A Beautiful Mind

 Editor’s Note: God has blessed me with a tremendous gift of a vivid imagination that has been very valuable in my life.  At times, the gift has become a curse when it’s taken me down very dark and painful paths, different, but similar, to what Russell Crowe portrayed in the movie "A Beautiful Mind".  The key is to learn how to best navigate when on those paths.

Last week was a long one, I had to go to Georgia for a week of meetings, I flew out early Monday morning, had meetings every day, dinners at night, long days, great deal of work, and Friday came, and Friday belonged to me.  I was flying back, I was going home, but I was going to go see Hailey for a therapy session before returning home.  I had a whole list of stuff to discuss with her, it would be a very valuable visit, and I love in-person visits much more than remote.

The morning started off well, I got up early, went down to the treadmill and got a run in, and then came up to my hotel room to call Laurel.  I called her, but she didn’t answer, so I texted her, to see if she was around, but she didn’t respond.  As some of you know, I can start worrying pretty quickly, but I thought, it’s first thing in the morning, she probably took the dogs out for a walk.

I called again, no answer.  Well, she might be in the shower by now.  I called again, no answer.  It’s been about 20 minutes, it’s still possible, dogs, shower, making the bed, something.  I’ve been down this road many times before, I know I can go into panic mode pretty quickly, so I kept coming up with reasons why she wasn’t answering.  It was between 6 and 7 am, so she has to be home, usually I would check “Find My Phone” to see if she was there, but somehow that didn’t cross my mind.

I called again, no answer.  I called again, no answer.  This eventually kept going on, more rapidly.  I sent her a text and told her I was calling 911.  Now, some of you have read before, I would typically engage the kids, and get them to call and text her, but as noted, it was between 6-7 in the morning, so I didn’t.  I texted a friend, Aparna.  Aparna lives about 10 minutes from us, so I thought if she didn’t answer Aparna, I could beg her to go over and check on Laurel.  No answer from Aparna.  Was there something wrong with my phone?

I called some more.  I thought of texting my cousin Marlene because her daughter Leah lives about five minutes from us, I could get Leah or her husband Jordan to go over and check on Laurel.  But I chose not to weave another person or people into my web of irrationality.

As time moved to 50 minutes or an hour, I came to the conclusion that Laurel was dead.  Maybe, maybe she was unconscious, and there was still hope, but most likely, she was dead.  I quit calling, and started planning the next steps as I would have to figure out the rest of my life without her.  There was no rational reason that I could come up with for her not answering her phone.

Just then, my phone was ringing, and I saw it was Laurel.  I quickly answered to her yelling, “What is wrong with you!  I looked and you called 11 times!  Why do you do this?”

I was crying hysterically by then, and blubbering, “I don’t know.  I thought you were dead.  I’m sorry.”

“Did you text the kids?”

“No, I texted Aparna.”

“Ahhh!  You have to do something!  You can’t keep doing this!  Are you having hallucinations?  You need to talk to Hailey about this today!”

“No, I’m not having hallucinations, I was just so worried, I thought you were dead, it was so real, and I didn’t know what I’d do with the rest of my life without you, I couldn’t bear it.”

“Well I’m not dead, but I could die tomorrow, but you need to live your life today and enjoy it and not worry about me possibly dying tomorrow!”

I finally calmed down, and we hung up.  At this point, I was completely exhausted, I was an emotional wreck, and I knew more than ever, I can’t keep doing this, this isn’t living.

I went to see Hailey, and before Hailey could even get through pleasantries, I immediately started, “You have to help me, I can’t keep doing this, this is exhausting, I can’t keep doing this to Laurel, I drive her crazy, and I really can’t keep doing this to myself, I can’t live my life like this.”

We started on techniques to deal with my anxiety when I can’t reach Laurel.  I need to come up with reasons why she isn’t answering.  I tried that, but it went beyond my sphere of rational reasons.  I need to work on my breathing, and do some calming and cleansing breaths.  I should have thought of that, I know better.  I could identify the five senses and what I’m feeling from each of my senses.  I’ve done that before, and I like that one, it distracts me.  We discussed technology, and there are options, but with technology, there are also pitfalls.  We discussed many options that we could try to help me gain peace if Laurel is not answering her phone.

I shared with Hailey how real it was, how I created a whole new life, post-Laurel, and what that looked like.  I had already started mapping it all out.  She said, OK, let’s go there, what does it look like, step by step?

