The Beginning of the End?

I remember early in the 2000's, I was sitting in Yoav Nir's office at Barco in Kortrijk, Belgium, and he shocked me with the following: 

“When do you think the US won’t be the leading country in the world?”

The thought had never crossed my mind, and I was completely taken aback.

Yoav went on, “I mean, it’s inevitable.  Throughout history, every great country, Greece, Italy, England, has eventually fallen, has gone down in stature.  Eventually the same will happen to the US.  When do you think it will happen?”

I just couldn’t fathom this possibly happening.  For as long as I’ve known, and for as far as I could imagine, the US has and will be the greatest nation in the world.

As I sit here today, it’s obvious that has changed, and I sit here wondering, what was the beginning of the end?

There are a few potential tipping points along the way.  I know many would point to the rise of Donald Trump and the potential Civil War that his Presidency created, but it happened much before then, and really, we can’t blame him, it’s not his fault, it’s all of our fault.

I’ve thought a lot about what the beginning of the end was, and I still have no idea, but I have a few thoughts or really, only opinions, on when the beginning of the end was for us.

Maybe it was 9/11

It was a huge moment in our history, it was devastating, it shook the nation, and we suffered massive terrorism on our own soil, and we came together as a nation afterward.  But, we also showed our really, really ugly underbelly in the process. 

We have a long history of hatred and white supremacy, but we shined brightly after 9/11.  We took out our wrath on anyone who “looked like them”.  By that I mean, anyone who looked in any remote way like a Muslim.  If you were from the Middle East, or looked like you were, you were subject to death threats, terrorism, racial slurs, any form of hatred that we could impose upon them.

Keep in mind, the KKK has its roots in white supremacy and Christianity, so this wasn’t anything really new.  But it seemed that we were now able to justify our hatred, and instead of hiding underneath a cape to terrorize and kill people, we were doing it openly.  Clearly not the beginning, definitely not the end, but in many ways, it seemed 9/11 changed us for the worse.

Maybe it was the growth and impact of Fox “News”

Fox News began back in the late 1990’s, but has grown into a phenomenon.  Bill O’Reilly began the myth of the “War on Christmas”, and his cohorts on Fox have been able to keep it rolling.  Now American Christians lose their minds when people say “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Christmas”.  As noted, anyone of different religious faiths can be subject to slurs, threats and even death in the US, but American Christians can’t handle the pain and suffering that comes with hearing those dreaded words, “Happy Holidays”.

The current crop of Fox talking heads like Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham love to look for any opportunity to make veiled and overt racist comments.  While I have found most news sources to be less than reliable anymore, you would have to put a gun to my head to get me to watch Fox News.  Having said all that about them, they have found a very popular niche with their brand of hate for anything different and driving a stake between white Christian America and everyone else.

Maybe it was when we elected a black President

I still have no idea how this happened.  Maybe we should rewind the clock and say the election was stolen?  OK, bad joke.

I was always a life-long Republican, I voted straight party until 2016 when the Republican party jumped off the rails.  I haven’t gone back, and I may never go back. 

While I never voted for President Obama, the funny thing was, I could never come to dislike him.  I will say I despised Bill Clinton, and Hillary also, or for that matter most Democrats, but I just couldn’t find a good reason to dislike President Obama.  I didn’t always agree with him, but I thought he was a really good leader.

The interesting thing for me was seeing some of my friends and colleagues who shared my views on politics lose their minds about him.  What was intriguing was the comments were largely not about policy, it was about how he acted.  The most common I heard was, “He’s so arrogant, I can’t stand him!”  I often wondered, would we feel this way if he were white?

The End

Maybe I exaggerate, but I definitely feel like this is the end.  While many will find their own reasons to see the end as near, here are mine:

Guns > Children

Or more importantly, the money from the gun lobby over children.  The NRA has a stranglehold on our politicians, many of them should display their sponsors like NASCAR drivers to show who is funding them.  The NRA spends millions to own our, or I should say, their, politicians.

For those of you who believe we should all be armed to rise up in the event of some sort of overthrow of the government, you’ve watched too many movies like “Red Dawn”, where a group of teenagers fought back against a Russian invasion.   It may work in Hollywood, but not in real life.

Sadly, we are willing to allow our children to be slaughtered just so we can keep our guns, and keep in mind, most sane people don’t want to ban all guns, just assault weapons.

Book Banning

I really find it hard to believe I’m even having to say this, but book banning?  I’ve read some of the lists of books that are being banned in areas of our country, and many are some of the most beautiful books I’ve ever read.  Toni Morrison, my favorite author, seems to top the list, but I guess that’s understandable since she’s a black woman.  Many others are just flat out stunning, at first I thought it was a joke, but as I did more research, no, unfortunately, it wasn’t a joke.  We are banning great works of literature because apparently they are too controversial.  To be clear, this is coming from both sides, liberals and conservatives are advocating book banning.

If you look back in history, this is typically a downfall of society, a way to control the population by leaving them uneducated or trying to control what they read.  This isn’t anything new, and it has historically led to the demise of the nation.

Christian Nationalism

This country was founded on religious liberties, and was clearly founded on the separation of church and state.  If we want to change that, if we want to impose Christianity as the religion of this country, we have fundamentally lost who we are as a nation. 

Taking it a step further, I worship one God, but I honor those who have a different form of worship and worship a different God, and I believe our country should not play any part in this.  And, worshipping one God, I don’t worship this country, it is a country I love, but I don’t worship it.

Shipping Migrants

How we treat immigrants (visitors) to our country is appalling.  Can we justify shipping these people to distant parts of our country, or even back to their own country where their death is a most likely outcome?

For me, this is the tipping point.  I really don’t care what your politics are, but if you find this acceptable, or really, if you don’t find this appalling, I believe you have lost all sense of humanity, and really, as a country, we have.

Again, politics aside, these are human beings.  Using human beings as a political tool is beyond condemnation, those who perpetrated this should be tried for their crimes and put in jail.  If our fine governors in Florida and Texas had shipped a bunch of puppies and kittens to the Northeast, the cries of foul play would have been deafening, but in this case, it was just people of brown skin, so largely, we could give a shit. 

