A Clearing Season - New Growth

“..the essence of gratitude is saying to God, surprise me… By such openness we say to God, whatever you give me, whatever surprise comes to me from you, I accept and welcome”

Atlanta to Harrisburg to Atlanta. 

This week brought a slight reprieve on the travel, just one short trip to Chambersburg, Pennsylvania.  The joy for me has been I’ve traveled the last week to Richmond, Indiana and Chambersburg with two colleagues from work, Brent Shadix and Jeanne Thrift.  I should also clarify that they are much more than colleagues, they are two very close friends.  As I’ve noted before in my blog posts, Brent is probably the best friend I’ve ever had at work, and also one of my greatest mentors.  Simply stated, he has made me a better person.  Jeanne is an incredible lady, I think the world of her, and she is a very dear friend.  Separate, they are great to be around, I really enjoy spending time with them.  Together, it is magical.  They have such a special friendship and relationship, I can just sit back and watch them interact, it is just so much fun.  While we worked hard this last week, I truly enjoyed the time we spent together.

The reading this week focused on new growth, and was probably the most enjoyable chapter for me.  There were so many nuggets of wisdom that I found myself wanting to highlight virtually the whole chapter.  I’ve listed the one quote above regarding surprise, which is often a hard thing for us to accept or want.  As I’ve noted, I tend to want to control everything, but I do have to say that I’ve had some great moments in my life due to surprise.  A couple that came to mind were:

The birth of our sons, Patrick and Sean - Some people know, Laurel and I weren’t exactly planning to have any more children.  The funny thing was that at one point early on, we were sitting in church, and there was a guest preacher.  He said in his sermon something along the lines of “the best things in life happen when you’ve made other plans”.  Laurel and I discussed it later, and both of us had the same exact thought that popped into our heads – we’re pregnant (of course, Laurel had a bit of a better idea than me!).  What made the pregnancy that much more special is that prior to it, we had been struggling in our marriage.  I wasn’t sure if we would really be able to make it, and the problem was squarely me, and not Laurel.  Somehow, the fact that she was pregnant seemed to be the impetus I needed to “grow up” and be a husband and father to Megan and Kelly, and now a new baby.

But again, God had other plans.  Just as we were adjusting to the fact that we were having a baby, Laurel started saying, “I think I’m having twins”.  I laughed, I said she was crazy, I dismissed the idea.  Soon, she had an ultrasound, and she called me at work.  I joked, “So, are you having twins?”.  She said yes, and we then had a back and forth conversation of me saying “You’re joking, seriously?” and Laurel confirming “yes, we’re having twins.”  After several iterations, Laurel said, “Do you want me to put the nurse on the phone?”  I confirmed I did, and the nurse said, “Well, you’re having twins, one’s definitely a boy, and I think the other one is too.”  I again went to my response to Laurel, “You’re joking, seriously?”, and she said “I would never joke about something like this.”  And the rest is history.

Leaving my job at Barco – What didn’t seem like a wonderful surprise at the time truly became one.  Again, God can surprise you, and you need to wait for the surprise to completely unfold.  When I worked at Barco, I used to say that I bleed Barco red.  I would travel continually, I would call co-workers from church, I completely gave up my parental responsibilities to work ridiculous hours.  I lived for Barco.  Then, after 13 years, Barco got a new CFO in Belgium, and he took an instant disliking to me.  I figured I could win him over, but there was no winning him over.  He was either going to figure out how to fire me, or make my life so miserable that I would resign.  I was devastated, but I left Barco and went to WIKA, where I’ve been for nine years now, and I love it even more than I did working at Barco.

But that’s not the full story.  As I said, I gave up my life, my faith, my family for Barco, and I don’t blame Barco, I was the problem.  When this happened, I finally figured out what the most important things in my life were, and I took back my family.  I unfortunately missed a lot of years that you can never get back, but I did learn before it was too late.  While I love working at WIKA, and I work hard, I will never put my job above my family again.  God gave me a wonderful surprise, I didn’t realize it at the time, but it turned out to make all the difference in the world.

