The Sound of Silence

Rise of the Phoenix - The Rebirth of a Failed Blog Post

A few years ago, I wrote a letter to Grove City College to express my disgust at their false piety.  It was a powerful and nasty letter.  Before I sent it, I let some of my Small Group read it, and I remember Jim Dyer's comments.  He said, "You know, sometimes you feel like punching people in the nose.  When you do, it really feels good for a minute or two.  But in the long run, you feel worse."  I took his advice, I amended the letter, and I sent a powerful, but not quite as nasty, version.  I jabbed them in the nose, I guess, instead of a punch.

Which brings me to my latest blog post.  It was probably my greatest writing ever.  I had been writing it in my head for weeks as I went on my morning runs, which is how I normally write, and it was good.  My post was about the election,a nd mainly about all of those people who elected our new President.  I punched a lot of people in the nose.  I punched those people who work in mental health, but still elected a person who makes fun of those with physical disabilities and calls people retards.  I punched those people who advocate for women's rights, but elected a person who has very little respect or regard for women.  But I saved my best blows for two seemingly disparate groups - white supremacists or racists and some evangelical Christians.  One hides under a sheet to spread hatred for African Americans while one hides behind the Bible to spread hatred for Muslims and homosexuals.

The funny thing was, I knew it was just wrong.  How did I know?  When I wrote it in my head, it flowed so beautifully.  When it came time to commit it to paper, or computer, I just couldn't do it.  Eventually, I did, and it was good, but it was so difficult and painful to write.  It was hateful, it was ugly.

I decided to get a few opinions before posting it.  I decided to poll the "Three Wise Men", Dave Carr, John Ey and Jim Dyer, three of my Small Group members.  I chose them because of the diversity of opinion I knew I would get, and the diversity of comments they would provide.  And they didn't disappoint.  In all cases, the opinion was universal, don't post this.  What was so wonderful was how they said it.

First I heard back from Dave Carr.  Dave is the most liberal of the group, so I thought I had my best chance of anyone of him saying "go for it".  Dave didn't actually say don't post it, but he gave me some things to think about on whether to post it or not.  He left it up to me, but his closing comments or argument was a four-way test:

1. Is it the truth
2. Is it fair to all concerned
3. Will it build goodwill and better friendships
4. Will it be beneficial to all concerned

Sadly, my blog post failed the four-way test, my only real passing grade was on number one, it was the truth.  I pretty much knew that if Dave, without rejecting it, rejected it, I didn't have much hope from John and Jim.

John was next, and in the inimitable John Ey fashion, he didn't say much about the post, but he attached an article by David Brooks for me to contemplate my post compared to a very reasoned view that Mr. Brooks had.  Of course, Mr. Brooks made some wonderful points without the hate and vitriol that I used.  Strike two.

Last was Jim Dyer, and he was effusive in his praise for my writing, but clearly stated, please do not post this.  Ever.  Strike three, batter out.

All I kept thinking was, but this is so good!  It's probably my best writing ever.  And there are so many people who really do need a good punch in the nose.  But sadly, I knew it was just wrong.  I knew I couldn't post something so mean, so nasty, so hateful.  Having said all of that, Dave did give me a glimmer, and I decided to latch on to that.  Dave said, maybe you can rework it and make it less hateful?  Maybe you can pull out the positives and focus on them?

While my main objective was punching people in the nose, there were a few areas where I at least made some good points without bashing the shit out of people.  So I will give you three things to think about as you continue to contemplate 2016 and the surreal election year we have had.

Personalize It - Many people like to characterize groups of people and put a label on them.  We had plenty of that during this election season.  Even though I am a life-long Republican, and have always voted Republican, I detest our President-elect, and couldn't vote for him.  While many would bash those who supported him as uneducated or racists, that is clearly not the case with many people.  There are a lot of very good people who supported him, and I would always try to envision those people when I would get angry about something that he would say or do.  In my case, I would think about my Mom, Mrs. Brennan, and Brent Shadix.  I love my Mom dearly, of course.  Mrs. Brennan is a neighbor, who is probably one of the nicest, sweetest women you could ever know.  And Brent Shadix is probably the best friend and mentor I've ever had in my 30+ years of working.  Whether you supported one candidate or the other, I'm sure there were people on the other side that you feel about the same way I feel about my Mom, Mrs. Brennan or Brent.  Try to visualize those you hold in the highest regard when you think about how someone could support a candidate that you dislike so much.  It makes it that much harder to throw a huge blanket over the group and label them in a negative way.

Withhold Judgement - I remember years ago, Patrick and Sean were each assigned a grade school teacher, and Patrick's teacher had a horrible reputation.  Countless parents told us we should switch teachers, get a new one for Patrick.  We decided to let the process work, and we kept Patrick with that teacher.  Much to our delight, she was a wonderful teacher, and Patrick loved her.

While I'm very skeptical of our President-elect, and I'm skeptical of some of his appointments, I'm willing to withhold judgement until we see what unfolds.  Over time, there have been many appointees, whether it was to Cabinet positions, the Supreme Court or any other high-ranking government positions that have raised questions or skepticism.  Some have turned out well, and some haven't.  I think we owe it to the system we have and those running the system to give them the benefit of the doubt for now and give them every opportunity to succeed.

Don't Sing Louder - I heard a sermon recently where our pastor told a story about Germany during World War II.  The story was told from the perspective of a Christian woman who described what it was like to be in Nazi Germany during the Holocaust.  She said that when they would be in church, and the trains would go by with the cars filled with Jews, being transported to their death, they would just sing louder to drown out all of the cries and screaming.