How close are we to getting the trains ready to ship these people to concentration camps, and then, to the gas chambers?  Oh wait, we love our guns so much, I’m sure we could come up with a way to use our guns to eliminate anyone who doesn’t look like us, talk like us, and worship like us. 

I’ve sat on this post for a couple months, trying to come up with a positive spin to this.  Sadly, I can’t, I can’t seem to find the pony in the box, we have stooped to such a level of hate for anyone of colors other than white, religion other than ultra-conservative Christianity, and nationalities other than our own, that I can’t see a way to recover.  I’ve been blessed over the last 25+ years to work for international companies, and I’ve spent a great deal of my time in countries in Latin America and Europe, and I’ve seen how loving and caring so many of the people in those countries are. 

And maybe, that’s just it.  As I drive through the country roads in Ohio, I see American flags everywhere.  I see and experience white people who embrace the flag, their religion, their heritage.  And I go back to what my dear friend Dave Carr taught me so many years ago.  The opposite of love isn’t hate.  The opposite of love is fear.

So many of these people are afraid of disappearing into nothingness, into oblivion, just being another person, a minority amongst all of the sea of colors.  I’ve been blessed to be able to experience the beauty of the rainbow of colors.  Many of these people haven’t been.  I’m not defending them, but I am trying to understand them.  I’m still not able to put a positive spin on all of this, but at least I’m trying to understand how we have become who we are.  Until we embrace who we are, and how far we have sunk, we have no hope of ever coming back to even a good country.  Fear has won our hearts. 

  

Just the Way You Are

 

A Beautiful Mind

 Editor’s Note: God has blessed me with a tremendous gift of a vivid imagination that has been very valuable in my life.  At times, the gift has become a curse when it’s taken me down very dark and painful paths, different, but similar, to what Russell Crowe portrayed in the movie "A Beautiful Mind".  The key is to learn how to best navigate when on those paths.

Last week was a long one, I had to go to Georgia for a week of meetings, I flew out early Monday morning, had meetings every day, dinners at night, long days, great deal of work, and Friday came, and Friday belonged to me.  I was flying back, I was going home, but I was going to go see Hailey for a therapy session before returning home.  I had a whole list of stuff to discuss with her, it would be a very valuable visit, and I love in-person visits much more than remote.

The morning started off well, I got up early, went down to the treadmill and got a run in, and then came up to my hotel room to call Laurel.  I called her, but she didn’t answer, so I texted her, to see if she was around, but she didn’t respond.  As some of you know, I can start worrying pretty quickly, but I thought, it’s first thing in the morning, she probably took the dogs out for a walk.

I called again, no answer.  Well, she might be in the shower by now.  I called again, no answer.  It’s been about 20 minutes, it’s still possible, dogs, shower, making the bed, something.  I’ve been down this road many times before, I know I can go into panic mode pretty quickly, so I kept coming up with reasons why she wasn’t answering.  It was between 6 and 7 am, so she has to be home, usually I would check “Find My Phone” to see if she was there, but somehow that didn’t cross my mind.

I called again, no answer.  I called again, no answer.  This eventually kept going on, more rapidly.  I sent her a text and told her I was calling 911.  Now, some of you have read before, I would typically engage the kids, and get them to call and text her, but as noted, it was between 6-7 in the morning, so I didn’t.  I texted a friend, Aparna.  Aparna lives about 10 minutes from us, so I thought if she didn’t answer Aparna, I could beg her to go over and check on Laurel.  No answer from Aparna.  Was there something wrong with my phone?

I called some more.  I thought of texting my cousin Marlene because her daughter Leah lives about five minutes from us, I could get Leah or her husband Jordan to go over and check on Laurel.  But I chose not to weave another person or people into my web of irrationality.

As time moved to 50 minutes or an hour, I came to the conclusion that Laurel was dead.  Maybe, maybe she was unconscious, and there was still hope, but most likely, she was dead.  I quit calling, and started planning the next steps as I would have to figure out the rest of my life without her.  There was no rational reason that I could come up with for her not answering her phone.

Just then, my phone was ringing, and I saw it was Laurel.  I quickly answered to her yelling, “What is wrong with you!  I looked and you called 11 times!  Why do you do this?”

I was crying hysterically by then, and blubbering, “I don’t know.  I thought you were dead.  I’m sorry.”

“Did you text the kids?”

“No, I texted Aparna.”

“Ahhh!  You have to do something!  You can’t keep doing this!  Are you having hallucinations?  You need to talk to Hailey about this today!”

“No, I’m not having hallucinations, I was just so worried, I thought you were dead, it was so real, and I didn’t know what I’d do with the rest of my life without you, I couldn’t bear it.”

“Well I’m not dead, but I could die tomorrow, but you need to live your life today and enjoy it and not worry about me possibly dying tomorrow!”

I finally calmed down, and we hung up.  At this point, I was completely exhausted, I was an emotional wreck, and I knew more than ever, I can’t keep doing this, this isn’t living.

I went to see Hailey, and before Hailey could even get through pleasantries, I immediately started, “You have to help me, I can’t keep doing this, this is exhausting, I can’t keep doing this to Laurel, I drive her crazy, and I really can’t keep doing this to myself, I can’t live my life like this.”

We started on techniques to deal with my anxiety when I can’t reach Laurel.  I need to come up with reasons why she isn’t answering.  I tried that, but it went beyond my sphere of rational reasons.  I need to work on my breathing, and do some calming and cleansing breaths.  I should have thought of that, I know better.  I could identify the five senses and what I’m feeling from each of my senses.  I’ve done that before, and I like that one, it distracts me.  We discussed technology, and there are options, but with technology, there are also pitfalls.  We discussed many options that we could try to help me gain peace if Laurel is not answering her phone.

I shared with Hailey how real it was, how I created a whole new life, post-Laurel, and what that looked like.  I had already started mapping it all out.  She said, OK, let’s go there, what does it look like, step by step?