While I had two major life-changing surprises as I noted above, I had two other great surprises just this past week:

Georgia Gwinnett College Part-time Teacher Award – I’ve been teaching in the evenings at Georgia Gwinnett College for seven years, and I’m retiring this year due to my travel schedule.  It’s been a very tough decision for me since I love teaching so much, and I love the students.  On Monday, I received an e-mail that I had received the Business Department’s Part-time Teacher Award.  Now, I’m not much for awards or accolades, I do what I do because I enjoy it, and I’m being perfectly honest, the opportunity to teach was award enough.  I will still say though that this e-mail made my day.  I really like and respect the people in the Business Department at GGC, and while I think the award is essentially just a “retirement gift”, I still deeply appreciate them thinking of me.

Barbara Riley from the Amanda Riley Foundation – I decided to give a Clinging Cross this week to Barbara Riley, Founder of the Amanda Riley Foundation.  I have so much admiration for Barbara and her family for what they do.  Seven years ago, she lost her daughter Amanda to childhood cancer.  While I can only imagine the pain of losing a child, and hope I never experience it, Barbara decided to dedicate herself to help other families that are going through a similar situation as she did by starting the Amanda Riley Foundation.  I hope Barbara doesn’t mind but I wanted to post a picture of Amanda for my blog post.  She was, and is, a beautiful child of God.

Yet again, God obviously had a hand in all of this, because it surely wasn’t me, but the timing worked out well.  A day or two after I gave Barbara the Clinging Cross, I got this e-mail back from her:

"I also want to thank you for the beautiful gift of the Clinging Cross.  What a thoughtful gift and much needed at this time of year.  This week and the coming weeks are always very difficult ones for us as each day represents a different anniversary of that horrible time in our lives.  Seven years ago yesterday was the last day Amanda was at home and seven years ago today we were told there was nothing more they could do.  So to say the timing of this gift could not have been better....but then God's timing is always right on.  Truly I do appreciate it and will treasure it forever."

So God, I'm ready, bring it on.  Surprise me.

Just a few more things and then I'm done.

Our Senior Pastor Chris Henry was back after taking some time off with his new baby and his family.  As usual, he didn’t disappoint.  The one part of his sermon gave me one of those light bulb moments, although it really shouldn’t be.  Maybe that’s why I always say my head is stuffed with fluff, the obvious just isn’t that obvious to me.  Anyway, when he talked about “A Clearing Season” and making space, he said:

“But making space for renewal of the soul is not like adding another item to the to-do list.  Caring for the soul is a gift we give ourselves, not an obligation we begrudgingly meet.  If we don’t make room to receive that spiritual gift, there will never be enough time in our crowded lives.  Like tidying up, making space for God is a choice and a commitment.  It involves setting priorities and holding ourselves accountable and sometimes, it means stretching ourselves beyond the comfortable.”

I had the hardest time not exclaiming “Wow!” or something like that when Chris said it in church, and I couldn’t wait for his sermon to be posted online to read it again.  Such powerful words.

As I noted, the reading this week had so many precious gems, but one of the sections discussed Vulnerability and the power that you can gain from vulnerability.  The passage cited various great examples, including Gandhi and Martin Luther King, but of course, it centered on the power through vulnerability of Jesus Christ and the Cross.  It said:

“Power is not what the world says it is, rather, we find power in the story of the Crucifixion.  We find power in a love that triumphs by passing through the vulnerability of death.  Each time that force seems to have defeated the vulnerable, resurrection is actually right around the corner.  Love returns to the world every time, with tender vulnerability so powerful it is unstoppable.”

Finally, some lyrics from my current “go to” song, “Heaven Knows” by Hillsong United:

"Hold my heart, don't let it break like fear

Sometimes a moment feels like a thousand years

God only knows why love is drenched in tears

Maybe that's what makes it love

Maybe that's what makes it love"

As I survey what God has presented to me this week, I have to say that I'm grateful for:

The love of a wife for a husband who didn't deserve it

The love of friendship

The love of teachers for their students

The love of a mother for her child

The love of a pastor for his church

The gift of God's surprises in my life

The love of a Father for all of us to sacrifice His only Son

A Clearing Season - Natural Rhythms

 “In the balance of law versus grace, what matters most is not our detailed, pious observance of the law but the heart with which we fulfill them.”

Houston to Atlanta to Houston to Atlanta to Richmond, IN to Atlanta. 

This week’s chapter centered on developing natural rhythms for our days to try to come up with practices that bring us closer to God in our Lenten Journey.   This will provide us with a new discipline foundation to build on.  I have attempted to develop my natural rhythm in the airplane and in my hotel room by focusing on “A Clearing Season” and focusing on my weekly blog about my Lenten Journey.