• I figured someone would go to the house, maybe Aparna, maybe our neighbor Anne, maybe the police, and they would find Laurel dead.
• I probably couldn’t get an earlier flight home, so I would come to see you anyway to help me figure out how to deal with losing Laurel.
• I would go the airport and fly home.
• I would have to deal with the administrative part of identifying the body, or doing whatever is needed if you lose a loved one.
• I would need to call all of the kids.  I would probably reach out to their spouses first, so they could be with them when I told each of my children, because I would want someone to be there to comfort them.
• I would have to start planning the funeral.  Should it be in Ohio?  Should it be in Georgia?  Should we do one in both places?  Who should officiate?  Maybe Catherine Foster?  Maybe Sandy McConnel?
• I don’t want to plan a funeral, I just want to curl up in a ball and be by myself.  And cry a lot.
• I’d probably quit my job, because I really wouldn’t want to be around people.
• I’d hopefully continue to walk and run, because I’d like to make sure that I didn’t deteriorate completely.
• I don’t know if I’d do yoga anymore because it was something Laurel and I always did together, and I wouldn’t want people to pity me.  Hailey assured me that people would, maybe not pity me, but they would feel empathy toward me and that would be normal.
• I’d worry about being a recluse because as time has gone on, I really don’t feel like I’m a complete person without Laurel.  I shared with Hailey something from the book I’m reading now, “The Light We Give”, which said, “the two bodies remain distinct, and yet they have become so much a part of each other that it’s not possible to simply pull one apart from the other.”
• I’d worry about becoming an alcoholic.  Hailey quickly replied, “Really, you think that’s possible?”  As I thought about it, I worry about it since it’s in my family history, but then again, because of that, I don’t worry about it, I’m careful to avoid that.
• I’d always have to have two dogs.  Hailey again asked, “Why two dogs?”  I’d need to have something to take care of or I might commit suicide, and I need two, just in case one dies.  I know, it doesn’t make sense, but to me, it does.
• I told her that I just don’t know if I could go on.  Every time we go into Savasana in yoga, when
  
  we roll to one side, I always look at Laurel and think how beautiful she is.  When we drive down the road, I look over at her and think how beautiful she is.  I just couldn’t imagine my life without her.  Hailey said, “This would be the hardest thing you’d ever go through in your life, but you’d survive.  You would be OK, not right away, but eventually, you’d be OK”.
• I told her that we would be spending a LOT more time together….

As noted, 50 minutes, maybe an hour, this is the new reality I created.  I imagined a new world, a new life, my path forward without Laurel, and how miserable it would be.  A beautiful mind, but in this case, that beautiful mind created a living hell for me to endure.  And unfortunately for me, I can make it seem so real.  It was real.

But, and there is a very important but in all of this, I tried to come up with the “pony in the box” or the good that came of all of this.  In no particular order:

•  As much as I knew, this can’t go on, I really found, this can’t go on.  I just can’t keep doing this to everyone, but particularly me, I can’t stress myself, exhaust myself, terrorize myself like this anymore.  I know I need to live my life, and I have to figure out how to do it without doing this.
• I really realized what’s most important.  A few weeks ago, Hailey and I were talking, and I brought up something that was bothering me at work.  She asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, 10 being a loved one dies, where does this fall?”  Well, maybe a 2.  I had a long week of really important meetings this week, but I quickly saw that as important as they were, they were still a 2-3 compared to what my mind created on Friday.  None of it matters if I don’t have the most important person in my life.
• I was really subdued, grateful, peaceful the rest of the day.  I was much kinder to all the travelers I met along the way, I offered a young guy like me some help when he was struggling with his bags in the airport.  I had gotten a reprieve from the reality I had created.
• I came up with new or better techniques to deal with these situations going forward, including Laurel agreeing to allow me to install a camera in the house, so I can see her if she’s not answering the phone.  The reality is she wants it for pet sitters, but I’ll take success any way I can get it.     

When I see her face, there’s not a thing that I would change, cause you’re amazing, just the way you are

I got home on Friday, I hugged Laurel so hard, and I cried and cried.  It was still so real.  The next morning, we were driving to yoga, and the song, “Just the Way You Are” came on, and I burst into tears.  We were watching a show about a man who lost his wife, and I started crying.  I’ve spent the entire weekend, tearing up periodically, getting emotional,  because it was just too real, I had created a new reality that was just too painful to experience.

And why am I sharing this?  Beats the living shit out of me.  You all are probably thinking I’m crazy, and you’re probably right.  While I can assure you that I wasn’t hallucinating as Laurel asked me and Russell Crowe portrayed so beautifully in “A Beautiful Mind”, it was real, just way too real. 

A new week, a new journey for work.  I hope and pray that it is much less eventful than last week.  I’ll do my best not to text anyone (this means you Aparna) ….