• I figured someone would go to the house, maybe Aparna, maybe our neighbor Anne, maybe the police, and they would find Laurel dead.
• I probably couldn’t get an earlier flight home, so I would come to see you anyway to help me figure out how to deal with losing Laurel.
• I would go the airport and fly home.
• I would have to deal with the administrative part of identifying the body, or doing whatever is needed if you lose a loved one.
• I would need to call all of the kids.  I would probably reach out to their spouses first, so they could be with them when I told each of my children, because I would want someone to be there to comfort them.
• I would have to start planning the funeral.  Should it be in Ohio?  Should it be in Georgia?  Should we do one in both places?  Who should officiate?  Maybe Catherine Foster?  Maybe Sandy McConnel?
• I don’t want to plan a funeral, I just want to curl up in a ball and be by myself.  And cry a lot.
• I’d probably quit my job, because I really wouldn’t want to be around people.
• I’d hopefully continue to walk and run, because I’d like to make sure that I didn’t deteriorate completely.
• I don’t know if I’d do yoga anymore because it was something Laurel and I always did together, and I wouldn’t want people to pity me.  Hailey assured me that people would, maybe not pity me, but they would feel empathy toward me and that would be normal.
• I’d worry about being a recluse because as time has gone on, I really don’t feel like I’m a complete person without Laurel.  I shared with Hailey something from the book I’m reading now, “The Light We Give”, which said, “the two bodies remain distinct, and yet they have become so much a part of each other that it’s not possible to simply pull one apart from the other.”
• I’d worry about becoming an alcoholic.  Hailey quickly replied, “Really, you think that’s possible?”  As I thought about it, I worry about it since it’s in my family history, but then again, because of that, I don’t worry about it, I’m careful to avoid that.
• I’d always have to have two dogs.  Hailey again asked, “Why two dogs?”  I’d need to have something to take care of or I might commit suicide, and I need two, just in case one dies.  I know, it doesn’t make sense, but to me, it does.
• I told her that I just don’t know if I could go on.  Every time we go into Savasana in yoga, when
  
  we roll to one side, I always look at Laurel and think how beautiful she is.  When we drive down the road, I look over at her and think how beautiful she is.  I just couldn’t imagine my life without her.  Hailey said, “This would be the hardest thing you’d ever go through in your life, but you’d survive.  You would be OK, not right away, but eventually, you’d be OK”.
• I told her that we would be spending a LOT more time together….

As noted, 50 minutes, maybe an hour, this is the new reality I created.  I imagined a new world, a new life, my path forward without Laurel, and how miserable it would be.  A beautiful mind, but in this case, that beautiful mind created a living hell for me to endure.  And unfortunately for me, I can make it seem so real.  It was real.

But, and there is a very important but in all of this, I tried to come up with the “pony in the box” or the good that came of all of this.  In no particular order:

•  As much as I knew, this can’t go on, I really found, this can’t go on.  I just can’t keep doing this to everyone, but particularly me, I can’t stress myself, exhaust myself, terrorize myself like this anymore.  I know I need to live my life, and I have to figure out how to do it without doing this.
• I really realized what’s most important.  A few weeks ago, Hailey and I were talking, and I brought up something that was bothering me at work.  She asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, 10 being a loved one dies, where does this fall?”  Well, maybe a 2.  I had a long week of really important meetings this week, but I quickly saw that as important as they were, they were still a 2-3 compared to what my mind created on Friday.  None of it matters if I don’t have the most important person in my life.
• I was really subdued, grateful, peaceful the rest of the day.  I was much kinder to all the travelers I met along the way, I offered a young guy like me some help when he was struggling with his bags in the airport.  I had gotten a reprieve from the reality I had created.
• I came up with new or better techniques to deal with these situations going forward, including Laurel agreeing to allow me to install a camera in the house, so I can see her if she’s not answering the phone.  The reality is she wants it for pet sitters, but I’ll take success any way I can get it.     

When I see her face, there’s not a thing that I would change, cause you’re amazing, just the way you are

I got home on Friday, I hugged Laurel so hard, and I cried and cried.  It was still so real.  The next morning, we were driving to yoga, and the song, “Just the Way You Are” came on, and I burst into tears.  We were watching a show about a man who lost his wife, and I started crying.  I’ve spent the entire weekend, tearing up periodically, getting emotional,  because it was just too real, I had created a new reality that was just too painful to experience.

And why am I sharing this?  Beats the living shit out of me.  You all are probably thinking I’m crazy, and you’re probably right.  While I can assure you that I wasn’t hallucinating as Laurel asked me and Russell Crowe portrayed so beautifully in “A Beautiful Mind”, it was real, just way too real. 

A new week, a new journey for work.  I hope and pray that it is much less eventful than last week.  I’ll do my best not to text anyone (this means you Aparna) ….

The Gift of Dance

As I related recently when I wrote about my experience at Yoga Teacher Training, I fell in love with Dancer pose, and even told everyone before cueing it, “everyone loves to dance!”  As noted, that’s really not true, some of us, like me, can’t dance to save our lives, but for some reason, I just love Dancer.  My classmates even gave me the name “Lord of the Dance”, not because I’m so good at it, but because I wanted to do it all the time.  There are several balancing poses, Warrior 3, Eagle, Tree, Balancing Half Moon, but I’ve fallen in love with Dancer.  It took me until now to learn why.

Last weekend, I had one of the greatest weekends of my life.  OK, I exaggerate, it can’t compare to my children getting married, or when Laurel and I got married, but it was one of the most enjoyable weekends of my life.  Laurel had a yoga training session at our old yoga studio in Georgia, and I tagged along for the ride.  I busily made plans and I set myself up with a full schedule of events.  In order, starting with Friday afternoon:

• Therapy session with Hailey – I don’t believe anyone could ever reach me the way Hailey does, she is simply amazing.  She knows more about me than anyone, except maybe Laurel, I trust her that much.
• Yoga with Stephanie – Laurel and  I did a lot of yoga with Stephanie before we moved, and we also went on a yoga retreat with Stephanie to France, so it was nice to see her again.  Added bonus, I got to see Stephanie’s dog, Tilly!
• Massage with Tami – She may have the most magical hands I’ve ever felt in a massage, I told her that she has ruined massages for me.
• Birthday dinner with Kelly and Clayton – Kelly and I share a birthday month, we are only two days apart, and we used to always have birthday dinners before we moved.  It was so nice to reinstate this tradition.
• Yoga with Ashley – I spent a year in a book club with Ashley, all virtual.  It wasn’t until recently that I was able to meet her in person, and I was so looking forward to taking a yoga class that she was leading.
• Coffee with The Chocolate Poet Society – It was “only” five of us, we couldn’t get everyone together, but it was so nice to see everyone again after two months or so apart.  I miss them all so much.

