Solitude

Editor's Note - The following is the devotion I gave at the Men's Retreat on January 14, 2012. 

After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone – Matthew 14:23

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed – Luke 5:16

But when you pray, go to your room, close the door, and pray to your Father, who is unseen. And your Father, who sees what you do in private, will reward you – Matthew 6:6

Solitude can be found in many places. As we can see from the Bible, Jesus would recluse himself when He needed to so that he could re-energize himself. Many of you have your own method to attain solitude. The one who inspired me is someone who has probably inspired many of you here, Nathan Schroeder. I’d listen to Nathan’s stories of how he would have his time with God, and I’d be envious because, quite frankly, I just couldn’t do it. But then, I figured out, I could do it in my own way.

I run, but before we have any misconceptions, I need to paint the proper mental picture for all of you. When you think of a runner, or at least when I do, I think of someone like Jay Fulmer, and the picture of Secretariat, the greatest athlete of all time comes into my mind. I am by no means a runner in that sense, I’m more of a plow horse, and I run like I’m dragging that plow behind me (those who attended the Flashlight 5k can attest to this). I’m a plodder, but I love to run. I go six days a week, the only day I miss is Friday’s when we have our men’s group. My wife recently posted on Facebook, "thunder, lightning, pouring down rain, and my husband just left for a run.  Is he crazy, obsessive or dedicated?"  She would vote for the first two, I would vote for the latter.

The funny thing is that I wasn’t so dedicated about it until I changed the music I listened to, and changed my running behavior. I used to listen to the normal stuff, theme from Rocky, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (prior to Mark Wahlberg's career spiraling downward into acting), whatever I could find upbeat to keep me going. Then I started listening to praise music, see my list at the bottom of the page, and my behavior and desire changed dramatically. The music focused me, and I found solitude with our God. Most days, I run alone, in the dark, with just my music and my Clinging Cross, seeing virtually no one. And yes, I have become obsessive, and I really hate to miss a day, not because of the run, but it’s my time with our God.

It’s really a good thing that most of the time, it’s dark and no one can see me. Sometimes I’m smiling like an idiot as I run, thinking about the beauty of Grace that we’ve all been given. Sometimes I’m crying, wondering why in the world did God bless me with such an unbelievable life. Sometimes I sing along, and even Jay can tell you, it’s not easy to sing when you’re running, but I do my best. Sometimes I shout it out, shout to the glory of God. Most days, I pray for those who need prayers, my Dad going through chemotherapy, my cousin Marie who just put her Dad in a nursing home, my cousin Michele, whose son Shawn is in Afghanistan, and the list goes on. And some days, the Holy Spirit comes down, you know how it is when Dr. Chappell or Allen have a really poignant moment in a sermon, and it comes down my spine and spreads this warmth all over my body.

So I run. A solitary runner plods along, singing, crying, laughing, talking, praying, shouting, searching for answers, in the best place to find them. Let us pray:

Gracious God, thank you for solitude, thank you for those times that we can talk to you in private, when you hear only us, and we hear only you. Let us follow the lead that Zack gave us last night, and do as the song says, "There's an army rising up, to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain."

My Playlist

You Never Let Go – Matt Redman

Sweetly Broken – Jeremy Riddle

Not To Us – Chris Tomlin

Point of Difference – Hillsong United

God of Wonders – Third Day

The Time Has Come – Hillsong United

Break Every Chain – Will Reagan

Revelation Song – Phillips, Craig & Dean

Our God – Chris Tomlin

Be My Escape – Relient K

How Great Is Our God – Chris Tomlin

I Will Rise – Chris Tomlin

Everlasting God – Lincoln Brewster

Let God Arise – Chris Tomlin

Jesus Mystery – Charlie Hall

Song of Hope – Robbie Seay Band

A River Runs Through It

Prologue:  I owe this blog to my Muse, Brittany Terry, who inspired me to finally address this topic.  I just hope I can do her inspiration justice.

This is my brother Bill, my oldest brother, an incredibly intelligent and personable individual.  My brother Jim and I tend to be a bit introverted, but Billy was very extroverted.  He could talk to anyone, he had many friends, was popular with women, he had a way about him that endeared him to many people.    Unfortunately, this is the last picture I have of Billy, it's from Christmas in 1991 less than a year before he took his life about 19 years ago. 

Suicide is a topic that most people like to avoid.  No one likes to talk about it, and God forbid that it strikes your family.  It's one thing to tell people that you lost a relative to a heart attack, cancer, a car accident, but tell them that you lost a relative to suicide?  You can see in the reaction that they are shocked, dismayed, even repulsed by the admission.  It's just not something anyone wants to talk about. 

