Friday, June 14, 2013

Saying Goodbye

First, the picture. Several months ago, my cousin Roberta posted this picture, I had never seen it before. I fell in love with it immediately because my parents and my Aunt Bessie and Uncle Richard were still “young” and having fun in life. It’s how I wanted to remember them. Since then, we have lost Aunt Bessie, and now, my Dad. I want to continue to hold that picture in my mind, not the picture of him after cancer had taken over.


Second, as many of you know, dying can be an awful process for the person dying as well as the loved ones. I still hold a very pragmatic view of dying, if someone has lived a good and long life, we should be celebrating the life, not mourning the death. As much as I know that in my head, your heart oftentimes is telling you something different. That is the battle I’ve faced the last few months as my Dad was heading to Graduation Day. Graduation Day is a wonderful way that a friend from our church put it when he talked about our journey. We will never graduate on this side of Heaven, we can only be so good here on earth. Ultimately, the only way to graduate is to die and enter Heaven, where all of our sins are forgiven.

The following represents the correspondence I’ve had with my Dad, my Mom and friends as my Dad has headed to Graduation Day. I don’t believe it’s any different from what all of us face as we watch our parents age and get ready for the next life, but I wanted to share it in case it would help anyone else. Here are the final stages I went through on that final journey of saying goodbye and letting go.

When the cancer spread

Dad,

Whenever I face a difficult path in my journey, what always keeps me going is knowing that no matter what, God is with me on my journey. I hold close to the 23rd Psalm, which is listed below, and there’s one sermon that has always stuck with me, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Dr. Sandy McConnel. The one line that sums it up, “God was not present to intervene and prevent the wreck, but nonetheless God was not absent.” God walks with us through everything, and He is right there with you now. I know this is going to be difficult, but you can get through this with God’s help. We’re praying for you.

The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell[a] in the house of the LORD
Forever.

My First Visit After We Realized How Bad the Cancer Had Spread

Went to see my Dad. Essentially, he’s not living anymore, he’s dying. He’s lying in a hospital bed in the living room, doesn’t get out of bed, can’t get out of bed, he’s down to 115 pounds, at most, lost his hair, is barely eating or drinking, sleeps most of the day.

Dying is such a difficult process, I’m sure for the dying and the living. Realistically, I’ve been hoping or wanting him to die soon, since he’s in so much pain and is suffering so much. But as that time gets closer, as you know you have such little time left, the thoughts that go through my mind are just one more time, just let me get back here one more time before you die. I’m hoping to get back there in a couple weeks or so, get that one more time. I know at some point, or maybe it already has, that one more time will be gone.

From his standpoint, I’m sure he has similar feelings or thoughts, or I guess he does. He’s really not living anymore, he’s just dying. I’m sure on one hand, he just wants the pain, the battle to be done. But I’m sure once you get so close, it’s hard to give it up. Just let me see my kids one more time, let me see my grandkids one more time, let me tell my wife I love her one more time. I just can’t imagine.

My Letter To Him After That Visit

Joy:

As you’ve suffered through the last two years of cancer, I know it’s hard to find joy. Let me take you back to some of the memories you have and the accomplishments that you’ve made through your life. Maybe you can find joy in those.

• You’ve been married more than 60 years. With the divorce rate at much greater than 50%, that is a huge accomplishment.
• You raised 3 sons.
• You helped raise 7 grandchildren.
• You now have one great-grandchild.
• You quit school at 16, but you got your GED eventually.
• You drove a truck for many years and were very successful at that.
• You eventually ran truck terminals and were very successful at that.
• You owned various homes and eventually built your own home.
• You gave two of your sons land to build their own homes and you gave me money to compensate for that.
• You got to visit California and tour some great and beautiful places out there.
• You got to visit Las Vegas and see the glitz and glamour of Las Vegas.
• You got to see the majesty of Niagara Falls at various times.
• You helped us outfit our homes with the various things that a home needs but we had no clue how to do.
• You got to retire early.
• You got to move and live in Myrtle Beach, a great place to retire to.
• You have been very successful in managing your properties and investments.
• You honored your father and mother and all of the elders within your family.
• You have been a great brother to Uncle Pal.
• You taught us to honor our Mother.
• You taught us the value of our children and how important our children are to us.
• You taught us the value of hard work.
• You have been a great father, great husband, great friend to many people, great boss, you have led an incredible life.

You are coming up on Graduation Day. While we can accomplish so much on earth, we truly can’t graduate until we pass to the other side, until we reach Heaven. It’s OK to let go now. You really can’t accomplish anything more. You’ve left a great legacy, you have given us more than we could ever want or imagine. We know the pain is great, we know that you are suffering, it’s OK to give up the fight. You’ve given us everything, we can’t ask for anything more. When you know you’re ready, when you know that you’re ready to graduate, don’t feel badly about it. Ultimately, it will be time for all of us to graduate to Heaven, eternal life has already begun for all of us, some are just closer than others. Just know that we all love you, you’ve given us so much, and of course, God loves you, He never started loving you, His love is endless.

I really hope I get to see you again Dad, I really do, but if I don’t get to see you in this life, I so look forward to seeing you in Heaven. You can’t imagine what you’ve meant in my life, and I’m eternally grateful.

Prayers Answered and Unanswered

God answered my prayers, He let him go peacefully yesterday. And no, He didn’t answer my prayers, I didn’t get back there. I had a business trip to Germany, which is where I’m at right now, but as my brother Jim said, he would have wanted me to go on the business trip, and my Mom wanted me to go too. I know that in my head, but it still doesn’t help my heart. We had planned to go over this Monday once I got back to see him that one last time, just one more time, but somehow I knew, that one last time wasn’t going to happen.

I don’t question God’s plan or timing in all of this, I know He knows so much better than I do. Ultimately, I’m so thankful for the life my Dad led, the legacy he left behind, and the memories and wisdom he left me with. I’m happy his pain and suffering is over, and he has reached his Graduation Day. Thanks be to God.

1 comment:

  1. Steve-

    You peeled a wonderful onion and I've got the tears to prove it. What a legacy! What an inspiration! I'm going to say your father not only graduated, but graduated magna cum laude!

    Hug coming your way when we see each other! Blessings on you and your family!

    Carrpe Diem!

    Dave

    ReplyDelete