I must confess, this has been hard for me.  One of the difficulties for me has been committing to writing about my Lenten Journey each week.  I have had my blog for several years now, and my practice is fairly simple.  An idea for a blog post comes to me.  When I go on my morning runs, I “write” it in my head.  It usually takes a good month or two for me to write it, just like with my running, I’m slow.  Once I finally commit it to computer, it usually takes maybe an hour or two to finish it because it’s pretty much already written.  Since my practice is based on when something moves me rather than something under a constant rhythm, my writing over the last few weeks has presented a challenge for me, but a good challenge.  As Dave Carr would say, it has taken me from my comfort zone to a creative zone (but not a panic zone!). 

When I write, I largely do it for myself because I enjoy creating something since much of what I do every day is not creative (I’m probably being too harsh).  I really don’t focus too much on who reads it or doesn’t and as I often joke my readership consists of mainly two people, my Mom and Laurel.  Once in a while though, a blessing occurs, and just as my analogy about teaching goes, if you can reach one or two students a semester, I consider it a success.

In this case, I reached two very old friends (not in age) from my past, and it really made me feel good that two people who I had no idea read my blog, read it, and got something from it.  One was our first neighbor from when we bought our first house.  We “grew up” together as new parents many years ago, and it made me feel good to see she had read my blog and enjoyed it.  The other was an old friend from high school and college.  He reached out to me to express his gratitude for my post, and it was so nice to hear from an old friend from growing up.  I will have to say that this really made my week.  If one or even two people get something out of what I write over this Lenten Journey, I will consider it extremely successful, particularly since I am getting so much out of it.

The sermon this Sunday was based on Luke 12: 35-40 about being ready when God comes knocking at the door.  Bradley Kibler, Shallowford’s Director of Youth and Program Ministries, delivered the sermon, and it was incredible.  She was poignant, she was funny, she just delivered a great message, I was so impressed at how she tied it all together.  She maintained the theme of our Lenten Journey, and she focused on what can happen when we free up space and create room for growth.  When we free ourselves up, when we are ready for that knock, we are better able to become instruments of God in the world.  If we keep our eyes open, it’s amazing what we can see.  When we create space, we create better opportunities for surprise, for showing love and for creativity.  She even ripped a page out of her planner as a visual for us of not being bogged down in our daily schedules and plans, but maintaining the opportunity for greater connection with God through freeing up space.  While I had a strong feeling she really didn’t rip out a page of her planner, I still had a mild panic attack when she did this.

It reminded me of two powerful times in my life when God came knocking.  Once, I wasn’t ready, and I failed miserably, and once I was ready and made room, which made all the difference.

Several years ago, and I did write a blog post about it, I was sitting on a bench in front of a music store waiting for Patrick to finish his music lesson.  I was busy (crazy busy!) doing some work, and a gentleman, who I mistakenly thought was a street person sat down next to me and started talking to me.  I couldn’t give him the time of day, and I became angrier and angrier as time wore on and he wouldn’t shut up.  He began talking after a while about losing his wife a short time before, and how much he missed her.  He told me that this is probably why he talks so much to people, he’s just lonely because he misses her.  I stopped in my tracks at that point and realized how badly I had erred.  When I left, he looked me in the eyes, deep into my eyes, and I truly believe I was looking at the eyes of Jesus Christ.  And I realize how badly I failed.  To top it all off, it happened to be Easter Week.

The second time was several years ago also, and it was shortly after Patrick had come back from his second trip to a mental hospital.  Late at night, when we were almost ready to go to bed, Patrick came downstairs and said Allen Hoskyn (our Associate Pastor at the time) was coming over.  Laurel and I were shocked, we were tired, probably in our pajamas, definitely not ready for company.  But the doorbell rang, and there was Allen.  Patrick essentially invited Allen over to be the “mediator” between us.  It wasn’t that we weren’t getting along, it was that he had things he needed to tell us, and he needed that moral support to tell us.  I will never forget Allen’s willingness to pull himself away from his family late at night to play broker in our family.  It was helpful, we got a lot out on the table, and we had some honest conversations.  Allen was that welcome knock on the door many times in our trials with Patrick, and I will never forget him for that.

