“We’re sitting here with you,” said
Pooh, “because we are your friends. And
true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To
Be Around At All. True friends are there
for you anyway. And so here we are.”
Back in March, I wrote a blog
post titled “Sinking Deep”. As I noted,
I have written various blog posts about depression, but this was the first time
I truly looked in the mirror, and wrote about my experiences with
depression. As I noted, when “life happens”,
I can sink pretty deep, and unfortunately, life has really happened in the last
few months.
- My Mom’s twin brother, Uncle Bob died. Uncle Bob was 90, he led an incredible life, so it can be hard to mourn in a sense, but Uncle Bob was a huge influence on my journey of faith. It was hard to see him go, especially with how close my Mom is with her siblings.
- Barbara Battin ended her 36-year journey with cancer. Barbara was one of the most unique and amazing people I’ve ever met, and while I was happy to see her out of pain, it’s still hard to see someone go. I could say so many great things about Barbara and what she meant to this world, but what will always stick with me is she always, consistently asked me how Patrick was doing. She never failed.
- My nephew Michael succumbed to addiction and had an overdose. Michael always had a special place in my heart because of his relationship with my Dad. It was magical to see the two of them together.
- And there was more, but for personal reasons, I can’t share that, but I had other setbacks that had a huge impact.
Needless to say, I am sinking
deep. I am losing the battle right now,
I’m struggling each day, and each day is a battle to overcome the waves. I just can’t get over them, I have some good
days, but for the most part, each day is a struggle, each day is a battle. Now, having said that, before anyone gets too
concerned, like my Mom, I’m not suicidal, I really don’t ever see that as a
viable option, but it doesn’t mean that each day isn’t a challenge for me.
I had noted in my blog post,
I have avoided counseling, I have avoided drugs, and I believed that I can deal
with this more effectively on my own and I can help others to a greater extent
if I truly experience the depths of my depression. When I said that, I received some pushback
from a good friend in Dayton, Karl Sparklin.
Well, maybe it was more of Karl calling bullshit on me, but he said, “I’m
glad you draw strength and inspiration from various passive experiences like
church sermons that you mention. But as
you know, depression is a deep and powerful illness, and you will have to
combat it more directly and intensively than say, having Lent show up.”
I always receive and listen
to advice and constructive criticism with a discerning ear, I know I can always
improve. But, I quickly dismissed what
Karl had to say, he doesn’t know me like I know me. And then Karl got to experience what Laurel
always painfully experiences – The Megan Kearney Effect. In simple terms The Megan Kearney Effect is
like this – Laurel says “the sky is blue”.
I disagree. Megan Kearney tells
me, “the sky is blue”. I go home and
tell Laurel, “the sky is blue, Megan Kearney told me it was”.
After I had posted my blog, I
was at Ebb & Flow, and Megan approached me.
She had read my blog, and she said to me, “You know, when you don’t
think you need counseling or you don’t need drugs, it could be your brain is
lying to you and telling you that everything is fine.”
What? I know, I know, I know. Megan has told me many times, my brain lies
to me, my brain tells me stories, gives me an alternate reality, leads me down
a path, but I never considered that when I believed I didn’t need counseling,
didn’t need drugs, everything was OK, and I could get through this on my own, my
brain may be lying to me. It was such a
lightbulb moment, and I felt so stupid. And
of course, Megan told me the same thing Karl did, but in a much more palatable
way. Or something like that.
So I got inspiration from
Megan, and OK I’ll begrudgingly give Karl credit too, to finally seek out
counseling. I haven’t gone to counseling
for years, and out of the handfuls of counselors I’ve gone to, I can count on
one finger a good one that I saw. But,
I’m committed to give this a shot, and I will keep on searching until I do find
a good one. I’m not committed to drugs,
I have not taken any type of medicine for anything for I don’t know how many
years, and I really don’t plan to start.
I think, or I hope, I can do this if I can find a good counselor.
And I got inspiration from
Barbara Battin, and also from her husband Jim Clay. Jim had noted that Barbara never viewed her
36 years with cancer as a battle, she viewed it as a part of her journey. Now, I’ve lost a great deal of family and
friends to cancer, so I would never equate depression to cancer, but I thought
to myself, maybe I need to have a different view on this. Maybe I need to start looking at this as my journey
with depression rather than a battle with depression.
You know, I really get it, I
really understand why so many of you don’t understand. I have the most incredible life possible, I
have no right, no business to be depressed.
But then again, when Jaromir Jagr once said, “I feel like I’m dying
alive” when he was one of the greatest hockey players in the world, he probably
had no right to feel depressed. But he
did, and I do too. Recently I had that
conversation with my Mom, and I understand her concern, her wanting to
understand, but there is no understanding, it is. I’ve gone through that same frustration with
Patrick, trying to understand why in the Hell he is depressed, but he is.
I’ve decided, right or wrong,
good or bad, I’m going to share my journey.
I’m hopeful that maybe it can be helpful to at least someone. As I always note with my blog posts, if one
person can get something out of it, I’ll feel I’ve been successful. I’m moving from fighting a battle to setting
out on a journey, and I am inviting you all along with me. Let’s see if we can learn some things
together.
