to take a hot air balloon ride.  Key point in all of this is that I’m deathly afraid of heights.  I thought I’d be able to deal with it, but no, I really struggled, and didn’t enjoy it very much at all.

Thirty years later or so, again, Laurel and I were in the south of France, this time on a yoga retreat, and again, we were taking a hot air balloon ride.  I was nervous, I worried I would fall back into my normal desire to sit in the bottom of the basket, but this time, it was different.  I really enjoyed it, and truly got to experience it.

What captured me was the quiet, and of course, it’s not completely quiet, you have the sound of the balloon being maintained with the fire, but there is so much serenity to floating across the fields, seeing and hearing the cows, the sheep, the dogs, all of the animals below, wondering what the hell is up there making that noise?  When I was able to truly enjoy it, and experience it, the quiet, the peacefulness, the serenity, really brought me into such a beautiful feeling.  I’m so thankful I had a second chance.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider – I was on a retreat with my former Small Group, and we were at a cabin, sitting out on the deck, drinking a beer, and talking.  Up in the rafters, there was a spider busily building his web, it was an incredible web, very large, very impressive.  All of a sudden, and I never knew spiders did this, and of course, I had never seen it done before or since, he quickly took his web down.  As fast as the web went up, the web came back down, and he was gone.  I was filled with astonishment seeing a tiny creature like that work so diligently to build his web, and with the same workman-like quality, take it back down again that quickly.

Nights in White Satin – Years ago, I would send jokes into a radio station in Dayton, and we’d get free tickets to go see various groups in concert at Riverbend in Cincinnati or other venues.  One of those wins was tickets to go see the Moody Blues at Riverbend.  It just so happened that Dale, my best man, worked for a TV station in Cincinnati, and he offered me tickets also to that same concert.  So we took a neighbor, we gave them our tickets, and used the tickets Dale gave us.

From the radio station, we had backstage passes to meet the band, we got an autographed song book, and we then found our seats for the concert.  We were about 10 rows back, center stage.  It was the Moody Blues, not quite in their prime, but close, with a full orchestra.  I’ve never experienced a concert like that, and I’m fairly positive, I never will.  I was struck with amazement at how well the group could mesh with the orchestra, and make it into a wonderful sound, and visual, experience.

Sea Lions on Fisherman’s Wharf – When I was with Barco, I took a business trip to San Francisco, and can’t remember for the life of me why, I ended up on Fisherman’s Wharf.  It was a nice day, so I was just standing, overlooking the harbor, and there were a bunch of sea lions on the docks.  They played, or I assume played, this continual game, where one would swim around, and plop up onto the dock, and they’d all start barking, and then one would jump off, swim around, and eventually plop back up on the dock, and they’d all start barking.  This game, or whatever it was, was endless.  I probably stood there for an hour or so just amazed that it just kept going and going and going.  They never seemed to tire of it, and frankly, neither did I.

I Want to Die Easy – Years ago, Westminster Presbyterian Church had a special musical event, featuring the Central State Chorus.  The Central State Chorus performs around the country, they were incredibly talented, and we had the opportunity to see them again last year, and that hasn’t changed.

The whole performance was outstanding, but there was one chilling moment, when they were singing the spiritual, “I Want To Die Easy”.  The song is powerful, in and of itself, but partway through, this young lady broke into a solo, and all of a sudden, her voice traveled up my spine.  I’ve never heard a voice like that, and I’ve never felt a voice like that, but the feeling running through my body was breathtaking, and I’ve never heard or felt something like that again.

Honk – Have you ever really watched geese?  I think most of us have experienced geese flying in formation, as common as it can be, it’s still fascinating.  Have you ever seen them land in water?  When we built our building with WIKA in Lewis Center, we had a retention pond right next to us, and the geese would swoop down, and right before they hit the water, they would untuck their feet, and start peddling really fast, so as they hit the water, they were already paddling away.  Really incredible the precision of their execution.

But, what really captured me was their communication.  I’d watch them out in the field, outside my window (I know, I should have been working, but they were so much fun to watch!), and just marvel at the communication amongst them.  The honking, the hissing, but mostly, the body language.  Wings spread wide, wings flapping, bobbing head, lowered head, neck pumping, so much talking back and forth, they never seemed to stop talking, even when they weren’t making a sound.

Grand Canyon – To be honest, it’s indescribable.  I’ve told people, I can’t explain the Grand Canyon, you can’t experience it with pictures or videos, you have to see it.  Laurel and I have taken two helicopter tours of the Grand Canyon, and flying there, seeing it from a distance, landing there, standing there, it’s a wonder of nature.  No, it’s indescribable, it is one of the most breathtaking sights I’ve ever seen, but you have to go see it, you won’t regret it.  I still find it hard to believe that it actually exists.

Cirque du Soleil – I remember the first time I ever experienced Cirque du Soleil, it was on a business trip to Las Vegas with my colleagues from WIKA.  We were sitting about halfway up the arena, and my boss, Michael Gerster, was giddy like a little kid.  To put it in perspective, Michael is a young guy like me, but he is tall and has this imposing presence, so it was really fun to see a grown man so excited.  Prior to the show, they had a clown walking through the crowd, playing various tricks, and I guess Michael was a prime target.  The clown put a bucket of popcorn on Michael’s head, and to be honest, I don’t remember the rest, but Michael loved it.

Once I saw this show, I was hooked completely.  I’ve probably “only” seen Cirque du Soleil 5-6 more times after that show, but it never disappoints.  I would sit there fascinated, in complete awe of what the performers could do, trapeze artists, contortionists, gymnasts, displays of grace, strength, balance, and while I’m sure they could tell you where they erred, where something went wrong, I still don’t remember a single mishap.  The performers executed unbelievable acts flawlessly in my eyes.

