The Gift of Dance

As I related recently when I wrote about my experience at Yoga Teacher Training, I fell in love with Dancer pose, and even told everyone before cueing it, “everyone loves to dance!”  As noted, that’s really not true, some of us, like me, can’t dance to save our lives, but for some reason, I just love Dancer.  My classmates even gave me the name “Lord of the Dance”, not because I’m so good at it, but because I wanted to do it all the time.  There are several balancing poses, Warrior 3, Eagle, Tree, Balancing Half Moon, but I’ve fallen in love with Dancer.  It took me until now to learn why.

Last weekend, I had one of the greatest weekends of my life.  OK, I exaggerate, it can’t compare to my children getting married, or when Laurel and I got married, but it was one of the most enjoyable weekends of my life.  Laurel had a yoga training session at our old yoga studio in Georgia, and I tagged along for the ride.  I busily made plans and I set myself up with a full schedule of events.  In order, starting with Friday afternoon:

• Therapy session with Hailey – I don’t believe anyone could ever reach me the way Hailey does, she is simply amazing.  She knows more about me than anyone, except maybe Laurel, I trust her that much.
• Yoga with Stephanie – Laurel and  I did a lot of yoga with Stephanie before we moved, and we also went on a yoga retreat with Stephanie to France, so it was nice to see her again.  Added bonus, I got to see Stephanie’s dog, Tilly!
• Massage with Tami – She may have the most magical hands I’ve ever felt in a massage, I told her that she has ruined massages for me.
• Birthday dinner with Kelly and Clayton – Kelly and I share a birthday month, we are only two days apart, and we used to always have birthday dinners before we moved.  It was so nice to reinstate this tradition.
• Yoga with Ashley – I spent a year in a book club with Ashley, all virtual.  It wasn’t until recently that I was able to meet her in person, and I was so looking forward to taking a yoga class that she was leading.
• Coffee with The Chocolate Poet Society – It was “only” five of us, we couldn’t get everyone together, but it was so nice to see everyone again after two months or so apart.  I miss them all so much.

The start was incredible.  Hailey and I have been together for three years, off and on, and I’ve had many powerful sessions with her.  This may have been the most powerful, the most impactful, but also at least one of the most painful.  As we ventured down the path of “what is wrong with me, why am I the way I am?”, I came to a really odd epiphany, and one that I struggle to put into proper words. 

We were discussing my inability to feel worthy, worthy of love, worthy of forgiveness, worthy of grace, worthy of Laurel, worthy of anything.  Hailey tried to explain to me, convince me, that worthiness is there, it’s inside of us, we don’t have to do anything to earn it or deserve it, it’s already there.  I know that, I don’t believe in “works” or doing things to earn it, I just believe that we should do nice things for people just because that’s what you do.  There really shouldn’t be any motivation for us to be nice to each other.

But then something really hit me, and it hit hard.  I thought back to something that Jeny said the one day after a yoga class, she perceived that Laurel and I had done something nice for her, and she said, “I know what you guys did, and I really appreciate you.”  It felt really nice when Jeny said that, it always feels good when someone expresses gratitude, especially those we really like and respect.  As I sat there in front of Hailey, the stark realization hit me yet again.  As good as that felt, it didn’t make me feel worthy.  Nothing I do will make me feel worthy, it never has, and most likely, never will.  I inherently knew worthiness wouldn’t come from anything I did, but the painfulness of not being able to figure out how to get there was overwhelming. 

It gave me a lot to think about, and I wish I could say Saturday was just purely bliss and joy, for the most part it was, but I had that gnawing inside of me about worthiness, or lack thereof. 

As noted, Sunday morning opened with a yoga class with Ashley.  She started off her class talking about “peak poses”.  Those are the types of poses that you build up to in a yoga class, working your way to a difficult pose, and sometimes you get there, and sometimes you don’t.  Ashley talked about how we work our way up to reach these peak poses, and when we get there, we feel so good, we feel like we accomplished something, but that only lasts briefly, we then want to move on to the next peak pose.

She said we oftentimes believe that reaching these peak poses makes us worthy.  But she went on to say, that we are already worthy.  There isn’t anything we need to do to be worthy, it’s within all of us.  We were in Child’s Pose as Ashley went through this, and after she was done, there was a puddle of tears on my mat, I was astounded at the irony of the situation.  While some can or may attribute this all to luck or karma or serendipity or whatever, I tend to believe these are God moments.  I needed that message that morning, and I was very thankful to receive it.

Sunday afternoon was magical of course, I was able to see Phyllis, Meenu, Luciana and Staci, and we reminisced, and we talked about how difficult it was to go from the high of our Yoga Teacher Training back to the real world of work, of stress, of anxiety, of our normal lives.  We had been isolated, we had spent nine days in a house in the beautiful Georgia mountains, we had grown together, and then got ripped apart, in a manner of speaking.

I didn’t have time to digest, I flew home Sunday night, and then I was back on a plane the next morning to Colorado, time to get back to work after such a beautiful weekend.  It wasn’t easy to come off that high either, but getting back into the spirit of travel tends to ground you. 

“For a Moment, When I’m Dancing, I’m Free!”

Later that week I got an e-mail notification from one of my favorite pastors and authors, Nadia Bolz-Weber, she has a website called “The Corners”, that is described as “Grace for fuck-ups.  Prayer for the impious.  A space for spiritual misfits”.  She has this segment titled, “Stuff I’m Into Right Now”.  This is a menagerie of book recommendations, movies, recipes, podcasts, and in this case, an incredible music video I just can’t stop playing, watching, listening to and crying about.

The music video is Florence and the Machine’s song “Free”, and it stars Florence Welch, and one of my favorite actors, Bill Nighy, who plays her anxiety (I highly recommend watching it).  I didn’t notice it immediately, but the second time through I heard the line, and it hit me, “For a moment, when I’m dancing, I’m free!”  And the mystery for me was solved, it finally hit me, when I’m in Dancer, it’s the one time I can silence all of those voices in my head that keep telling me I’m not worthy and all of the many reasons that I’m not worthy.  For those few moments, I’m free.

“To Open Up My Arms and Give It All to You”

There was one more message, or actually many, but the line above gave me a partial answer, and Bob Goff gave me the rest of the answer this morning.

This morning I was reading Bob Goff’s “Love Does”.  Lani recommended this book to Jeny, Jeny recommended it to me, and I’ve recommended it to several other people.  The premise of “Love Does” is that we can “discover a secretly incredible life in an ordinary world”.  It doesn’t take much, we can all do our small part, and eventually, it makes a big difference.  And I think that’s what I’m discovering or discovered over last weekend and into this past week.  Florence Welch and Bob Goff were able to put my epiphany into the words I couldn’t come up with.