The start was incredible.  Hailey and I have been together for three years, off and on, and I’ve had many powerful sessions with her.  This may have been the most powerful, the most impactful, but also at least one of the most painful.  As we ventured down the path of “what is wrong with me, why am I the way I am?”, I came to a really odd epiphany, and one that I struggle to put into proper words. 

We were discussing my inability to feel worthy, worthy of love, worthy of forgiveness, worthy of grace, worthy of Laurel, worthy of anything.  Hailey tried to explain to me, convince me, that worthiness is there, it’s inside of us, we don’t have to do anything to earn it or deserve it, it’s already there.  I know that, I don’t believe in “works” or doing things to earn it, I just believe that we should do nice things for people just because that’s what you do.  There really shouldn’t be any motivation for us to be nice to each other.

But then something really hit me, and it hit hard.  I thought back to something that Jeny said the one day after a yoga class, she perceived that Laurel and I had done something nice for her, and she said, “I know what you guys did, and I really appreciate you.”  It felt really nice when Jeny said that, it always feels good when someone expresses gratitude, especially those we really like and respect.  As I sat there in front of Hailey, the stark realization hit me yet again.  As good as that felt, it didn’t make me feel worthy.  Nothing I do will make me feel worthy, it never has, and most likely, never will.  I inherently knew worthiness wouldn’t come from anything I did, but the painfulness of not being able to figure out how to get there was overwhelming. 

It gave me a lot to think about, and I wish I could say Saturday was just purely bliss and joy, for the most part it was, but I had that gnawing inside of me about worthiness, or lack thereof. 

As noted, Sunday morning opened with a yoga class with Ashley.  She started off her class talking about “peak poses”.  Those are the types of poses that you build up to in a yoga class, working your way to a difficult pose, and sometimes you get there, and sometimes you don’t.  Ashley talked about how we work our way up to reach these peak poses, and when we get there, we feel so good, we feel like we accomplished something, but that only lasts briefly, we then want to move on to the next peak pose.

She said we oftentimes believe that reaching these peak poses makes us worthy.  But she went on to say, that we are already worthy.  There isn’t anything we need to do to be worthy, it’s within all of us.  We were in Child’s Pose as Ashley went through this, and after she was done, there was a puddle of tears on my mat, I was astounded at the irony of the situation.  While some can or may attribute this all to luck or karma or serendipity or whatever, I tend to believe these are God moments.  I needed that message that morning, and I was very thankful to receive it.

Sunday afternoon was magical of course, I was able to see Phyllis, Meenu, Luciana and Staci, and we reminisced, and we talked about how difficult it was to go from the high of our Yoga Teacher Training back to the real world of work, of stress, of anxiety, of our normal lives.  We had been isolated, we had spent nine days in a house in the beautiful Georgia mountains, we had grown together, and then got ripped apart, in a manner of speaking.

I didn’t have time to digest, I flew home Sunday night, and then I was back on a plane the next morning to Colorado, time to get back to work after such a beautiful weekend.  It wasn’t easy to come off that high either, but getting back into the spirit of travel tends to ground you. 

“For a Moment, When I’m Dancing, I’m Free!”

Later that week I got an e-mail notification from one of my favorite pastors and authors, Nadia Bolz-Weber, she has a website called “The Corners”, that is described as “Grace for fuck-ups.  Prayer for the impious.  A space for spiritual misfits”.  She has this segment titled, “Stuff I’m Into Right Now”.  This is a menagerie of book recommendations, movies, recipes, podcasts, and in this case, an incredible music video I just can’t stop playing, watching, listening to and crying about.

The music video is Florence and the Machine’s song “Free”, and it stars Florence Welch, and one of my favorite actors, Bill Nighy, who plays her anxiety (I highly recommend watching it).  I didn’t notice it immediately, but the second time through I heard the line, and it hit me, “For a moment, when I’m dancing, I’m free!”  And the mystery for me was solved, it finally hit me, when I’m in Dancer, it’s the one time I can silence all of those voices in my head that keep telling me I’m not worthy and all of the many reasons that I’m not worthy.  For those few moments, I’m free.

“To Open Up My Arms and Give It All to You”

There was one more message, or actually many, but the line above gave me a partial answer, and Bob Goff gave me the rest of the answer this morning.

This morning I was reading Bob Goff’s “Love Does”.  Lani recommended this book to Jeny, Jeny recommended it to me, and I’ve recommended it to several other people.  The premise of “Love Does” is that we can “discover a secretly incredible life in an ordinary world”.  It doesn’t take much, we can all do our small part, and eventually, it makes a big difference.  And I think that’s what I’m discovering or discovered over last weekend and into this past week.  Florence Welch and Bob Goff were able to put my epiphany into the words I couldn’t come up with.

As I sit here writing, I’m watching Laurel.  She has four yoga books or manuals in front of her on the kitchen bar, a folder of many notes, many sheets of paper half-written, a computer she periodically types into, blocks, and she goes from writing to typing, to on the floor doing yoga poses, using her blocks, figuring out how to sequence a class for her 55 and over community, back to her notes, back to her computer, writing, typing, hand motions, and an endless stream of activity.  She puts countless hours into figuring out how to best serve this group, and she does it well.  And they appreciate her for it.  Yes, love does. 

“This is 911, Are You Having an Emergency?”