As I sat and thought about what brought me awe, these are the ones that stuck out the most.  I’m sure Laurel, or my children will say, what about?  I’m sure there will be many what abouts, and I’ll say, how could I have forgotten that one?  Actually, that will be the fun part for me, as I noted above, I hope you think about those moments that brought you awe, and I’m hopeful some people remind me of moments that brought me awe that didn’t quite make the short list.  I can relive them again, just like I’m reliving these.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Recently, Laurel and I found a show on the BBC, called Detectorists. It’s about two guys, Andy and Lance, who spend a great deal of their time with metal detectors, searching for treasure in the fields, and all of the strange cast of characters around them. It is slow, the humor is very subtle, but we fell in love with it, the characters are just so quirky and interesting. Andy and Lance have a couple of bitter rivals that they call Simon and Garfunkel, because the two look so much like Simon and Garfunkel. Throughout the show, there will be these little vignettes of Simon and Garfunkel songs that unless you listen carefully, you miss. Toward the end of the series, Simon and Garfunkel hit it big, and they came pulling up to the fields in a chauffeur-driven black SUV. As they get out of the vehicle, and I didn’t even catch it, Laurel did, a melody played, “The Sound of Silence”. Yes. As usual. I digress. 

I’ve plunged. Not nearly as deep, I’m sure, as I plunged a few years ago which led me to desperately search the Yellow Pages (OK, Google) and miraculously find Hailey. But I plunged. I was sad, angry, irritable, I couldn’t find any joy in anything, even yoga, I just was miserable. Where it hit its low point was the one night, Laurel lit into me. Now, there may be many times that Laurel gets angry with me, but it’s not often that she visibly gets angry with me. There was no doubt. I remember back when we had Snickers, he was our first dog, and he loved Laurel. She rarely got angry with him, but when she did, he would sink as low as he possibly could on the ground, and beg forgiveness. That was how I felt, I must have really screwed up to incur her wrath. I woke up the next morning anticipating the silent treatment, but thankfully, she’s not like me, she gets over these types of situations much better than I do.

 It's a Sad Man My Friend Who’s Living In His Own Skin and Can’t Stand the Company 

I had been difficult with her, I had been difficult with Little Bit and Daisy, and quite frankly, if I can’t be nice to the most important people in my immediate life, well, there’s only one conclusion I could draw…. 

You’re such an asshole Steve! 

For those of you who know me, I unfortunately am not the kindest person to myself, I often berate myself with derisive phrases such as “You’re such an idiot!” or “How could you be so stupid!” OK, not good, I know that, but for me, it may be subtle, but I tend to believe calling myself an asshole is much worse, and it became a regular occurrence. Any misstep, and the A word would fly. 

I finally decided I needed to figure out what went wrong, why I so badly needed a reset. Some of the answers came easily: 

I haven’t met with Hailey since November: I’ve seen various therapists over my adult life, but none came close to Hailey. She somehow always seemed to know when I needed grace, when I needed a nudge, when I needed a dirty look for a stupid comment, she knew me better than anyone, and she knew how to help me navigate through the dark moments. She gave me great coping skills, and ways to deal with my depression, and I can’t thank her enough. We separated, at some point, it’s inevitable to separate from your therapist, but it hasn’t been easy. I really miss her. 

Midterm of the semester: I seem to remember this from my first semester, things go haywire for me about this time. As I’ve shared before, my organizational skills are really poor. When I interviewed with WIKA many years ago, they conduct a personality test, and for organizational skills, I scored a 1 out of 10. No, that’s not good. When things get too busy, when I have too much going on, my brain turns to chaos, and I start making mistakes. Hence, the use of the I word, which has now become the A word. 

I set my sights too high: My heroes are Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mr. Rogers. Of course, I know I could never be the Son of God, or one of the greatest leaders the world has ever seen, but I could be more like Mr. Rogers…. No. If you’ve read his story, Mr. Rogers was an amazing human being. No chance. 

I’ve had so much great training: I completed my Yoga Teacher Training about two years ago, and I’ve read so many great authors over the last several years. Stephen Cope has taught me how to find my dharma, Michael Singer has taught me to live untethered, Jack Kornfield and Thich Nhat Hanh taught me to live in the present moment, Barbara Brown Taylor taught me to learn to walk in the dark, Brene Brown taught me to brave the wilderness, Valerie Kaur taught me to see no stranger, I should be so much further along than I am. 

And then reality set in once again. This is terminal. I know that. There is no cure for depression, there are coping mechanisms, there are ways to navigate the darkness, but there is no miraculous way to overcome it. It’s a journey, and sometimes the dark moments can be so difficult, but eventually they do pass. And, along the way, you do get to have some bright moments: 

Winnie the Pooh: My daughter-in-law Rachel sent me a link to a story that told of the real Winnie the Pooh. It was such a beautiful story, it made me cry, of course, but I loved it, and I really appreciated that she sent it to me. 

Mr. Rogers: My cousin Pam knows how much I love Mr. Rogers, and she sent me a link to a story about Mr. Rogers and Koko the gorilla. Yes, yet again, I cried, it was beautiful. 

Yoga Club: We’ve started yoga club at Ohio Dominican, and I have enjoyed teaching yoga so much to the students. I never thought I’d ever teach yoga, and I doubt I do it very much, but there is something about teaching a group of students, many of whom have little yoga experience, and they just enjoy the time together. I come out of those classes so incredibly happy. 

Still, I was struggling. And then, the lightbulb went off in my head. Back in June, one of my favorite pastors, Nadia Bolz-Weber, posted a blog titled “1% Less Asshole”. Her writing is always incredible, and it always gives me a new perspective. As she notes: 

“As I have said many times, it’s exhausting to continually feel convicted by the distance between my ideal self and my actual self. And the self that God is in relationship with, the self that God loves, is my actual self.” 

I’ve read this post several times, realizing that I set my goals way too high, as Nadia says, the goal should be to be 1% less asshole. But strangely, what really gave me hope and a better view of myself? 

“As you know if you’ve spent any time here with me, my first reaction to almost everything is “fuck you”. I almost never stay there…but honest to God, I almost always still start there. That’s progress. And I’m at a point in my life where I am ok with being a softer version of the same asshole I’ve always been and believing that maybe I can still change, even just 1%.” 

I don’t start there. I really don’t, it takes me a while to get to the point of wanting to say fuck you to anyone, and as strange as this may seem, I took a huge positive out of that. I still believe my goals were too high, and I need to go back to striving to be 1% less asshole, but maybe, just maybe, I’m not as big of an asshole as I give myself credit for. 

Laurel gave me a Valentine’s Day card that said on the front “I Love the Good Man You Are”. At first it really bothered me because that’s not who I am. While I usually just keep cards like this for a week or so, I’ve not gotten rid of it. I keep it on my desk, and I look at it every day. While I can’t ever figure out why, I truly believe that Laurel honestly believes what the card says, she sees a good man. Maybe someday, when I look in the mirror, I’ll see him too.

