Sinking Deep - Into Light

Last weekend was our church retreat.  Right before leaving for it, I met with my counselor, Hailey, and told her how apprehensive I was, going to the retreat.  I told her that I just didn’t feel like I fit in, I don’t belong.  As I noted in my last blog post, I’ve felt this way more and more at Shallowford Presbyterian Church and at Ebb and Flow Yoga Studio, my two favorite places in the world.  I just don’t feel like I deserve being at either place, I’m not worthy to be there.   So, the retreat created a sense of unease in me, how do I navigate through it?

Hailey asked that, and also suggested maybe I could do what comes most natural for me at the moment, or what makes me feel most comfortable, do things for people.  Laurel and I arrived at the retreat, and since Laurel was on the planning committee, we got there early and were able to help set up.  This was great.  And then, a wonderful opportunity came.  Bradley Kibler, our Associate Pastor and the organizer of the retreat, said we needed someone to vacuum the floor of the large room we were using.  Yes!  What a great opportunity to serve, and also serve in a very nondescript manner.

As a small preface, this retreat’s theme was “The Power of Movement”.  We are transitioning to a new head pastor in about a month, and with any transition, you have change.  The theme was adapting, dealing with change, envisioning what we will look like in the future.  We worked in a large group a part of the time, and in small groups a part of the time.  We had lots of great exercises and lots of great discussion.

This retreat started in a much different manner for me.  I was really enjoying myself and even feeling like I fit in.  I was having great conversations with people, I was having a great time in my small group, I was bonding with people I really didn’t know that well before the retreat, this was going far beyond my expectations.  I was feeling comfortable, I was feeling more at ease, I was feeling like I did fit in.

But then…..

Vickie Dieth, our retreat speaker, began our session right before lunch on Saturday, and she said that as she was preparing for this retreat, at one point God spoke to her.  And what God told her was slow down.  And she said while this retreat was about movement, and how this may seem contrary to our goals for the weekend, she wanted us to spend an hour or so alone in our thoughts, and she wanted us to talk to God, and listen to what God had to say to us.  She gave us various avenues to do this, she gave us watercolors to paint, crayons to draw, books to read, pictures to look at, she told us we could go for a walk, but we needed to silently focus on talking to God and listening to what God had to say.

I sunk rapidly.  In a certain sense, I’m not completely sure why, but I did.  I knew that this wouldn’t be good, I would sink back into depression if I had to spend time alone with myself, or even with God.  But, I followed the rules dutifully, and I chose using a picture to work from.  I had seen a picture the night before of a dock in the water, stretching out from darkness to light, and the picture really grabbed my attention.  So I took that picture, and I went outside to sit on a bench with my thoughts, and even though it was freezing outside (for me at least), I sat out there, and looked at that picture.  I also grabbed my Ipod, and listened to my “go to” song at the moment, Hillsong United’s “Another In the Fire”. 

As I anticipated, I started crying.  I sat there looking at that picture, stuck in the darkness, listening to “Another In the Fire”, and I kept focusing on my depression, and not getting past it.  While the song is so beautiful, I gravitate to one line in the song, “I'll count the joy come every battle, ‘Cause I know that's where You'll be”.  I’ve convinced myself that my depression is necessary, I need it to get closer to God, and when I dive deep, that’s where I’ll find God.  Yes, I know, my brain is lying to me, this isn’t a healthy reality, but that’s where I’ve been. 

I sat there, and I started journaling, and talking to God, and I wrote:

“It was going so well, Lord.  I was distracted, I was having fun.  And then you brought me back to reality.  And I had to confront my fears.  I had to be alone and live with myself.  Still stuck in the darkness, looking for the light.  Trying to get out of this rut called depression, anxiety, fear, hatred of myself.  Back to where I’m longing for the light.  I count joy in every battle, because I know that’s where you’ll be.  Is that my song?  Is that my life?  Do I have to go deep to find you?  Is this just who I am?  Is there nothing more?”

As the song ended, I was crushed.  I was back to reality, I was back to who I was.  But then, I decided to play the song again.  Now, I’ve listened to this song many, many times, but for some reason, I decided to listen again.  And I don’t know what happened, OK, I do, but it was amazing.  Something lit up inside of me, and all I can attribute it to was God listening to me, and answering me.  My writing went on:

“I can be better, I really can.  This doesn’t have to be me.  I’m not defined by what I’ve done.  I’m defined by who I am.  I can be a better me.  I just have to figure out how.  Listen to the whole song, Dumb Ass!  It’s about redemption!”

When we got back from the retreat, I had to fly to Mexico for a week of meetings.  I was going to pack a book to read on the plane, and I started to choose one on leadership, but I thought, no, I need to read one on religion.  I looked for “A Way Through the Wilderness”, a book I love, but I couldn’t find it, so I settled on Adam Hamilton’s “24 Hours That Changed the World”.  I had never read it, but Laurel had, and she really liked it.  And it was an awesome choice for me at the moment.

As I started reading it on my flight to Mexico City, early on, I came to a section titled “A Meal That Defines Us”.  In it, there were these lines:

“What memories define you?  Are there events or words that play over and over inside your head?.... Those things are not meant to define you.  There is something else, a larger story, that defines you.  For you and me as Christians, our defining story is accompanied by a meal and some important words: “On the night when he was betrayed, Jesus took a loaf of bread, and when He had given thanks, He broke it and said, ‘This is my body that is for you.  Do this in remembrance of me.’  In the same way He took the cup also, after supper, saying, ‘This cup is the new covenant in my blood.  Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.’  For as often as you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until He comes.”