The other thing that jumped into my head listening to Bradley’s sermon was that we need to love others as the beautiful child of God that they are.  As I was flying this week, I asked the flight attendant for a coffee, and she brought it to me, but I had forgotten to ask for cream.  As she came back, and I apologized for my mistake, she started laughing, and I looked up, and I saw a beautiful child of God with a wonderful smile.  Delta gives its Medallion members these forms that you can give to a flight attendant or other employee, thanking them for whatever they may have done for you, and the Delta employee get 500 free miles.  I gave Latrice one of those forms, and wrote a note on it explaining why I gave it to her.  I simply wrote a few sentences about what a nice young lady she was and what a wonderful smile she had.  She was so appreciative, mainly for what I wrote,  and I thought to myself, how simple is it to make someone’s day?  Thank them, tell them they have a beautiful smile, be kind, it really doesn’t take much.  When we free up space, when we create room, we can show more love.  And we can tell them and remind them that they are a beautiful child of God.

Just a few more points, and I’m done:

We again had a wonderful Adult Education class about creating space, and in this case, hospitality.  I have to say, Shallowford is an amazing place for hospitality, and I can’t believe that we’ve been attending there for about a year, and people treat us like their best friends. 

Clinging Cross Ministry - This week’s Clinging Cross went to Bradley Kibler for pitching a shutout with her sermon.  For those who don’t know, I love baseball and I love pitching.  For me, a shutout is a masterpiece.  That’s what Bradley did.  I was so pumped up after hearing her sermon, it really inspired me.  She gave me the inspiration to create space, to love, to create, to encounter surprise this week.  Bradley also does something that I really can’t do, she serves the youth of the church.  Years ago, Laurel and I served as youth counselors at our church for one year.  At the end of one year, I told the pastor in charge of the ministry, “I know I have many gifts, but this isn’t one of them.”  I’m amazed at what Bradley is able to do, and many others are able to do, in working with youth.  It’s definitely not my calling.  It is Bradley's calling.  And, she is a beautiful child of God.

Last thing, in line with the natural rhythms.  As I was running this morning, the song “Break Every Chain” came on my Ipod.  If you don’t know this song, it’s very repetitive and very rhythmic.  As we enter another week of Lent, keep in mind that –

There’s a power in the name of Jesus

There’s a power in the name of Jesus

There’s a power in the name of Jesus

To break every chain, break every chain, break every chain

Hallelujah.

A Clearing Season - First Clearing

“Your Lenten discipline requires breaking your heart for God”

Atlanta to Sao Paulo, Brazil, Sao Paulo to Mexico City, Mexico City to Atlanta, Atlanta to Houston.

This past week and a half has been hectic, it was good to experience time in church on Sunday, excellent Adult Education class and then a great service and sermon.

As I sit in my hotel room in Houston, I reflect back to four years ago when our world fell apart.  As we adjusted to withdrawing Patrick from college due to his suicidal tendencies, as we checked him out of the first mental hospital, he revealed to us that he has been sexually abused by his music teacher. 

I remember that for at least 2-3 days, I had zero emotion, not a thing.  No nothing.  It was the strangest thing.  But then the one morning, as I was out for a run, the dam broke.  Tears, massive tears, anger, frustration, hate, embarrassment overwhelmed me.  I couldn’t control it anymore.  I was broken, and quite frankly, my brokenness was nothing compared to Patrick’s brokenness.  I still had my faith in God, I still relied on God to get through everything, but Patrick had lost his faith in God, he was angry and bitter toward God. 

I sit here now in tears, so many times, I end up in tears thinking about and remembering those days and the pain that Patrick has gone through, still goes through, and what we’ve been through.  We will never be the same, our lives are changed forever.  But I still believe, and I won’t change my belief, somehow, this will ultimately lead to something that will be to the glory of God.

While my week has been hectic and overwhelming at times, I continue to find blessings to help me see God’s work in my days.  Catherine Foster’s sermon Sunday was incredible, and she had one line at the end that really hit home, particularly thinking about what we had been through.  She said:

“So when the setbacks and storms of life come, and they will, don’t try to get out of the boat and walk on water. Stay in the boat, work with the brothers and sisters God has placed at your side, look for God IN the storm, and worship the Lord for his provision and grace.”