I've Become a Depressed Commie?

 A few years ago, I was in a Teams meeting with my Small Group from my former church, and the topic of sports came up.  I made the comment that I had quit watching sports, I had no interest anymore.

One of my dear friends, Jim Dyer, made the comment, “Are you sure you aren’t depressed?  Losing interest in sports is a sign of depression.”

Now, in defense of Jim, it was a logical road to travel, as I’ve suffered most of my adult life from depression.  But no, in this case, I really didn’t see the corollary, I really didn’t sense that depression was leading me away from sports.

A little while later, I woke up on a Monday morning to about 15 texts on my cell phone.  I probably don’t typically have 15 texts in a month’s time, so I was taken aback, and as I read through them, it was a chat between two of my high school friends.  Apparently the Steelers had been playing the night before, and apparently, it was a really good game, and apparently, the Steelers almost pulled it out.  I texted them once I figured it all out, and said, “Did the Steelers play last night?”  Dale, my best friend from high school, answered, “Yeah, it was a great game, they almost came back and won, didn’t you watch it?”  I said, “No, I don’t watch sports anymore.”

His response, “Are you a commie or something?”

Yes, sadly, I’ve become a depressed commie in my old age….

I think it’s important to set some context for all of this.  In my younger days, I ate, drank and slept sports.  I remember lying in my bed with my transistor radio pressed against my ear, listening to Bob Prince and Nellie King providing a picture of the Pirate game that night.  I can still hear “the Great Roberto!”, “Chicken on the Hill with Will!” and “That’s a can of corn!”.  I would watch any possible sports on TV.  Back then, we didn’t have a non-stop barrage of sports on TV, so whether it was Wide World of Sports, the Baseball Game of the Week on Saturdays, tennis, golf, even bowling, I’d watch it. 

Now, I can’t remember the last sports event I watched.  I can still tell you who won the World Series in 1967, that Bob Gibson had a 1.12 ERA in 1968, the starting infield for the Chicago Cubs in 1969, and the starting rotation for the Baltimore Orioles in 1970.  But I’m not sure who won the World Series this year (Arizona?), I think Kansas City won the Super Bowl last year?  Since it’s so fresh, I know Michigan won the National Title in college football (more on that later).  OK, I’m pretty well tapped out.

So, what happened?

Let’s start with baseball, my favorite sport.  There are several large market teams whose payroll exceeds $200m, and then there are a few, like the Pirates, whose payroll is below $100m.  While money can’t buy happiness, it can buy a World Series title.  Once in a Blue Moon (and I'm not referring to that great A's pitcher, Blue Moon Odom), a low budget team advances to the World Series, and maybe wins, which provides evidence to Major League Baseball that the system isn’t broken, but it is.  It’s not really feasible to win unless you can spend at least a reasonable amount of money, which many teams can’t afford.  So I quit watching baseball.

In regard to football and hockey, I struggle with the issue of brain trauma that so many athletes and former athletes suffer from.  When you read some of the tragic stories of former athletes, legends that you loved to watch like Mike Webster, and what they went through post-career, I struggle to enjoy watching the games.  Plus, as the great writer Dejan Kovacevic (more on him later) would say, the National Hockey League is a “Garage League”.  Hockey is one of the most exciting games played, but the fine leadership in the NHL can’t seem to get out of their own way and let the game thrive and flourish.  It could be so much more, but it never will be under the current regime.

Basketball?  It’s hard to believe a game that could or should be so exciting, is really boring all season until the playoffs.  There’s really no reason to watch it, teams seem to sleep walk through the regular season until the real season starts.  It’s probably the sport that I gave up the earliest, just no real interest anymore.

OK, how about college sports?  Where the game is still the game!  College sports have become truly about money and very little else.  I was never an advocate of paying the players, but really, we should stop the sham of “student athletes”, and just pay the players to play, and if they want to attend school, they can.  It’s really not fair to the players not to share in the huge wealth of college sports.  The fact that Texas A&M paid Jimbo Fisher $75m not to coach speaks volumes on the topic.

The funny thing about all of this is that I still read about sports.  Again, this probably needs some context.  When I was growing up, I dreamed of becoming a sports writer.  That never panned out, but I’ve always loved to read about sports, but not just sports, the people who compete in sports.  The best way I can describe it is the one time when I was on the board of the Miami Valley Literacy Council in Dayton, Ohio, Tom Archdeacon, who wrote about sports for the Dayton Daily News, was our keynote speaker.  His comment was, “People call me a sports writer, but the way I view it, I write about people, who just happen to play sports.”  When I was a fledgling sports writer, that’s what I loved, writing about people who happened to play sports.  Unfortunately, you have to pay a lot of hard dues along the way to possibly get to that point, and I wasn’t willing to do it.

I still subscribe to an online publication called, “DK Pittsburgh Sports”.  The main reason I’ve kept my subscription is because of the writing of Dejan Kovacevic.  I would read anything that he writes, doesn’t matter if it were badminton, curling, bocce ball, I’d read it.  He always has such an incredible insight into any sports event, and he writes beautifully about the people who play the game.  While I’ve lost interest in sports, I haven’t lost interest in great writing.

The other funny thing is that I’ve found some other really good writers along the way.  Taylor Haase covers the Penguins, and she provides great analysis, statistics, insight, and also some really good humor.  I find myself looking forward to her views on the snack offerings at hockey arenas almost as much as her game summary of what went right, or wrong, for the Penguins that night.  Alex Stumpf covers the Pirates, and the best compliment that I can give him is that he makes the Pirates interesting and relevant.  I really have no idea how he does that because quite frankly, they’re neither, but I always look forward to what he has to say about the Pirates.  With all due respect to the rest of the writing team, I’m sure they’re all good, I really don’t pay any attention to anyone but the Pirates and Penguins anymore, the Penguins because I love hockey, and the Pirates, because they were and always will be, my first love.

What Will I Miss?

This:

This was from way back in 2013 when the Pirates became relevant again.  They had missed the playoffs for over 20 years, and finally, they were back.  Not for long, but they were back.  I was able to get Patrick and Sean on board with me for the ride, and they raised the Jolly Roger.  It was great to share that journey, have my sons join me, live and die the Pirates, even if it was brief.  That was fun.