As I sit here writing, I’m watching Laurel.  She has four yoga books or manuals in front of her on the kitchen bar, a folder of many notes, many sheets of paper half-written, a computer she periodically types into, blocks, and she goes from writing to typing, to on the floor doing yoga poses, using her blocks, figuring out how to sequence a class for her 55 and over community, back to her notes, back to her computer, writing, typing, hand motions, and an endless stream of activity.  She puts countless hours into figuring out how to best serve this group, and she does it well.  And they appreciate her for it.  Yes, love does. 

“This is 911, Are You Having an Emergency?”

Early Wednesday morning, I was out for a run in Boulder, it was dark, very quiet since it was so early, and I was listening to my music, I always listen to contemporary Christian music, I think I was listening to “Jesus Mystery” at the time, but I was deep in my thoughts, and of course, the voices were telling me, well, what they always tell me.  Suddenly, I heard my phone ringing, and I looked down, and it was 911.  I panicked and quickly hung up, I had inadvertently called 911, but of course, they were persistent, and called back.

“This is 911.  Are you having an emergency?”

“Why yes, yes I am.  Can you please do something about these voices in my head?  Can you tell them to leave me alone and give me peace?” 

Epilogue: If you view yourself as a spiritual misfit, message me, I'll gladly buy you a subscription to "The Corners".  You will love it.

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

 AKA – The Steve McCullough Needs To Get His Shit Together Project

Editor’s Note: The title of this blog post comes from a Jimmy Buffett song, I had never heard it in my life.  He wrote it for the survivors of Hurricane Katrina.

For the past 1.5-2 years, I’ve developed my morning routine around reading spiritual and self study books, walking with Laurel and a short exercise routine.  I started slowly with the exercise routine, and eventually worked up to doing 50 push-ups, my exercise wheel and 8-9 minutes of plank and boat poses to various inspirational music, such as Hillsong United or Krishna Das.  

In July, I decided that I needed to ramp this up a bit, and I decided to increase it by five push-ups each month to try to get to 80 by the end of the year, or maybe I could get up to 100?  I went up to 55, and that was no problem, so let’s take it to 60!  I found within a few days, instead of enjoying my morning routine, I was starting to dread it.  I could do the 60 push-ups, but it just wasn’t as much fun anymore.  

Several years ago, I would run 5-6 days a week, I’d do 2-3 miles each day in the morning, it would get my day started off right, I’d think, I’d get centered, it was a great way to start the day.  Then I decided I wanted to run a half marathon, and I worked my way up to that, and then I ran more half marathons.  I was running 6-10 miles in the morning before work, training for the half marathons, and after a while, I found that I really wasn’t enjoying my runs anymore.  It had become too much work instead of fun.

Yes, there is a pattern here….

Back in June, I completed my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training, and as I’ve highlighted in previous blog posts, it was one of the most incredible journeys I’ve ever been on.  I developed tremendously, and I was able to share this journey with some wonderful people.  It was a time in my life that I will cherish forever.  In the midst of it, I was reading a book, “Einstein and the Rabbi”, and I don’t know if any of you have experienced something like this before, but I would swear that the author, Rabbi Naomi Levy, wrote this book specifically for me.  It was eerie, there were certain passages that spoke directly to me, and I learned so much and grew from that reading.  The combination of the two experiences had me on an incredible high at that point.

As I headed into July, not surprisingly, I crashed down off of that high, it would have been impossible to sustain it.  I talked to some of my fellow trainees from the Chocolate Poet Society, and I found they were experiencing similar feelings, so in a weird sort of way, I felt a little bit better.  But, I just wasn’t recovering.  As the days and weeks passed, I wasn’t improving, I was still really unhappy, grumpy, irritable, any word that you can think of for a nasty person, it was me.

What was even worse was I was reverting back to an old pattern at work also.  I’ve shared in past blog posts that I used to believe that I had to live work, be work, everything depended on my super human abilities to outwork anyone.  I was falling back into that old mindset.  I was clinging onto everything, I was not trusting anyone could do it as well as me, I was controlling everything.  Worse for me, I wasn’t being present.  I learned long ago, that it’s critical to be present with your colleagues, if you are in a conversation with them, they need to be your only focus at the moment.  No e-mails, phone calls, texts, anything should distract you.  They need to be your only focus.  I wasn’t allowing outside distractions disrupt those moments, but I was allowing the bazillion thoughts running through my head to divert me, and I wasn’t truly present.

Now, in a minor bit of defense, there was a reason for this, and it relates back to “Einstein and the Rabbi”, but I’ll have to defer that discussion for now, otherwise you all will think I’m really crazy (I know, that ship has probably already sailed).

I got to the point as we rounded out of July and headed to August that I determined if I couldn’t get my shit together, I would have to seriously consider quitting my job.  Now, that would most likely be a knee jerk reaction, and I wouldn’t really do it, but life isn’t meant to be this miserable, and I was making it that way.  I couldn’t seem to bounce back, and I couldn’t seem to get out of my way.

And then, Sunday, July 31, a barrage of messages came crashing in from multiple sources.  It started innocently enough, I had seen a sign at a local shop with a Mr. Rogers quote on it on Saturday, and so I googled Mr. Rogers quotes first thing that morning, and I saw this one:

"We get so wrapped up in numbers in our society. The most important thing is that we are able to be one-to-one, you and I with each other at the moment. If we can be present to the moment with the person that we happen to be with, that's what's important."

OK, message received.  I have been too focused on numbers lately, OK, all my life, and I’ve lost sight of the more important things.  I needed to hear that.

In my morning reading from “The Untethered Soul”, I read this line from Michael Singer:

“Learn to stop resisting reality, and what used to look like stressful problems will begin to look like the stepping-stones of your spiritual journey.”

Maybe easier said than done, but he brought up so many examples of what gets us all worked up into a frenzy, and I thought of all the “major” problems I’ve been having at work, and you start to see, there were major problems six months ago.  There were major problems six years ago.  Do you really remember them?  Maybe, but did they somehow get solved at least in some manner?  Most likely yes.  There will always be issues, problems, challenges, we just have to work our way through, do the best we can, and accept that’s all we can do.

And then we went to yoga, and Michelle’s theme was about being in the present.  I probably won’t get part of the words exact, but it was something like:

“The past doesn’t matter, the future doesn’t matter, all that matters is right here, right now”

She said that a few times during class, and each time, she paused and really emphasized the “right here, right now”.  While I know she was talking to everyone, I felt like she was talking directly to me.  OK, OK, I get it, get back to the present.