I remember when we were in our deepest, darkest moments, we had so many people from our church, from work, our family, that helped pull us through.  We had plenty of brothers and sisters in the boat with us, and they helped us through the storm.  And God was there, He was always there, suffering right along with us.  We couldn’t have made it through without God and without all of the people who helped us along the way.

I also had a major revelation this week (or actually, Laurel did).  We had an issue this week with Sean that came up, and my immediate reaction to Laurel was to vent and express that I would not do anything to help.  As I went out for my run, I was angry and frustrated with myself for my reaction.  But afterward, I said to Laurel that she needs to understand that sometimes I react, I vent, but ultimately, it’s just a reaction, and I need to get it out and then do what I need to do.  She said, “of course I know that.  You’d do anything for our kids, I know that, it doesn’t matter what it is, you’d do anything for them.”  

I may not be my Dad, I may not be the cheerleader that he was, but nothing will stop me from doing whatever it takes to help my children whenever they need anything.  She knew it, I probably knew it, I just need to understand myself as well as she understands me.

More blessings?  So many!  Just a few snippets of God’s providence:

• From Adult Education, a line from John O’Donohue’s “To Bless the Space Between Us”, this line, “Though suffering and chaos befall us, they can never quench that inner light of providence”.  Each week, I can’t believe how excited I get to go to Adult Education, it’s really a great group of people, and I gain so much insight from them.

• I downloaded a few songs from the soundtrack to “The Shack”, including “Stars” from Skillet and “Heaven Knows” from Hillsong United.  From ”Stars”, “If you can calm the raging sea, you can calm the storm in me” and from “Heaven Knows”, “Hold my heart, don’t let it bleed no more, sometimes forgiveness is like a man at war”.  Always great to have new music for my morning runs to get me ready to face a new day.

• Clinging Cross Ministry – I sent a Clinging Cross up to Callie Picardo, Vice President for Development at United Theological Seminary.  Callie is about to give birth to her first child, and she has helped to give me a great deal more faith in God’s provision and the power of prayer.  There’s a blog post coming on this, by the way, later on.  She is just an incredible young lady.

As I finish up this post, I reflect to my run this morning, and once more, “Keep Your Eyes on Me”:

“Keep your eyes on me

When you’re lost in the dark

Keep your eyes on me

When the light in your heart is

Too burned out to see

Keep your eyes on me”

A Clearing Season - Exploring the Wilderness

“The Spirit immediately drove Jesus out into the wilderness.  He was in the wilderness forty days tempted by Satan, and He was with the wild beasts, and the angels waited on Him” Mark 1: 12-13.

“Self-scrutiny is part of Lent’s process, but we do not observe Lent for the sake of self-scrutiny alone.  To sit too long with the guilt and shame of our misdeeds would, in fact, go against the gospel message.  Christ’s message is one of new life and forgiveness…”

I wrote a blog post a few years ago titled “What Is Wrong With Me”.  It focused on how I had seemed to slip into a spiritual desert, and struggled to get out of it.  I hadn’t lost my faith, I just was in a malaise, a down period, and I just couldn’t break out of it.  Unfortunately, it took the death of one of my students to snap me out of it.  I wrote about that transformation in a follow-up blog post titled, “Out of the Desert”.

The first chapter of “A Clearing Season” is titled Exploring the Wilderness.  It discusses the fact that we need to explore situations that make us uncomfortable,   To fully experience the Lenten experience, we must take ourselves to difficult places and see things that we really don’t want to see.  As the quote above notes though, we can’t get stuck there, we have to move on, we have to experience new life and forgiveness.

As I’ve noted, I do get stuck there sometimes, and I need to figure out how to experience the wilderness, or desert, depending on your choice of metaphors, but move on to new life and forgiveness.  As I noted last week, my focus is to be much more intentional about my faith, to experience Lent, to embrace this, to keep my eyes open and to keep my eyes on God. 