What reminded me of that moment was this:

This is a friend that I used to work with, Adam Meekhof, and he is a huge Michigan fan.  I’ve seen him live and die Michigan over the past several years, and of course, this was their/his year.  The day after Michigan won the National Championship, Adam posted a bunch of pictures of the night as it transpired.  This is the one that captured me.  Look at that passion, see that intensity.  And I love that it’s a shared passion and intensity between Adam and his daughter Addison.  What a beautiful picture, what a beautiful moment.

Yes, that is what I’ll miss.  There’s a certain level of awe that we experience when we can share those great sports moments with each other, especially if it’s family or close friends.  It’s powerful, it’s magical.  Yes, I’ll miss it, but for now, I’m happy to live it vicariously, watching people like Adam and Addison experience the elation of your team winning it all.  As for me, I’ll live out my years as a depressed commie….

 

Five Years

We've got five years, what a surprise

We've got five years, stuck on my eyes

We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot

Five years, that's all we've got

Nadia Bolz-Weber, one of my favorite theologians, recently posted a blog titled “Ziggy Stardust and the Future of the Church”.  I was intrigued for a variety of reasons.  One, as some of you know, I left the church about three years ago.  I was curious what Nadia had to say about the future of the church.  Two, I would read absolutely anything she writes, she is one of the most honest, down to earth theologians I’ve ever read.  Three, and maybe most importantly, “The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars” by David Bowie was the second album I ever owned, and since that was way back in 1972 when I was 12 years old, I probably listened to it at least once a day, since, well, when you only have two albums, and the internet hadn’t been invented yet, what else were you going to do?  Yes, as usual, I digress.

The blog centers on Bowie’s song “Five Years”, which is an apocalyptic vision of the world only having five more years left.  It runs through the emotions of how we would react, what would we do, what would be important if we knew we only had five more years to live our lives?

The purpose of the blog was to call out the church for all that it does, or doesn’t do, in the name of longevity or trying to maintain a relevance or purpose.  Even though Nadia is a Lutheran minister, she had some harsh words for the church.  As she notes, people are leaving the church in droves, and not because they don’t believe in the beauty of Jesus Christ and his teaching, but because they can’t sit back and be a part of an institution that pretends to hold firmly to that principle.  Unfortunately, I feel the same way, which is the reason I left the church, and to be honest, I think my faith and spirituality have grown considerably since then.

If we knew we only had five years left, how would we act differently?  Would we enjoy our experience more, would we embrace each other more, would we be more welcoming?  Would we quit worrying about the numbers, we added 50 new members this year!  Would we stop the politics, quit fine tuning our various rules and regulations, quit arguing over who does or doesn’t get into heaven, quit hating whatever group we choose to hate that day?  Would we simply love each other more and accept each other for who they/we are, would we maybe…. really love our neighbor?  

It reminded me, on the business side, Eli Goldratt took a similar approach in his book, “The Goal”.  In that setting, the leadership came in from corporate and told the plant manager, “You have six months to turn this place around, or we’re shutting it down.”  If you have just six months, what would you do, what would be important?  I often felt we should have taken this approach in various business scenarios, if we had to really focus on what was most important, what would we work on?

I thought about all of the various meetings and discussions we have at work, and really, how relevant are all of those?  I remember when I was at Barco or WIKA, we would spend hour upon hour preparing for Profit Plan meetings, or SML meetings, and then we would sit and talk all day about what we had done and what we planned to do.  I still remember many years ago, and it was funny, but maybe not, Al Herman, a wonderful man I worked with at Barco, made the mistake in one of those meetings of sending an e-mail where he stated, “I’m in a Profit Plan meeting, where all hope has gone to die”.  Unfortunately, Al hit copy all when he sent the e-mail, so everyone saw how he felt.  To be honest, probably 90% of the people agreed with him.  There were so many meetings I felt the same way, why don’t we spend eight hours doing the work, and one hour talking about it, rather than just the opposite?  

And now, it takes me to our Faculty Senate meetings at school.  Same story, different venue.  At least at this stage in my career, if a student wants to meet with me, and it conflicts with Faculty Senate, I meet with the student.  I didn’t have that luxury in my business career, and I may not have that luxury here, but I really don’t care, my students come first.

We were given this opportunity a few years ago, in a much smaller way, in this case related to our first dog, Snickers.  We took Snickers to the vet, and the vet told us that Snickers’ internal organs were shutting down, there was nothing that we could do, he probably had a few weeks or a month left to live.  Essentially they were right, but they missed by about 11 months, Snickers made it about a full year before we had to mercifully put him down.

It may sound crazy, but it was such a beautiful experience for us.  Since we thought Snickers had very little time left, so many things became important, while others lost their importance.  We let him wander the backyard a lot more, not worrying about hurrying him back in.  We let him eat lots of snacks and treats, we put chicken broth on his dog food, we didn’t really worry if he put on a few pounds.  We didn’t yell at him when he did something wrong, we just let it go.  We just enjoyed our time with him, and tried to help him enjoy his time that was left.  We had a wonderful year with Snickers, probably the most enjoyable, at least for us, we just loved him.

If and when our time is limited, what becomes important?  What would you do, if you knew we only five years left?  How would you lead your life?  I thought about it, and I put together a short list.  I would:

• Spend as much time as I could with Laurel, there is no one’s company that I enjoy more.
• Spend more time with my children, I unfortunately was one of those people who lived the Harry Chapin song, “Cats in the Cradle”, I was never there for my children, and I’d love to be there for them now, but their lives are busy now of course.
• Do as much yoga as possible.  One of the greatest gifts that I’ve been given and given myself.
• Read.  I was blessed early in life to enjoy reading, I probably went away from it for a time, but I’ve come to embrace it again, I love to read.
• Enjoy everything about nature.  God gave us a beautiful planet, and there’s so much to see, really, right out in our backyard.
• Smile more, be more patient with people, talk to strangers, listen better.
• Spend time with friends, probably the area, many of us, or at least me, neglect the most.