Finally, I decided to watch a sermon from Nadia Bolz-Weber from July 3 that I had saved in my Inbox, but hadn’t found the time to watch.  I started watching it, and she started off talking about how she used to do Crossfit, but had given it up a few years back and started doing yoga, and she talked about the breath.  She talked about many Biblical references where the breath is so important, and life-giving, and she suggested on a certain level, our breath is God:

“Maybe God gave us the breath of life so that we might experience this life with God.  When Moses asked God’s name he wasn’t given a name name, he was given Yahweh, which some say is not a name, but a sound – the sound of breath itself…Inhale 'Yah', Exhale 'Weh'.”

I’ve started to use this when I need to focus, to center myself, I inhale 'Yah', I exhale 'Weh'.  It’s amazing how simple it is to center yourself, focus and relax when you just breathe.

So I set August 1, 2022 as the beginning of The Steve McCullough Needs To Get His Shit Together Project.  I planned to relax, be present, let my people do their jobs, not stress out over the little stuff (and of course, it’s all little stuff), and most importantly, breathe.

Have I been perfect ever since?  Oh my God, no.  I think it was Thursday or so, there was an issue with inventory, and Marci came to me and said, “Can you please just let me handle this?  I got this, I’ll make sure I keep you informed, but I have this taken care of.”  Yep, she was right, I told her I’ll stay out of it.  I’m a work in progress.

Going back to the title of the blog post and the impetus, I can’t fathom living through a hurricane, and for many, it was a huge bonus to be able to breathe in, breathe out and move on. Whether we hit our sales numbers this year, whether we move into our new building timely, whether I get the Ratier contract, I think I’ll survive, and of course, I’m much better off than someone who has had to live through a hurricane.  

One last thing from Nadia Bolz-Weber, I wish I could share her entire sermon, but then it would be her blog post, but she said so many incredible things, and this part really resonated with me:

If it’s true that the only life that exists in a universe billions of light years across is on this tiny dust mite of a planet -  then yes, there is still much to fear, but let us not hold our breath and miss how unspeakably beautiful and magnificent it is that against all the odds in the universe, we get to breathe air and think thoughts and love people, and walk in parks, and hold babies, and eat pizza and be bad at yoga.

You know, I’m not always the quickest study, it takes a while for me to understand a lesson or a message.  Maybe that’s why I received four of them that Sunday.  Someone decided that I probably will just brush it off, look past it, decide it’s just a bit of irony if I only receive one message about getting my shit together.  Two?  Ah, coincidence.  Three?  Hmm, that’s kind of interesting.  Four?  OK, OK, I get it!  

Breathe in, breathe out, move on.  Be present.  Love people.  Be bad at yoga.  And get my shit together.

By the way, I have gone back to doing 50 push-ups in the morning.

That's What Friends Are For

 

The Chocolate Poet Society

 

Editor’s Note: As noted in my last blog post, I just completed my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training course.  I had two posts, the first was about gratitude, this is a tribute to a beautiful group of people, who gave me the gift of belonging.  I will be forever grateful to them.  I just hope my words do them justice.

It was inevitable, it’s really surprising it took as long as it did.  We had a three-story house in the woods in the north Georgia mountains, and due to the fact I was the only male, I had a private room with a private bath.  I think about the second day, a few of my fellow classmates wanted to see what my room looked like.  They came crashing in, marveling at the room, and of course, eyeing up the beautiful bathroom with the freestanding bathtub.  And then Staci noticed that I had my shades pulled down on the one set of windows in the bedroom, and she shrieked, “Why do you have these shades down!  You’re missing a beautiful view!”  And she proceeded to raise the shades and expose me to the outside world.

Way back in the fall, when Laurel and I took a trip to France with Sheila Ewers on a Yoga Retreat, I mentioned to Sheila that I wanted to take the 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training course.  She was thrilled, and much to my dismay, in January or so of this year, she reached out to me to take me up on it.  Oh my God, what have I gotten myself into?  As is very typical for me, I immediately went into flight mode, my standard answer to any challenge, the unicorn in me came out.  I started thinking of the many reasons why I couldn’t, or shouldn’t, do this. 

The requirements were intense.  Over roughly two months, I would have to travel to Georgia four times for weekend training events, and one time for a nine-day event at a house in the north Georgia mountains, along with nine Wednesday night virtual calls for two hours at a time.  If I were any good at math, I’d realize, 200 hours is a lot of time.

The first weekend together, we gathered, eight students, and two teachers, and as noted, I was the only male.  Over the course of the weekend, there were times when some of my classmates would talk about various women-related issues, and then they would turn to me and say, “sorry Steve”.  At the end of the weekend, I said to Sheila, “I don’t want them to hold anything back, they can say anything they want in front of me, I need to feel like I belong.”  And Sheila responded, “I really don’t think that will be a problem with this group.”  And she was right.

The next weekend was incredible.  I was struggling mightily with the Sanskrit and eventually the anatomy, but I kept feeling so comfortable with my group.  They were such a menagerie of personalities, and I just loved something about each of them.  Truth be known, I couldn’t wait for that third weekend, I just loved being around them.  They were so open and honest, and so willing to let me in.

As the time came for the nine days together, I started getting apprehensive yet again.  The feeling that I just don’t belong, that I wasn’t worthy to do this, that I’m just not good enough kept coming up, and I was trying to figure out why or how I could back out.  And then a funny thing happened….

The one night a few days before I was to leave, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I had a sharp pain in my right calf, probably a cramp, but it didn’t feel like a cramp.  I had an instant where I thought it was a blood clot again, I had one a few years ago in that same calf.  I panicked, and thought, no!  I won’t be able to finish the training if I have a blood clot.  And I knew then how badly I wanted this.

When I arrived at the house, I had my usual apprehension.  I don’t belong, I shouldn’t be here, I’m not worthy… But, I have grown in my abilities to know when to use the tools in my toolbox.  I phoned a friend.  Actually two.  I sent an e-mail to Hailey, and I told her I don’t feel like I belong, I want to leave, and I just wanted to cry.  She said, that’s OK, if you want to cry, then you should cry.  I talked to Laurel, and of course, she knows me better than anyone, and she reassured me, these are just normal feelings. 

As the days wore on, I became more comfortable  I have become so much better at knowing myself, knowing what I need and who I am.  But it was so much more than that.  Everyone gave me my space and allowed me to be me.  There was a day when I was really down, and instead of living one of Laurel’s yoga cards that says “Perfectly Imperfect”, I was telling myself that I’m “Perfectly Incompetent”.  The good news is that I know that this can be me sometimes, and I will get past it, but
also, everyone let me have my space and didn’t try to fix me, they were just there for me. 