If we do see our President-elect and our government mistreating those less fortunate or those in the minority, I don't know about you, but I ain't singing louder.  We need to rise up and stand up for those who need our help and support.  We've given up our voice for so many years in this country, we've become lazy and complacent, we need to remember what made this country great.  

While this blog post isn't nearly as well-written, nearly as eloquent, it's also not nearly as mean and evil as its origin.  I have the Three Wise Men to thank for that.  It also gave me the inspiration to try something new on my blog - a slide show set to music.  Stay tuned.

When Life Gives You Perspective

Maybe it’s because December marks the holiday season, maybe it’s because Christmas is coming, but December gave me some perspective on life, even more than most years.  A few stories to share:

A Failed Anniversary Celebration - So in between trips, Houston one week, Mexico the next week,  Laurel and I had our 34^th wedding anniversary.  Since I was traveling so much this year, I had made grand plans.  I pretty much had a full agenda scheduled for Saturday and Sunday, Christmas shopping, an anniversary dinner, a lunch downtown.  It was the beginning of the Christmas events at church, we were picking up our tree at church, we were going to special services, it was going to be an incredible weekend.  But Laurel got sick, and our grand plans turned into picking up our tree and doing nothing with it and going to the early service at church to avoid as many people as possible, since Laurel wasn’t feeling well.   I cancelled our dinner reservations, and we just sat on the couch all weekend, watching Hallmark Christmas Movies and cuddling with the dogs under the blankets, as Laurel tried to do her best to start feeling better. 

As Monday rolled around, and I was heading out of town again, I was disappointed, I could even say depressed.  I had built up to the weekend so much, I had such great plans, such expectations, and we did absolutely nothing.  And then I thought about it, and it hit me.  We did absolutely nothing all weekend, but we did it together.  We spent an entire weekend together, watching silly, sappy movies, but we did it together.  No running around, no pressure to get things done, just enjoying each other’s company.  I realized how much I enjoyed that weekend together after getting past my disappointment of what might have been.

Seriously, Your Foot Hurts? – I’ve been teaching an accounting class at Georgia Gwinnett College for seven years, this will be my last year.  I’m really going to miss it, and the biggest reason why is that my students give me the best perspective on life sometimes, without even knowing it.

Recently I was getting ready to do a tutoring session on a Saturday, and the fire alarm was going off in the building, so we couldn’t go in.  I happened to be standing in the parking lot with one of my students, Myral Hicks, and we were just talking about nothing in particular.  I mentioned that I had gone for a run that morning, and my one foot has been bothering me lately.  Myral proceeded to say, “I really miss running, I used to do it a lot.  Then the one time, I was jumping out of a helicopter in the Army, and I broke both knees and hurt my back.  I can’t run anymore.”  Myral proceeded to tell me about the number of bones that he has broken in his body over the course of his Army career.  At one point, he made a comment about living a “hard life” when he was young.  I immediately thought of the hard life I led, drinking and carousing, but he proceeded to talk about sleeping on the ground in the desert and how the cold, hard ground had really affected his back. 

When I got home, I told Laurel the story, and I said, “I’m never going to complain about any ache or pain ever again.”

A Bad Break? - About a month ago, my Mom traveled from her home in North Carolina to Pittsburgh to see her sister, Aunt Mille.  On the first day there, she broke her hip.  She had surgery, and she just got released from the hospital a couple weeks ago.  She stayed at my Aunt Millie’s house until my brother Jim brought her home a couple weeks ago.  Obviously, breaking a hip is never good, especially when you are older.  Having said that, in some ways, this has been a blessing in disguise.  Her two living sisters and brother all live in that area.  She has had the chance to spend a great deal of time with them while she has been in the hospital.  She also got to celebrate her 88^th birthday with her twin brother, Uncle Bob, while she was there. 

The reality is that when you’re in your 80’s, time is short, and it’s not so easy to get together, you are dependent on other people and circumstances.  My Mom lives in North Carolina while they all live in Pennsylvania.  If it wouldn’t have been for the fall, she wouldn’t have had so much time with them all, and she wouldn’t have had the chance to celebrate her birthday with her twin brother.  I really don’t know the last time they were able to do that, and I’m sure it was really special for them.

Late Night Phone Calls - The one night, somewhere around midnight, we got a call from our son, Patrick, from up in Providence.  He was completely irrational, crying uncontrollably, talking gibberish, making no sense at all.  As each of us talked to him and tried to gain some understanding and tried to calm him down, Laurel finally asked the important question.  Are you still taking your medicine?  Apparently he had quit taking it a few days ago, and I guess, this was the outcome.  I’m not sure if you have been down the road of trying to talk rationally to a completely irrational person, but it’s not easy.  The common mantra was he’s a terrible person, he doesn’t deserve to live, and he just wants the pain to go away.

As I sat there, trying to wake up, get my senses, figure out how to rationalize with him, it hit me, as it has before, this is probably going to be our reality for as long as he lives.  He will go along, seeming to be fine, and then there will be something, that sets him over the edge, and we will be back in crisis mode again.  The key though is as long as he is alive.  I watched what it did to my parents when my brother committed suicide, and they were never the same again.  I will gladly take nights like that over the alternative.  We will continue to have to talk him off of the proverbial ledge probably over and over again.

We all have our own stories like this.  Life is full of tragedies and mini-tragedies interspersed between our day to day activities at work, dealing with our families, our children, all of the responsibilities we have.  It isn’t easy to see the bright side of the setbacks we face, but they are there usually, you just have to look for them.  Some, of course, are easier than others.  As we approach another holiday season, another Christmas, let’s try to remember, we’re all in this together.  It’s a journey, and we need to support each other on that journey.