What would you do?  I’m sure I missed a lot, what would you do if we only had five years?  I know to a great extent, it’s irrational for most of us, except for old people like me, to envision what we would do if we only had five years left, but maybe, just maybe, we could work it into our daily practice.  While I’m still falling short on many of the items on the list above, I do my fair share of yoga, I read every day, and we go for walks every day and enjoy seeing the geese, ducks, rabbits, flowers, whatever nature has to offer that day.  Oh, and I’m pretty sure Laurel is seeing plenty of me each day, probably much more than she’d like to, I’m afraid…

Maybe it’s just a little progress, but I’ll take it.  Hopefully I can make a dent in the rest of the list as time goes on.  And I sure hope I don’t need someone to come down to Earth to tell me I only have five years to get it done.

My Word for 2024: Kindness

 “This is a sermon about kindness, simple kindness.  It’s a sermon about the opportunities that we have, all of us, …to treat other people with gentleness, meekness, tenderness, mercy, and kindness.  Sometimes we do; sometimes we don’t, but you know what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about kindness, simple kindness.”  Dr. Thomas Long, from the sermon, “Be Kind, Be Kind, Be Kind”

Looking back at some of my blog posts, I’ve quoted Dr. Long so much, I think I owe him royalties.  Although, a percentage of nothing, is still nothing.  But, as usual, I digress….

As noted in previous years, I follow the leadership of a dear friend, Dave Carr, and I adopt a word I want to focus on each year, rather than making a New Year’s resolution.  Let’s take a quick look back, we are now in year 4 of this practice:

2021 – Faith.  I adopted this word because I had recently left the church after being a faithful member for all of my adult life.  This one has gone quite well, even though I have not returned to the church, I believe my faith, my love of Jesus Christ and all that He did for us, has grown even stronger. 

2022 – Forgiveness.  Bleah.  Not everything can go as planned, I guess.  I had hoped if I’d really focus on forgiveness, and specifically, self-forgiveness, I’d overcome this obstacle.  Still, not a whole lot of headway on this one.  Maybe this is a life-long project rather than one to conquer in a year.

2023 – Gratitude.  Actually, I think I did well on this one.  I tried to look at the positive aspect of any situation and find gratitude for the positives, and even the learning moments from the negatives.

For 2024, I’ve chosen Kindness, and as I look back at some of my previous posts, not sure how this one didn’t come into play sooner.  As noted, I love to quote Dr. Long, I heard that sermon over 30 years ago, and it still is one of my top “go to” sermons.  And, as many of you know, Mr. Rogers is one of my heroes in life, I wish I could be more like him, but I suspect I’m not the only one.  The man was so kind and compassionate to everyone around him.

To be clear up front, and Dr. Long expounded on this in his sermon, kindness doesn’t mean that you just give in on everything and let people have their way, or not hold them accountable.  In many ways, it can be just the opposite.  Kindness oftentimes demands that we stand up for what we believe in, support those who need our support, and hold people accountable for what they are responsible for.  I remember when I read Mr. Rogers’ biography, it was laced with moments where he had to stand firm, hold his ground, and passionately argue for the proper way to educate and entertain children.  The path of kindness isn’t always the easiest way to go.  But it’s usually the right way to go. 

I was texting back and forth on New Year’s Eve with Elijah, one of my former colleagues at WIKA Sensor Technology, and really a wonderful young man.  When I told him about the word I chose, his reply was, “If your goal has been kindness, you achieved it…at least for me.  Thank you for everything.”  Yeah, I probably did achieve it with Elijah, although probably not always, but it’s easy to be kind to Elijah. Elijah is a great young man, and he also takes on responsibility quite well.  It would be difficult not to be kind to Elijah, but there are all those others….

Yes, all those others.  The easy path is to be kind to people like Elijah, the hard path is to be kind to all of those people who get under your skin for whatever reason it is that day.  We all have our beliefs, our view of the world or issues, whatever it might be, so I’ll let you think about or imagine your own, but as I visualize that person, those people, who seems to always be able to get under my skin, for whatever reason, how am I going to exercise kindness to them today?  As I imagine it, this won’t be an easy path, but I’m bound and determined to get better and show, even that really irritating person, kindness today.  I may disagree with them, I may stand up for what I believe in, I may hold them accountable for what they were supposed to do, but I can do it in a kind way.

And quite frankly, one of the greatest culprits, the one who can really piss me off, is me.   Do you know how many times a day, I have a conversation with myself that starts with:

“Steve, you idiot!”

“You’re such a fucking moron!”

“How could you be so stupid!”

It hurts to even write it.  But, it’s the truth that I wish weren’t so.  When I let myself down, when I don’t meet those expectations I set for myself, I could show a bit more compassion and kindly, gently admonish myself to do better the next time around.

Recently, we went to a yoga class on New Year’s Day, and Emily had affirmation cards for us to pick, without being able to see what was on them.  I picked this one:

I immediately wanted to put it back, because I thought, there’s no way I’m deeply loved by the universe!  And then I thought, kindness, yes, I got this card for a reason.  Most likely, kindness will have to start with me, and maybe, I can or will get better at showing kindness to the other people who irritate me in my life.

Kindness, simple kindness.  I think I’ve chosen a very challenging, but worthwhile, word for 2024.  And who knows, maybe I’ll finally make some headway on 2022’s word, Forgiveness, in the process!

Be Kind, Be Kind, Be Kind

 As I noted in my previous blog post, "Braving the Wilderness", somewhere along the way, probably in the midst of reading "Living Untethered" highlighted below, I softened my view, I came to realize how special each and every student was, and what each of them brought to the classroom.  There's no doubt, it is quite the menagerie of personalities, abilities and work habits, but they are all special.

I came to realize that about many of my colleagues around campus.  I struggled at first with some of the interaction, I was used to the corporate environment where if you sent an e-mail, a question or request, you got a reply back, usually, relatively promptly.  I had many instances where I wouldn't get any replies at all.  I finally gave up and would just walk across campus and go talk to the person, which was probably what I should have been doing in the first place.

In any event, the following is the message I sent my students at the end of the year.  I also sent it to some of my colleagues, who had been particularly helpful supporting me through my first semester.  

Michael Singer got me started, he has some beautiful passages in "Living Untethered", it took me back to my favorite sermon from Dr. Tom Long, "Be Kind, Be Kind, Be Kind", which I heard over 30 years ago, and wore out a cassette tape, playing it over and over again.  And how could I ever go wrong quoting one of my greatest heroes, Mr. Rogers?