I still find it hard to believe that we spent so much time together, living with each other for nine days, starting at 7 in the morning until 9 or 10 at night, and we got along so well.  It was one of the most magical experiences I’ve ever had in my life, I missed Laurel deeply, but I was so sad to have to say goodbye and leave when our time was done.  It sounds so trite to say, we laughed, we cried, we shared our emotions, but we did, and there were so many moments that were so meaningful and touching, I won’t ever be able to forget them.

There are so many moments I could share, but of course, those are our private moments, but I’ll share just one, because I don’t think it would violate anyone’s trust, and frankly, I thought it was incredibly funny.  It was the one breakfast, toward the end of our stay.  We had a requirement to remain silent each morning until after breakfast.  As we were having breakfast in silence, I took a bite of food, and immediately shuddered at the taste.  Something wasn’t right.  Staci and Carley immediately started laughing at the face I made.  Not deterred, I thought, maybe it was one bad spot.  So I took another bite.  Another shudder.  Staci burst out laughing, and said, “Why did you take another bite!”  She and Carley were laughing and crying, and then I looked up, and Phyllis had tears rolling down her face.  When I finally got myself under control, and had stopped laughing, I looked at the end of the table, and Meenu had tears rolling down her face too.  Yes, we laughed, and we laughed so hard, we cried.  And I had to fall on my sword and confess to Sheila that the silence had been broken, and it was all because of me.

Going back to the beginning, after Staci unceremoniously raised my shades, I gradually opened my

windows.  It probably took a day or two, but I remember the one night as I was lying in bed, I kept thinking, what is that noise?  It finally dawned on me, it was the waterfall behind the house.  I had these beautiful woods outside my windows, I had this majestic waterfall, and I still didn’t realize it for a couple days, that’s how closed off I’ve been to the world around me.  It was such a gift that Staci gave me that day.

We still had one weekend left, we had our final test, which I was scared shitless for, I still couldn’t seem to grasp the Sanskrit or the anatomy.  Thankfully, Staci and Jacey put together flash cards online, which I studied probably at least 50 times.  If it weren’t for those,  I wouldn’t have passed the test.  More importantly, we had our final time together, and the tears flowed.  And flowed.  And flowed some more.  We also had a great deal of laughter and fun, but it was a difficult moment to have to say goodbye.

At our last group setting, we each had to say what we planned to do, to live by going forward.  Back at our mountain house, we had a ceremony where we said goodbye to our “Loyal Soldier”.  That is who we use to protect us from the outside world.  In my case, I said goodbye to “Stone Cold Steve McCullough”.  Throughout my life, I withdraw my emotions, so that no one can see what I’m feeling, what hurts.  I don’t want anyone to see inside, to see the real me.  The funny thing was when I called Laurel to ask her what she thought my Loyal Soldier was, she said it immediately, so I guess I’m more transparent than I thought I was.  At least to her.  I told the group, I’m going to start following what Mother Teresa said, I’m going to be honest and transparent, even if it does make me vulnerable.

“I am searching for something I have not lost” from “Einstein and the Rabbi”

So, why did I want to do this training so badly?  Truth be known, I desperately wanted to do this to find forgiveness.  I’ve been searching for 30 years for forgiveness, and I thought I could find it here.  I had looked everywhere else, maybe this was where I would find it.  On our last Sunday together, the day of our graduation, I read the line above.  I also got horribly lost on my morning run, which seems so poetic for this journey.

If you read my last blog, I said that I started yoga to find my breath, but I found so much more.  Similarly, I set out on this journey to find forgiveness, but I received so many wonderful gifts, and I realized, I never lost forgiveness, it’s been there all this time, I just need to figure out how to embrace it. 

There were so many other gifts that I received throughout this experience.  The greatest gift?  Belonging.  It’s been years since I’ve felt that I belong anywhere.  This wonderful group of people gave me the gift of belonging.  After some initial trepidation, I felt so comfortable anytime we were together, it meant so much to me.  I can’t thank them enough.

Last comment and I’m done, and again, from “Einstein and the Rabbi”.  A few days after the reading above, I read this, which seemed like a special message jut for me, based on the age cited.  It said:

“Rabbi, I realize I have a gift, and all I need to do is just be me.  God gives you gifts.  Use them.  Don’t be ashamed.  I’m 61 years old.  It’s OK if others don’t like my work.  My work’s OK.  I’m OK.”

Belonging.  And allowing me to just be me. 

Many thanks to The Chocolate Poet Society.

Expressing Gratitude - For My Mat

 Editor’s Note: I just completed my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training course.  I have two posts, and essentially they are out of order, but for a reason.  I believe expressing gratitude should be a high priority, so I wanted to post it first.  And the second will be the story and a tribute to “The Chocolate Poet Society”, an amazing group of people who made me feel like I belong.  I want to ensure I devote enough time and effort to write about what they mean to me.

They came by it honestly

This weekend our daughter Megan and her husband Thomas are celebrating their 11^th wedding anniversary.  Our sons, Patrick and Sean, sang before the wedding, and even wrote an original song that they performed.  Shortly before the ceremony, I went to their hotel room, where they were practicing, to take them to the church.  When I got there, they told me, “We just wrote a new verse for the song”.  Since this was my first child getting married, I was a bit stressed, and I nearly lost my mind, and said, “You can’t add another verse!  You have to have this locked in!”  No matter, they added the new verse, and the song went well, and everything worked out beautifully. 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I was in the Georgia mountains at a heavenly house with a waterfall

right behind it, in the middle of the woods, and I was preparing my first yoga class, an hour-long class I had to teach for my fellow students, The Chocolate Poet Society, and about five minutes or so before teaching my class, I was tweaking it a bit.  I can add this sequence, I can talk about this, I can change my theme, I can add some music, I can…. And it hit me, Patrick and Sean came by it honestly, I was going to tweak this until the bitter end.

Going into this, I never imagined that I could ever put together an hour-long yoga class, I didn’t think I’d be able to sequence it, I wouldn’t be able to theme it, I’d lose track of what I was doing, I thought of all the reasons I couldn’t do this.  As the nine-day journey progressed, Sheila Ewers and Tami Roberts, our instructors, did a wonderful job of preparing us, building bit by bit, and parceling out enough each day to give us the confidence that we could do it.  Still, I was scared, and I didn’t know if I could do it.

But then, it all started flowing, and I knew why it was flowing, which gave me the idea of how to theme my class.  I realized that I could do this because of the great teachers I’ve had over the years, and I set my theme as a theme of gratitude for all of them.  And I told my story of my yoga journey, a relatively short one, but an important journey all the same.