I oftentimes refer to those times when God speaks to me as “two by four” moments.  God knows I’m really not a good listener, so He has to smack me really hard across the head for me to listen.  As noted a few blogs ago, I had God speak to me through Pastor Rudy, and now I had two moments where I truly believe God is trying to get through my really thick head and get me to allow myself to forgive me. 

“There’s a slow, slow train comin’ up around the bend”

As I shared all of this with Hailey, my emotions were probably as strong as they’ve been since we started meeting.  But for once, we were starting on some good emotions.  As she noted, and she has an analogy for it, forgiveness is like a train, when you finally decide to forgive, that’s the engine starting up, but that forgiveness has to travel through all of the cars of the train, which represent many emotions, until finally, it reaches the caboose, and actual forgiveness happens.  When she shared that picture with me, I told her that the engine of my train was just starting to slowly work its way out of the station, it was currently moving at a turtle’s pace, but, it was moving forward.

For the first time, I left my counseling session feeling good.  For the first time, I felt like I was starting, ever so slowly, to be moving forward.  Hailey gave me an assignment, which was a real struggle for me to agree to, but I’m going to give it a shot.  As she said, “Even if you don’t believe it, it’s good to say something out loud and try to convince yourself of it.  Even if you know it’s a lie for the moment, say it out loud to yourself.”  After much debate and disagreement on the wording (I know, but I can’t help myself), I agreed to tell myself each day, “I’m moving toward forgiving myself”. 

As I’ve noted, I have a huge amount of thanks to give to Hailey, but as I’ve also noted, I truly believe God has had a hand in this.  Maybe God’s not through with me yet.

Sinking Deep - From Darkness

“But it’s a sad man my friend who’s livin’ in his own skin and can’t stand the company.”

After a few months of getting to know each other better, my counselor, Hailey, and I jointly decided it was time to take the plunge into the past and explore the roots of my depression.  We both knew it wouldn’t be a pleasant journey, but it was a journey we had to take, nonetheless, to try to move forward toward healing.

We headed back, way back to probably about 30 years ago, and we explored a life and a person I really didn’t know, and I definitely didn’t like.  We talked about those years, those events, and ultimately my abandonment of my family.  We explored what was happening and what led up to this.  But you know, it was the strangest thing, I couldn’t really recall much of the details.  It was kind of like the one time when I fell running, and all I can really remember was the fact I was lying on the ground, couldn’t remember how I got there or what happened, but I could remember how much it hurt.  We went through the same experience.  Hailey would question me about various points, timelines, etc., and I really couldn’t remember much of anything.  I was actually sitting there shaking, it was such a painful experience to go through.  I had shut this part of my life out completely, except for the global fact of abandoning my family, and it was hard and painful to recollect any of the details. 

After that, I plunged deeply, it was too painful to go through it.  I still agree, it had to be done, but it opened up some deep wounds.  As we got back together and discussed it, Hailey assured me that this was normal and expected.  I had stuffed this pain down and kept shoving it down for 30 years.  We had just started digging it out, and unfortunately, we never really did anything to heal it, we just left that open wound sitting there exposed. 

As we talked about it more, I realized how much I hated that person I was, and while it may be self-evident for many, it’s hard to go through life with so much hate inside, especially for yourself.  Have you ever gone through those exercises where you imagine someone sitting in front of you, a loved one, a friend, a colleague, someone you don’t particularly like, and you imagine smiling at them and giving them a big hug and telling them how much you love and appreciate them?  I’ve done that before, and I went through that exercise with Hailey, and where I always fail, is with myself.  When it comes time to visualize myself, smile, give myself a big hug, and say I love you, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Hailey and I have gone through the discussions, if someone does something wrong to you, do you forgive them?  Of course, we all screw up.  Do you believe God forgives you?  Of course, He forgives us all.  Do you forgive yourself?  Well, that’s another matter altogether.  I know, I know, I know, logic doesn’t work here, and I get that.

As noted, we opened up a huge, gaping wound, and it’s going to take some time to figure out how to heal it. 

“For by grace, you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works” – Ephesians 2:8-9

Digging into the past was bad enough, but then we had a serious “Aha moment”. 

Hailey asked me what do other people like about you, what do others see as good qualities that you possess?

I started listing off various acts of kindness that I’ve done, nice things I’ve done for people.  She looked at me very quizzically, and said, “You really didn’t say anything about yourself or good qualities you have, all you did was list things you do for people.”

That one hit like a brick.  I never realized that I perceive my value purely by my acts, not who I am.  We delved briefly into the religious implications of this, but I noted to Hailey, I’m a firm believer that the only way to Heaven and to redemption is through Jesus Christ and Grace.  While works are important, they don’t get us there.  It’s not a religious thing, that’s not why I do works, it’s because that is the only way I can feel better about myself, it’s the only way I can like myself.  While dredging up my past was painful, this was an awful realization about myself.  I’m not sure anyone could imagine how devastated I was when this hit home.

I started thinking about how I’ve grown to feel the most uncomfortable in the two places I love the most, Shallowford Presbyterian Church and Ebb and Flow Yoga Studio.  I just don’t feel like I’m worthy.  I told Hailey how we close most yoga classes with the instructor saying, “The divine light in me honors the divine light in you.  And when we’re in this place together, we are one.  Namaste”, and how I just don’t feel like I’ve “earned” hearing that. 

Is this rock bottom?  Well, I surely hope so!  If I’ve thoroughly depressed you, please read on for my next post, “Sinking Deep – Into Light”  While Hailey has been amazing, well, there’s no one who can match God when you need some help.