Final Thoughts

As we close the semester and head into the holiday season, I’ll leave you with a few thoughts.  Most of what I ever come up with isn’t original, I love to quote my favorite authors, theologians, heroes. 

From Michael Singer in “Living Untethered”:

“The mind continually grasps on to what is coming into your senses, it focuses on thoughts, emotions.  When you quiet the mind, you can truly see the incredibly beautiful person inside of you.  God made you and God made you beautiful.”

From my favorite sermon from Dr. Tom Long:

“Kindness is a refusal to look at other people in the light of how they are in the present tense and an insistence on looking at them in the light of what God is making of them in God’s future.  To put it bluntly, kindness is an act of civil disobedience.  It’s a refusal to treat people according to the customs and the mores and the traditions of the status quo of the world around us and an insistence on seeing them and treating them in light of who they will become in God’s future.”

And from one of my greatest heroes, Mr. Rogers:

“You’ve made this day a special day by just your being you.  There’s no person in the whole world like you.  And I like you just the way you are.”

Finally, one last comment from Dr. Long:

“There are only three things important in human life: be kind, be kind, be kind.”

See the incredibly beautiful person inside of you.  See the beauty of everything, and everyone, around you.  And be kind, including, especially, to yourself.

Have a great holiday.

Braving the Wilderness

“You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all.  The price is high.  The reward is great.” Dr. Maya Angelou

As many of you know, I embarked on a new journey a few months ago, shedding the corporate life that I’ve lived for close to forty years to find my dharma, to find where I belong.  Spoiler alert, I’m not sure I found my dharma, and I learned a lot about belonging, in many ways, particularly from reading Brene Brown’s “Braving the Wilderness” and the quote above from Dr. Angelou.  Most importantly, I learned a great deal about myself, or maybe I re-learned some things about myself, and found out some new things that somehow I never knew in my 63 years on this earth.

Old Dog, Old Tricks

Sadly, in some ways, I just haven’t changed.  I still overcome my lack of organizational skills with brute force and over-preparation.  As I started out the semester, I would go in early, stay late, and work on accounting problems all day from the chapters in each of the courses I was teaching.  Thankfully, I was able to sprinkle in some classes in between, or potentially I would have gone completely insane. 

I would sit in my office, doing problem after problem, moving from textbook to textbook, online problem to online problem, wearing myself out each day.  On weekends, the process was the same, the only difference was I was doing it sitting in the backroom of the house.  Continually, working problem after problem.

In the process, I discovered a new variant of a recent disease – Accounting Problem Foggy Brain.  I found that doing hours and hours of accounting problems led me to this dull, numbing sensation where I really couldn’t think clearly anymore.  I’d do a problem, I’d check the answer, and no matter how easy the problem was, I’d get it wrong.  I’d get so angry at myself, how in the world could you possibly have gotten that wrong?  It didn’t matter, my brain was just too foggy.  Now, a smarter person may have walked away, but I would go right back at it, and try again. 

Eventually, as I would discuss this with Laurel, she would have some suggestions, like, why don’t you get up and take a walk around campus?  Do you really have to go in first thing in the morning?  Why don’t you work a little from home, and then go in?  Why don’t you go to the Library or somewhere else and do some work from there?  Hmmm, maybe she has a point? 

I did eventually take some of her advice, once in a while, I would go for a walk during the day, enjoy the beauty of the campus, not nearly enough, but I did.  I did start going in a bit later on some days, I’d do some work at home to break it up a bit, which helped.  I’d give my head a chance to clear on my drive to work.  Weekends were still painful, I’d work hour upon hour straight, doing accounting problem after accounting problem.  While I know this may be everyone’s dream, they can get a bit old after a while.

So I learned, or re-learned, that yet again, my standard way of addressing any task or issue is to just work myself into the ground no matter how efficient, or inefficient, that process is.

Well I Never Expected That

It didn’t come to the surface immediately, but after a few weeks I had a brand new discovery, and something I never expected – I was really lonely.

It took me a while to figure it out, and as noted, I never expected it.  I’ve been an introvert all my life, so I didn’t really think or believe human interaction was that important to me, but I found out, the hard way, that it was.

Outside of my time in the classroom, which really isn’t as much human interaction as it is presentation, I didn’t have much human interaction.  I had spent the last 40 years or so working in organizations, with people, in teams, and I spent a lot of time interacting with my personnel, colleagues, customers, vendors, whomever.  When I was a CFO or General Manager, I would consciously walk the shop floor or throughout the building talking to people in the organization.  I always believed that this was part of my responsibility, making sure the people working there, doing the value-added jobs, could see me, talk to me, tell me any issues or problems they were having.

I discovered that it wasn’t just out of a sense of duty I did this, it was because I needed that interaction.  I used to love to write “words of wisdom” on Marci’s whiteboard and wait for her to come in and read it, and then we’d laugh and laugh about it.  I loved to twist Yelena’s ponytail and hear her yell a fake “Ow!”.  I loved to ask Szabo, how’s it going today, and almost, without fail, hearing “It’s all jacked up”, and then find out why it was all jacked up.  I loved to quote “Stepbrothers” to Jillian, listen to Nancy say, “here’s what I’m going to tell you…”, hear Bernadette laugh, try to convince Jessica she needed another cat, tell Becky “make it so, Number One!” 

I found that the university setting is kind of like a bunch of independent contractors working in the same place.  We see each other, we have some interaction, but for the most part, we all do our own thing.  Most don’t get the sheer joy of doing accounting problems all day, but they probably do some other, more mundane, tasks each day.  There’s just not a whole lot of interaction amongst us, and we all go about our business and go home each day, to start over again the next day. 

As noted, I learned something new about myself, something I never expected.  I never realized how much that social interaction meant to me, until it was gone.  I couldn’t believe on a campus full of people, how lonely I could feel and how hard that was for me.

Other Than That Mrs. Lincoln, How Was the Play?

Most importantly, I really enjoyed the classroom, and I enjoyed the students.  Of course, it wasn’t perfect, I’m sure I was a bit rusty in the classroom, it had been about six years since I taught, and I learned along the way some things I’ll do differently in the Spring, but overall, I enjoyed being in the classroom and teaching.