I told my class why I started practicing yoga five years ago.  I had run in a Team Marathon at WIKA in Germany, and I really, really sucked.  I was very upset and angry, and when I got home, I told Laurel, I want to start going to yoga with you.  The reason was that when Laurel and I would run, she ran with such ease, and her breath was incredible.  She breathed so effortlessly while I sounded like a chain smoker running down the road.  I wanted what she had, I wanted to learn to breathe like that to become a better runner.

Laurel warned me that yoga wouldn’t be easy for me.  I said, “No shit, have you seen my hamstrings?  I know this won’t be easy”.  I remember going to my first yoga class, and Megan Kearney, the owner of Ebb & Flow, started off by talking about how some people approach yoga like a lion, ready to attack, while others are like a unicorn, ready to run out of the back of the room.  No doubt, I was a unicorn.  And there are still times, I’m a unicorn.  Anytime a teacher brings up hamstrings or quads, I’m ready to escape, but I stick it out and put the work in.

I told the class that every day when I step on the mat, I start by saying, “Thank you for bringing me here”.  That expression of gratitude is for Laurel for inviting me to join her at yoga, it’s for God, it’s for anyone who has played a part in this.  Every time I step on the mat, I express my gratitude. 

It’s a Great Day for Yoga!

And I then I say something I learned years ago from the late, great Badger Bob Johnson, a hockey coach.  Badger Bob was one of the most positive people who ever lived, and he would always say, “It’s a great day for hockey!”  So I start my practice by saying, “It’s a great day for yoga!”

And I asked the class, “Isn’t it a great day for yoga?  I think so.”  And I told them, “Yoga is the teacher, I’m simply the conduit or vessel.  I’ll do my best to allow you to have a great day on the mat.”

As I worked through my sequencing, again, while it wasn’t easy, I felt so comfortable because of the many classes I’ve had with so many great teachers.  Throughout the class,  I weaved in some of the names of teachers and what they brought to me.  I’ll keep this anonymous, except for one.  I couldn’t resist when the time was right to tell the class to come down to their “hiney” as a tribute to Valerie Had. 

Was my class flawless?  Oh my God, no! Early in the class I was going through a sequence of Low Crescent Lunge poses to Warrior I Poses to Warrior II poses.  As I was on the Warrior II series, I had a moment of panic as I realized I had skipped right over the Warrior I series.  As the momentary panic attack subsided, I was able to realize I could just go back and cover the Warrior I series, so it went off without any issues.

Everybody Loves to Dance!

Before we went into Dancer pose, I cued it up by saying the above, which I thought about afterward, really isn’t true.  Truth be known, I hate to dance.  I can’t dance, I have no rhythm, I can’t even clap along to a song.  But you know, upon further review, that’s one of the beauties of yoga.  We are together in a studio, we are a community, but we are also on an island on the mat.  For the most part, I don’t notice anyone else in the class, and I doubt they notice me.  We are together, but we are alone, and we can express ourselves however we’d like to.  So yoga is the one place I can dance, I can dance like no one is watching me.

The funny thing is, I used to hate balance poses, but now I love them.  It’s not that I can do them any better than I  used to, it all has to do with how I view them.  Being a Type A, I used to get so angry when I couldn’t hold a balance pose, now, I just take whatever the day brings, if I can balance, great, if not, there’s always tomorrow.  And I can dance.

Just Breathe

I told the class that it wasn’t until just recently that I realized, I had accomplished what I had set out to do in the beginning.  I learned to breathe.  I was out for a run the one morning, and I realized I had this beautiful, smooth breath.  The irony is I didn’t really care anymore.  I really don’t run that much these days, I mainly do yoga, so I accomplished what I set out to do, but I’ve achieved so much more.

As we wound down the class, I read the Jim Valvano quote above.  I told the class that every time I step on the mat, I laugh, I think, I cry.  I came to yoga to learn to breathe, but I’ve gotten so much more.  Yoga gives me a heck of a day, every day.

If you know me, you know that I’m probably my worst critic.  I can tell you 100 things that I’m not good at, and maybe 2-3 I am good at.  Unfortunately that’s the way I’m wired.  But I was pretty proud of myself.  And still, I knew how I got here and why I was able to do this.  I’m grateful for those who have given me this opportunity and given me the ability to do something I never thought I could do.

My roots were at Ebb & Flow where I learned so much about anatomy, and I also learned what yoga really was.  I learned so much about the beauty of yoga at Blue Lotus Yoga in Duluth and John’s Creek, and was fortunate enough to learn under some incredible teachers.  My love for yoga expanded tremendously during those years and led me to take this course (As a side note, I traveled, I think, five times to Georgia from Ohio in the past two months because there is only one person I would ever want to train under, and that’s Sheila Ewers).  And this past year and a half at The Wonder Within has been amazing.  The teachers there are so precise in their cueing, I could hear them in my mind as I went through my class.  The cueing came so naturally for me, it was almost like second nature.  Lastly, while I know I’m biased, I really believe that Laurel is one of the best teachers I’ve ever seen at theming a class.  She themes her class with a different message each week, and she gives her students a card, similar to the one below, as a memento of the class.  I’ve seen her put in so many hours and effort to theme, and I think it really helped me come up with a theme for my class. 

Although I think she gets hers done sooner than five minutes before class….

Thank you for bringing me here

Finding Gratitude - Finally

And forgive us our sins. As we forgive those who sin against us. Forgive us when we hate what you love. Forgive us when we would rather anesthetize ourselves than feel anything. Forgive us for how much we resent in others the same things we hate in ourselves. Forgive us for the terrible things we think about our own bodies, bodies you have made in your image. And this one is hard, but please forgive us for thinking we know the hearts of our enemies.  From Nadia Bolz-Weber’s version of the Lord’s Prayer

Toward the end of 2021, I went to a nutritionist to help me with my issues surrounding Crohn’s Disease.  I had tried virtually everything, short of going on more aggressive medication that could potentially have side effects.  I don’t like taking any medication, but I’m most likely stuck with Mesalamine for the rest of my life, unless I can help it, and I didn’t want to expand further.  I decided to try a nutritionist that could help me at least deal with my issues as best as possible.

I introduced her to my current diet.  I was eating 2-3 breakfast bars a day to get through the day, and then I’d eat a light meal at night.  When I showed her the breakfast bars, her reaction was, “Why in the world are you eating those, they’re the worst thing you could be eating.  They’re full of preservatives that are terrible for you.”  Shockingly, I had missed the mark completely on my self care.

She put me on a 12-week diet to start with to try to essentially clean out my body.  Each day I was allowed to eat:

• Two eggs – plain, only salt and pepper
• One apple
• Two bananas
• One piece of white meat chicken – plain, I could have some olive oil for flavor
• One potato – plain, again, only salt and pepper
• Two organic shakes for calories

Every single day….  The humor in all of this was the apple was the one thing I just couldn’t do.  Felix Brockmeyer even sent a video of his daughter Finley teaching me how to eat an apple.  I still couldn’t do it.  

