This is my brother Bill, my oldest brother, an incredibly intelligent and personable individual. My brother Jim and I tend to be a bit introverted, but Billy was very extroverted. He could talk to anyone, he had many friends, was popular with women, he had a way about him that endeared him to many people. Unfortunately, this is the last picture I have of Billy, it's from Christmas in 1991 less than a year before he took his life about 19 years ago.
Suicide is a topic that most people like to avoid. No one likes to talk about it, and God forbid that it strikes your family. It's one thing to tell people that you lost a relative to a heart attack, cancer, a car accident, but tell them that you lost a relative to suicide? You can see in the reaction that they are shocked, dismayed, even repulsed by the admission. It's just not something anyone wants to talk about.
Do you know what it's like to lose a relative to suicide? As a sibling, it hurts, you struggle with what could you have done to change this, prevent this. You miss the person you lost, but you also struggle with so many emotions. The pain of the loss, the anger at them, the uncertainty of how in the world it happened, so many whirling, swirling emotions that you just can't seem to get a good handle on. After Billy killed himself, I would find myself daily sitting at stop lights, wondering, thinking, struggling with what happened, how could this happen, what could I have done, what could have changed this. Those daily struggles eventually went to semi-weekly, weekly, monthly, etc., but the pain never goes away. I'd have dreams periodically where Billy would be back, but of course, you wake up and life is back to normal.
I remember growing up, Billy would wax philosophically about suicide. He would talk about it like it was a badge of honor. I guess this should have been a sign of what was to come, but how do you know? I remember writing a story about him in high school, and I ended it with some lines from a Jackson Browne song, "The Pretender" - "Say a prayer for the pretender, who grew up so young and strong, only to surrender". Maybe I subconsciously knew something ahead of time, but just didn't realize it?
I went to a counselor at one point, and talked to her about it. At one point, I said, "my family all feels guilty about this, we feel like we should have done something". She said, "you should feel guilty". You should feel guilty? I'm not a trained counselor, but I can't imagine this is classified as good counseling, to tell someone in pain, you should feel guilty.
This counselor though isn't the only ill-informed person that has raised my ire. I've heard other people pontificate about suicide, what suicide victims have going through their mind, why they do it, what their issues are. These blanket opinions of suicide really piss me off, as there are no typical suicide victims. They come in all shapes and sizes and there are no easy patterns to tell you if and when the fatal event will occur. Talk to family members and friends and you will get hundreds of different stories, there are some patterns, but they are so diverse, it's hard to garner a good diagnosis of what a typical suicide victim looks like.
Finally, those people who state unequivocally that suicide victims will go to Hell obviously have an inside track to God that I don't have to know this for a fact. I'll avoid dealing with the topic of whether suicide is a sin or not, my focus will land squarely on Grace. I'm a sinner, a horrible sinner at least from my perspective. I can easily, but not proudly, say that I've broken most if not all of the 10 Commandments, in some cases, daily. While I'm a sinner, I still believe that through the Grace of Jesus Christ, I still will have a place in Heaven. If I have a place in Heaven, even though I have sinned throughout my life, how am I to say that someone who committed suicide will not have the same place in Heaven, if they have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. Does Grace not apply to them? If suicide is a sin, is it a worse sin than all of the sins I've committed to condemn all suicide victims to Hell?
As difficult as suicide is from a sibling's perspective, I can't imagine what it can be like for a parent, spouse or child. I know from watching my parents, they've never been the same since Billy ended his life 19 years ago. They were close to retirement, so they were looking forward to those years of relaxation, travel, enjoying life with no worries of getting up and going to work each day. That all changed. As bad as it's been for them, I can't imagine a spouse going through this. I can imagine even less, a child having to deal with a parent committing suicide.
Which brings me back to my inspiration. I've kept my thoughts and feelings about this topic inside for so many years, but Brittany inspired me because of her courage and convictions. She's been through a suicide, which impacted her and her children dramatically. Instead of burying this inside, she's waged a war, trying to encourage those who are contemplating suicide to reconsider and get some help. From my standpoint, if she saves just one life, if she keeps one family from having to deal with this pain, she will be very successful. If suicide victims could only see the devastation they leave behind, it would be like the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life", they would never even consider suicide. It wreaks so much havoc on those left behind, I can't believe they would still consider taking their life and destroying so many other lives in the process.
I wish I had some easy answers to this. As noted, suicide victims come in all shapes and sizes, and it's difficult to tell if and when it's going to happen. The toughest part is that sometimes those closest can see the signs the least or don't know what to do with the signs they see. After many years of soul-searching, I came upon a scene from the movie "A River Runs Through It" where Reverend Maclean delivers a sermon after the death of his son that really hit home for me. It goes:
"Each one of us here today will, at one time in our lives, look upon a loved one and with need, ask the same question: 'We are willing to help, God, but what, if anything, is needed?' For it's true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give, or more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those whom we live with and should know who elude us, but we can still love them. We can love completely without complete understanding."
If you have any thoughts of suicide, the easy answer is, don't do it. If you need the reasons why, talk to anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide, and hear and feel the pain that they are going through that will never go away. If you have a loved one that you are concerned may be contemplating suicide, have them talk to someone who has lost someone to suicide. Or have them read Brittany Terry's blog on Facebook, it is a powerful tool for those thinking about suicide or those who have loved ones thinking about suicide. As I said above, every person saved is a victory. Let's work to save some lives, and save some families and friends from needless suffering.
Steve,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your courage in sharing your experience. It seems the only sliver of hope we find in tragedy can only come with our willingness to share it with others.
allen