Early Wednesday morning, I was out for a run in Boulder, it was dark, very quiet since it was so early, and I was listening to my music, I always listen to contemporary Christian music, I think I was listening to “Jesus Mystery” at the time, but I was deep in my thoughts, and of course, the voices were telling me, well, what they always tell me.  Suddenly, I heard my phone ringing, and I looked down, and it was 911.  I panicked and quickly hung up, I had inadvertently called 911, but of course, they were persistent, and called back.

“This is 911.  Are you having an emergency?”

“Why yes, yes I am.  Can you please do something about these voices in my head?  Can you tell them to leave me alone and give me peace?” 

Epilogue: If you view yourself as a spiritual misfit, message me, I'll gladly buy you a subscription to "The Corners".  You will love it.

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

 AKA – The Steve McCullough Needs To Get His Shit Together Project

Editor’s Note: The title of this blog post comes from a Jimmy Buffett song, I had never heard it in my life.  He wrote it for the survivors of Hurricane Katrina.

For the past 1.5-2 years, I’ve developed my morning routine around reading spiritual and self study books, walking with Laurel and a short exercise routine.  I started slowly with the exercise routine, and eventually worked up to doing 50 push-ups, my exercise wheel and 8-9 minutes of plank and boat poses to various inspirational music, such as Hillsong United or Krishna Das.  

In July, I decided that I needed to ramp this up a bit, and I decided to increase it by five push-ups each month to try to get to 80 by the end of the year, or maybe I could get up to 100?  I went up to 55, and that was no problem, so let’s take it to 60!  I found within a few days, instead of enjoying my morning routine, I was starting to dread it.  I could do the 60 push-ups, but it just wasn’t as much fun anymore.  

Several years ago, I would run 5-6 days a week, I’d do 2-3 miles each day in the morning, it would get my day started off right, I’d think, I’d get centered, it was a great way to start the day.  Then I decided I wanted to run a half marathon, and I worked my way up to that, and then I ran more half marathons.  I was running 6-10 miles in the morning before work, training for the half marathons, and after a while, I found that I really wasn’t enjoying my runs anymore.  It had become too much work instead of fun.

Yes, there is a pattern here….

Back in June, I completed my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training, and as I’ve highlighted in previous blog posts, it was one of the most incredible journeys I’ve ever been on.  I developed tremendously, and I was able to share this journey with some wonderful people.  It was a time in my life that I will cherish forever.  In the midst of it, I was reading a book, “Einstein and the Rabbi”, and I don’t know if any of you have experienced something like this before, but I would swear that the author, Rabbi Naomi Levy, wrote this book specifically for me.  It was eerie, there were certain passages that spoke directly to me, and I learned so much and grew from that reading.  The combination of the two experiences had me on an incredible high at that point.

As I headed into July, not surprisingly, I crashed down off of that high, it would have been impossible to sustain it.  I talked to some of my fellow trainees from the Chocolate Poet Society, and I found they were experiencing similar feelings, so in a weird sort of way, I felt a little bit better.  But, I just wasn’t recovering.  As the days and weeks passed, I wasn’t improving, I was still really unhappy, grumpy, irritable, any word that you can think of for a nasty person, it was me.

What was even worse was I was reverting back to an old pattern at work also.  I’ve shared in past blog posts that I used to believe that I had to live work, be work, everything depended on my super human abilities to outwork anyone.  I was falling back into that old mindset.  I was clinging onto everything, I was not trusting anyone could do it as well as me, I was controlling everything.  Worse for me, I wasn’t being present.  I learned long ago, that it’s critical to be present with your colleagues, if you are in a conversation with them, they need to be your only focus at the moment.  No e-mails, phone calls, texts, anything should distract you.  They need to be your only focus.  I wasn’t allowing outside distractions disrupt those moments, but I was allowing the bazillion thoughts running through my head to divert me, and I wasn’t truly present.

Now, in a minor bit of defense, there was a reason for this, and it relates back to “Einstein and the Rabbi”, but I’ll have to defer that discussion for now, otherwise you all will think I’m really crazy (I know, that ship has probably already sailed).

I got to the point as we rounded out of July and headed to August that I determined if I couldn’t get my shit together, I would have to seriously consider quitting my job.  Now, that would most likely be a knee jerk reaction, and I wouldn’t really do it, but life isn’t meant to be this miserable, and I was making it that way.  I couldn’t seem to bounce back, and I couldn’t seem to get out of my way.

And then, Sunday, July 31, a barrage of messages came crashing in from multiple sources.  It started innocently enough, I had seen a sign at a local shop with a Mr. Rogers quote on it on Saturday, and so I googled Mr. Rogers quotes first thing that morning, and I saw this one:

"We get so wrapped up in numbers in our society. The most important thing is that we are able to be one-to-one, you and I with each other at the moment. If we can be present to the moment with the person that we happen to be with, that's what's important."

OK, message received.  I have been too focused on numbers lately, OK, all my life, and I’ve lost sight of the more important things.  I needed to hear that.

In my morning reading from “The Untethered Soul”, I read this line from Michael Singer:

“Learn to stop resisting reality, and what used to look like stressful problems will begin to look like the stepping-stones of your spiritual journey.”

Maybe easier said than done, but he brought up so many examples of what gets us all worked up into a frenzy, and I thought of all the “major” problems I’ve been having at work, and you start to see, there were major problems six months ago.  There were major problems six years ago.  Do you really remember them?  Maybe, but did they somehow get solved at least in some manner?  Most likely yes.  There will always be issues, problems, challenges, we just have to work our way through, do the best we can, and accept that’s all we can do.

And then we went to yoga, and Michelle’s theme was about being in the present.  I probably won’t get part of the words exact, but it was something like:

“The past doesn’t matter, the future doesn’t matter, all that matters is right here, right now”

She said that a few times during class, and each time, she paused and really emphasized the “right here, right now”.  While I know she was talking to everyone, I felt like she was talking directly to me.  OK, OK, I get it, get back to the present.

Finally, I decided to watch a sermon from Nadia Bolz-Weber from July 3 that I had saved in my Inbox, but hadn’t found the time to watch.  I started watching it, and she started off talking about how she used to do Crossfit, but had given it up a few years back and started doing yoga, and she talked about the breath.  She talked about many Biblical references where the breath is so important, and life-giving, and she suggested on a certain level, our breath is God:

“Maybe God gave us the breath of life so that we might experience this life with God.  When Moses asked God’s name he wasn’t given a name name, he was given Yahweh, which some say is not a name, but a sound – the sound of breath itself…Inhale 'Yah', Exhale 'Weh'.”