I was lucky enough to start this diet right before Thanksgiving and of course Christmas and New Year’s.  I had a very exciting holiday season for meals, and, unfortunately, Laurel got to experience the same, even though I encouraged her not to follow my diet.

Partway through the diet, in a moment of frustration or anger, Laurel asked me what I wanted to do, to which I replied, “If this is all I can eat, I might as well drive my car into the lake.”

Wah, wah, wah

If I can take a brief moment to defend myself before I go back to berating myself, I have spent my entire life completely healthy.  Until about 3-4 years ago, I can honestly say I’ve had virtually nothing ever wrong with me, and I’m coming up on 62 years old.  I had tears in my retina a few years ago, I got a blood clot in my calf a couple years ago, and of course, I got Crohn’s Disease a few years ago.  But, other than that, I’ve been completely healthy.

That can be a dual-edged sword.  On one hand, I’m incredibly thankful and grateful for all of those years of impeccable health.  On the other, this has been an adjustment for me, I’m not used to having to manage my daily life and having no idea what I can eat, and what it might do to me when I eat it.  

As I’ve gradually worked out of the incredibly strict diet to a bit of a less strict one, I’ve started discovering a new problem.  As I like to put it, my issue is probably 60-80 percent physical at the moment, and 20-40 percent mental.  I’ve become scared to eat.  My diet now isn’t really a whole lot better than the diet noted above.  I’ve expanded a bit, I eat some other meats, some other potatoes, some other food groups, but not much else.

When I’m on the road, I gravitate back to the strict diet.  I go to Whole Foods in each city and find various fruits for my hotel room.  I take my organic shakes with me.  I find the restaurants that have grilled chicken, and I get it served plain.  I can tell you who has the best plain, grilled chicken in any city I’ve been to.  

The side effects?  Over the last couple of years, I’ve lost 30 pounds.  I can assure you this hasn’t been a fun way to lose 30 pounds, if there is one.  The reality is, I don’t have the same energy that I used to have, and I probably struggle a bit mentally due to a lack of food feeding my brain.  On the latter point, some of you may be wondering, is there really much difference?

I’m not sure about the rest of you, but for the first 61 years of my life, I really didn’t like my body.  I really worry that I’m not alone, I think there are many of us who don’t love our bodies.  There is always something that we see in the mirror, that we perceive inside of us that makes us not find ourselves attractive.  I’ve spent my entire life not liking it for whatever reason at the time, in no order:

• I was fat in grade school (wait, no, my Mom said I was husky)
• I have incredibly tight hamstrings
• I’m losing my hair and look more and more like Doc from “Back to the Future” everyday
  
• I’m bow-legged
• I have a bump on my face that appears to be getting bigger and bigger because my face keeps getting thinner and thinner
• To say I’m as slow as a tortoise may not be fair to the tortoise
• I had allergies to virtually everything that grew when I was growing up and we lived in the country
• I’m blind as a bat (again, may not be fair to the bat)

OK, I’m sure I could come up with many more, but the point is well taken, I didn’t like my body for really no “good” reason, it was all fairly superficial.  As I’ve reflected on this, I’ve come to the conclusion for the first time in my life, which is sad really, that I love my body.  Now that I have something to maybe not like my body for, I’ve actually come to like and appreciate it.  So, what happened?

I guess I’ve finally gained some perspective.  I have two very dear people near me with cancer, and of course, like many of us, I/we’ve lost many people to cancer.  I don’t have cancer, at least not yet, and I’m thankful for that.

And really, to be honest, I have crohn’s disease.  A dear friend, Alyssa Firestone, has CROHN’S DISEASE.  I’ve had to deal with this for a few years, she has spent most of her life dealing with it.  And her issues are by far greater than mine.  I really have nothing to complain about compared to her.  And still, she has been an amazing friend to me throughout this.  She’s called me, counseled me, coached me, listened to me, sent me links to medical information, she has been incredible to me and for me throughout this situation.  I couldn’t have imagined going through this without her.  And her husband Drew threatened to punch me in the head the next time he sees me if I don’t get my shit together.  While it may not sound like it, this was a very well-deserved instance of tough love that I needed.

Laurel has been wonderful through all of this also.  While I’ve had the brunt of the diet experience, she’s had to be the one to make it work.  And she had to put up with a great deal of it also, or at least chose to.  I’m thankful for that.  And similar to the Drew situation, we’ve had some sessions of tough love, she didn’t threaten to punch me in the head, but there was a lot of raised voices as she tried to talk some sense into me.  We are still working on that as I continue to deal with the mental issues of being afraid to eat.

So I’m thankful.  I posted a portion of Nadia Bolz-Weber’s Lord’s Prayer above, if anyone wants a full

version, I’ll send it to you.  She does a beautiful job of this, but I love how she reminds us that our bodies were made in God’s image.  I was given this beautiful body, and no one ever said it would be perfect.  But I also have an obligation to take care of it the best way that I can.  If that means no more milk, cheese, tacos, pizza, bread, cookies, cake, pie, ice cream, peanut butter or God forbid, chocolate, so be it.  I will happily take this body that’s been given to me, I will embrace it, and I will be grateful for what I have, and I will do my best to take care of it.

“If you don’t take care of your body where are you going to live.” Amber Miskovich

Finding My Drishti - I'm A Slow Learner

Editor’s Note: As I often like to say, so much of life is a metaphor.  In yoga, drishti is a focused gaze, concentration, it’s essential for stability in postures.  I like to take it a step further and incorporate it into my life and use a further definition of a perfect presence of peace and oneness.  

As I’ve reflected on my life, it’s hard not to put everything into stages, particularly when it comes to my work life.  And as many of us know, we spend so much time at work, it’s hard to say that my work life isn’t a huge part, or even a dominant part, of my life.  In my case, too dominant…

As I look back, I can essentially break it down into three stages, but if it were only that simple, so much of what we experience and who we are is wrapped up so tightly in our DNA and upbringing.  As I unravel it all, and look back, I would view the first stage as:

Me, Me, Me, It’s All About Me!

I know the price of success: dedication, hard work and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen. ~ Frank Lloyd Wright

The early part of my career was all about hard work and climbing that ladder.  You know, the ladder that will take you to the top, whatever the top is.  As I’ve shared before, I came by so much of this honestly.  My Dad at one point worked 18 straight years without a single day off, no vacation, no sick day.  I remember my brother worked three jobs early in life, he only took off Sundays, and that was the day he’d take care of whatever needed taken care of around the house.  So I had it instilled in me, you work hard, your company pays you to work hard, you give them everything you have.  And ultimately, all that hard work will pay off, they will notice you for all the hard work you put in, and you will get rewarded.