The students were a box of chocolates, a mix of very good and driven to not so much.  It’s funny, even though I would get frustrated with some of them at times, I grew to appreciate each of them for what they brought to the classroom.  I have a second post coming that highlights this, but I came to realize that each of us is unique, and we all bring something to the table, and I need to appreciate what each student brings to the table, and for that matter, what each person anywhere brings to the table.  Not always easy.

I found along the way that I need to set goals for myself, and my teaching, but not set goals or expectations that I have no control over.  Actually, I can’t give myself that credit, it was something that Hailey pointed out to me.  I told her that my goals were that I would educate my students the best I possibly could on accounting and business, and that they would get as good of a grade as they hoped or expected.  As she noted, I can set goals or expectations for myself, those things I have control over, but if it involves my students, that can only be a hope or wish that this happens.  I don’t have complete control over it.

My biggest joy?  I taught three yoga classes on campus, all in the same week.  This may seem like nothing to many, but it was everything to me.  To set the scene, for Wellness Week, the JEDI (Justice, Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion) Council wanted to have two yoga classes for students.  They asked me, since they knew I was technically, a yoga teacher.  I was going to chicken out, and ask Laurel to do it, but she is currently teaching a bazillion classes a week, and I knew she couldn’t.  So I agreed to teach the classes.  Then another student asked if I could teach a class for the one dorm the same week.  Sure, why not, what’s one more.

Surprisingly, I was incredibly calm, I was so nervous ever thinking about teaching a class, but once I “had to”, and didn’t have a choice, I wasn’t afraid.  While I’m sure my classes weren’t perfect, I really felt like they went really well.  One of my students from my Cost Accounting class, Jadelyn, came to all three of my classes, which I was deeply thankful for, and it made me feel so much more comfortable knowing at least one student in the room.  And, I’m so excited to say, we just started a Yoga Club on campus, and I’m going to be the Advisor for it.

Belonging

Somewhere, early in the semester, I had read “Braving the Wilderness”, and I put it back on the shelf once I was done with it.  I really enjoyed the book, and I learned a lot about belonging, as I have from other Brene Brown books, but it wasn’t until just a few weeks ago that the lesson became clearer. 

I’m not sure why, but I pulled the book off the shelf, I think I was looking for a quote in the book, and I stumbled on the subtitle for the book:

The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone

The first part, I get, I’ve been trying to figure out where I truly belong all of my career, and really haven’t figured that out.  And potentially, I never will.  The second part is what hit me, and I can’t believe I never noticed it or let it sink in.  What I lack is the courage to stand alone.  That’s what I’ve been missing, and I don’t know why I never even noticed that on the cover of the book, maybe I didn’t want to see it, but now, I have, and now, I know.

To grant myself a bit of kindness, again, second post coming, I think I’m starting to see that, and I’m starting to live it.  Embarking on a brand new journey took some courage, and no doubt, I’ve learned, in many ways, I’m standing alone.  Taking on teaching a yoga class, that definitely pushed my courage levels.  And I’m pursuing other possible avenues, other ways to stand alone.  Some may pan out, some may not, but at least I’m venturing out and using my courage to stand alone.  We’ll see where it takes me.

The price is high.  The reward is great.

Expressing Gratitude to WIKA Upon My Departure

 “Every man has a vocation to be someone: but he must understand clearly that in order to fulfill this vocation he can only be one person: himself.”

I come from an era where you were taught to stay with a company all your life.  I know, that has all changed.  Still, when I was at Barco, I bled Barco red, and I thought I would retire from there.  After 13+ years, I left for WIKA.  As I’m coming up on 15 years at WIKA, again, I’m saying goodbye.  I never thought this would happen, I thought for sure I’d retire from WIKA, but we’ll get to that later.  Most importantly, I want to express my gratitude to WIKA.  This has been an unbelievable journey, I never imagined something like this after leaving Barco, I never thought I’d work at such a great company again, but thankfully I did.  So, in no particular order, what I’m grateful for:

• An amazing owner.  Mr. Wiegand is brilliant, he somehow is able to foresee what the future holds for our industry, he knows the business better than anyone, but he also is incredibly kind and generous to his people.  I really couldn’t imagine a better owner or leader to work for.

• Very bright and ingenious engineering teams.  I thought I worked with the best engineers in the world at Barco, but the engineers at WIKA are incredible also.  In many ways, it’s different, it encompasses manufacturing engineering, along with some innovative design engineering, and it's just a great group of people to work with.  I’m constantly in awe at how smart some of these people are.

• An outstanding accounting and controlling team.  I was blessed to work with a great group that always went above and beyond.  My team was so good, I often thought and said, they really don’t need me, and to be honest, they didn’t.  They could run the financial side of the business on their own, and they always looked for how they could do even better.  Plus, as you can see, they were so much fun.

• A fun and dynamic Senior Management Team.  For many years, I just loved the Senior Management Team I was a part of.  We challenged each other, fought many times, pushed each other, and really had a great deal of fun together.  I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced such a great working relationship as we had for several years together, I really enjoyed and appreciated each of my colleagues for who they are and what they brought to the table.

• One of the two greatest leaders I’ve ever worked with in my life.  Michael Gerster is larger than life.  I’ve worked for two amazing leaders in my life, Michael and Jim Crane from Barco.  They are extremely different, but still, two of the best ever.  I used to say, I would run through a wall for Michael Gerster.  He spent so much time on the shop floor and throughout the building, he knew virtually everyone, and showed his appreciation for the people working there, he had a special presence about him.

• My colleagues in Latin America and my opportunity to travel there.  I spent about five years working with my colleagues in Latin America, and those were some of the best years of my life.  I learned what beautiful people and beautiful countries there were in that part of the world.  I was able to meet and work with some incredible people, and I can’t be thankful enough.  I will always cherish that experience.

• My colleagues in Lawrenceville.  I spent over 12 years there, and besides my team, there are so many great people there, particularly the people on the shop floor.  I used to love to walk the shop floor, and interact with the “value added” people.  They are the ones that make it all happen.

• The wonderful people at WIKA Sensor Technology.  It may be trite to say, but they are the salt of the earth.  There are so many moments I could highlight or illustrate, but what hit me most was when we moved into our new building, various people would be on their hands and knees, scraping tape off the floor, wiping down walls, doing anything and everything, without being asked, to make the place look presentable.  It is just an amazing group.  They would do anything they could for those lucky enough to work with them.  Leaving them is going to be very painful.