I’ve started to use this when I need to focus, to center myself, I inhale 'Yah', I exhale 'Weh'.  It’s amazing how simple it is to center yourself, focus and relax when you just breathe.

So I set August 1, 2022 as the beginning of The Steve McCullough Needs To Get His Shit Together Project.  I planned to relax, be present, let my people do their jobs, not stress out over the little stuff (and of course, it’s all little stuff), and most importantly, breathe.

Have I been perfect ever since?  Oh my God, no.  I think it was Thursday or so, there was an issue with inventory, and Marci came to me and said, “Can you please just let me handle this?  I got this, I’ll make sure I keep you informed, but I have this taken care of.”  Yep, she was right, I told her I’ll stay out of it.  I’m a work in progress.

Going back to the title of the blog post and the impetus, I can’t fathom living through a hurricane, and for many, it was a huge bonus to be able to breathe in, breathe out and move on. Whether we hit our sales numbers this year, whether we move into our new building timely, whether I get the Ratier contract, I think I’ll survive, and of course, I’m much better off than someone who has had to live through a hurricane.  

One last thing from Nadia Bolz-Weber, I wish I could share her entire sermon, but then it would be her blog post, but she said so many incredible things, and this part really resonated with me:

If it’s true that the only life that exists in a universe billions of light years across is on this tiny dust mite of a planet -  then yes, there is still much to fear, but let us not hold our breath and miss how unspeakably beautiful and magnificent it is that against all the odds in the universe, we get to breathe air and think thoughts and love people, and walk in parks, and hold babies, and eat pizza and be bad at yoga.

You know, I’m not always the quickest study, it takes a while for me to understand a lesson or a message.  Maybe that’s why I received four of them that Sunday.  Someone decided that I probably will just brush it off, look past it, decide it’s just a bit of irony if I only receive one message about getting my shit together.  Two?  Ah, coincidence.  Three?  Hmm, that’s kind of interesting.  Four?  OK, OK, I get it!  

Breathe in, breathe out, move on.  Be present.  Love people.  Be bad at yoga.  And get my shit together.

By the way, I have gone back to doing 50 push-ups in the morning.

That's What Friends Are For

 

The Chocolate Poet Society

 

Editor’s Note: As noted in my last blog post, I just completed my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training course.  I had two posts, the first was about gratitude, this is a tribute to a beautiful group of people, who gave me the gift of belonging.  I will be forever grateful to them.  I just hope my words do them justice.

It was inevitable, it’s really surprising it took as long as it did.  We had a three-story house in the woods in the north Georgia mountains, and due to the fact I was the only male, I had a private room with a private bath.  I think about the second day, a few of my fellow classmates wanted to see what my room looked like.  They came crashing in, marveling at the room, and of course, eyeing up the beautiful bathroom with the freestanding bathtub.  And then Staci noticed that I had my shades pulled down on the one set of windows in the bedroom, and she shrieked, “Why do you have these shades down!  You’re missing a beautiful view!”  And she proceeded to raise the shades and expose me to the outside world.

Way back in the fall, when Laurel and I took a trip to France with Sheila Ewers on a Yoga Retreat, I mentioned to Sheila that I wanted to take the 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training course.  She was thrilled, and much to my dismay, in January or so of this year, she reached out to me to take me up on it.  Oh my God, what have I gotten myself into?  As is very typical for me, I immediately went into flight mode, my standard answer to any challenge, the unicorn in me came out.  I started thinking of the many reasons why I couldn’t, or shouldn’t, do this. 

The requirements were intense.  Over roughly two months, I would have to travel to Georgia four times for weekend training events, and one time for a nine-day event at a house in the north Georgia mountains, along with nine Wednesday night virtual calls for two hours at a time.  If I were any good at math, I’d realize, 200 hours is a lot of time.

The first weekend together, we gathered, eight students, and two teachers, and as noted, I was the only male.  Over the course of the weekend, there were times when some of my classmates would talk about various women-related issues, and then they would turn to me and say, “sorry Steve”.  At the end of the weekend, I said to Sheila, “I don’t want them to hold anything back, they can say anything they want in front of me, I need to feel like I belong.”  And Sheila responded, “I really don’t think that will be a problem with this group.”  And she was right.

The next weekend was incredible.  I was struggling mightily with the Sanskrit and eventually the anatomy, but I kept feeling so comfortable with my group.  They were such a menagerie of personalities, and I just loved something about each of them.  Truth be known, I couldn’t wait for that third weekend, I just loved being around them.  They were so open and honest, and so willing to let me in.

As the time came for the nine days together, I started getting apprehensive yet again.  The feeling that I just don’t belong, that I wasn’t worthy to do this, that I’m just not good enough kept coming up, and I was trying to figure out why or how I could back out.  And then a funny thing happened….

The one night a few days before I was to leave, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I had a sharp pain in my right calf, probably a cramp, but it didn’t feel like a cramp.  I had an instant where I thought it was a blood clot again, I had one a few years ago in that same calf.  I panicked, and thought, no!  I won’t be able to finish the training if I have a blood clot.  And I knew then how badly I wanted this.

When I arrived at the house, I had my usual apprehension.  I don’t belong, I shouldn’t be here, I’m not worthy… But, I have grown in my abilities to know when to use the tools in my toolbox.  I phoned a friend.  Actually two.  I sent an e-mail to Hailey, and I told her I don’t feel like I belong, I want to leave, and I just wanted to cry.  She said, that’s OK, if you want to cry, then you should cry.  I talked to Laurel, and of course, she knows me better than anyone, and she reassured me, these are just normal feelings. 

