And forgive us our sins. As we forgive those who sin against us. Forgive us when we hate what you love. Forgive us when we would rather anesthetize ourselves than feel anything. Forgive us for how much we resent in others the same things we hate in ourselves. Forgive us for the terrible things we think about our own bodies, bodies you have made in your image. And this one is hard, but please forgive us for thinking we know the hearts of our enemies. From Nadia Bolz-Weber’s version of the Lord’s Prayer
Toward the end of 2021, I went to a nutritionist to help me with my issues surrounding Crohn’s Disease. I had tried virtually everything, short of going on more aggressive medication that could potentially have side effects. I don’t like taking any medication, but I’m most likely stuck with Mesalamine for the rest of my life, unless I can help it, and I didn’t want to expand further. I decided to try a nutritionist that could help me at least deal with my issues as best as possible.
I introduced her to my current diet. I was eating 2-3 breakfast bars a day to get through the day, and then I’d eat a light meal at night. When I showed her the breakfast bars, her reaction was, “Why in the world are you eating those, they’re the worst thing you could be eating. They’re full of preservatives that are terrible for you.” Shockingly, I had missed the mark completely on my self care.
She put me on a 12-week diet to start with to try to essentially clean out my body. Each day I was allowed to eat:
- Two eggs – plain, only salt and pepper
- One apple
- Two bananas
- One piece of white meat chicken – plain, I could have some olive oil for flavor
- One potato – plain, again, only salt and pepper
- Two organic shakes for calories
Every single day…. The humor in all of this was the apple was the one thing I just couldn’t do. Felix Brockmeyer even sent a video of his daughter Finley teaching me how to eat an apple. I still couldn’t do it.
I was lucky enough to start this diet right before Thanksgiving and of course Christmas and New Year’s. I had a very exciting holiday season for meals, and, unfortunately, Laurel got to experience the same, even though I encouraged her not to follow my diet.
Partway through the diet, in a moment of frustration or anger, Laurel asked me what I wanted to do, to which I replied, “If this is all I can eat, I might as well drive my car into the lake.”
Wah, wah, wah
If I can take a brief moment to defend myself before I go back to berating myself, I have spent my entire life completely healthy. Until about 3-4 years ago, I can honestly say I’ve had virtually nothing ever wrong with me, and I’m coming up on 62 years old. I had tears in my retina a few years ago, I got a blood clot in my calf a couple years ago, and of course, I got Crohn’s Disease a few years ago. But, other than that, I’ve been completely healthy.
That can be a dual-edged sword. On one hand, I’m incredibly thankful and grateful for all of those years of impeccable health. On the other, this has been an adjustment for me, I’m not used to having to manage my daily life and having no idea what I can eat, and what it might do to me when I eat it.
As I’ve gradually worked out of the incredibly strict diet to a bit of a less strict one, I’ve started discovering a new problem. As I like to put it, my issue is probably 60-80 percent physical at the moment, and 20-40 percent mental. I’ve become scared to eat. My diet now isn’t really a whole lot better than the diet noted above. I’ve expanded a bit, I eat some other meats, some other potatoes, some other food groups, but not much else.
When I’m on the road, I gravitate back to the strict diet. I go to Whole Foods in each city and find various fruits for my hotel room. I take my organic shakes with me. I find the restaurants that have grilled chicken, and I get it served plain. I can tell you who has the best plain, grilled chicken in any city I’ve been to.
The side effects? Over the last couple of years, I’ve lost 30 pounds. I can assure you this hasn’t been a fun way to lose 30 pounds, if there is one. The reality is, I don’t have the same energy that I used to have, and I probably struggle a bit mentally due to a lack of food feeding my brain. On the latter point, some of you may be wondering, is there really much difference?
I’m not sure about the rest of you, but for the first 61 years of my life, I really didn’t like my body. I really worry that I’m not alone, I think there are many of us who don’t love our bodies. There is always something that we see in the mirror, that we perceive inside of us that makes us not find ourselves attractive. I’ve spent my entire life not liking it for whatever reason at the time, in no order:
- I was fat in grade school (wait, no, my Mom said I was husky)
- I have incredibly tight hamstrings
- I’m losing my hair and look more and more like Doc from “Back to the Future” everyday
- I’m bow-legged
- I have a bump on my face that appears to be getting bigger and bigger because my face keeps getting thinner and thinner
- To say I’m as slow as a tortoise may not be fair to the tortoise
- I had allergies to virtually everything that grew when I was growing up and we lived in the country
- I’m blind as a bat (again, may not be fair to the bat)
OK, I’m sure I could come up with many more, but the point is well taken, I didn’t like my body for really no “good” reason, it was all fairly superficial. As I’ve reflected on this, I’ve come to the conclusion for the first time in my life, which is sad really, that I love my body. Now that I have something to maybe not like my body for, I’ve actually come to like and appreciate it. So, what happened?
I guess I’ve finally gained some perspective. I have two very dear people near me with cancer, and of course, like many of us, I/we’ve lost many people to cancer. I don’t have cancer, at least not yet, and I’m thankful for that.
And really, to be honest, I have crohn’s disease. A dear friend, Alyssa Firestone, has CROHN’S DISEASE. I’ve had to deal with this for a few years, she has spent most of her life dealing with it. And her issues are by far greater than mine. I really have nothing to complain about compared to her. And still, she has been an amazing friend to me throughout this. She’s called me, counseled me, coached me, listened to me, sent me links to medical information, she has been incredible to me and for me throughout this situation. I couldn’t have imagined going through this without her. And her husband Drew threatened to punch me in the head the next time he sees me if I don’t get my shit together. While it may not sound like it, this was a very well-deserved instance of tough love that I needed.
Laurel has been wonderful through all of this also. While I’ve had the brunt of the diet experience, she’s had to be the one to make it work. And she had to put up with a great deal of it also, or at least chose to. I’m thankful for that. And similar to the Drew situation, we’ve had some sessions of tough love, she didn’t threaten to punch me in the head, but there was a lot of raised voices as she tried to talk some sense into me. We are still working on that as I continue to deal with the mental issues of being afraid to eat.
So I’m thankful. I posted a portion of Nadia Bolz-Weber’s Lord’s Prayer above, if anyone wants a full