As I finish my first week of Lent, I’d like to move past the “wild beasts” I’ve encountered, and I have to delight in some of the angels that I was able to experience along the way.  Part of this is due to my heightened sense of trying to truly experience Lent and embrace it, I’m sure, but I’m thankful for:

• “Keep Your Eyes on Me” – As I would sit on planes, taking off or landing, I’d let my mind wander to hearing Faith Hill singing that line over and over again.  No disrespect to Tim McGraw, but ever since I heard Faith Hill sing “Breathe”, I’ve been in love with her voice.
• “Break Every Chain” – As I was going through customs in Sao Paolo, Brazil, I heard faintly this sweet voice over the sound system, singing “There’s a power in the name of Jesus to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain”.  I had never heard this version before, I have the Will Reagan version, but I’m going to have to try to find it.  What a wonderful way to start the journey.
• Clinging Cross Ministry – I gave out my first Clinging Cross for Lent.  I chose a wonderful young lady who is starting a new journey at work with us.  She is moving from a division to corporate, a change I am very familiar with, and know how hard it can be.  The good news is that she is an incredible person, and I’m sure she will flourish in her new opportunity.  But we can all use encouragement along the way.
• Clinging Cross Part 2 – When I posted my blog post last week on Facebook, I inadvertently had posted a picture of my Clinging Cross.  Sometimes I’m not the most technically savvy person.  It was a very fortuitous error to make because several of the people who I had given Clinging Crosses to over the years made comments about their Clinging Crosses. 
• Chris Henry’s Sermon – On my flight from Sao Paolo to Mexico City, I was able to read Chris’ sermon from Sunday that I had missed since I was traveling, “A Clearing Season: Entering the Wilderness”.  It was outstanding, of course, but there was a beautiful story toward the end of the sermon that brought me to tears.  While I wish I could have been in church to hear it, I was thankful I had the opportunity to read it on my trip.  It made a very painful, long flight much more bearable.

 While we must face Satan and the wild beasts when we explore the wilderness, I’m thankful for the angels that help get us through that journey.  We can’t make it without them.

A Clearing Season

Last week our Senior Pastor Chris Henry introduced our Lenten Study for the next six weeks or so, which will center around a book, “A Clearing Season” and small group development and interaction to study the book and come closer to God.

I have to confess that I’ve never been much for Lent, and please don’t take that in the wrong way.  Due to my job and profession, this is one of the worst times of the year, I’m “crazy busy” (wait, didn’t Chris do a sermon on that topic?), and I just don’t have time for Lent.

As Chris introduced the study and the schedule, I looked and realized that there was a bit of a problem.  Week 1, wait, I’m out of town.  Week 2, that’s right, I’m out of town.  As we went through each week, it dawned on me, I was going to be out of town through Holy Week.  It was going to be a little difficult to engage in this study if I was going to be out of town every week.

I decided though that as “crazy busy” as I am, as difficult as this might be, I need this Lenten study as much or more than ever.  In our Sunday School class, we have been studying the book, “The Shack”, and reading this book and rehashing some memories of our “Year of Discontent” in 2013 made me realize I need to resolve some things in my life. 

Let me take a step back for a second.  As those of you who have read my blog know, 2013 was the year that everything unraveled for us.  We came off of an incredible 2012 as a family, and one by one, things fell apart.  We put our dog Minnie to sleep, Laurel’s Mom died, my Dad died, and worst of all, we had to withdraw Patrick from college after he started having suicidal tendencies and had to go into a mental hospital twice.  To make it even worse, we discovered through this that the music teacher, who we had trusted as family, had sexually abused Patrick leading him to this desire to commit suicide. 

The interesting thing was that through everything, through the pain, the crying, the hurt, the feeling of failure, and those nights of thinking, I really can’t go through another day, my faith in God grew stronger.  Sure, there were days, when I’d be out on my morning runs, when I’d curse God, I’d question His wisdom, His “plan”, but my faith in Him didn’t waiver and I actually grew closer to God.  I’ve never been closer to God in my entire life, and since then, while my faith hasn’t changed, I’m not nearly as close to Him as I was then.  And as Chris alluded to last week, so who do you think moved?

I remember reading a story about prisoners of war during World War II describing the bond they had with each other and their closeness with God during that time, not knowing from day to day if they would continue living or be killed.  They described what it was like to be released, to be free, but lose that closeness with God.  While I would never compare my situation to theirs, I’ve experienced a similar phenomenon.  When I was at my deepest, I was closest to God. 

We discussed this briefly last week, and one young lady hit the nail on the head, at least for me.  We are so achievement oriented, we think we can do anything.  Most of the time, we don’t need God.  We essentially tell God through most of our lives, “I got this God, no need to intervene”.  It’s only when we hit bottom, when we can’t figure out what to do, we reach out to God for help.  Once we get through the tragedy or despair, we go back to our old ways.  I’m probably one of the worst there is for wanting control, so I can really relate to the idea of being in control and not needing God.