As the days wore on, I became more comfortable  I have become so much better at knowing myself, knowing what I need and who I am.  But it was so much more than that.  Everyone gave me my space and allowed me to be me.  There was a day when I was really down, and instead of living one of Laurel’s yoga cards that says “Perfectly Imperfect”, I was telling myself that I’m “Perfectly Incompetent”.  The good news is that I know that this can be me sometimes, and I will get past it, but
also, everyone let me have my space and didn’t try to fix me, they were just there for me. 

I still find it hard to believe that we spent so much time together, living with each other for nine days, starting at 7 in the morning until 9 or 10 at night, and we got along so well.  It was one of the most magical experiences I’ve ever had in my life, I missed Laurel deeply, but I was so sad to have to say goodbye and leave when our time was done.  It sounds so trite to say, we laughed, we cried, we shared our emotions, but we did, and there were so many moments that were so meaningful and touching, I won’t ever be able to forget them.

There are so many moments I could share, but of course, those are our private moments, but I’ll share just one, because I don’t think it would violate anyone’s trust, and frankly, I thought it was incredibly funny.  It was the one breakfast, toward the end of our stay.  We had a requirement to remain silent each morning until after breakfast.  As we were having breakfast in silence, I took a bite of food, and immediately shuddered at the taste.  Something wasn’t right.  Staci and Carley immediately started laughing at the face I made.  Not deterred, I thought, maybe it was one bad spot.  So I took another bite.  Another shudder.  Staci burst out laughing, and said, “Why did you take another bite!”  She and Carley were laughing and crying, and then I looked up, and Phyllis had tears rolling down her face.  When I finally got myself under control, and had stopped laughing, I looked at the end of the table, and Meenu had tears rolling down her face too.  Yes, we laughed, and we laughed so hard, we cried.  And I had to fall on my sword and confess to Sheila that the silence had been broken, and it was all because of me.

Going back to the beginning, after Staci unceremoniously raised my shades, I gradually opened my

windows.  It probably took a day or two, but I remember the one night as I was lying in bed, I kept thinking, what is that noise?  It finally dawned on me, it was the waterfall behind the house.  I had these beautiful woods outside my windows, I had this majestic waterfall, and I still didn’t realize it for a couple days, that’s how closed off I’ve been to the world around me.  It was such a gift that Staci gave me that day.

We still had one weekend left, we had our final test, which I was scared shitless for, I still couldn’t seem to grasp the Sanskrit or the anatomy.  Thankfully, Staci and Jacey put together flash cards online, which I studied probably at least 50 times.  If it weren’t for those,  I wouldn’t have passed the test.  More importantly, we had our final time together, and the tears flowed.  And flowed.  And flowed some more.  We also had a great deal of laughter and fun, but it was a difficult moment to have to say goodbye.

At our last group setting, we each had to say what we planned to do, to live by going forward.  Back at our mountain house, we had a ceremony where we said goodbye to our “Loyal Soldier”.  That is who we use to protect us from the outside world.  In my case, I said goodbye to “Stone Cold Steve McCullough”.  Throughout my life, I withdraw my emotions, so that no one can see what I’m feeling, what hurts.  I don’t want anyone to see inside, to see the real me.  The funny thing was when I called Laurel to ask her what she thought my Loyal Soldier was, she said it immediately, so I guess I’m more transparent than I thought I was.  At least to her.  I told the group, I’m going to start following what Mother Teresa said, I’m going to be honest and transparent, even if it does make me vulnerable.

“I am searching for something I have not lost” from “Einstein and the Rabbi”

So, why did I want to do this training so badly?  Truth be known, I desperately wanted to do this to find forgiveness.  I’ve been searching for 30 years for forgiveness, and I thought I could find it here.  I had looked everywhere else, maybe this was where I would find it.  On our last Sunday together, the day of our graduation, I read the line above.  I also got horribly lost on my morning run, which seems so poetic for this journey.

If you read my last blog, I said that I started yoga to find my breath, but I found so much more.  Similarly, I set out on this journey to find forgiveness, but I received so many wonderful gifts, and I realized, I never lost forgiveness, it’s been there all this time, I just need to figure out how to embrace it. 

There were so many other gifts that I received throughout this experience.  The greatest gift?  Belonging.  It’s been years since I’ve felt that I belong anywhere.  This wonderful group of people gave me the gift of belonging.  After some initial trepidation, I felt so comfortable anytime we were together, it meant so much to me.  I can’t thank them enough.

Last comment and I’m done, and again, from “Einstein and the Rabbi”.  A few days after the reading above, I read this, which seemed like a special message jut for me, based on the age cited.  It said:

“Rabbi, I realize I have a gift, and all I need to do is just be me.  God gives you gifts.  Use them.  Don’t be ashamed.  I’m 61 years old.  It’s OK if others don’t like my work.  My work’s OK.  I’m OK.”

Belonging.  And allowing me to just be me. 

Many thanks to The Chocolate Poet Society.

Expressing Gratitude - For My Mat

 Editor’s Note: I just completed my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training course.  I have two posts, and essentially they are out of order, but for a reason.  I believe expressing gratitude should be a high priority, so I wanted to post it first.  And the second will be the story and a tribute to “The Chocolate Poet Society”, an amazing group of people who made me feel like I belong.  I want to ensure I devote enough time and effort to write about what they mean to me.

They came by it honestly

This weekend our daughter Megan and her husband Thomas are celebrating their 11^th wedding anniversary.  Our sons, Patrick and Sean, sang before the wedding, and even wrote an original song that they performed.  Shortly before the ceremony, I went to their hotel room, where they were practicing, to take them to the church.  When I got there, they told me, “We just wrote a new verse for the song”.  Since this was my first child getting married, I was a bit stressed, and I nearly lost my mind, and said, “You can’t add another verse!  You have to have this locked in!”  No matter, they added the new verse, and the song went well, and everything worked out beautifully. 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I was in the Georgia mountains at a heavenly house with a waterfall

right behind it, in the middle of the woods, and I was preparing my first yoga class, an hour-long class I had to teach for my fellow students, The Chocolate Poet Society, and about five minutes or so before teaching my class, I was tweaking it a bit.  I can add this sequence, I can talk about this, I can change my theme, I can add some music, I can…. And it hit me, Patrick and Sean came by it honestly, I was going to tweak this until the bitter end.