I have to say, this was all true.  I never really felt I was the smartest guy in the room, I didn’t have that smooth personality that many of my colleagues had, but I could work.  As I recently remarked to my boss Felix Brockmeyer, “I can outwork anyone”.  He quickly said, “I’m not sure that’s something to be proud of”.  More to that later.  But that hard work took me higher and higher.  This really came together when I was at Barco, I kept moving up, getting to higher positions, more responsibility, more challenges, more money.  I kept getting rewarded for all the work I was putting in.  I read all the leadership books, management books, I worked outside of work to be the best I could possibly be.

I remember traveling, flying to Europe probably 10-12 times a year, getting off a plane in Paris, taking the fast train to Lille, taking the slow train to Kortrijk, going into the office after an all-night flight, brushing my teeth and going straight to work.  A week away from home, working 12 hour days, eating late at night alone, going to bed, and getting up and doing it all over again.  I was living the dream!

In the meantime, I abandoned my family, I gave up child-raising to Laurel.  I used to say, I bleed Barco red, I gave everything I had to Barco, and I didn’t regret it one bit.  I figured someday I would retire from Barco, I wanted to give the company everything I had.  And then, Barco got a new CFO in Belgium.  And he took an instant disliking to me.  He made my life miserable until I knew he would either figure out a way to fire me or force me to quit, or I would have to make that decision myself.  

So I left.  Looking back, as big of a flaming asshole as he was, this was an incredible favor that he did for me.  I had missed so much of my life, all because of me.  Me, me, me, me, me!  I had found the price of success.  It was a life lived, it was raising my children, it was time spent with the person I love more than anyone, it was all of the important parts of life.  I don’t blame him, I don’t blame Barco, in fact I still love Barco, I blame me, the only person to blame in all of this.  I then moved into the second stage:

You Take Care of Your Family!

“Success Is My Only Mother Fucking Option, Failure’s Not”

This beautiful line from Eminem’s song “Lose Yourself” belies the reality of what success meant to me at the time.  I had finally come to discover what success was for me at the time, and it was my family, and my children.  When I started interviewing to move on from Barco, I carried a folder with me with my resume, various work products, information about the company I was interviewing at, but I put this line on the inside of the folder with a picture of my children.  I wanted to always focus on what was driving me, what was success for me.  Taking care of my family.  Again, as we unravel who we are, this one was always driven into me from an early age, you always take care of your family.  And I was going to do that.

As a side note, for some humor.  When I went to interview at WIKA, I got a text right before going into the interview.  I looked at it, and it said, “We’re praying for you”.  Now, the funny part is that back then, Sean and Patrick would change Laurel’s text messaging, and she didn’t know how to change it back.  They had changed her text message signature to be from Michael Jackson.  So right before I went into my interview with WIKA, I got a text from Michael Jackson saying, “We’re praying for you”.  How could I possibly go wrong?  But I digress as usual…

I had improved, but I still had my moments.  I remember when Kelly was graduating from Kennesaw State, and I had my moments of hesitation, where I wasn’t sure if I could break away from work to go to the graduation ceremony, and then to dinner with Kelly.  Nancy Cox-Lupori, who had a wonderful gift for smacking me in the head with a 2x4 when I needed it, laid into me and said, “Steve McCullough, you need to go to the graduation, you need to be there for your daughter”.  Thankfully, I went, and I had a great time.  I’m also thankful that Nancy didn’t use my full name, Stephen John McCullough, like my Mom always did, but again, I digress…

Eventually of course, my children grew, and they left the house.  I found that I needed something else to be working for.  For about seven years, I taught in the evenings at Georgia Gwinnett College, and it probably represented the best time of my working life.  I felt like I was giving back something of myself to the students, I loved teaching.  Unfortunately, my travel schedule didn’t allow me to continue, so I had to give that up.

That travel schedule was taking me to Latin America quite a bit, I was going to the five subsidiaries that I was responsible for within WIKA Americas.  When I first started traveling to Latin America, I’ll admit, I was a bit scared, this was a brand new world for me.  I quickly found that I got to meet some of the nicest, kindest people in the world.  I’m so thankful I had the opportunity to experience this and meet and work with so many great people.  These experiences, teaching at GGC, spending time in Latin America, helped me move on to the last stage:

Finding My Drishti - Finally

Throughout my career, I worked in positions at subsidiaries, for the most part, until I became CFO at Barco and then WIKA.  I remember I used to hate corporate, OK, I exaggerate, I didn’t hate them, but I wasn’t a big fan.  Then I spent the last 14 years or so of my career being one of those guys.

I started realizing that I only had so many years left, and I wanted to do something that I enjoyed, and that I found more meaningful.  That led me to take the position of General Manager at WIKA Sensor Technology, I wanted to be somewhere where I felt like I could make a difference.

“Do What Is Yours To Do; Don’t Do What Is Not Yours To Do”

When I’m focused, I’m able to let things flow, I stay in my lane, and I let everyone do their jobs.  Quite frankly, we have a really good team here, they know their jobs, they’re very good at what they do.  But old habits die hard.  When things go off the tracks, my inner voices tell me, “work harder, take everything on, do it all”.  

Which goes back to the discussion I had with Felix a few weeks ago.  I had digressed, I had lost my drishti, and I was attempting to do everything because, well, no one can work as hard as me.  And it worked so well before….

Recently I had a call with Jim Zielinski, he works at WIKA Canada, but Jim and I worked together for many years at WIKA in Georgia.  As we talked, Jim started laughing and said, “I’m so glad to see you haven’t lost your passion.  Don’t ever lose that”.  It felt good hearing that from Jim, but I think it’s critical for me to remember, having passion doesn’t mean doing everything myself.  As I’ve found over and over again, I have a great group here that has a lot of passion, and we’ll be just fine if I stay out of their way, and let them do their jobs.  The reality is I’ve always had great teams surrounding me, that’s one of the things I’m good at, surrounding myself with good people, I just didn’t always realize or understand that I didn’t have to do everything.

 “As the ego surrenders, the heart expands.  As the ego stops working so hard to get its own way, life begins to take on an ease and rhythm.”  From “The Yamas and Niyamas”

As I was talking to a friend the other night, she talked about being in her 40’s and just starting to “get” things.  I told her I’m 61, and it wasn’t until a few years ago that I finally started getting it.  It took therapy, yoga, reading so many meaningful books, really experiencing life, and who knows what else, but I really started getting it.  And occasionally, as noted, I fall back, and I lose it again.  But then, I breathe, and I find my drishti.  And I start repeating some of the little sayings that help me regain focus:

“Thank you for bringing me here”

“Mind the Gap”

“Trust in the Magic That Flows Through Your Heart”

And I remember why I’m here.