Do you know what it's like to lose a relative to suicide?  As a sibling, it hurts, you struggle with what could you have done to change this, prevent this.  You miss the person you lost, but you also struggle with so many emotions.  The pain of the loss, the anger at them, the uncertainty of how in the world it happened, so many whirling, swirling emotions that you just can't seem to get a good handle on.  After Billy killed himself, I would find myself daily sitting at stop lights, wondering, thinking, struggling with what happened, how could this happen, what could I have done, what could have changed this.  Those daily struggles eventually went to semi-weekly, weekly, monthly, etc., but the pain never goes away.  I'd have dreams periodically where Billy would be back, but of course, you wake up and life is back to normal.

I remember growing up, Billy would wax philosophically about suicide. He would talk about it like it was a badge of honor. I guess this should have been a sign of what was to come, but how do you know? I remember writing a story about him in high school, and I ended it with some lines from a Jackson Browne song, "The Pretender" - "Say a prayer for the pretender, who grew up so young and strong, only to surrender". Maybe I subconsciously knew something ahead of time, but just didn't realize it?

I went to a counselor at one point, and talked to her about it.  At one point, I said, "my family all feels guilty about this, we feel like we should have done something".  She said, "you should feel guilty".  You should feel guilty?  I'm not a trained counselor, but I can't imagine this is classified as good counseling, to tell someone in pain, you should feel guilty. 

This counselor though isn't the only ill-informed person that has raised my ire.  I've heard other people pontificate about suicide, what suicide victims have going through their mind, why they do it, what their issues are.  These blanket opinions of suicide really piss me off, as there are no typical suicide victims.  They come in all shapes and sizes and there are no easy patterns to tell you if and when the fatal event will occur.  Talk to family members and friends and you will get hundreds of different stories, there are some patterns, but they are so diverse, it's hard to garner a good diagnosis of what a typical suicide victim looks like.

Finally, those people who state unequivocally that suicide victims will go to Hell obviously have an inside track to God that I don't have to know this for a fact.  I'll avoid dealing with the topic of whether suicide is a sin or not, my focus will land squarely on Grace.  I'm a sinner, a horrible sinner at least from my perspective.  I can easily, but not proudly, say that I've broken most if not all of the 10 Commandments, in some cases, daily.  While I'm a sinner, I still believe that through the Grace of Jesus Christ, I still will have a place in Heaven.  If I have a place in Heaven, even though I have sinned throughout my life, how am I to say that someone who committed suicide will not have the same place in Heaven, if they have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.  Does Grace not apply to them?  If suicide is a sin, is it a worse sin than all of the sins I've committed to condemn all suicide victims to Hell?

As difficult as suicide is from a sibling's perspective, I can't imagine what it can be like for a parent, spouse or child. I know from watching my parents, they've never been the same since Billy ended his life 19 years ago. They were close to retirement, so they were looking forward to those years of relaxation, travel, enjoying life with no worries of getting up and going to work each day. That all changed. As bad as it's been for them, I can't imagine a spouse going through this. I can imagine even less, a child having to deal with a parent committing suicide.

Which brings me back to my inspiration.  I've kept my thoughts and feelings about this topic inside for so many years, but Brittany inspired me because of her courage and convictions.  She's been through a suicide, which impacted her and her children dramatically.  Instead of burying this inside, she's waged a war, trying to encourage those who are contemplating suicide to reconsider and get some help.  From my standpoint, if she saves just one life, if she keeps one family from having to deal with this pain, she will be very successful.  If suicide victims could only see the devastation they leave behind, it would be like the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life", they would never even consider suicide.  It wreaks so much havoc on those left behind, I can't believe they would still consider taking their life and destroying so many other lives in the process.

I wish I had some easy answers to this.  As noted, suicide victims come in all shapes and sizes, and it's difficult to tell if and when it's going to happen.  The toughest part is that sometimes those closest can see the signs the least or don't know what to do with the signs they see.  After many years of soul-searching, I came upon a scene from the movie "A River Runs Through It" where Reverend Maclean delivers a sermon after the death of his son that really hit home for me.  It goes:

"Each one of us here today will, at one time in our lives, look upon a loved one and with need, ask the same question: 'We are willing to help, God, but what, if anything, is needed?'  For it's true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give, or more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so it is those whom we live with and should know who elude us, but we can still love them. We can love completely without complete understanding."

If you have any thoughts of suicide, the easy answer is, don't do it.  If you need the reasons why, talk to anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide, and hear and feel the pain that they are going through that will never go away.  If you have a loved one that you are concerned may be contemplating suicide, have them talk to someone who has lost someone to suicide.  Or have them read Brittany Terry's blog on Facebook, it is a powerful tool for those thinking about suicide or those who have loved ones thinking about suicide.  As I said above, every person saved is a victory.  Let's work to save some lives, and save some families and friends from needless suffering.