Of course, this would all beg the question, why in the world would I leave?  I have a few years left of working, why wouldn’t I take the traditional road and just finish my time at WIKA and ride off into the sunset?  My current boss, Todd Gardner, has been incredibly good to me.  I have so much respect for him, we left him with a complete shithole when he took over as President of WIKA Americas, and in the past few years, he has built it back up again, and made it into a vibrant organization.  No, he didn’t do it completely on his own, but his leadership, his vision, his business sense has been a big part of it.  Plus, he’s treated me very well, I really couldn’t ask for more.

It’s Not You, It’s Me

I remember many years ago, when I started my career at Touche Ross, before it eventually became Deloitte Touche and eventually Deloitte, we did a Myers-Briggs Personality exercise among our management team.  As we sat there with the facilitator, she put a line up on the board with many X’s clustered together on one end, and one X way off on the other end.  The X’s represented how we all tested.  Immediately several heads started shaking up and down, and a few of them said, “McCullough”.  Yes, I was the one who didn’t belong.

After 40 years of not belonging, of constantly being the salmon swimming upstream, I’ve grown weary, and I’m tired of not belonging.  Yes, I could continue to do this, I’ve somehow made at least a relatively good career while not belonging, I’ve worked for some of the best companies in the world, Deloitte, Barco, WIKA, and I’ve gotten to experience and be a part of some amazing journeys.  

Yes, the easy course, maybe the safest, and smartest, course would be to just keep on doing what I’m doing.  But something changed, something snapped, I couldn’t just keep on keeping on, I decided at 62, before it’s all too late, I need to be me, I need to do something I truly enjoy, and do what’s best for me.  I need to find my dharma, my true nature in life.

As I pondered this decision, I latched on to the guilt of leaving Todd, leaving my colleagues, leaving the group at WIKA Sensor Technology.  As I discussed it with Hailey, she asked, “What do the people closest to you think?”  So I asked them, Laurel, my children, my brother Jim, Sheila Ewers, Hailey, what do you think?

This is just a snippet of some of the responses I got back:

• You will be so good at this Steve!  It’s OK to be uncomfortable with change.  If it’s what you truly desire, take a deep breath, acknowledge the discomfort, and do it anyway.  The guilt and fear will fall away quickly once you have begun.

• Most of the people you’re feeling guilty about will be happy that you’re moving on to something better.

• You will enjoy that and that is so important.  Good for you!

• Would you rather feel guilt and shame or regret?

I sent those on to Hailey, and her reply was, “Seems like a no-brainer to me.”

Tell Me, What Is It You Plan To Do With Your One Wild and Precious Life?

What changed?  What brought me to this point after so many years?  Not sure but:  

• Maybe it was Laurel starting me on my yoga journey six years ago.  As I often say when I begin a

yoga class, “Thank you for bringing me here”.  One of the best decisions of my life.

• Maybe it was when I began my journey with Hailey about five years ago, and I learned how to walk in the dark and realize it’s simply a part of the journey.

• Maybe it was all the reading, Brene Brown, Rolf Gates, Naomi Levy, Nadia Bolz-Weber, Glennon Doyle, Valerie Kaur, Jack Kornfield, Michael Singer, Stephen Cope, so many great writings that inspired me to be me.  

• Maybe it was taking my Yoga Teacher Training last year in the Georgia Mountains with Sheila, Tami Roberts and the Chocolate Poet Society.   I never thought I could do it, and I never have experienced such a feeling of belonging in my life.

• Maybe it was taking a Pranayama and Meditation workshop at the same beautiful house with Sheila, Laurel and a wonderful group of young ladies this year.  I know people will think I’m crazy, but I believe I experienced God in an incredible meditation moment.

• Maybe it was being inspired by an amazing 28-year-old young lady, Carley DeMarco, who seems to see no barriers to trying new things and making them work.

A few months ago, I got approached by Vistage, it’s an organization that does training and coaching for business leaders.  They were inquiring if I’d be interested in becoming a Vistage Chair.  I had been a part of Vistage years ago, when I first started at WIKA.  I reached out to my former Vistage Chair, Lisa Dugan, and asked her advice.  One question she asked me was, “what do you want to do with the rest of your life?”

My immediate reaction, in my mind, was “I want to start a yoga studio!”

Spoiler alert, that’s not what I’m doing.  I have formulated a new plan, a new idea on that path, but it’s not fleshed out yet.  So, not yet.  Stay tuned.

But it got me thinking, what do I really want to do with the rest of my life?  Quite obviously, I don’t have much time left, at best 5-7 years left of working, and that is probably a stretch.  

I started looking for universities that might give me an opportunity to teach.  For seven years, while with WIKA in Georgia, I taught at Georgia Gwinnett College as an adjunct professor in the evenings, and I loved it.  Surprisingly, someone was interested, and I got an interview.  As I started the interview process, I found out one of the people on the search committee, Dr. Lindsey Mason, was from Georgia and had done some course work at GGC.  Serendipity.

I now start on a new journey, I will be an Accounting Professor at Ohio Dominican University.  I just loved when I read the section on their website that talked about Peace and Justice that said:

• Ohio Dominican University is committed to promoting peace and justice in the world by acting justly ourselves and by educating students to become ethical and effective leaders in the global society, grounded in the pursuit of truth, justice and peace.

When I took Laurel over to the campus on Memorial Day, it was so peaceful, it was quiet, only a few campus security personnel to be seen.  As we walked the path, we looked ahead, and we were shocked to see a baby deer lying under a bench, trying to get some relief from the intense sun that day.  Even as we got close to it, it didn’t move.  The calm, the peace, the beauty, the serenity of the campus moved us both, and we decided this was the next place for me.

Will this be where I finish my career?  Who knows?  Maybe I will start a yoga studio, or maybe I’ll become a Vistage chair, or maybe I’ll do something else where I’ll feel like I belong in my one wild and precious life.  The quote comes from a poem by Mary Oliver, and recently when Laurel and I were on a yoga retreat in the south of France, Sheila used it in one of our practices.  I had heard the quote before, but somehow it settled in quite nicely for me.  Yes, this is my one wild and precious life, and it’s time to embrace it and be who I want to be, and hopefully, just maybe, I’ll find where I belong.