Finding My Drishti

 “On a very practical level, a focused drishti is essential for stability in postures… If your gaze is steady and focused, your mind will be too, and you can effectively maintain your equanimity… When you feel stuck or frustrated, it’s a sign that you are caught in a clouded vision of observer….the path through enlightened vision is through drishti.”

A few months ago, Laurel suggested I read “Perfectly Imperfect” by Baron Baptiste.  She knew how much I loved reading Rolf Gates’ books, so she thought this one would also be good for me.  Truth be told, I wasn’t thrilled to do this, I’m not a big fan of Baptiste Yoga, but I decided to read it anyway.  And then I read it again.  I loved the book, there were so many incredible sections to it, in some ways about yoga, but in many ways, about life itself.  I still go back and reference it, it has been so meaningful  for me.

One area that is yoga related that really struck me was the chapter “Steady Your Gaze” that talked about your drishti.  Your drishti becomes your focal point, where you steady your gaze to help you balance in a posture or in a transition from one posture to the next.  As I too often do, I tend to become obsessed with something, and I became obsessed with finding my drishti at the beginning of every class, and as I flow through class I “mind the gap” between one posture to the next by steadying my gaze.  I have found that if I’m really focused on being present in yoga, I find my drishti naturally, and easily, and I can keep the distractions to a minimum. 

In the past couple weeks, I haven’t been able to find my drishti.  I said the one day at the beginning of class to Laurel, “I’m trying to find my drishti”.  Her response was, “You keep looking too far out, you need to have your drishti right in front of you, it’s not supposed to be so far away.”  I got frustrated with her, and said, “It’s my drishti, not yours!”

And while this could all be as simple as that, I tend to believe that many aspects of our life have a metaphorical meaning.  My spidey senses were telling me that there was something much deeper going on, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I had lost my drishti, and I needed to figure out how to find it again.

As the year ended at work, I sent an e-mail to our managers and supervisors, reviewing the year, reviewing all that had happened, the difficulties, and ultimately the successes we had had.  I laid out the various goals we have for 2022, and as I noted, they are pretty daunting.  I believe we can achieve them, but I noted, most likely, along the way, we will have setbacks, and we will have to figure out how to overcome them.  Little did I know how quickly that would all happen….

When everything went to shit in the first week of the year, I thought to myself, well, that happened sooner than I imagined, but I thought, we can overcome this.  Over the past few years, I’ve grown in my ability to not allow work issues like this beat me down, and I figured I had these ones handled too, even though they were pretty significant.

Last week I went to Boulder to visit our facility there.  Each day, I had early morning meetings with our parent company in Germany, so I was getting up somewhere between 3 and 4 am every day.  On Thursday, I had back to back to back to back meetings starting at 6 am, so I set out a plan to accomplish everything I needed to that day.

As I’ve started to do over the last few years, I wanted to start the day with my physical and mental health.  I’ve developed a good morning routine to take care of me each day.  I wake up, and I read and I plank.  When I’m home, I walk with Laurel, and when I’m on the road, I usually run on the treadmill.  I’ve come to finally realize that I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone, or anything, else.

On Thursday, I set the plan to get up at 4:30, go to the treadmill, go down and get coffee, come back and call Laurel, read, do my planking and then shower before the 6 am call.  In between the first and second call, I would go to the office and take the rest of the calls.

The first thing that went wrong was when I went down to get my coffee, I forgot my room key in the room, so I had to get a new one made.  The next thing that went wrong was I forgot my power cord for my computer in my hotel room, and had to borrow one before I lost power.  And the final, and most embarrassing, was that I realized about two hours into my day that I had never zippered my pants in the morning.

If those three things didn’t tell me that I had a problem, my readings that morning were pretty prophetic.  I’ve recently started reading “The Yamas and Niyamas” and the section that day was about Creating Balance.  As the one section notes:

“Like the body, the mind and soul need time to digest and assimilate.  Like the body, the mind and soul need time to rest.  We create this rest by allowing space that we can breathe in.  Not more clutter, but more space, space to reflect, space to journal, space for closure, space for imagination, and space to feel the calling of the life force within us.”

And then from Rolf Gates:

“How do you know you are confronting a classic ‘hindrance’ on your spiritual path?  Just ask yourself: am I losing my sense of balance, my sense of priorities, and my sense of what’s really important?”

What probably struck me the most though, was a little comment Laurel made in the margin in “The Yamas and Niyamas”.  It said “just space”.  I had confused doing stuff for myself with creating time and space for myself.  While I was still doing my morning routine to take care of myself, really, it was just creating more stress for me, because I wasn’t really doing it, I was going through the motions.  I was reading, running or walking, and planking so I could check the box to say I took care of myself that day.

I’ve found, in my life at least, human nature tends to kick in and leads us back to what we are comfortable with in times of stress.  As I noted, I had grown in my ability to balance my well-being, my family with work demands.  I’m still not anywhere near perfect, but I’ve grown and gotten better.  But once the stress levels hit too high a point, I reverted back to my true nature.

I never realized how much the shitstorm of the beginning of the year impacted me.   My mode of operation always in the past had been when the stress levels get high, I use brute force to deal with everything.  I take on everything, and I work my ass off to make it happen.  I had reverted back again.  I was back in beast mode, take on everything, do everything, check the boxes, get it done, work until you drop.

And it worked so well in the past….

Yes, I had lost my drishti, and I’ve lost my balance.  I couldn’t find my focus.  And maybe, yet again, Laurel was right, I had set my drishti much too far in the distance.  I wasn’t patiently dealing with life one day, one moment at a time, I was miles down the road and missing all of the important details along the way.  Like fully dressing in the morning…

“I excite myself with my incompetencies” Yogiraj Achala

The good news is this is simply a part of the journey.  I spent the vast majority of my adult life believing that working myself into exhaustion was the way to “success”, whatever the measure of success really is.  It’s only been a few years now since I’ve figured out I really missed a lot along the way, and there are much better ways to be successful and the definition for success can be pretty broad.  Luckily, it didn’t take me too long these last few weeks to figure out I was out of balance, and I needed to reset. 

Am I being too hard on myself?  Well of course, that’s what I’m best at.  But I do accept that I’m simply disappointingly human.  I can recover, adapt, adjust, and I will find my drishti and balance again. 

Editor’s Note: The next blog post will continue on this journey, and yes, it will be fun.