Going into this, I never imagined that I could ever put together an hour-long yoga class, I didn’t think I’d be able to sequence it, I wouldn’t be able to theme it, I’d lose track of what I was doing, I thought of all the reasons I couldn’t do this.  As the nine-day journey progressed, Sheila Ewers and Tami Roberts, our instructors, did a wonderful job of preparing us, building bit by bit, and parceling out enough each day to give us the confidence that we could do it.  Still, I was scared, and I didn’t know if I could do it.

But then, it all started flowing, and I knew why it was flowing, which gave me the idea of how to theme my class.  I realized that I could do this because of the great teachers I’ve had over the years, and I set my theme as a theme of gratitude for all of them.  And I told my story of my yoga journey, a relatively short one, but an important journey all the same.

I told my class why I started practicing yoga five years ago.  I had run in a Team Marathon at WIKA in Germany, and I really, really sucked.  I was very upset and angry, and when I got home, I told Laurel, I want to start going to yoga with you.  The reason was that when Laurel and I would run, she ran with such ease, and her breath was incredible.  She breathed so effortlessly while I sounded like a chain smoker running down the road.  I wanted what she had, I wanted to learn to breathe like that to become a better runner.

Laurel warned me that yoga wouldn’t be easy for me.  I said, “No shit, have you seen my hamstrings?  I know this won’t be easy”.  I remember going to my first yoga class, and Megan Kearney, the owner of Ebb & Flow, started off by talking about how some people approach yoga like a lion, ready to attack, while others are like a unicorn, ready to run out of the back of the room.  No doubt, I was a unicorn.  And there are still times, I’m a unicorn.  Anytime a teacher brings up hamstrings or quads, I’m ready to escape, but I stick it out and put the work in.

I told the class that every day when I step on the mat, I start by saying, “Thank you for bringing me here”.  That expression of gratitude is for Laurel for inviting me to join her at yoga, it’s for God, it’s for anyone who has played a part in this.  Every time I step on the mat, I express my gratitude. 

It’s a Great Day for Yoga!

And I then I say something I learned years ago from the late, great Badger Bob Johnson, a hockey coach.  Badger Bob was one of the most positive people who ever lived, and he would always say, “It’s a great day for hockey!”  So I start my practice by saying, “It’s a great day for yoga!”

And I asked the class, “Isn’t it a great day for yoga?  I think so.”  And I told them, “Yoga is the teacher, I’m simply the conduit or vessel.  I’ll do my best to allow you to have a great day on the mat.”

As I worked through my sequencing, again, while it wasn’t easy, I felt so comfortable because of the many classes I’ve had with so many great teachers.  Throughout the class,  I weaved in some of the names of teachers and what they brought to me.  I’ll keep this anonymous, except for one.  I couldn’t resist when the time was right to tell the class to come down to their “hiney” as a tribute to Valerie Had. 

Was my class flawless?  Oh my God, no! Early in the class I was going through a sequence of Low Crescent Lunge poses to Warrior I Poses to Warrior II poses.  As I was on the Warrior II series, I had a moment of panic as I realized I had skipped right over the Warrior I series.  As the momentary panic attack subsided, I was able to realize I could just go back and cover the Warrior I series, so it went off without any issues.

Everybody Loves to Dance!

Before we went into Dancer pose, I cued it up by saying the above, which I thought about afterward, really isn’t true.  Truth be known, I hate to dance.  I can’t dance, I have no rhythm, I can’t even clap along to a song.  But you know, upon further review, that’s one of the beauties of yoga.  We are together in a studio, we are a community, but we are also on an island on the mat.  For the most part, I don’t notice anyone else in the class, and I doubt they notice me.  We are together, but we are alone, and we can express ourselves however we’d like to.  So yoga is the one place I can dance, I can dance like no one is watching me.

The funny thing is, I used to hate balance poses, but now I love them.  It’s not that I can do them any better than I  used to, it all has to do with how I view them.  Being a Type A, I used to get so angry when I couldn’t hold a balance pose, now, I just take whatever the day brings, if I can balance, great, if not, there’s always tomorrow.  And I can dance.

Just Breathe

I told the class that it wasn’t until just recently that I realized, I had accomplished what I had set out to do in the beginning.  I learned to breathe.  I was out for a run the one morning, and I realized I had this beautiful, smooth breath.  The irony is I didn’t really care anymore.  I really don’t run that much these days, I mainly do yoga, so I accomplished what I set out to do, but I’ve achieved so much more.

As we wound down the class, I read the Jim Valvano quote above.  I told the class that every time I step on the mat, I laugh, I think, I cry.  I came to yoga to learn to breathe, but I’ve gotten so much more.  Yoga gives me a heck of a day, every day.

If you know me, you know that I’m probably my worst critic.  I can tell you 100 things that I’m not good at, and maybe 2-3 I am good at.  Unfortunately that’s the way I’m wired.  But I was pretty proud of myself.  And still, I knew how I got here and why I was able to do this.  I’m grateful for those who have given me this opportunity and given me the ability to do something I never thought I could do.

My roots were at Ebb & Flow where I learned so much about anatomy, and I also learned what yoga really was.  I learned so much about the beauty of yoga at Blue Lotus Yoga in Duluth and John’s Creek, and was fortunate enough to learn under some incredible teachers.  My love for yoga expanded tremendously during those years and led me to take this course (As a side note, I traveled, I think, five times to Georgia from Ohio in the past two months because there is only one person I would ever want to train under, and that’s Sheila Ewers).  And this past year and a half at The Wonder Within has been amazing.  The teachers there are so precise in their cueing, I could hear them in my mind as I went through my class.  The cueing came so naturally for me, it was almost like second nature.  Lastly, while I know I’m biased, I really believe that Laurel is one of the best teachers I’ve ever seen at theming a class.  She themes her class with a different message each week, and she gives her students a card, similar to the one below, as a memento of the class.  I’ve seen her put in so many hours and effort to theme, and I think it really helped me come up with a theme for my class. 

Although I think she gets hers done sooner than five minutes before class….

Thank you for bringing me here