Prologue: I tend to write my blog posts in my head when I'm out for my morning runs. As noted before, I always listen to inspirational Christian music when I run, and I happened to be listening to Mystery when I was writing this blog post in my head. As I heard the refrain, "Christ has died, and Christ is risen, Christ will come again", I wondered if God was telling me something. This revelation will become clearer in the end.
I awoke last Friday morning to a text from one of my former students, Wendy Ferguson, "Oh no, I just got the e-mail that Canon passed away. This really has upset me. He and I both struggled with our studies, but we hung in there. I hate it that it was all for nothing. He was thankful that you dedicated so much of your time to us. He was my study buddy, and I will really miss him."
I was in disbelief, shock, Wendy and I exchanged a few more texts, and I ultimately went to the Gwinnett Daily Post website and found out Canon had drowned in Lake Lanier. The website listed the normal information when someone dies, Canon was a Lawrenceville Police Officer, seven year veteran, and was only 32. He died swimming in Lake Lanier, no information on how he drowned, I'm sure they don't know. It's funny, your life can be distilled down to so little, but there's so much more.
I first met Canon in the Spring of 2013, he took my Financial Accounting class. I'm not sure if you can tell from the picture, but Canon was very imposing, tall, shaved head, very stern look all the time. He always sat in the back of class, and just gave me these harsh stares. I figured he thought I was an idiot, the worst teacher in the world. Periodically, he would talk to the person next to him, laugh a little, and I figured, yeah, he thinks I'm an idiot.
Then, when I started tutoring, I always like to offer tutoring throughout the semester, Canon would show up. I was kind of surprised, but he'd show up every time I offered tutoring, he didn't always understand the concepts completely, but he worked his ass off to learn it. Every single time, at the end of the tutoring, he'd thank me and tell me how much he appreciated me taking the extra time to help him. And so it went throughout the semester. It wasn't that he was sitting back there thinking I was a complete idiot (or at least I hope not), most of the time, and he'd even tell me in tutoring, he'd be saying, "I really don't have a clue what you're talking about." It wouldn't be appropriate for me to say what grade he earned, but he earned a very good grade, and it had nothing to do with innate understanding of accounting, it came from pure sweat equity that Canon put in.
In the Fall of the same year, Canon signed up for my Managerial Accounting class. Same regiment, he sat in the back, scowled at me, laughed with the person next to him periodically, but at least now I knew who Canon was and what he was like. When I offered tutoring, again, he was always there. I even got to the point, when I scheduled my tutoring that I'd ask Canon when he could make it, I wanted to make sure he was able to come. He really worked hard, and he really appreciated the extra help. He struggled a bit more in Managerial, he didn't quite achieve the grade he wanted, but as I told him, if I could give anyone a grade they deserved rather than the one they earned, it would be him, but I wouldn't bend my standards, even for him.
The viewing was last Sunday night. I had no idea what to expect, I knew Canon was single, didn't have children, and knew he was a police officer. As a side note, I never knew he was a police officer until about halfway through the Managerial class. One of my students, Brittany, told me, she said that he didn't like people to know, he was worried they'd feel funny around him. Laurel and I got there around 6, the start time, and the place was already packed. There were police officers everywhere, it was really an incredible event. I handled it OK at first, I kept praying to God, give me strength, his family needs a kind word, a gentle word at a time like this. I held up pretty well for a while, I handled talking to his sister, we even talked about the accounting classes, it seems that Canon had shared what a struggle those were for him. But then, I got to his Mom. And I broke down completely. Thankfully, I had my Rock with me, Laurel, and she handled it beautifully, telling Canon's Mom how I knew him, what a great student he was, etc. I simply stood there blubbering, with Canon's Mom holding my arm, she was the strong one rather than me. I finally did get out what a great young man he was, and what an incredibly hard worker he was, that was about it.
"The procession from the church to the gravesite was approximately 15 miles and there must have been 100 cars and bikes with lights and sirens. We passed many people standing on the side of the road with their hand to their heart. Upon entering the cemetery we drove under a Fire Department ladder truck displaying an enormous American flag. At graveside the flag from his casket was folded, saluted and held to the heart of several of the Officers then presented to his mother. A call came over a Police radio for Badge #143, the call was not answered, the badge was then taken out-of-service and retired. A radio dispatcher announced the loss of the fallen Officer, stated how much his service was appreciated and how much he would be missed by all. He received a 21 Gun Salute and Taps were blown (and there was lightning in the background). It tore me up. I think we were luckier than we realized to have known him- Canon was a dedicated, strong, kind, talented, well-liked, loved, Christian man."
So I go back to what Wendy said in her text to me earlier, and I'm not picking on her, but to me, it's one of the key points in all of this. This was not all for nothing. There's a saying, and I know I'll butcher it, but the gist of it is that our lives aren't measured by the money we earn, the positions we have, the wealth we accumulate, our lives are measured by those we have touched along the way. If we simply carve out everything else that Canon did in his short 32 years on this earth, and we look at his life as a student at GGC, there's at least two people, Wendy and me, and I'm sure so many more, that he touched. As I always say, if I can just touch one life each class I teach, then I feel like it's all worthwhile. He touched at least two lives, and I'm sure many more.
While I hate that it took a death to snap me out of my half-year long funk, it did. I'm posting my blog entries out of order, I have one coming titled "What Is Wrong With Me?", which I wrote a few weeks ago, and you'll see the desert I've been roaming in the last six months. Canon's death finally snapped me out of it. His death reminded me who I am, what I am, why I am who I am. My love, my compassion for my fellow man had been mysteriously locked away for a while, and unfortunately it took a death to remind me of my intense compassion for those around me because of the Grace that God has shown me.
Finally, this all helped remind me of my faith, and what I believe, but also how I believe. Too long, I've been falling into the safe haven of "It's God's will, you have to just accept it and realize that God has a greater plan." While generally speaking, I agree with this, there is so much more to faith than just that. I remember years ago, Sandy McConnel delivering a eulogy for a baby that died, and saying, "It's OK to be angry with God right now". Yes, it is OK to be angry, and as I've often stated, the first thing I'm going to ask God when I get to Heaven is how can you possibly let a parent bury a child? I think that has to be the most devastating thing a person can go through, and that is why I struggle so much in these situations, and how I couldn't maintain any composure when I got to Canon's Mom. God, how can you make a parent suffer like that? While I still don't know the answer, and I'm still angry and will continue to question it, I do wonder if God was sending me the answer as I wrote this in my head and listened to the words of Mystery. No, I still have no answers, just questions. But, I will continue to have faith that God does have a plan, a much greater plan than we can imagine, and somehow Canon's life and death is weaved into that plan somehow.
Thank you Canon. Thank you for being such a great student, although I'm not supposed to have favorites, you were one of my favorites. I hate that it took your death to bring me back to life, but you did. I'm out of the desert thanks to you, and I'm ready to start paying it forward. I was empty, but I'm filled again. The seeds I've received I will sow.
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