The question then becomes, how do we achieve this closeness with God without some awful thing happening to us to put us in the position of needing Him?  I’ll be honest, I never want to go through another year like 2013 again, so I really want to figure out how to do this without falling into the depths of Hell on earth again.  That will be my task, and I invite you to my journey.  I plan to write about my Lenten journey over the next six weeks or so, and share with you my progress. I will update my blog post as I go, and I hope, you will see some progress on the way. 

To get me traveling in the right direction, I’ve taken a few of the key points that Chris shared on Keeping a Holy Lent.  They are:

• Self Examination - How is it with your soul?
• Self Denial - We do not live by bread alone
• Acts of Compassion - Serving others in need
• Gathering in Community - For worship and study

·         I always believe the first step comes down to focus.  To help me focus on what I need to do and to put

me in the right frame of mind, I changed my computer screen background for this period of time.  I chose my favorite benediction from our many years at Westminster and from a dear friend, Sandy McConnel.  I’ve posted a picture of the benediction that I am planning to wake up to each day when I turn on my computer.

Self Examination – One of the things that really hit me as I read “The Shack” was I need to work on forgiveness.  I realize that while I need to forgive others, first, I need to forgive myself.  I struggle greatly with how I treated my father, and with my lack of being a good father.  My Dad was an incredible man, and an incredible father.  Unfortunately, to a great extent, I didn’t realize it until he was gone.  My Dad was so proud of me, and no matter what I did, he was proud of me.  He was always my biggest fan, and he made sure I knew it.

While I feel the same way about my own children, I just don’t have that ability that he had to show them how proud I am of them.  I wish I had his gift, I wish I could be the man and father he was, I just haven’t been able to do it like he could.

I can’t change the past, I can’t go back and show my Dad how much I appreciate all he did for me like I should have, but I have to get past that and forgive myself for what I didn’t do.  I also have time, hopefully plenty of time, to show my children how proud I am of them like my Dad did for me.  Re-reading “The Shack” really opened up this wound for me that needs to be addressed and healed.  I can’t effectively forgive others until I learn to forgive myself.  This will be a major part of my self-examination this Lenten season.

Self Denial – No more “useless” internet.  My point here is that I have to use the Internet for banking, some purchases, travel, teaching, but other than that, no internet.  I/we waste too much time on useless internet sites, and as Dave Carr would say, we have to avoid those rabbit holes.  No useless internet, more effective study and reflection.

Acts of Compassion – Historically, I have had a “Clinging Cross” ministry.  Periodically, when I find

someone in need, I give them a Clinging Cross with a note to help them through their issue or as encouragement for them.  I just ordered six more Clinging Crosses, and my plan is to become more intentional this Lenten Season, and give out those six Clinging Crosses to those who need some compassion and encouragement.  I’ve posted a picture of my Clinging Cross, which doesn’t look nearly as nice as the ones I’ve just bought.  Mine has seen better days, but it’s also helped me through my worst days.

Gathering in Community – On a plane?  Seriously, I can still make this work.  I plan to read “A Clearing Season” along with the church, and hopefully, somehow interact with some people along the way, maybe at church on Sunday, to get the most out of the book and this journey.  As Dave Carr would say, we have to live in commUNITY. 

One final thought.  As a part of studying “The Shack”, we’re planning to go see the movie when it comes out.  Tim McGraw and Faith Hill have recorded a song for the movie titled, “Keep Your Eyes on Me”.  It’s funny, the lyrics are rather simple, but the message is so easy, so clear, but so true.  It’s really that easy, we just make it so hard.  As I thought about the song, I thought about 2013, and really how I was able to make it through that year.

When your mother-in-law dies:

“Keep your eyes on me”

When your Dad dies:

“Keep your eyes on me”

When your son wants to kill himself because someone he trusted and loved committed a terrible crime against him:

“Keep your eyes on me”

When you just don’t know how you will be able to make it through another day:

“Keep your eyes on me”

When the rock in your life, the one who never falters, starts crumbling and can’t take it anymore:

“Keep your eyes on me”

If we maintain our focus, we can get through anything.  It's Ash Wednesday, my Lenten Journey begins.